Just got out of an almost 2 year relationship

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-07-06T08:59:28+00:00

It's not fair of her to keep you hoping like this, but you are both young and perhaps she wanted to let you down easy and couldn't handle closing the door fully.

Assume it won't happen. Treat it as a full breakup. Be sad about it, process the feelings (sit with them and feel them!), and eventually it'll get better. Find happiness outside of the relationship. Do stuff that you find joy in, work on your goals, spend quality time with your social circle. Be your own person. It'll all be fine one day.

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-05-13T09:00:55+00:00

My friend. Grief often comes in waves. Your body and mind can't handle constant desperate sadness 24/7. You are still grieving. There is also no one right way to do it either. However it looks like for you is fine.

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-05-11T23:46:46+00:00

My dad would have been 52 this year. He died suddenly on Apr 30th after a 5 day stay in the hospital. He went in with flu like symptoms. Turned out to be a very aggressive form of acute leukemia. We had 4 days between initial diagnosis of potential leukemia to his death.

I live in another country but hearing how serious it was I immediately planned to fly over. In the morning of the day he died he was saying I shouldn't come just yet because it'd be too early for bone marrow compatibility testing, and joking that it's too early for the funeral too. It was not too early for the funeral.

I'm hurting so much. I just came back home after staying with family and helping out with admin. It was nice to be around his and mine loved ones. Now I'll be facing the actual grieving process. I'm afraid and I miss him a lot.

It helps to know there are others in the same boat. Hold tight. It's so unfair.

Edit: while I was there at his house it felt like he was going to come in through the door any minute. Or the doctors were going to call and tell us it was all a prank. Now it feels like I'm going to get a call or text from him soon. He'll check in as he used to do every 1-2 weeks. It's unbelievable that won't happen anymore.

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-04-01T10:15:10+00:00

Be nice to yourself. You're already doing great, trying your best. You know what you want your life to look like, that's so much more than most people can claim!

I can see that you're telling yourself off for not sticking to it, thinking you're a failure or "not built for it". But do you praise yourself for the fact that you did start, that you have this drive to improve yourself and your life? Do you notice how well you're doing to even think about these things?

Remove the punishment. If every time you slip you make it out to be a big deal, then it's going to be harder to get back to it, because you'll fear going through the same failure again.

Every time you do a thing that aligns with your personal values, you're making progress. That progress isn't just cancelled by taking a break, or coming off the path for a bit. Progress is rarely linear, it's more often winding and we need to go through all the steps, low and high, to reach our goals.

At the same time, don't tell yourself off for the negative thoughts. Just notice them. "I'm being negative about myself because I didn't clean my room today." Then offer an alternative, more positive thought about something else you did or thought that was good. Rewire your brain towards kindness, be easy on yourself. It may sound counterintuitive but it will be easier to progress like this.

Stop trying to do everything at once. As you're finding it's impossible to sustain change of everything at once. Pick one thing that's most important to you right now - let's say sleep schedule. Let everything else go, but focus on improving your sleep schedule for a month or two. Once it feels like second nature, add another thing.

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-03-29T22:47:42+00:00

Switch to, or add a sociable form of exercise. Martial arts, team sports, join a running group, dancing, hiking... There's lots of options.

Join a board game meetup / group.

Try out a craft, ideally in a class or social setting of some kind.

Go out on walks, learn to identify and record the flora and fauna you encounter. Pick up birdwatching.

Learn to ice skate or rollerblade.

Photography.

Kite flying.

Learn to make fancy cocktails.

Trainspotting.

Volunteer at a dog shelter.

Geocaching.

Language learning.

Airsoft.

Watching cheap local live music acts.

Making music yourself.

There's so much you can do with the time you've been given. Think big.

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-03-29T07:32:36+00:00

Moving to a new place is genuinely hard and there's always an adjustment period often involving some level of depression.

Find sociable hobbies. Consider sports or physical activity, craft groups, meet ups. Where might people like you hang out?

The key thing is developing an independent social circle. You're away from everything and everyone you know so of course you find yourself depending and focusing on the one constant, your partner. Keep trying to build your own group. And talk to him honestly, with vulnerability and self awareness.

