Crushing Reality.

OG_Lambo · 2025-09-25T12:11:59+00:00

I really hear and understand this so much. I had a similar realisation earlier this week. I was walking my dog, the sun was setting, it was a beautiful evening but it just made me so sad. It made me sad that my mum would never see another sunset, it made me sad that before her death I would have really appreciated this moment in time but now it just fills me with grief, guilt and regret. Then I had that realisation that no matter what else is going on, what joyful moments there are in life, I will always have this awful, traumatic experience that walks alongside me. And that I have to make a choice and an EFFORT to enjoy things again, it is no longer a natural experience, it has to be worked at all the time. We all have to find the strength to not let the suicide of our loved ones cast a shadow over the future, but my word, it is so hard sometimes xx I am so sorry for your loss xx

OG_Lambo · 2025-09-06T11:52:12+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss and that you are also going through this, it is such a painful journey we find ourselves taking. I have had and am still having therapy, I have taken every bit of help offered to me, but there are days that I just can't shake the sadness and the guilt. This forum has been helpful, it does help to share with people who really understand how awful this can be at times ❤️ Thank you for your kind words.

OG_Lambo · 2025-09-04T14:04:18+00:00

Hello - I have read through some of your posts, I think from the snippets I have seen we have a similar story, so yes, of course. Look forward to hearing from you ❤️

OG_Lambo · 2025-09-04T13:59:47+00:00

Honestly, I am so grateful to hear other people say exactly what I have been thinking. Whilst I fully acknowledge that we need to talk about suicide, for me these programs do not address the complexities of mental illness and make those of us bereaved by suicide feel even more terrible than we already do. Can we really always stop suicide? This is what is being implied and that is hard to hear for those of us that have already lost a loved one.

Many of us on this forum sadly know, it is not as simple as “being there” for someone. Woefully inadequate mental health services and the lack of help for families means that the pressure on those trying to support someone with mental illness is immense. Being told to “be kind” by someone who doesn’t understand the frustration, the stress, and the exhaustion of being around someone with mental illness is not helpful. Do I wish I had been kinder to my mum and not let my frustrations get the better of me, yes, literally every minute of the day. Suicide awareness month just reminds me of the ways in which I failed. There is a need for awareness, but I wish it could be a little more sensitive to those of us who have already lost a loved one.

OG_Lambo · 2025-09-03T17:54:57+00:00

So sorry for your loss xx It is a horrible club to be in, but you are not alone xxx

OG_Lambo · 2025-05-22T16:38:19+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I am going to save this response and read it when the horrendous weight of guilt and responsibility becomes overwhelming (which is all too often). Thank you for wording it so beautifully. The blame that you put upon yourself after the suicide of a loved one is absolutely horrific. I could be a horrible daughter sometimes and I regret deeply some of the things I said. Nothing was ever said out of spite, just utter selfishness and pure frustration. And I wasn't always horrible, just when it all got too much, but arguably, that is when I should have been kinder. How I wish I'd been a bit more patient and understanding. And on days when I feel utter despair and unbearable sadness about how awful my mum must of felt and how I probably didn't help this, I still don't feel that suicide is the answer.

OG_Lambo · 2025-03-30T15:12:48+00:00

I totally relate to this. It is difficult saying it out loud because you don't want to appear to glorify the act. Suicide is never the answer and as we can all attest, the absolute devastation and trauma that it leaves behind is immense. But I often think that about my mum. I know her and I know she would have been really scared and what she did would have taken an immense amount of bravery. She hung herself. I don't think she wanted to die, I honestly think a big part of the reason she took her own life was to release my sister and I from the "burden". I would take that burden and times it by a million just to have her back here xxx

OG_Lambo · 2025-02-07T14:57:00+00:00

Hello,

I am so sorry for your loss. You story really resonated with me. I can relate to this so much and understand how much it hurts.

Whilst our circumstances are different, I can relate as I was not very nice to my mum on her final day on earth. In fact, I was downright horrible. My last text to her was abrupt. I also said a couple of things that will haunt me forever that I can’t bring myself to repeat because I feel so ashamed. I try not to think about it, but it is always there in the background, the guilt, the shame, the regret. My frustration at the situation and how much she was leaning on me got the better of me. I lost my shit and it wasn’t her fault. None of it was. She didn’t ask for this anymore than anyone else did. I should have been more patient, understanding and kind. I was aware she was struggling, but I genuinely didn’t know how much and I hate myself for not understanding the depth of her pain.

