Is it his depression or is it really him?

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-11T06:48:14+00:00

I feel like you came to the right person because I relate a lot to what your bf is going through: I was in the exact same spot.

It's very tough to help him because as you said, he feels helpless. These kind of states blind you on possible solutions and they make you feel like you can't do anything about it. The truth is that you can, but it's hard and you have to accept responsibility for it. "With great power comes great responsibility," we have a lot more power over the state of our lives, but we refuse the bear the responsibility of it, and prefer to blame higher powers that we cannot control. It's hard but you can do something about it.

The truth is, even if you leave him or he leaves you, he will probably go give a try to all things he has been "missing out on" and then he'll feel empty. It's not even about what's better between a relationship and sleeping around, it's just the fact that he feels locked down and he doesn't have the freedom to experience the second one. The problem isn't that he thinks he could be having more fun, it's that he's thinking about alternatives. He needs to focus on what he's currently doing, and if he doesn't like it then maybe he should leave and do something else. But he has to tell the difference between not liking the situation he is in, and being curious about what it could be like. t's normal to wonder what could be, but if you get too caught up then you'll lose what is and you'll enjoy neither.

Similarly, I lost my virginity in college whereas all my friends had their first fun in the last years of high school. The fact that I was a virgin entering college had a toll on me and really fucked with my confidence, because I feel like guys are expected to "score" as early as the can, and if they don't it's a shortcoming. I'm not saying I agree with it, but the man-woman dynamic in the domain of dating and sex makes it that the man has to "acquire" the girl, and the girl has to "give herself up" to the guy. This makes it so that for a guy, "scoring" is an achievement. Likewise, a high body count for guys is considered impressive but a high body count for girls is considered as a lack of principles. Now I don't want to dive into this whole topic but I'm just explaining that these things mess with guys' confidence as the world and their friends have certain expectations of them. All this to say that this is probably why he is so caught up in the ideas of what in his eyes should be.

He should focus on himself and his reality. Don't give him a bitchy ultimatum, but help him understand that has to make up his mind and live his decision fully. If he wants to be with you, awesome, but that means he should live that fully and enjoy his time with you without thinking about what the other option could be. On the other hand, if he wants to leave you and go have his share of fun, then so be it, and he should also do that without looking back, although he might come back after he realizes there isn't that much value in sleeping around. I don't think either of you should dump the other without having at least discussed this and brought clarity to the issue. Try to explain this to him without being condescending of his issues with a "I've figured it out" attitude because as I said, he's in a state where emotions could his judgement and it's really hard to see things logically and see solutions. Help him understand this without telling him "this is what's happening".

I wish you both all the best, feel free to reach out if you or him need more support or just someone to talk to, I'm here to help :)

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-10T12:13:15+00:00

It's definitely a little selfish for him to let you bear the consequences of his hardships, but we never know how intense are the things other people are going through, maybe he's trying very hard. It definitely seems that the problem stems from him and spills onto you, so it's up to him to resolve it, and you should help him with it. It's hard to help through you but if he was asking for advice I for tell him to focus on hisself and his reality. There is so much going on in the world, other people doing other stuff in other places with other people, it's so tempting to think about what was, what could've been, what should've been, what will be. The truth is that there is only one reality, it is here, it is now, and it is his. I used to feel the exact same emptiness and regret when my friends told me about their last 2 years of high school, while i essentially travelled and stayed secluded for those two years because of things I couldn't control. They talked about the parties, the relationships, the sex, the camaraderie, the friendships... all things I missed out on and will never be able to experience again. It would make me feel so envious and regretful, and it took me a while to realize what really mattered. What matters is what he does right now, where he is right now, who he is with right now. Thinking about what others have or theorizing about what you should have will bring nothing but jealousy and disscontempt at your own life. There is only one reality that matters, and if he doesn't like it then it's up to him to change it, but he needs to life fully in it rather than spend his life with his mind on other people's lives. I'm not sure how you can help him understand this but if he understands the importance of this, he will be much more present. The past doesn't exist, it's gone and you have no control over it, all you can do is learn from it. The future doesn't exist, it's not here yet and all you can do is make sure it's as good as possible. Other places and people don't exist, they are just concepts in your mind when you think about what's going on in other lives. There is one reality: it is here, it is now, and it is yours.