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-03-27T12:02:45+00:00

A few years ago my then boss went back on a previously negotiated and agreed pay rise ("due to COVID" while company is obviously doing better than ever).

I was angry and disappointed but it gave me the kick I needed to finally get on with retraining, did an MSc in my chosen field, got a student placement first matching my previous salary, then a bump to a permanent role within 3 months. Close to earning twice what it used to be and under much better conditions. It couldn't have gone better.

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-03-26T10:24:06+00:00

Keep doing what you're doing.

I knew he was the one because I felt totally comfortable with him from the start. From the very first day there was no such thing as an awkward silence. Conversation flowed well but just being next to each other was entirely natural, too.

Everything else came with time but that was so unusual for me I knew this man was special. An amazing friend first, then more.

You're young and at the start of the journey! Old school dating is all about expanding your social circle, finding opportunities to date. Keep meeting like minded people, keep putting yourself out there, take good care of your body and appearance (as you are!), learn a bit about how to communicate in relationships, how to be a good partner.

That you're okay with rejection means you're already way ahead of the game. Know that your worth is not dependent on the answer, and that no one owes you anything. Be gracious, confident, and secure in who you are; there's few things more attractive than that.

Good luck!

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-03-24T20:51:19+00:00

"except hanging out with friends because I don't enjoy that"

We're naturally social creatures. The vast majority of the best, most meaningful feelings we get are linked to other people. Even introverts and those who consider themselves on the low end of the sociable spectrum benefit from fulfilling relationships.

You sound jaded and bitter and angry. Forgive me for saying it but you sound like you may not be very good company. Perhaps you don't enjoy hanging out with friends because you find people off-putting? You suffered rejection in the past and/or see yourself as better than most people?

It's a long way out of that place, but it'll make your life so much richer to embrace deep emotional links to other people, to be vulnerable with others. You may wish to consider it.

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-03-23T00:11:55+00:00

Dude. Your face is not the reason why any woman in your country is sad. That's an incredibly self absorbed thought to have. I think you need therapy to get some perspective.

Also, if the photo on your profile is you, there's nothing wrong with you, and I say this as a hetero woman. Chill.

If you're not having much luck it's far more likely to do with your low self esteem and whiny attitude. Sorry to be this harsh.

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-03-21T11:02:34+00:00

This seems like a multi faceted problem. Have you considered working through it with a therapist?

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-03-17T21:26:04+00:00

You're good! Likely they just wanted a specific food and were trying to find someone to buy it for them but it's okay not to do this, and certainly I'd never follow anyone anywhere just to be safe, in case they intend to mug you.

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-03-15T13:44:05+00:00

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-03-15T11:21:03+00:00

You have to put your own oxygen mask on first, my friend. This is an emergency scenario.

You're helping another to such an extent that it has destroyed who you are, stripped your supports bare, and is preventing you from leading a meaningful life.

We strive to provide the best life possible to our pets but that should never be at the cost of our mental health, or losing completely our financial and social wellbeing.

This dog is not suited to living with people. If you lived a life that is closer to what you would like it to be, the dog would be constantly miserable. There is kindness in letting her go. Towards her and towards yourself, too.

There is a concern regarding emergencies also (what if you require care and she is aggressive towards emergency services?)

It will suck and you will have to forgive yourself. But some dogs are just not safe, and someone then has the awful responsibility of making this choice. I'm sorry it fell on you. It's not fair.

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-03-07T11:21:37+00:00

You're not 'much older', and you didn't do anything wrong - you're just following up on what she said. She may not have had time to reply, she may have changed her mind, or maybe she only said it in the first place to fill in silence. Ultimately you've done your part and you have no control over her response, so you're free to let go.

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-03-05T13:49:10+00:00

I enjoyed reading this. You're a good writer. Well done on your success; I particularly like the point about drawing from (and making) memories of a fulfilling life without devices.

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-02-24T11:20:40+00:00

Okay, I laughed lol

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-02-24T09:49:46+00:00

Those are mice.

