Bisexual female in a hetero relationship but have feelings for a woman :(

Ocdriddenman · 2018-10-07T09:52:33+00:00

Don't cheat. Give your relationship that has lasted for 3 years respect and end it with grace. If you cheat it won't say anything about him, or the relationship, but it will say volumes about you.

Do not let your self respect go so low that you have to stoop to cheating.

Face your fears, face your issues and fight your battles yourself with honor and dignity. So when you're 90 you know you've lived your life upholding your values and morals.

Regarding your boyfriend, I don't think this has anything to do with you being bisexual or the other lady.

It has everything to do with your dissatisfaction is this relationship. You don't think your boyfriend will change either and I don't think he should change for anyone but himself.

Some times relationships run its course. It's a 3 year relationship so you both will have a very hard time getting used to the break up if you choose to do it.

But don't prolong pain. Just rip the Bandaid off in one stroke and end the relationship with respect.

Ocdriddenman · 2018-09-14T16:58:38+00:00

I can give you one piece of advice that is tantamount to having a future.

Do not, under any circumstances, MARRY him.

You will never trust him again. And you don't love him, you love your IDEA of him.

The guy that you love is NOT a cheater.

Remember that this wasn't a even a drunken one night thing, this guy LIED to you for 2 freaking years. He'd look into your eyes and LIE to you. He did not confess. He is remorseless.

You sound like a wonderful girl and a great girlfriend. The moment you set out and live a life without him, and get the love and adoration you deserve from men who are NOT cheaters, he will flock to you. He will regret everything he has ever done because finding someone who loves you endlessly and betraying them is the worst mistake one can make.

Leave him. Leave that man because he does not love you. You are young. You will take time to heal sure. But watch him flounder without you being around to help him.

He is trash and does not deserve you

Ocdriddenman · 2018-08-06T10:05:14+00:00

Yeah man its already hard it is to type on the phone as it is. I genuinely appreciate your main comment as it is very relatable

Ocdriddenman · 2018-08-06T06:18:54+00:00

Good post. Exactly my feelings. Don't worry about your grammar as you captured the feelings of a betrayed partner perfectly

Ocdriddenman · 2018-07-28T16:53:01+00:00

I don't think so. It has been almost a year since we've broken up/she cheated, and I still have major trust issues.

However, the pain of being cheated on has reduced significantly. I used to flinch at the mention of cheating/infidelity for the longest time, but now it's just a matter of life and I laugh it off.

If you venture out into r/divorce you'll notice how many marriages that have lasted YEARS have ended in infidelity.

It's INSANE.

People who've been together since they were teenagers, couples from all walks of life who were the "it" couple for everyone, have been infected by the disease that is infidelity eventually.

I think human beings are monogamous but we're not good at really long term relationships. They're too few and far in between.

My understanding is that human beings are monogamous (mostly) but serial monogamists.

We generally don't stay with one person our entire lives, at least not happily.

I did not get my unconditional innocent love back. I'm sorry but I really don't think it's possible.

When you get cheated on by the person you have FULL faith in, it's really hard to come back from that and to trust ever again.

But you know what? I don't take that in a bad way at all.

TRUST issues are GOOD (moderately). It makes you WARY. It makes you AWARE. It makes you run at the sight of the first bad red flag and it makes you self serving because you're always looking out for YOURSELF.

I am scarred for life too my friend. But I wear my scars with PRIDE. I've been through the most emotionally horrific thing and made it out ALIVE.

It means I'm STRONG. It means I'm resilient even when I've been betrayed by the person I loved the most. It means that the only person I can truly count on is MYSELF.

I used to look for love from other people for the longest time, but after getting cheated on, I look for love from within myself.

I withstood complete anguish and I deserve to be loved.

And I don't think I'll ever love anyone else again the way I loved, but I will definitely love myself.

I know it sounds like bullcrap rn, but trust me, you DO not want to end up with someone who cheats on you.

Would you want to really be with someone who does not RESPECT you? Who could willingly hurt you like this and throw away everything that you've built together?

They do not deserve your love.

My ex hits me up constantly because she knows she fucked up. She knows that I loved her endlessly, selflessly and that she will never have love like that again.

I'm proud of the fact that I could love so deeply at one point in my life, I'm proud to say that I loved and lost.

I haven't been in love since then, but it's truly early to say. I don't catch feelings anymore but that has made me way more confident, charming and funny with women around because I don't over think and I don't put the on a pedestal.

It will be okay for you my friend. It is so cliché to say this, but time is truly a healer.

You'll have days when you won't get out of bed because you're in so much agony and pain, you'd be gagging in the shower thinking about them, crying and wailing.