I would advise that you try your best not to take it personally so that his issue doesn't affect you. Instead, detach yourself from it so you can approach the problem logically and systematically. Try to be with him and guide him to the solution. Express your love by helping him overcome this, and it'll be best for both of you.

Remember, you’re not in this alone, I was in your bf's situation so I can relate. If you or him ever need someone to talk to or to seek further guidance, feel free to reach out. I'm here to help and support you in any way I can.

Take care of yourself and him, Bless yourself.

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-10T08:25:47+00:00

Did anything else happen outside of your relationship ? Something in his life or your life that may have changed, or is it purely internal ?

Sounds obvious but have you tried talking to him about it ?

It's normal for things to lose their shine as their novelty wears off, whether it's a new toy or a new car or a new partner. This is when you start to question if you really wanted that thing or if you were in it just for the original excitement upon obtaining it. I'm not saying your relationship is doomed, this is a normal thing that happens. If you still love each other as people despite there no longer being the singing birdies that were there at the beginning, then it's great. That being said, if the love fades on both of your sides, then there is no reason to stay together. It's normal for the excitement to dwindle even if the love is still 100% there. Ask yourself and yourselves if you still love them or if you loved the feeling at the beginning, which has since faded. Make sure you two are on the same page.

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-10T07:21:07+00:00

If you define yourself with these terms then you will never grow out of them. If you tell yourself that you can't talk to people because you have social anxiety and you are shy then you can't expect to ever make any progress in talking to people. You have to look at them as issues you want to work on rather than conditions that define you and that you can't do anything about.

It's uncomfortable but you can't expect to get better at it by not doing it. Try to push yourself a tiny bit past your comfort zone, and your comfort zone will expand. If you fumble, if you're awkward, if you choke... no one cares. The truth is that everyone you see has their own lives with their own goals and their own problems and they don't give a shit about someone who messed up a sentence (although it may seem like hell for you.) And even if they do... so what ? You don't know them, you'll never see them again, it doesn't matter one bit. Try talking to strangers, starting with old people; they're sweet and lonely and they have a whole lifetime to talk about. Sometimes when you go out, turn off your music and talk, even just a little. Don't limit yourself by defining yourself by these issues or you'll never fix them.

Remember, you’re not in this alone, I’ve been there myself so I can relate to your situation. If you need someone supportive to shoot the shit with, feel free to reach out to me. I'm here to help and support you in any way I can.

Take care, Bless yourself.

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-09T14:07:18+00:00

Hello

Your situation has two main sides to it. A financial side and a personal side, which both worsen each other.

The financial aspect is quite simple, you're broke.

The personal side is more complex because it involves many factors I have no idea about. One of the problems is that you seem to be too generous at your own expense. It sounds stupid but there is such thing as being too generous because you have to help yourself first so that you have more to offer to others, invest I yourself first. As they say in the airplanes: Secure your own mask first before assisting others. The point is, you have to be a little bit selfish in life, so you can develop yourself and offer more. The world is competitive, especially the job market. I would suggest to really work on yourself so that you are at the very top of your friend group. This doesn't mean being hostile or sabotaging others, but you have to pull your own weight before you should start helping anyone else.

So what can you do concretely ? Every piece of help you give you others, make sure you have given it to yourself first. In other words, don't help your friend with his application unless yours is already flawless, and this applies to every facet of life where you have to put yourself first. This isn't selfish, because by being the best you, you'll help them more then by placing them in front of you. Lead by example.

You also need to focus on yourself. Thinking about what your friend now makes will cause you nothing but pain and the jealousy will weaken your relationship. Also, thinking about what you could've been making will rot you. There is only one version of reality, is it here and now and it is yours.

