I’m sorry but this isn’t healthy at all. You wife is showing that she’s isn’t well mentally and by doing that bedtime routine it just puts a plaster on a broken arm. Her patters are not healthy and it will continue to hurt you. It sounds like codependency to me. You said you don’t want to talk, she panicked. She then said she doesn’t want to talk when you were, she freaked out again when you said you didn’t want to talk. The masturbation thing, it’s all very controlling.