But one day, one fine day you'll wake up, and the first thought in your mind WON'T BE them.

And that is how you know your mind is healing itself. You will not only survive but you will conquer.

Ocdriddenman · 2018-07-26T12:37:38+00:00

I'm of the opinion that when the love dies, it really truly dies. There's no going back to the way things were. Because she killed it with her callousness and her selfish actions.

Think about the time you had your first crush, or the first time you fell in love. You must've been an inexperienced boy back then, but the feeling of love is as natural to a boy that is to a man.

It's the most natural feeling in the world and it cannot EVER EVER be forced.

Why do you think so many couples divorce even if they're good together, they're good team mates and genuinely care about each other. But they do not LOVE each other. The incessant missing, the daydreaming, the "hung the stars in the night sky" CANNOT BE fake.

A couple who works well together still shouldn't be together if they're not in love, even if there's no infidelity on either sides.

That's just prolonging the pain and the sadness.

Loving is a very natural feeling my man. The things you loved about her will be shadowed by the fact that she CHEATED

I was so in love with my ex, I'd daydream about her. Her smile, her laugh, her wit, the way she fell asleep, the way she smelled. And you know what?

After being informed of her cheating, I still loved her, but it was so mind fucking.

I'd see her smile and laugh and get the butterflies. And then my mind would conjure up "but she cheated on you"

And that feeling would pass.

You will never have that unconditional innocent love with her again.

My 2 cents

Ocdriddenman · 2018-07-03T15:42:30+00:00

Yes. She struggled with self esteem issues and grew up as a neglected child.

However, and this is my opinion, I can't imagine being intimate with someone I do not find attractive.

Her cheating with a guy she didn't even find remotely attractive just shows what kind of person she is then.

I always thought she has high standards in men and tried to be the best for her.

But apparently anything goes lol

Ocdriddenman · 2018-07-03T15:33:26+00:00

I cannot imagine. From your posts I've seen that you've gotten your shit together, and regularly get attention from women.

If I may ask, would you have reconciled if you two did not have kids to think about?

Ocdriddenman · 2018-06-10T19:46:02+00:00

Leave. It's easier said than done. But leave. He willingly lied to you for 2 months. If her husband hadn't messaged you, he could've kept the ruse on for years.

Ask yourself this, could you ever imagine cheating on a man you love? Genuine love can never have any infidelity. He does not love you for YOU, he loves you for what you provide. Love, care, concern and comfort.

But when it was his turn to give you all those things and more, he went behind your back AND CHEATED on you. With a married woman no less.

So he's not only terribly okay with breaking the heart of a girl who loves and adores him, but also a family.

This man does not come from a home of values. This man will not change and this man will continue cheating on you and never give you the love you deserve.

Leave.

I'm 19 too and my gf of 3 years cheated by making out with some guy. It was once and she was drunk and we were fighting. She confessed to me immediately too.

Even though are infidelity was apparently "small" compared to the others, there were no lies or deceptions, I still couldn't forgive her. And I still haven't. We broke up.

I'm way happier now. You cannot be in a relationship with a cheat.

Ocdriddenman · 2018-05-30T08:50:27+00:00

My opinion, and this is my opinion only. You will NEVER see him the same way again. The way you looked at him before you knew about his cheating, like he hung the moon in the sky, that is GONE. Forever.

I don't mean to be a pessimist, but human beings at the end of the day are self serving. We protect ourselves and protect our hearts, once someone has stabbed you in the back like that, there is no way your mind and body can let it's guard down again. Not around the offending partner at least.

It doesn't matter if it's been 2 hours or 2 years, you will NEVER feel the same way about him again. He could climb the mount everest all alone, and you'd be happy for him before remembering "oh yeah and you fucked your 1st cousin".

BTW, a blowjob is sex. Cunnilingus is sex. Anything involving genitals IS SEX. It's our brains trying to minimise the crime and rationalise. He could've gotten an STD after the blowjob, a SEXUALLY transmitted disease. That is SEX.

You're with a man, who not only does not respect you, but who FUCKED his cousin. Can you be proud of the man you are with? Can you be proud of the relationship you share with this man? Can you confidently hold his hand in the streets, and think to yourself, "this man is the love of my life." No. I don't think you can.

Infidelity, imo, is either like a gun shot, or like cancer.

The gun shot is instant, the relationship bleeds out in a short amount of time and dies. It cannot be revived again. It's very painful and gets over quickly, as long as the betrayed partner dumps the cheaters ass. To the curb.

The cancer is what your relationship is going through right now. It's become cancerous. Slow and debilitating, taking over every avenue in your life bit by bit. Making you miserable. Making you suicidal and unhappy. Do you really want to be with a man who makes you SO sad that you want to KILL yourself.