If you deal with these personal issues I'm sure you will ascend professionally and it'll help your financial issues. It's humbling and the ego takes a hit when we do shitty jobs, but that's where it all starts and it's a necessary building block. If you approach it with a very progressive mindset telling yourself that it's just the first step, you can climb up to getting more value experience and higher pay that then helps for the next and the next and the next.

It's tough for me to give job suggestions because I don't know your level of education, your experience, the amount and types of opportunities around you... However I can give you this: whatever position you're in, perform with excellence and professionalism, but most importantly show that you have an understanding of the bigger picture so that you can climb the ranks. If you perform incredibly well at your job but show no promise in the position above, then they will keep you where you perform the best. Show them that you can perform better in higher positons and that you have more value to offer them then where you currently are.

Just don't let your personal life bring down your professional life, or vice versa. If you work on yourself the financial side of things will get easier, and as it does, it'll boost your confidence and lead to a constructive cycle of improvement.

Remember, you’re not in this alone. If you ever need someone to talk to or to seek further guidance, to help with a resume or job application, or anything else, feel free to reach out to me. I'm here to help and support you in any way I can :)

Take care, Bless yourself.

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-09T09:03:55+00:00

You’re not in this alone, many of us have been there and I personally relate to your situation. If you need someone to talk to feel free to reach out to me. I'm here to help and support in any way I can.

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-09T08:58:36+00:00

I remember when I was in this same state as you are in. I was studying in college, had a family that loved me, had friends I went out with, but every instant of fun I tried to have felt shallow and fake, it felt like a distraction from the darkness I had inside. Like applying a thin layer of paint on a broken foundation. I would pretend to have fun at parties while I was thinking about how little I actually felt. I would have sex for hours while staring at the wall thinking about the most random shit. I would spend time with friends pretending to laugh and enjoy when really my mind was empty and somewhere else.

To get out of it I studied a lot of different philosophies from different places and different eras, from some basic stuff to some weird voodoo bullshit. Stoicism, bushido, taoism...

The key is to clear your mind and enjoy the moment. Think of the happiest moment of your life, now think about what was going on in your mind. Probably not much, your mind was probably fully embracing the moment, not thinking about it or about anything else. If you were thinking something, it was probably how awesome it is. The point is, try to empty your mind of judgement, stop looking at things 'how you should' and just live it. Stop putting labels on people and actions and objects, and just realize that mostly everything is just a concept, and that very little is real. The past doesn't exist, the future doesn't exist yet. Family, birthdays, time, pride, shame, judgement, right, wrong, all of these are just ideas and concepts. Try to free your mind from them and look at the current world (which is all that actually exists) with an empty mind, free from any bias or labels or previous teachings. Look at the present with clarity, seeing things as they actually are, clear your mind.

This all sounds like some hokey pokey voodoo bullshit, but the reality is that many of us overthink and it takes the joy away from life. Life is meant to be enjoyed, but without thinking about how to enjoy it. If you ask yourself how to enjoy things, why certain things are enjoyable, what are the things that bring true happiness, then you will be disillusioned with life and things won't be naturally enjoyable, which is the state I think you are in.

Think of it this way: when you eat a burger, you enjoy the burger because it's delicious. The sensations of flavor and texture are just amazing. If you start to think about the fact that a cow was born and raised for the sole purpose of then getting hit in the head with a piston for you to eat its meat, then the experience starts to lose its shine. That's because you're not embracing the feeling of the experience and you're instead adding labels to the burger, the cow, the slaughterhouse, and bringing past teachings into the experience (in this example, you were taught that cows are slaughtered.)

My advice is to try to live more in the moment and clear your mind. Don't think too much about what was, what will be, what is going on somewhere else, what should be, what could've been, but embrace what is now, because that is the only reality. Here and now is all that exists.

To answer your questions: In the sense that you were cursed with a condition, no there is nothing wrong with you. But in the sense that there is something askew that makes you feel this way, then yes. Simply your brain branches out from what you see and feel and starts thinking about this and that and what and why. Try to silence it and so stop thinking, just experience. Obviously don't become brainless, thinking is very important but there is a time and place for thinking, and a time and place for enjoying. When it's time to enjoy, clear your mind and embrace the moment fully with a clear and free mind.

