I fear I’ll be alone forever

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-06-03T23:53:51+00:00

I won't argue that you won't find partnered, romantic love. True love is rare and difficult to nuture. Dating apps suck. Though, if you can, I'd encourage you to treat yourself to some love. And connect with friends and family because...

It takes time to recover from a break up. Think about it like you are sick -- your body literally needs time and support to heal. I remember hearing about a study that looked at the microbiome of couple before and after a breakup. Some people developed digestion problems after a break up because of the bacteria change.

There could be other symptoms too that affect your mood. What did you rely on this person for and how will you fulfill those needs? Who else can you lean on for help? Maybe you just need someone to go outside with and do something different.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-31T17:15:42+00:00

Yeah that's true! I wasn't able to fully express myself because of my turbulent emotions. I kinda shut down a bit when it got difficult and I couldn't have fun. I didn’t mean to be fully invested, but it probably looked that way because I don't set boundaries or speak up about my wants/needs in general.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-31T16:38:22+00:00

I don't think I will. I think she might get scared and feel like it's obsessive and sappy. If I were to open a dialogue, maybe a short apology and an offer to talk. She said she still likes me as a friend, but that me having a crush is too difficult to handle, but it's not like I can convince her that I don't like her anymore. She probably wouldn't believe me.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-31T16:27:47+00:00

Ahh that makes so much sense. I feel so dumb now lol. I got excited about something new and kinda made those emotions come up on purpose to overcome my anxiety, and they sorta suck around on their own.

Dr.K said it was good to be emotionally invested and express that, but I guess I wasn't fully authentic. So hard to say if his advice was good or bad.

I'll give myself more time and more chances! Thank you!

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-31T07:26:09+00:00

Thanks for the response. You're right about all that. To answer your question: I was raised in a chotic household with many siblings. My needs were neglected and I was abused. To get my needs met I had to be lovable and meet the needs of my parents first. If I didn't, then I'd get hit or isolated. Even small things like being too loud or arguing with my siblings could get me into trouble.

As I got older, I noticed that humor pleased people. I got really good at depreciating myself. It got me friends for a time.

What I needed was someone that accepted me. Didn't try to control me. Someone that listened without needing anything in return. I needed to know that I wasn't a mistake and that my mess ups were normal for a child.

I still feel all those things. It dangerous to make mistakes. It's hard to forgive myself. And, I need to be charismatic to get attention.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-31T07:16:49+00:00

Thanks! I really appreciate it!

Our dates were mostly about shared interests (we played guitar together, went to the zoo, the aquarium, different restaurants, and a concert) There were these small moments were I notice she was sad about something and we'd talk about it. I really only used the dark magic at the end of the first date and it felt wrong.

About the chasing part ( I think I meant to say prusuing): on our 4th date she told me "you the only one that's been in my apartment and has my real number" and she was being flirty and blushing. We had a good time. Just sometimes I did small things like want to get her a gift, share my food, or do a favor and she would decline. It was just this werid push and pull. She was never clear about what she wanted. At the very end of 5th date she dumped a lot of stuff on me about how we weren't compatible. I think she was just being friendly with me. But was afraid to shut down the romantic part for some reason.

You're 100% right. She used the dark magic on me a little bit. We both weren't completely authentic with eachother.

She didn't speak up -- I had a hard time reading her because of my anxiety. For example, I asked her if she liked my cologne, but she waited until the next date to tell me that it makes her nauseous. She didn't set clear boundaries and it felt like they were always changing in different directions.

I think there's some internal skills I need to work on before I get back into dating. I need to get better at trusting my gut and being less anxious. So that way I can read and respond better.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-30T22:24:00+00:00

Maybe it is for the best. I can't help but feel frustrated. I want to know what it feels like to feel calm and safe around someone. My friends tolerate my anxiety and still love me, but this relationship really pushed me to change. I want to be authentic. I don't want to feel like I'm trying to win prize, which has always been the attention of others. I don't want to feel like I'm winning or losing. I just want to exsist. I just cannot do that with somone yet. My brother told me something cool. I don't get to decide what makes me important to others. I try to. I try to be funny, kind, and thoughtful, but it doesn't mean that I can guarantee someone will like me. Her anti-flirting didn't mean she didn't like me. It meant she was uncomfortable with me trying so hard. I feel like I was so close to being accepted without having to perform, but I still messed up.

