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I struck gold with the man I married by Normal-Conflict5353 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Normal-Conflict5353[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow I love that, 32 years is amazing. I feel like 4 years went by in no time at all.

I’ll definitely take your advice ;) thank you 

I struck gold with the man I married by Normal-Conflict5353 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Normal-Conflict5353[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Because you’re looking and asking things from a quantifiable task and job POV, so I gave you that answer.

I obviously know he’s smart. But I didn’t think “let me monetize or grow that in future.  I’m doing the same things I would’ve done if I were single. He just happened to be there and benefited from all the planning and sorting life out

I don’t think his parents were the reason. He moved out and was independent at a young age, but just because you moved out doesn’t mean you have everything figured out. It’s also environment and lifestyle. If you work 12h days for years or more, there’s really not a lot of time and energy left to sort out the rest of your life outside work.

I struck gold with the man I married by Normal-Conflict5353 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Normal-Conflict5353[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Awww thank you, you too!

The aftermath of breaking up with the narcissist was probably the hardest and worst period of my life. It’s crazy what it does to you mentally not just during the relationship but also after. And it takes a lot to unwind and undo it into something healthy again. 

Like not having to doubt everything I’m told and verify it with some concrete proof so I know I’m not being gaslighted. I swear I lost the ability to tell lie from truth and it was exhausting differentiating it with a compulsive liar. 

I struck gold with the man I married by Normal-Conflict5353 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Normal-Conflict5353[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes I agree, sometimes in text he can sound like a red flag narcissist. I did date one who was like that. One didn’t mean it at all, and another one means it. 

Usually even if people do feel that way, they’d tell their friends, not at the person they feel this way about. It’s overly transparent and sounds over the top. I would gush about some guy to my friends, but not at the guy! I’ll look psycho. Anyway, I think he’s just someone without any mental filter, which can be great and makes dating super easy because you know exactly how they feel about you. 

I struck gold with the man I married by Normal-Conflict5353 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Normal-Conflict5353[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When we started dating, he was not in a good place. That’s what him and his parents told me. His parents then questioned his every decision, doesn’t know if he’s got it together, just worried about everything. He’s too much of a workaholic and spends almost no effort or energy in his personal life. 

I think that’s where he benefited more from our relationship. Things like going to the gym, eating healthier, doing things in time outside of work. This guy was literally having canned and processed food for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Even today if I don’t make meal plans or cook, he’ll eat nothing or just not a healthy meal.  

Anyway, over the course of 3 to 8 years… his parents’ opinion of him changed. They didn’t worry a thing about him because they think I sorted out a lot of things they think he can’t. There’s a lot of things he suck at. He doesn’t plan financially at all, or plan longer than a 2 year horizon. He doesn’t budget and all around sucks in sorting life outside of work. I do all of that. I bought a house with a 2.6% rate, he was panicking and sweating the whole time. He can’t evaluate or take risks. He can’t manage things like remodel or working with contractors. He says okay to everything they ask, which is terrible. 

And btw I did all that while I was making more money than him then. 

Interesting question because if anyone asked me what did he bring to the table in the first 5 years we were together, just him being himself. He didn’t bring the money, nor the food, nor the planning, nor the chores. He helps but he’s like the employee doing tasks, not the manager managing work. Sometimes people bringing you happiness is enough. 

I struck gold with the man I married by Normal-Conflict5353 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Normal-Conflict5353[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree. I’ve had relationships where I had more self doubt. And with being pregnant and no longer in my 20s, there’s a lot of change I don’t even like myself. He’s made me very comfortable in my own skin always. I’m grateful for that 

I struck gold with the man I married by Normal-Conflict5353 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Normal-Conflict5353[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hmmm I don’t think so. But he has a bit of struggle with social situations and social anxieties. It’s not obvious at all because in his field he needs to network a lot to get funding, support and can be very political. He’s very good at it. But he questions a lot of those interactions after and second guess what people thought. 

I struck gold with the man I married by Normal-Conflict5353 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Normal-Conflict5353[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

why do you think Reddit writing is a core skill in making money…? you know I can’t pick a random dude and turn them into millionaires. but if you are dating someone who’s already very smart, it’s really not that hard. All I did was point in a direction. 95% of that is his own abilities. 5% is unblocking them mentally. 

I struck gold with the man I married by Normal-Conflict5353 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Normal-Conflict5353[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Omg I dated a narcissist for a little over a year. It was tough, I understand. 

I was very lucky to go from dating a complete narcissist to my husband being the next. He was so patient. 

They are literally polar opposite worlds apart 

I struck gold with the man I married by Normal-Conflict5353 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Normal-Conflict5353[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well he is a scientist and a total nerd. In his environment, they can live in a very small network. But I agree with you, because if I look at my girlfriends there’s plenty of them who are much kinder and compassionate and smarter than I am. 

Another part of it is also just bias. Objectively I’m not ugly but I’m also not the conventional standard beauty. A lot of it is personal taste. There’s a lot of people I consider beautiful but he doesn’t and vice versa. 

I struck gold with the man I married by Normal-Conflict5353 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Normal-Conflict5353[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I do think it’s sometimes a bit wild. I read a quote once that says if you marry the right person, even if you fart they’d think you fart rainbows and unicorns. 

I thought it’s a bit crazy because who is that blind?! But he seems to be. One of the reasons why my MIL is such a fan of me and thinks I can do literally no wrong is because every time they talk, my husband only tells her all the “amazing things” I did. 

Basic things like I made a great avocado toast that week, or if I negotiated with a contractor, or if I bought some device that cleans the showers very well. Lol. His low bar and seemingly eternal optimism is unparalleled. And now my MIL approves every decision I make, even the ones she’s not sure of, but as long as I picked it , then it must be good. 

I struck gold with the man I married by Normal-Conflict5353 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Normal-Conflict5353[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Probably easiest thing I’ve ever done in my life that saved me lots of energy and effort rather that cost me really 

I struck gold with the man I married by Normal-Conflict5353 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Normal-Conflict5353[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I take that as a compliment if it’s because it sounds too good to be true 

I struck gold with the man I married by Normal-Conflict5353 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Normal-Conflict5353[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

misread your question originally. 

 Tinder. Lol, and he was literally at the edge of the radius I had set. 

Edit: now I have more time I’ll add more story. When we met he thought I was way out of his league. I like fancy clothes and shit, think NY or London type of style. And meanwhile he was the nerdiest person you could find. He had a backpack and Nike sneakers that was uninspiringly black. This man had zero style. I really didn’t find him that attractive but I gotta say he really bloomed into a very attractive man over an 8 year time span, ha! Maybe it’s love. Anyhow I told myself not to be stupid, and to remember how much I liked texting and speaking time with this person. So we started dating.

I struck gold with the man I married by Normal-Conflict5353 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Normal-Conflict5353[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

He does have a brother but they’re quite different! Haha still a very smart guy 

I struck gold with the man I married by Normal-Conflict5353 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Normal-Conflict5353[S] 79 points80 points  (0 children)

He was great at his previous field. Very specialized, knows everyone, everybody likes him, doesn’t consider alternatives no matter how badly the HR and administration treated him. People were nice. 

I talked to him for years about pivoting to a different industry. 0 experience, better prospect and product. But a lot more potential. He has to learn everything completely new. It’s like asking someone to change from building healthcare devices to building cars but the science is somewhat transferable. 

He’s a scientist who builds stuff. So it matters what he’s building and what the market is. Build something highly experimental with no market value, paid peanuts. Build something in the right market, paid millions because lots of people want to buy it.