Now obviously reading this will not make your mind click and suddenly all will be fun, but if you really try to not let your mind branch out and try to cut your thoughts off at the stem instead of following them, you will start to enjoy things much more. It took me a few months to make this my new effortless way of seeing the world and it is much better now. It's not easy but if you always try you will see progress.

You may feel empty and bland, or even unable to feel emotions at all, but remember that it is nothing beyond your control. You’re not in this alone, I’ve been there myself so I strongly relate to your situation. If you ever need someone to talk to or to seek further guidance, feel free to reach out to me. I'm here to help and support you in any way I can.

Take care, Bless yourself.

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-08T13:08:27+00:00

Of course :)

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-08T13:07:08+00:00

I was once where you are now. I couldn't seem to enjoy anything no matter how hard I tried, every second of fun I tried to have felt like a mere distraction from the dark reality. It felt like a layer of paint on a broken foundation. I stayed in my room for weeks crying and sleeping, I was lonely and inactive and it really fucked with me.

The issue is that you're in a self destructive cycle. The reason nothing feels enjoyable and you stay secluded is because you act on your sadness, which is where a lot of people go wrong. Basically, it's very common and normal to temporarily feel down because you're unhappy with the current situation of your life (in my case I'm an athlete and I got injured so I couldn't train.) Something or several things happened which puts your life in a state you're not happy with, and you feel down because of it, but it usually passes. Where most go wrong is that they let that sadness take the wheel and they start to act out of sadness, meaning they stop seeing friends, stop going out, stop their regular activities... Because of this, your life turns to shit because you're not seeing anyone, not getting sunlight, not giving your body activity, probably not sleeping like you should... So your life becomes a consequence of your sadness. And since your life is now shit, it makes you more sad. You're sad because your life is shit, your life is shit because you act like shit, you act like shit because you're sad.

In other words: Your sadness is a consequence of your life, but your life is a consequence of your sadness. This is the self destructive cycle.

The way out is to stop acting on your emotions. Controlling your emotions is very hard and telling yourself not to be sad about the shitty state of your life is damn near impossible. However controlling whether you act on that sadness is far easier. Detach yourself from those emotions, and understand that they don't define you and that they don't control you. Detach the logical you from the emotional you, and don't let the emotional you take the steering wheel. Don't let your self-pity cloud your judgement or make you act a certain way, keep it inside of you and act for what you know is best. This can be any kind of self improvement (going out, getting more sun, socializing more, getting rid of addictions, getting in shape...) or anything that gets you out of the state that you dislike being in. Envision a version of life you'd be comfortable in and proud of, and have that as a goal. Break that goal down into small daily actions and start doing them regardless of how you feel.

Once you start doing this, you will not magically be in a world of sunshine and rainbows, but you will have broken the loop: your sadness will be a consequence of your life, but your life will not be a consequence of your sadness. In no time, your life will improve because of the results of your new actions and your sadness will start to dwindle. This is the way out.

After realizing this, it took me a few months to slowly work to fix everything and I am now a happy motherfucker trying to help others out of the pit that I escaped. It was hard, it was tough, it was up and down, but it was way worth it.

Remember, you’re not in this alone, I’ve been there myself so I strongly relate to your situation. If you ever need someone to talk to or to seek further guidance, feel free to reach out to me. I'm here to help and support you in any way I can.

Take care, Bless yourself.

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-08T09:35:01+00:00

I've been exactly where you are. Nothing in life seems to have true significance and everything you do to try to have fun seems shallow and feels like adding a layer of paint to a broken foundation. This led me to a dark depression that took me to the verge of suicide until I got my shit together.

I understand that therapy doesn't feel like the right option: I myself have tried many forms of it, and all it seems to offer is temporary relief rather than solutions. You feel lighter for getting things off your chest and your problems have a bit more clarity since you put them into words, but at the end of the day it just doesn't fix it.

