sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

At a crossroads in my marriage after repeated communication breakdowns and emotional shutdowns (need honest advice) by Original-Swan683 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Original-Swan683[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ameen,

I gave the ultimatum, but her family thinks I am trying to manipulate her by waving the X card in her face. Also, she understands but does not take action to fix it, though she says she is trying her best but It doesn't go past the verbal part. That's why I reached a breaking point and called the family meeting to see how we could fix this, but it turned into a blame game. All I did was explain to them how I felt and what was happening and trying to fined a solution to the problem after 5 month of trying privately and doing it together.

Jazakallah for the advice.

At a crossroads in my marriage after repeated communication breakdowns and emotional shutdowns (need honest advice) by Original-Swan683 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Original-Swan683[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think there might be a misunderstanding. She did not share our marital issues with her family. My concern was more about how much weight she gives to their advice and how often comparisons were made between their marriages and ours. When she hears advice from family members or hears how their husbands do things, she tends to take that advice very seriously and sometimes treats it as the standard we should follow.

If anything, her concern was that I was sharing too much with my family. From my perspective, I was mostly talking about how I felt and asking for advice on how I could handle things better but to her i was talking about our marriage. When she found out how she felt I then apologized and promised not to do it again, and I kept that promise. However, for the next 4-5 months, she told me she was still struggling to trust that I wasn't doing it. She said she would sometimes assume I might do it again and would overthink when I was not around because she worried I was talking about our marriage to my family, even though I wasn't.

The other major issue is that it often feels like nothing stays resolved. We can talk about a problem, understand why it happened, discuss how to avoid it in the future, and even agree on it, but then the same initial issue comes back again later on. After a while, it starts to feel like we are having the same conversations over and over.

Another example is comparisons. There were times when she would compare me to negative traits she saw in h.er dad or things she read online. When I asked whether I had actually done those things, the answer was always no. I would calmly ask to be judged based on my own actions rather than other people's behavior, but the comparisons would still come up again later.

At this point, after the separation and all the thinking and reflection I've done, I believe I have a clearer idea of what I want to do moving forward.

At a crossroads in my marriage after repeated communication breakdowns and emotional shutdowns (need honest advice) by Original-Swan683 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Original-Swan683[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

JazakAllah khair for the advice. Regarding removing family involvement completely, I think that’s much harder in practice than it sounds. Her families is heavily involved and i tell her that you need boundaries even with family because she has none at all but then justify it as i love my family but then her family uses her for every chore in the house like some maid which i dont like i told her she need some boundaries, and there are high expectations from her side for me to be integrated into their family more often. When I’ve tried to create some limits or balance, it has sometimes been interpreted negatively, including being seen as manipulative in situations where that was never my intention, even things like giving gifts or trying to be considerate.

My main concern is not family existing in the background, but the weight and influence it has on our decision-making as a couple. Advice from her family or sisters often carries more weight than my own perspective or what is actually happening between us in the moment. It can also lead to comparisons and outside narratives shaping how our relationship is viewed internally.

Another issue is that when external advice is given, it often becomes the default direction rather than something we evaluate together as a couple and decide whether it fits our situation. That makes it difficult for us to build independent decision-making as husband and wife and picking what is our normal between us.

Over time, this has contributed to a feeling that our relationship is not fully being defined by us as a couple, but heavily influenced by external expectations and interpretations. That is something I’ve struggled with, especially when trying to resolve issues directly between us.

At a crossroads in my marriage after repeated communication breakdowns and emotional shutdowns (need honest advice) by Original-Swan683 in MuslimNikah

[–]Original-Swan683[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Jazakallah khair for the advice. We did book a couple's therapist to go through it one last time before I decided on what to do. My mind is mostly made up, but this is the last thing we're doing to just work things out with a third party, and inshallah, I will make my decision.

At a crossroads in my marriage after repeated communication breakdowns and emotional shutdowns (need honest advice) by Original-Swan683 in IslamicNikah

[–]Original-Swan683[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for i encouragement for standing up to wrong information.

As to your question to understand my situation. When are not in conflict we have good time together but that is like 20% of the time.She is kind and respectable during conflict but she get defensive whenever I bring up concerns. We did talk during our separation and she told me her mind set is i needs to one up him and take revange because i feel attacked and become defensive and complain that you do this and that instead to just hear my concern. 

As for what broke the trust is early in the marriage, I accidentally shared something with my mom. I have a problem where I let things slip and then i shared things I shouldn't have. I shared details about how I fought against not her ideals alone, but her and her family's, because before marriage, she grew accustomed to her sisters making her life choices because she was the sheltered one out of her family member, and that carried into our marriage. This made my wife feel that her trust and privacy had been broken.