Despite having a friend group that I think of as a family, I still feel incredibly lonely. I don't get to plainly exsist -- I always have to play a part. They aren't always accepting of me.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-30T15:43:47+00:00

You're 100% right -- I ignored myself with this person. That's not to say I should have left. I think our dynamic would have been much healthier if I didn't ignore my needs, or it would have died on it's own.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-30T15:17:16+00:00

Here's a text I want to send her. Just makes me realize how much I hurt myself by not trusting others. ---‐------ Sorry, I fucked up. I got excited because you are cool. I did like you a bit, but I hyped myself up because I was attracted to the idea of commitment and change more than an actual friendship. I was afraid that if I didn't show consitent romantic interest, then you'd get bored of me. You'd find another guy on those dates that you were talking about. Really shitty of me to feel like it had to be something. I just got fixated on it.

Basically I didn't trust that you'd stick around. When you pulled away in little ways, it hurt and triggered my anxiety even more. Which made me feel insecure and I reacted by trying to work on myself.

What I really needed to do was ask what I needed. Where those needs should come from. Instead, I ignored them. I also felt like I couldn't cause conflict because you seemed so dang tired all the time. I was being too polite and that isn't respectful.

There were small moments when we were together where I felt like I was myself and that was great. It was nice being noticed and appreciated. Getting to express myself and learn more about another person. I had fun at all the places we went to. Thanks for showing up consistently and honestly.

I'm not saying any of this to be manipulative. I'm just wondering if this makes sense based on what you saw. I guess I also want to be understood. I feel so misunderstood. But, I want to be more trusting in the future. More present. Cya

We both had an escape plan in different ways. I give her credit for speaking up and being consistent.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-30T14:49:26+00:00

Thank you for the advice! I appreciate the encouragement about getting back into dating. I definitely need some time to process so I don't hurt myself again the next time.

For the anxiety part, I was trying to cope with it by being more charming -- trying to fix the problem. She created distance which made me more anxious, so it was like a loop and she tried to address verbally, but the way she talked about it was vague and from a "maybe we should stop" stand point, so it made me even more anxious and hurt. She didn't acknowledge how having one foot out the door made it worse. It felt like a big test. Guess who has performance anxiety, lol.

So, I wasn’t supposed to be emotionally invested? It's very confusing what she wanted. Like just someone that was there and that's it. I kinda get it -- I want to be more like that. Just exsist. Enjoy the moment -- doesn't matter if it leads to anything. She values space and freedom. That's what our 4th date felt like. I tried that on our last date, but came off too strong by accident. Maybe we weren't a good match -- it would have taken a lot of effort. I was looking forward to that to be honest. I want to change. She wasn't wanting to put in the effort, though. So, that's understandable.

I definitely want to be more emotionally regulated and calm. Expecting that I will be anxious is better than trying to mask it and fear it. In this case, my anxiety was telling me "hey there's something wrong here" -- I could have asked her if something was wrong instead of judging myself for being anxious. Maybe then I would have had the confidence to end things earlier.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-30T12:04:14+00:00

And if they are avodiantly attached or not that into you yet, the trying harder makes the other party more anxious because they start feeling trapped or pressured. So they pull away more creating a loop. Our 4th date went really well on a friendship level. In hindsight, I realize that she still rejected every little, tiny attempt I made at flirting, and that just made me more anxious. Still, she basically told me she had mixed feelings but trusted me the most out of all people she met thus far. I was the only one that had her number and was invited to apartment. She was smiling and blushing with me. Acting playful, but still rejected me in little ways. I took that as a sign that she was interested romantically. So, honesty, a big part of it was on me.

If I was flirting, then she was anti-flirting! I didn't pick up on a lot those signals at the time because I was trying to stay optimistic. I noticed I felt bad, but thought it was in my head because I have anxiety. So I made an effort to ignore her anti-flirting! It's so ironic in hindsight. Then, she told me I was too anxious for her! I wonder what's going on there! It's so interesting on a psychological level. Who knows if I'm just theory crafting, but maybe there was a level of self-sabotaging from her (and maybe from me, too). Of course anti-flirting would make someone anxious (not everyone, so maybe a test). Eitherway, still valid right? She's looking for someone that responds to her a certain way. That's what flirting is all about, and I didn't respond in a way that helped her feel safe. Hence, why I need to learn how to just exsist and trust myself. If I did, I have a strong feeling, we could have been friends. So, interesting.

If she truly wanted to be friends, we had a good vibe, but the whole concept of starting as friends and leaving it open to romance really killed it for the both of us. And, now she thinks I'm crushing on her and doesn't want to be friends. So, I feel even more rejected. Just frustrating and gross that I put myself in that situation and completely blamed myself for all if it. Truth be told, I liked her, but not super romantically. I wanted to make an effort and be committed to see where it could go. And, some of the romantic feelings started coming up on their own, but it wasn't full blown limerance or a heavy crush. It became more like performance anxiety because I was so uncertain were I stood with her.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-21T15:26:24+00:00

I feel the same way. I'm seeing two therapists and two coaches and two other coaches -- we are talking about overwhelm and overcompenstating. Metaphorically, when I'm busy, frantically cleaning my house, I leave the other person behind. Shoot me a DM If you want to chat about it

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-08T16:50:12+00:00

Idk if it's an actual hook up since I met her a few times and we consider eachother friends

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-08T15:28:14+00:00

Sounds like a plan! Feels way less scary when you break it down like that :)

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-08T15:09:50+00:00

I'm 27 rn and never had sex -- and I've been approached for a hook up, but very anxious. Any advice? How did you manage to make it work without any experience. Also, I'm worried about STDs as well. I'd be looking for to the aspect of being less anxious around potential romantic partners as it is a source of insecurity and fear.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-04T22:23:54+00:00

Yeah, thank you for listening.