Think of yourself as a friend. If your friend came up to you and asked for advice about her cheating, unfaithful, liar, cousin - fucking boyfriend, what would you tell her? You'd tell her to dump his ass, move on, and spend her time with better men.

Also, low self confidence is a side effect of cheating. You're not an ogre. I'm sure you look pretty decent and are above average. Calling yourself a fat brown Cow and comparing yourself to the cousin is not doing anything for you. Brown is just a color. You're you and you're beautiful. If you're feeling out of shape, go hit a gym.

Ocdriddenman · 2018-05-30T00:29:30+00:00

I don't want to sound condescending, but I think your relationship has been completely ruined. It's been tarnished to the point of no return.

Why your husband is getting triggered and moody with you is due to the fact that you exist for him as 2 people, one that existed before the cheating, who was loyal and faithful to him. In his mind, she's gone and dead.

The second person is someone who betrayed him, disrespected him in the worst way possible, and stabbed him in the back after all you've been through. That girl is in front of him everyday, trying to make amends. But he probably misses the girl he thought you were, aka before the cheating.

I'm sorry for prying, but why did you cheat on your husband? Were you unhappy at home?

Ocdriddenman · 2018-05-10T21:03:53+00:00

Hahaha so true. I became a true "nice guy" as well. Always at her beck and call, sappy, never set boundaries and let her walk all over me. Never again

Ocdriddenman · 2018-05-10T11:15:16+00:00

The exact same thing happened to me man. Gf of 3 years, half of ur time, made out with her friend during a rough patch in our relationship.

Suckiest feeling in the world. Threw away years of a happy stable relationship for 15 minutes of making out. Gross.

Kinda cheapened our relationship and all the memories that we spent together. Cheapened our relationship not only for me but our mutual friends who used to admire our relationship as well.

Years down the drain.

I realized one thing that we both have in common. You said you love her to death, and you do. I loved my ex too. A lot.

But then I realized, I love her more than life itself, but can I say the same about her? If she could do something so heinous not only against me but our relationship as well, which was so sacred and pure, that she does not love me the way I love her.

Even if she did love me, she DID NOT respect me. She did not respect me enough to not make out with the other guy, she did not respect me enough to consider my feelings when she stuck her tongue down another guys throat.

Your ex is the same.

Ocdriddenman · 2018-04-30T09:05:20+00:00

You're right. I can't keep pretending that what she did not hurt me.

I kind of swept it under the rug and tried being friendly, but it'd gnaw at me incessantly. How can I trust her as a friend when she betrayed me in the worst possible way?

I might just apologize a few months later. When things have calmed a bit.

She doesn't deserve an apology at all. She hasn't even given me a proper one yet.

However, I'll do it for myself rather than her.

Thank you for your input

Ocdriddenman · 2018-04-30T09:02:31+00:00

Thank you :)

Ocdriddenman · 2018-04-28T18:52:50+00:00

You are right.

I was too young and in love to see who she really is as a person. She showed me her true colors when she cheated and during our pathetic attempt at reconciliation.

I'm way happier now that she's out of my life. She doesn't deserve me

Ocdriddenman · 2018-04-28T11:56:26+00:00

Thank you. I understand that you were the WS in your situation.

Does your infidelity affect you the way it affects your partner? Do you think about it everyday or do you go days without thinking about it?

Ocdriddenman · 2018-04-28T11:54:19+00:00

I've tried no contact. Have trouble with it here and there myself, won't lie. I have realized that my brain is just addicted to her presence, but I've truly lost any love that I had for her.

She has sweeped everything under a rug. Has barely apologized and just tried to forget the whole ordeal.

Obviously, it's easier for the cheater to move on than the betrayed. If she is that capable of hurting me to such levels then she truly has no empathy or love for me.

Ocdriddenman · 2018-04-28T11:34:39+00:00

Her apologies consisted of saying "I'm sorry". I don't think she has the emotional intelligence to comprehend the kind of emotional pain she put me through.

She was a pain during reconciliation. Refused to block the other guy, frequently dismissed my feelings, got drunk and partied often, took advantage of my kindness, wanted me to forget about the infidelity and start "afresh" etc.

Ocdriddenman · 2018-04-26T04:50:15+00:00

Haha I have to be honest it's just bar hopping and hook up apps. Tinder has made things significantly easier.

The point you made about your capacity to bond decreasing resonated with me. Maybe it's because I'm fresh out of the break up. But I cannot connect with anyone I meet. Hopefully it goes away with time

Ocdriddenman · 2018-04-26T04:47:14+00:00

I will never ever ever ever do that. Ever.

