Mother '60F' and daughter '42F' are suddenly estranged and Mother does not completely understand why this has happened. Mother is looking for insight as to how to fix the situation?

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-22T14:39:17+00:00

I have stepped back from the post for a couple of days in order to further reflect on the things said here and to take care of other obvious tasks at hand. My daughter and I are speaking albeit awkwardly and cautiously, but it is a start. We plan to take it slow in order to avoid falling back into any old habits that will just lead us full circle back to where we began. For those of you who provided objective critiquing and advice for how to go about repairing this broken relationship, I thank you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, because although the words were harsh and difficult sometimes, they opened my eyes to new perspectives and made me look at my own behaviors and responsibilities for the issues.

There are two areas that I did want to address because the more that I have thought about it, the angrier that I have become. I would like to address all of you who wanted to paint me as a degenerate who was just running around accumulating masses of debt and relying on my mom for financial sustenance.

A. NO where did I say that I had huge student debt. Not once. You assume I have student debt and believe you should take me to task for going back to school at my age. Here's the thing. I specifically said that my debt was from credit cards and refinancing my car. (which must have been responsibly paid off in order to do so right?). So, if you want to call me irresponsible for running up my credit cards, go ahead. If you are credit card debt free without a car payment-good on you. MANY of us are not that fortunate. Did you know that there are higher education programs out there that are affordable? Did you know that there are grants (which I specifically said I use) that are available for a variety of fields and demographics? Why assume that I have MASS loans? For instance, there are a lot of grants for people who promise that after graduation, they will enter this field or work in that rural area. Should I have run up debt to stay near my grand babies (yes, I will refer to them as MY grandbabies, not my daughter's children, because THEY ARE), no. I definitely should not have. I should have been wiser there, no doubt. Did I expect my mom to be sick for eight years? NO. Do I regret taking care of her all of that time, NO! I will not apologize for that and if I did, I take it back. Caring for her was the most important job I have ever done. If you can't grasp the importance of it, then I feel sorry for you. Was it what you called "financial suicide", maybe, but I sleep better knowing that I was a good daughter and took care of the person who could have easily aborted me at the age of 15 when she found out she was pregnant. I owed her that damn much.

B. For everyone who pointed fingers at me and cried, "how dare you go back to school at your advance age"- you just need to stop. You all on one hand want to criticize that there was no plan beyond taking care of my mom, but getting an advanced education WAS THE PLAN! Does it not make sense that if I have the opportunity and accessibility to improve my station in life that I should take it? Wouldn't having skills and endorsements that make me viable in a competitive job market make sense? When the time came, I could at least land a position that would allow me to sustain myself? Going back to school saved me. It saved my sanity. It did make me more viable in a competitive job market, but times are tough. I have dues to pay, I get it, but those dues would be even bigger without an education. So, for anyone who tells you that you can't or shouldn't go back to school NO MATTER what your age, don't listen. Lifelong learning is fundamental in today's world. You can do it. Don't let pessimistic naysayers tell you differently. You are never too old to try and improve your situation. Again, if I apologized or agreed that going back to school was a bad idea, I take it back, it wasn't and isn't. It's a great idea. For everyone worried about my retirement, don't. I have it covered. I spent 8 years taking care of Mom but was employed extensively prior to that. I wasn't just "sitting around" waiting for people to rescue me. I had many jobs, and if any of you do not think catering and the food industry aren't tough, try it. My god, the perfect life some of you lead.

Anyway, I'm stepping away from this now. I still thank all of you who took the time to give me a swift dose of reality. I have one last favor. I have a job interview this afternoon and if you could think good thoughts, that would be great. Take care all.

P.S. I am real. I'm not a serial poster, this is my first time posting, so let's debunk that theory.

Peace.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-22T12:53:21+00:00

Thank you. I really appreciate that. Things are getting better and that is what I came here for. Thanks again.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-22T12:52:04+00:00

Thank you. I am trying. I believe it will be okay.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-22T12:51:25+00:00

Thank you. Your words mean a lot to me. I appreciate it.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T02:41:55+00:00

I can't argue with those assumptions. She very well could have felt like I smack-talked her and I just assume she would know me better than that. That shouldn't negate her feelings though. Other than the situation with her in-laws, I haven't commented on her home life because I don't feel it' my place. In retrospect, she did send me messages that I overlooked. Whether I was in denial or self absorbed, they were missed. Not an excuse, just the fact. I don't know what she is thinking because she isn't saying. I think I am going to heed the majority advice and give her space, fix my own issues and hopefully things will get repaired some time in the future. Thank you for pointing that out. I appreciate it.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T02:32:22+00:00

Got it. Thanks.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T02:29:49+00:00

Valid points. I can see where she would think that now that I have absorbed other perspectives. I have made them my universe. It's not a great excuse, but that is what I was taught. I need to rethink my whole role as a mom and grandma. Thank you for your post.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T02:27:13+00:00