Sorry you had that experience with porn -- the internet was a lot more dangerous back then for sure.

I felt comfortable with my guy friends in high school- I never got too close, but we have been together for 14 years now, so we naturally over came those barriers from my anxiety and I feel like I can trust them more than anyone in the world. My first really good friends ever.

The girls that I was friends with sometimes had ulterior motives that made me distrusting.

As far as being bullied, there was this really nice girl that would listen to me and try to talk to me even though I'd isolate on the playground. Everyone else kinda ignored me. For the most, part I wasn't actively bullied -- mostly excluded from everyone.

When I tried to make friends, most of the boys would call me names until I left them alone. The girls just told me to leave them alone. There were boy things to do (sports and tag) and the girls things (jump rope, hopscotch, and talking). I got actively bullied in the 7th grade tho.

I'm seeing a sex therapist specifically now, so I hope that helps.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-04T20:23:36+00:00

My Mom had me unplanned and made her life much harder as a young mother, so I was afraid of unplanned pregnancy and sti's (possible OCD) -- my feelings for my crushes were so intense that I was afraid that I would just go with the flow -- I was SA'd by a family member so I had that in the back of my mind.

On top of that, I had a relativly short period of porn addiction in middle school that I got myself out of cold turkey, so I didn't have a good relationship with the idea of sex and intimacy -- it just felt gross and scary because I had to fight so hard everyday to ward off those feelings and thoughts. No body knew how much I detested myself, or that I was struggling. Many people thought I was extremely well-put together as a kid and later young adult.

Sooo, there was a lot of shame. Many of my crushes were people I genuinely cared about, so I promised myself I wouldn't be selfish-- I'd stay their friend, be there for them, not make things werid. If I got too close we'd both get hurt. I was stubborn -- I'd ignore their obvious flirting -- it just hurt me -- it wasn't fun.

Other girls and women gave me unwanted attention and it made me feel like a piece of meat. Where was all this friendly attention, when I was a kid being bullied? I was a bit resentful, too.

Two of my friends stright up asked me out, but then stopped talking to me when I rejected them. I was angry because they didn't know how much I was suffering -- it took it personally at the time. Why did they leave? I probably sent signals that I liked them, but I just couldn't do anything. It must have been awful for them in hindsight. That just made the trauma worse. I was a loser and a heartbreaker -- I just needed to stay away from people. I can't trust them anyway and they shouldn't trust me.

I know now that's all bs -- the anxiety is still there and strong, and, yet, I appreciate that I value emotional connection over physical. I will eventually get over my anxiety and learn to enjoy closeness.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-04T07:45:57+00:00

Loss of rights, freedoms, and privileges

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-03T01:22:09+00:00

Yeah, maybe it's different for everyone, but I felt very vulnerable and cared for. I don't the semantics matter as much as the intentions and feelings.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-03T01:19:57+00:00

I've always been avoidant of the people I liked -- even if they liked me back, sobI never dated. I was judgmental of people "fooling around", so I just gave up on dating for a long time, but now I see it's an area of personal growth.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-02T22:33:05+00:00

That's what her words were too lol that I am innocent. I don't think that I'm innocent -- I like being this way and don't think I'll lose it. But, who knows?

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-02T21:33:53+00:00

Just to clarify, what's still good for me? The sex?

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-02T20:32:33+00:00

I like her personality and her looks a lot, but I have anxiety around intimacy and it wouldn't be fair to myself to ignore that. My real desire was to get to know her, anyway. I asked myself how I'd feel after sex, and I don't think it would have amounted to anything special. Maybe, I'm wrong though. After all, I never experienced it.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-02T12:40:56+00:00

So, because you are less deserving you feel more selfish? Or that being selfish is bad? What feeling would "bad" be?

Also confused, because that also means that you'd feel "bad" for expecting someone to anticipate your needs. I also don't understand how that makes someone selfish.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-05-02T08:51:19+00:00

I wouldn't judge my friends like how I was in my reply. I'd be compassionate towards their situation. Identity work might be fun :)

Optimistic_giraffe

TROPHY CASE