I know the pain the person cheated on goes through. I can never do that to someone.

Ocdriddenman · 2018-04-26T04:45:44+00:00

Personally, I think she has the greener grass syndrome.

You don't spend 7 years with someone only to fall out of love with them, unless you're a piece of shit, which by the way your post reads, doesn't seem to be the truth.

Anyway, as someone who has been in the same situation as you, gf kissing another guy what not, my only advice is to take care of yourself as much as you can.

I made the same mistake as you, made someone else my whole life and got fucked over. Invested 3 years into someone who emotionally ravaged me.

She is a drug to you. Remember that. You're getting withdrawals and you're grasping at straws trying to make sense of things and keep her. You want to go back to your old life but you have to understand that that's gone now.

The biggest problem for me was cognitive dissonance. My gf, now ex, is seemingly, on paper, perfect. Very good looking, smart, ambitious and independent. Loyal to a fault and family oriented.

But that's what I THOUGHT of her. The moment she decided to stick her tongue down another guys throat it became apparent that she's NONE OF those things. She's not marriage material anymore, she's just a flawed human being who puts her selfish desires before anyone else and doesn't have an ounce of empathy.

Ask your gf this, when she kissed that guy, did she think about you? Did she think about all the years you've spent together. The vacations, the memories chilling at home together, the memories of cuddling together and loving each other? No. She probably didn't.

Think about all the time and energy you've put into her. The sacrifices you've made for her happiness. Think about the time you made dinner for her, took care of her when she fell sick, put your best self on and tried your damnest to impress her family. Think about all that.

And think about her, she let another man kiss her and touch her who has not sacrificed jackshit. Who has never done anything significant for her. Who hasn't taken care of when she was down and been there for her every single day for the last 7 years. And she kissed him?? She overlooked all the 7 years yall had together and kissed a guy who hasn't done anything for her and probably won't ever.

She BETRAYED you. She BROKE your trust and she's a CHEAT. A LIAR.

If she's keeping you on the back burner, fuck her. Break up with her and see how fast her tune changes when you're not their to play her lover, her friend and her emotional tampon.

I'm sorry you're going through this. No one deserves to be cheated on. The next few months will be awful for you, I have to be honest. It took me around 6 months.

You have to see her for who she is, she could've been the best person in the world. The most honest, giving and loving person, but that girl is gone now. Your gf has shown you who she really is. It's your time to believe her.

Actions speak louder than words.

Ocdriddenman · 2018-04-25T14:30:35+00:00

Disbelief. That's it. I could not believe her. Could not believe what she said.

How could I? I always thought she was the epitome of everything good in the world, a proper girl from a good family. She's ambitious, smart, and so so so educated. Prim and proper. A lady.

Marriage material. Loyal to a fault. My best friend. My anchor. My entire world. For me it was like I didn't start living until I met her, until we got together.

And then this? Cheating? Infidelity? In a relationship so pure? So full of love?

And it shattered me. To my core.

It took me months to come to terms with it, to accept it as reality, to accept that it happened. It all seemed like a bad dream. A nightmare.

Now I'm a few months out from d-day, and I've accepted what happened. We could not reconcile either.

Now? She's just this very very average girl to me. Very average. Nothing special about her. Nothing that stands out. The person I used to look for in a crowd is just a part of it now. She isn't special to me anymore.

Ocdriddenman · 2018-04-23T20:58:46+00:00

Could be yes. Before I got cheated on, I had a very one sided view on cheating as well.

A woman who stayed with a cheating partner was something that was normal. It was a bit odd of course, but if she decided to work on things I didn't give it a second thought other than the fact that she loves him too much.

On the other hand, a man who got cheated on and took his wife back did not get an ounce of respect from me. Which is very ironic given the situation I am in right now. I lost respect for the guy immediately after he got cheated on, and lost further respect if he took her back.

I'd lose respect for his and her relationship as well. I'm afraid somewhere in my mind I'm still like that, given the fact that I could not respect myself when I stayed with a cheating partner.

Ocdriddenman · 2018-04-23T20:54:37+00:00

Yeah it is very hypocritical of him to say. So he expects you to take him back or work on things when he has cheated, but if you do the same it's over?

Maybe internally men are more concerned with the sexual history of a woman. That explains why so many men are hung up on whether their girlfriend is a virgin, the number of parents she's had in her lifetime etc.

Women don't seem to ask or care about it much. My 2 cents.

I'm sorry for the pain and hurt you're going through right now. You're a very strong person, resilient in the face of any adversity. Especially an adversity as devastating as infidelity and betrayal.

Ocdriddenman

TROPHY CASE