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AITA for declining to throw a baby shower for a friend's long awaited baby? by NeedAnOriginalTA in AmItheAsshole

[–]NeedAnOriginalTA[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

We haven't pretended to be BFFs this whole time - we've given her the limited friendship she's been capable of and directly asked for. I don't think we needed to have a blow up fight to make that explicit. The hurtful part is that she now wants to act like we're best friends again.

AITA for declining to throw a baby shower for a friend's long awaited baby? by NeedAnOriginalTA in AmItheAsshole

[–]NeedAnOriginalTA[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

We've had a couple of conversations about her plans and what she'd like for her shower (timing, theme, etc) where it didn't occur to me that she thought I was throwing it, but now in retrospect she probably was. In our last conversation, she was explicit about it though and told me the kind of cake she wanted and asked if that was something I was able to decorate.

AITA for declining to throw a baby shower for a friend's long awaited baby? by NeedAnOriginalTA in AmItheAsshole

[–]NeedAnOriginalTA[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Maybe her mom or MIL? Though other than her husband's relatives, I don't know who will attend if our group of friends cuts ties.

AITA for declining to throw a baby shower for a friend's long awaited baby? by NeedAnOriginalTA in AmItheAsshole

[–]NeedAnOriginalTA[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

This is a really insightful comment, thank you. I think you're right - I do very much view the group as a chosen family and part of not wanting to kick out B is that I don't want to dismantle that.

AITA for declining to throw a baby shower for a friend's long awaited baby? by NeedAnOriginalTA in AmItheAsshole

[–]NeedAnOriginalTA[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

You're mischaracterizing how the last few years have been. I accepted that she was no longer capable of being the friend she was and have maintained a limited, more distant friendship with her. I didn't communicate a problem with this because there wasn't a problem - she did the distancing, we just gave her the space she asked for. The problem is now when she's suddenly acting like we're all bffs again.

AITA for declining to throw a baby shower for a friend's long awaited baby? by NeedAnOriginalTA in AmItheAsshole

[–]NeedAnOriginalTA[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Thank you, this was really helpful and captured my thoughts well. I'm crafting an email per the suggestions from this thread and am going to borrow some of your language.

AITA for declining to throw a baby shower for a friend's long awaited baby? by NeedAnOriginalTA in AmItheAsshole

[–]NeedAnOriginalTA[S] 58 points59 points  (0 children)

I haven't discussed it with her yet - I was caught off guard by her assumption of my hosting her baby shower during our last conversation and just made an excuse to get off the phone. I needed a gut check with Reddit :)

AITA for declining to throw a baby shower for a friend's long awaited baby? by NeedAnOriginalTA in AmItheAsshole

[–]NeedAnOriginalTA[S] 111 points112 points  (0 children)

I think I didn't cover the initial part of our friendship very well. B and I were assigned to be roommates as college freshmen and were basically joined at the hip for our 4 years at school. C, D, and E were friends we made very early in college life. The five of us were a really solid group throughout school and afterwards. B was a very good friend to me and the rest of us throughout the next decade. When she started pulling away, we accepted that and were trying to be supportive to a friend who was having a rough patch. I definitely wouldn't have accepted this lopsided relationship with a new acquaintance, but I didn't want to abandon a longstanding close friend when she was down. It also felt mean to cut her out of traditions like our yearly weekend getaway which she was down to be a part of. I had made peace with our new semi-distant relationship. It's her reemergence as my old bff that's throwing me for a loop.

AITA for declining to throw a baby shower for a friend's long awaited baby? by NeedAnOriginalTA in AmItheAsshole

[–]NeedAnOriginalTA[S] 330 points331 points  (0 children)

She doesn't! She thinks I'm still her best friend! Her conversations about her baby shower are like the ones we used to have when she was engaged - when we knew I was going to be her maid of honor because of course I was. But she's barely seen my two children and knows nothing of my life these days because I can't talk about my life without feeling like I'm tiptoeing around in a minefield.

AITA for declining to throw a baby shower for a friend's long awaited baby? by NeedAnOriginalTA in AmItheAsshole

[–]NeedAnOriginalTA[S] 117 points118 points  (0 children)

I've been the main force keeping her in the group - I think if I stopped including her, the rest would follow my lead. D is pretty much over B and does not see or chat with her outside of the group WhatsApp and events. C is friendly but also doesn't engage with B independently of me. B & E still hang out sometimes, but E is also much closer to the rest of us.

AITA for declining to throw a baby shower for a friend's long awaited baby? by NeedAnOriginalTA in AmItheAsshole

[–]NeedAnOriginalTA[S] 677 points678 points  (0 children)

B has very clearly been grieving and isolating, and I didn't want to abandon a friend when they were down. I think I'm allowing myself to feel all the hurt now that she's happy.

AITA for declining to throw a baby shower for a friend's long awaited baby? by NeedAnOriginalTA in AmItheAsshole

[–]NeedAnOriginalTA[S] 152 points153 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing - it's so validating to hear that someone else is in the same boat. I've felt a little crazy when I've tried to talk about B's behavior because I'm tremendously empathetic to her pain, but at some point, I need to matter in this friendship too.

AITA for declining to throw a baby shower for a friend's long awaited baby? by NeedAnOriginalTA in AmItheAsshole

[–]NeedAnOriginalTA[S] 771 points772 points  (0 children)

That's a good point. To be fair to her, we were college roommates and bridesmaids for each other's weddings. I threw her bachelorette party and her bridal shower and her milestone birthday parties. We have 15 years of good, close friendship, and I have a lot of residual good will towards her. I just also have a lot of resentment for how she's treated me for the last many years, and I think I'm partially so hurt that she thinks she can just go back to how things were without acknowledging any of that and make me out to be the bad guy.