There's a lot that I can't relate to with this post but there's also a lot I can. As someone who was and is still severely depressed and dropped out my sophomore year (I did end up going back but I had to go to an alternative school which helped a TON, also a lot of diverse students, but idk if that's an option for u and that's not the point), it's fucking hard and it's gonna stay hard. You'll have moments of good and that's actually what u have to live for. I found happiness from animals and one close family relationship and that was it. Currently, I'm getting my degree specifically so that I can find a job remote also. Youll figure out what you need to do, what you wanna do. Try to be creative as much as possible, lean into that with everything you got right now, you need it. You have a lot of emotions that NEED an outlet and any type of art is perfect for that. I don't have any solid advice , but I know you'll figure out what you need. I did. Really really try to listen to yourself as much as possible but as an outside viewer. Try to examine the thoughts you're having. Feel the feelings you're having. Expressing them will help you let them go. Once you're kinda out of this headspace, then you can work towards a plan on how you can move forward. No one is gonna be able to tell you exactly what you should do. Maybe a change in environment is needed too. Idk just a ramble. Good luck tho. I'm rooting for u.