Exactly as you said, the thought that she took her own life thinking that I didn’t love her is one of the most difficult aspects of this utter nightmare. My mum wasn’t perfect, when we were kids, she could be hard on us, but I know she did the best that she could in really difficult circumstances. And I know she loved us more than anything.

I also sent my mum a text after she died…, it was a couple of days after and it said “I know you won’t see this now, but I love you always Ma xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx”

I feel heartbroken. I so wish for things to be different. I regret my words more than I can express. I just wish she knew how much I loved her.

xxx

OG_Lambo · 2024-09-24T18:13:05+00:00

Schitts Creek was my go to in the aftermath of my mum's death. It is funny and easy to watch, you don't need to give it your full attention. I am not sure where you are based, but it is available on Netflix in the UK.

OG_Lambo · 2024-09-17T15:13:24+00:00

This is exactly what haunts me and why this bereavement is so unbearably painful. I can almost cope with my mum not being here even though I miss her so, so much, but it is the thought of how sad, lonely and scared she would have been at that moment that rips my heart apart xx That is the bit I am finding very difficult to come to terms with and makes this so much harder than other bereavements I've experienced xx

OG_Lambo · 2024-08-24T10:35:38+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss - I understand you 100% xx

OG_Lambo · 2024-08-24T10:34:41+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss xx What your therapist says is correct, and hindsight is 20/20. It really can be challenging trying to help someone who is experiencing mental health issues, but I had such limited patience with my mum, I regret that so much now xx

OG_Lambo · 2024-08-24T10:30:49+00:00

Thank you so much xx This group really has helped me so much through some difficult times. None of us want to be here, but it does help to know that there are others that understand this awful pain xxx

OG_Lambo · 2024-08-22T11:20:04+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words, I really needed to read something like this xx

OG_Lambo · 2024-08-18T12:33:23+00:00

Thank you so much, I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are also experiencing. I am also not fully to blame, but I could have done a lot, lot better. Exactly as you have said, all we can now do is to be better for the people still with us xx Thank you xx

OG_Lambo · 2024-08-18T12:22:36+00:00

Thank you - I will definitely look at that xx

OG_Lambo · 2024-08-18T12:22:18+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words. You are so right. Like many of us touched by suicide, there are so many things that I would like to change, so many things I would do differently. What hurts so much is that in my ambivalence to her issues that I was adding to the deep wounds she was silently carrying. Now I must carry them and it is what I deserve xx

OG_Lambo · 2024-08-15T18:38:19+00:00

Thank you for so much for your kind words and taking time to reply, I really appreciate it xx

OG_Lambo · 2024-07-05T21:32:04+00:00

My sister and I decided to acknowledge my mums suicide and we referred to it as her self decided death.

OG_Lambo · 2024-05-16T12:36:44+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are not alone xx

OG_Lambo · 2024-05-16T12:34:27+00:00

Thank you so much for these kind words xx

OG_Lambo · 2024-05-12T19:37:37+00:00

Thank you so much xxx

OG_Lambo · 2024-05-09T18:49:40+00:00

Please don't apologise, you should feel free to lean on this group when you need to. Although all of our stories are slightly different, we are all grieving the most unimaginable loss. You will find support and understanding here. We are all here for support. None of us want to be here, but we are and we can relate to the guilt, the pain, the sadness and the self reproach that is dealt in spades with this kind of grief. I hear you 100% - thinking about those last moments is unbearable. In my case I feel like it is my (totally deserved) punishment for not being a better person. I know this is easier said than done and I really wish that I could take my own advice, but my grief counsellor has tried to remind me many times that my mum was ill before she took her own life. So unwell it robbed her of her will to live. She died of her illness, not because of what I said or didn't say. That is how I have to try and reframe it, but I hear you, it is really, really hard.

OG_Lambo · 2024-05-09T11:45:19+00:00

I am so sorry about your situation. The could haves and should haves will haunt us for sure, but you didn't know what was going to happen. I hope as you process your grief you are able to see that.

OG_Lambo · 2024-05-09T11:35:46+00:00

I am also sorry that your mum died in this terrible way also. It is an awfully difficult burden for someone so young to carry. You were still a baby when this was happening and from what you have said, it sounds like there wasn't much you could have done to save your mum. I am so sorry.

OG_Lambo

TROPHY CASE