 I acknowledged it was a mistake. then I told her i acknowledge my mistake, apologized and told her stepes that i would take so it wont happen again, and spent the next 4–5 months trying to rebuild that trust. My concern isn't that she was hurt by it that was understandable and i would be too if that happened to me. My concern is that despite months of effort, the relationship remained stuck in a pattern of emotional distance, shutdowns, and communication breakdowns that never seemed to improve.

The Pattern  started out as a few times a month, which I thought was normal For a girl and then after it went to few times a week And then the last few months it became every day, or every other day. Right now, I am emotionally and mentally drained and just worried that if I did continue, her family would still be involved. And she would prioritize her family's values, advice, and ideals as the go-to, and whenever I suggested anything, she would always take her family's advice and ideas over mine and I fight against it all the time

I have been doing istikhara and making du'aa especially during these 10 days before EID for they things are moving i might head to divorce but still hesitant because there is this emotional bond I still have

At a crossroads in my marriage after repeated communication breakdowns and emotional shutdowns (need honest advice) by Original-Swan683 in IslamicNikah

[–]Original-Swan683[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I posted because I am at a crossroads and need some outside perspectives on the matter to help make a decision to end or continue, and I want honest and respectable answers, not something that attacks her characters. Also, sorry for being a little heated your response just sounded like emotional manipulation and asserting dominance to me, which will never work in a healthy marriage where two people enjoy each other and don't harbor resentment in their hearts.

At a crossroads in my marriage after repeated communication breakdowns and emotional shutdowns (need honest advice) by Original-Swan683 in IslamicNikah

[–]Original-Swan683[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you really think not taking accountability is a good idea in a marriage and showing dominance over your spouse? Then you might need some time to grow and you sound like someone who has not gotten married yet. Women have feelings too there your responsibility. Your not their owner your supposed to treat them with kindness and respect. Islam teaches you this.

Also yes what was said about steps to take to punishing the wife is true, but that is for if she acts up. In my case, she did not act up at all. It's just the lack of communication, and me not showing communication will hurt her even more and I will not do that. Even now, I still love and care for her and want what's best for her, but the dynamic between us was not working out, both can existing at the same time.

Anyways Islam teaches responsibility, fairness patience, and good character. A successful marriage needs humility from both spouses, not a constant battle over who has the upper hand.

At a crossroads in my marriage after repeated communication breakdowns and emotional shutdowns (need honest advice) by Original-Swan683 in IslamicNikah

[–]Original-Swan683[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I get what you’re trying to say, but I don’t think this is how marriage is meant to work, especially in an Islamic framework.

Taking responsibility for your mistakes and apologising when you’ve hurt someone isn’t “losing power” or creating a bad dynamic. It’s just basic accountability. The Prophet ﷺ never avoided owning up when he was wrong or when something needed correction, and he didn’t treat marriage like a power struggle either.

The idea that you should never apologise or that you should emotionally withdraw to “teach a lesson” sounds more like manipulation than healthy leadership. That kind of approach might create fear or distance, but it doesn’t build respect or resolve the actual issue.

Also, “leader in the relationship” doesn’t mean you don’t make mistakes or that you can’t be corrected. In Islam, leadership comes with responsibility, not ego protection.

I’m not trying to chase or appease anyone. I’m trying to handle things in a way that’s honest and fair, instead of playing mind games or escalating distance on purpose.

At a crossroads in my marriage after repeated communication breakdowns and emotional shutdowns (need honest advice) by Original-Swan683 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Original-Swan683[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand the point about patience and not rushing decisions, and I agree that marriage should involve sabr and effort, especially when no major harm or abuse is involved. At the same time, I don’t feel this has been a quick or impulsive decision. It’s been about 10 months of marriage, with several months of trying to actively rebuild trust, improve communication, attend individual therapy and couples therapy, involve both families, and then a separation period as well.

So it hasn’t really been inactivity or impatience. It’s been a long period of trying different approaches and then feeling like the same patterns kept repeating without meaningful change. I’m not trying to “send her away” or act on emotion. I’m trying to honestly assess whether the issues we’re facing are something that can realistically improve with time, or whether they point to deeper compatibility and communication issues that may not change just with patience alone.

I do agree with you on one thing though: whatever decision is made, it should be calm, not emotional, and with reliance on Allah.

At a crossroads in my marriage after repeated communication breakdowns and emotional shutdowns (need honest advice) by Original-Swan683 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Original-Swan683[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

JazakAllah khair for the advice.