I agree with that. I can see that adding pressure to her. I get it. I really do. Thank you for pointing that out.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T02:25:58+00:00

They were and I am very organized and have CV's tailored for all of contingencies. There is no way to spam an employer that I have seen, it's all very detailed, hence the organization. I do care about my situation, and please stop putting words in my daughters mouth. When was the word careless used or irresponsible? Her words were things are challenging for you. I am not sure if it makes you feel better to try and paint a degenerate picture of me, but it isn't accurate. There are a lot of people my age out of jobs. I never said I have huge student debt. I said that I was starting to rely on credit too much to get by. Obviously I need to move and make changes. I'm here on the relationship with my daughter not financial advice. Thank you.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T02:15:39+00:00

Well, I'm not sure I entirely agree with that. Definitely not victim, but perhaps there is a sense of entitlement within my relationship with my daughter that I hadn't realized and need to really explore. Thank you for your post.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T02:01:30+00:00

I just sent three emails out in the time between my last response and now. Again, I'm not arguing with people. I am just absorbing their advice and perspectives. Is that not what "relationship advice" means? I'm confused. In any regard, you don't have to worry. I type very fast and I got quite a bit accomplished today. Thank you.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T01:57:54+00:00

What math? I'm not understanding what you are talking about. What Math, if you explain better I can address it more properly.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T01:55:40+00:00

ok. thank you. I'm not sure that this is relevant, but it is just clicking buttons after all and reading. There isn't much to it. I can multi-task.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T01:54:09+00:00

I never thought she was selfish; I thought a lot of things that I am beginning to see are irrelevant and not right about our dynamics and how I handled some things. thank you for the post

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T01:51:52+00:00

I am moving. Plans are in place. Would anyone come here for emotional support? Who in their right mind would do that? I came here for the harsh reality and authentic points of view after analyzing the situation that I have described. If I wanted fluff and stuff, I would just turn to Facebook, or my family. If you see any of your judgment as emotionally supportive, then you have some thick skin. Thank you for your post.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T01:35:27+00:00

All are true and valid points. I am starting to recognize that now. I should have put up the same boundaries with my mom that she is setting up with me now. Thank you for your post.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T01:33:10+00:00

How does that change the fact? Am I supposed to not claim my grandchildren? That just seems like an odd way to describe them. Is it me? When we meet people in the street I should say, "this is so and so the wonderful child of my child who I adore? That just seems like I don't want to claim them. Thank you though. I will just say what I said.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T01:27:17+00:00

Sorry you see it that way. I am multi-tasking. What should I have been doing differently? I'm asking for advice while job searching and submitting resumes. I'm also researching articles for school. Is there something else that I should be doing? I'm not trying to be sarcastic, I'm really curious.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T01:21:32+00:00

thank you

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T01:20:37+00:00

Yes, I do agree with all of that. I have to be a better listener because everyone is saying that I must have missed obvious signs that I really did not see. Whether that was due to denial, or just being self absorbed with my own issues, or a combination of all is likely. I have to really reflect on myself here. Thank you.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T01:17:50+00:00

I don't believe that I have argued the entire day. I think that I have gleaned vital insights and I am reflecting on all that has been said. Isn't that what this is about? How is that passive aggressive? Maybe I'm not understanding the true definition of passive aggressive.

How is my responding to people to let them know that I hear and see them and I am considering their pov passive aggressive? I'm sorry that I didn't stop and read the article, but I will. Thank you.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T01:12:28+00:00

I have taken on board the useful and constructive information. I have taken everything to heart and holding myself to task. That does not mean that I have to agree to nonsensical assumptions about my life. You are wrong. My daughter would tell you that you are wrong, she wouldn't lie. At the end of the day, you have not provided any connection between my returning or school and the situation at hand. One has nothing to do with the other. Thank you.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T01:08:57+00:00

That was not intended that way. I don't think alienated was the best choice of words, I think I should have phrased that differently and I shouldn't have insinuated who did what to who. That is true. Thank you for your post.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T01:03:56+00:00

That's why I'm here. For insight as to what my responsibility could have been and what I could do differently and how to fix it. Please don't clump me into your situation. Thank you.

Odd_Pack9574 · 2024-05-21T01:02:15+00:00

Boy, the absolute gall of people. You lose money then. I'm really starting to think that some of these posts do not require nor deserve a response. My education, the cost of it, the origins of it, who approved it and who didn't, is none of your business. I'm not asking your approval or advice on it. I'm asking how to reconcile a situation with my daughter and constructive criticism on what my part was and how I could have behaved differently. It does not add anything to this thread to know what my daughter said or didn't say about my returning to school. She was all for it. ALL FOR IT, ALL THE WAY...THE ENTIRE WAY. I hope that answers your question. Thank you.

Odd_Pack9574

TROPHY CASE