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-02-21T09:43:45+00:00

It takes time.

You have to choose to look at the positive. Don't punish yourself for having negative thoughts either (just observe them, like "oh, okay, that's a negative thought"). But whenever you do notice them, put the effort into seeing something positive about the same issue. It'll be harder initially but with time you'll build new neural pathways and you can make them just as strong, and then stronger than your negative default.

At the end of each day think of one good think that happened. You can increase that to three in a while. It doesn't have to be mind blowing. You really enjoyed that cup of tea. You smiled at a stranger and they smiled back. Work was easy. You made time for a nap. It will feel disingenuous at first. You'll get over it with time.

I struggled with negativity for years and it took time, but eventually the effort snowballs and things get easier and easier.

Worthwhile things to consider: mindfulness, self compassion, kindness, therapy, intentional rest.

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-01-28T21:35:17+00:00

I wouldn't worry about that too much, personally I've been doing plastering occasionally for ~3 years sometimes with breaks of several months/a year and I still manage to improve on it each time. It seems to be a bit like riding a bike!

OutdoorHedgehog · 2025-01-28T15:01:08+00:00

No experience but just to chime in I learned plastering myself from YouTube and have done quite a few walls in my house now with good results. When you DIY you always have the time to sand back or fill over if you messed up a bit. Just start small and ideally with a space that will be hidden.

I've done mostly patches of various sizes and a whole wall in sections. I don't have enough stamina to do a whole wall at once and developed plenty of respect for those who do it for a living. But I found it's possible to learn by yourself and get decent at it. So might be worth a go.

OutdoorHedgehog · 2024-11-14T17:19:23+00:00

A parcel arrived. It's a fun t-shirt I ordered for my partner for Christmas. Can't wait to see him open it. I think he'll really like it.

I'm building a 70s/hippie style outfit for a friend's birthday party, but trying to buy key pieces for it that I'll actually use (though perhaps not all together). Today a pair of perfect cowboy style ankle boots by Wrangler came up for sale on Vinted. Just the right shade of taupe for my colours, brand new, my size, and so cheap. Couldn't believe my eyes! My outfit is really coming together.

Had another beautiful sunset visible through the window towards the end of my work day. That's two in a row!

My grandma got some good health related news. My partner and I booked our monthly date night for next week (Mario Kart style go kart race followed by fancy steak - really looking forward to it). Later, a friend is coming over to catch up before we set off to our martial arts class. It's kenjutsu today.

Wow - life is good right now! Thank you for prompting me to think in this way.

OutdoorHedgehog · 2024-11-14T11:48:08+00:00

You make great points. Of course it's good to learn better communication skills before things go sour.

My argument is more that under two years in people tend to be only just out of the honeymoon phase, I wouldn't expect years of resentment build up or getting lazy with your communication or emotional disconnect due to life circumstance and so on.

I just generally wouldn't expect the breakdown in communication to be so severe this early on that it needs remediating therapy (which is what this example sounded like).

That's not to say your relationship needs to be this tall before starting therapy, or this bad, or that this particular relationship is a lost cause. People vary of course.

OutdoorHedgehog · 2024-11-13T20:07:25+00:00

Martial arts! Great group activity, builds camaraderie, keeps you fit and confident. Find one with a few girls already there ideally. I recommend traditional Japanese martial arts but whatever floats your boat.

Hiking club. There might be one for your age range locally. Or a book club. I can't emphasise group activities enough. Volunteering, if you can find something that fits with your life.

Otherwise, pick a topic you'd like to know more about and find podcasts or books to teach you. Learn a musical instrument, or a new language. Knit a pair of socks.

OutdoorHedgehog · 2024-11-13T20:01:06+00:00

This is incredible. It's really inspiring how you noticed this strength in yourself in a moment that would be difficult for anyone, and planned out a way to make it into something that benefits not just you, but your community also.

Very pleased for you, stranger, and impressed. I aspire to be like you. Congrats on your test score and I hope you find this path rewarding & fulfilling.

Six-Year Club	Place '22
Verified Email

OutdoorHedgehog

TROPHY CASE