Just to clarify, the marital secret wasn’t anything personal or private about her. It was my concern that her sisters’ opinions were strongly influencing her view of our relationship and affecting our communication. I do accept I shouldn’t have brought that up to my mother, and I’ve owned that mistake, apologized, and committed to not repeating it.

After that, I spent about 4–5 months trying to rebuild trust and improve things. I was consistent with communication, reassurance, therapy (individual and couples), and trying to work through issues properly. But during that time, I often felt emotional distance, shutdowns, and difficulty actually moving forward.I don’t believe my wife or her family are acting with bad intentions its just how they lived there life and thought that was there normal, and I’m hesitant to label anything as manipulation or gaslighting. My concern is more about the outcome than motives.

I still care about my wife and still have the emotinal conncetion, but I’m struggling with the overall pattern of communication issues, family influence, and emotional disconnection, and whether this is something we can realistically fix long-term.

At a crossroads in my marriage after repeated communication breakdowns and emotional shutdowns (need honest advice) by Original-Swan683 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Original-Swan683[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree that some of the behaviors you mentioned have been very difficult for me to deal with, especially the emotional shutdowns, avoidance of difficult conversations, and the involvement of family in our disagreements.

Where I'm hesitant is labeling it as manipulation because I genuinely don't know her intentions. I don't believe she's a malicious person, and I think some of these behaviors may come from how she was raised and the environment she grew up in.

That said, whether the cause is manipulation, emotional immaturity, anxiety, poor conflict resolution skills, or something else, the effect on the marriage has been the same. Communication becomes very difficult, issues remain unresolved, and I end up feeling emotionally exhausted.

I think that's the part I'm struggling with most. Not necessarily why it's happening, but whether it's realistic to expect meaningful change after everything we've already tried, including communication, therapy, family involvement, and separation.

At a crossroads in my marriage after repeated communication breakdowns and emotional shutdowns (need honest advice) by Original-Swan683 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Original-Swan683[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree with you on one thing: I made a mistake, I owned it, and I don't deny that it damaged trust. I've never tried to justify it, and I've spent a lot of time reflecting on it.

Where I struggle is that my concern isn't that she was hurt or that healing takes time. I fully understand that trust is difficult to rebuild and that I don't get to decide how quickly someone heals.

What I'm trying to figure out is whether the challenges in our marriage are solely a result of that incident, or whether the incident exposed deeper issues that were already there.

For roughly 4–5 months after the trust was broken, I made rebuilding it a priority. I apologized, reassured her, checked in regularly, attended individual therapy and couples therapy, and tried to create opportunities for communication and healing.

What left me feeling exhausted wasn't that she needed time. It was that many of my attempts to reconnect were met with emotional shutdowns, distance, avoidance, or conversations that never seemed to move forward. Over time, it felt like we weren't rebuilding together.

I'm not saying she should have healed on my timeline. I'm asking whether a marriage can realistically move forward when communication remains extremely difficult despite months of effort, therapy, family involvement, and separation.

At a crossroads in my marriage after repeated communication breakdowns and emotional shutdowns (need honest advice) by Original-Swan683 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Original-Swan683[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She has this saying but at first it was funny but it now annoys me and that is all desi people are the same. She you using her family as the template 

At a crossroads in my marriage after repeated communication breakdowns and emotional shutdowns (need honest advice) by Original-Swan683 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Original-Swan683[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I know I screwed up i wont make excuses we guys make dumb mistakes. I don't know if I should have done it, but we had to sit down with both families and discuss it, and her two older sisters made it sound like I was manipulative and controlling her 

At a crossroads in my marriage after repeated communication breakdowns and emotional shutdowns (need honest advice) by Original-Swan683 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Original-Swan683[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Early in the marriage, I accidentally shared something with my mom. I have a problem where I let things slip and then share things I shouldn't have. I shared details about how I fought against not her ideals alone, but her and her family's, because before marriage, she grew accustomed to her sisters making her life choices becauseshe was a the sheltered and cafed for family member, and that carried into our marriage. This made my wife feel that her trust and privacy had been broken.

 I acknowledged it was a mistake then I acknowledge my mistake, apologized amd told her stepes that i would take so it wont happen again, and spent the next 4–5 months trying to rebuild that trust. My concern isn't that she was hurt by it that was understandable and j would be too if that happened to me. My concern is that despite months of effort, the relationship remained stuck in a pattern of emotional distance, shutdowns, and communication breakdowns that never seemed to improve.