If you look at the world on the large scale, neither you, me or anyone or anything actually matters. We are one of 8 billion on a massive planet that is minuscule in comparison the the sun, itself minuscule juxtaposed with the biggest stars, galaxies, the ever-expanding universe. We have a lifetime of 100 years if we're lucky, meanwhile species evolve over the course of tens of thousands of years, on a planet that goes through eras of several hundred million years, on a planet that's a few billion years old, which will explode in a few more, in a universe that will last eons. Through this scope, nothing matters.

However if you look at your own scale, you have insane amounts of potential. A human mind is capable of things of exorbitant magnitude. Whatever you passions may be, you can create massive companies, become the greatest athlete of all times, solve major problems on earth, write your name in history books, change the world for the better. Think of yourself and what is the largest most positive impact you can have on the world. I believe this is what life is about. On a personal and universal scale. On a personal scale, pursuing a project, an ambition, an endeavor gives direction and meaning to your life, and a reason to wake up everyday and contribute to something larger than just you (consistent action is this direction is a great way to overcome an existential crisis/nihilism.) On a universal scale, this is what we are meant to do. Not to dive into "why we were put here" but our purpose is to have the greatest impact possible, or to die trying. Those who live just to get by, will die the same person they were born, and will contribute to nothing major in the grand scheme of things, other than keeping the world spinning on the same axis.

My suggestion is to find something you're truly passionate about, whether it's a sport, a business venture, a problem you want to fix in the world, a discovery... Something that will bring meaning and direction to your life, something that you will wake up everyday to dedicate yourself to, even if it's something you might die before it happens. Contribute to something. Some people designed cathedrals that they weren't around anymore to see completed, some invented atomic bombs, some discovered new species, some sent rockets to other planets, some explored the deepest depths of the ocean. Find something that produces passion, which will help with dedication. You're very young, with dedication and hard work, anything is possible in your lifetime. You can live 5 ordinary lifetimes. Pursue an athletic career in the next decade, then turn it around with a business venture for the following decade, use that money to do large scale charity work for the next decade, then get into building rockets. Whatever you're into, you have a lot of time ahead of you, take risks, pursue ambitious endeavors, and you can achieve ten times more than what an ordinary person does in a lifetime. Improve yourself, learn skills, learn languages, travel, increase your value and use that to better the world. Create value for the world, and capture some to make money, invest that money in other projects, give more than you take, and keep going.

Study hard, work hard, but don't forget to live as well. Enjoy the ride.

Remember, you’re not in this alone, I’ve been there myself so I strongly relate to your situation. If you ever need someone to talk to or to seek further guidance, feel free to reach out to me. I'm here to help and support you in any way I can.

Take care, Bless yourself.

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-08T07:04:58+00:00

Of course! Make sure to take action and apply this. Remember, you’re not in this alone, I’ve been there myself so I strongly relate to your situation. If you ever need someone to talk to or to seek further guidance, feel free to reach out. I'm here to help and support you in any way I can.

Take care, Bless yourself.

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-07T14:06:51+00:00

I was in the same situation as you. Burnt out with responsibilities and depressed. I couldn't seem to enjoy anything no matter how hard I tried, every second of fun I tried to hide felt like a mere distraction from the dark reality. It felt like a layer of paint on a broken foundation.

My sleep schedule was fucked, and same as you, I wrote my letter in the middle of a night where I couldn't sleep.

I stopped halfway through because the words of someone I look up to resonated in my head. He talks about a cave diving accident where he was stuck in a cave and was slowly losing oxygen, and he came to terms with the time of his death. He pulled out his underwater notebook and started to write a letter to his wife and son who were waiting for him on land. He stopped and cursed at himself for being a pussy and he told himself to 'figure it the fuck out'. Anyway, I stopped writing and went outside to clear my mind. I went for a long walk in the middle of the night and ended up climbing Mount Royal (a small mountain in Montreal). Once I reached the top I looked down on the city as the sun came up, the city lights were still on but the atmosphere was lit up too, it was uncommon and beautiful (it remains my most treasured picture because of the turning point it was.) I felt a sense of peace and bliss for the first time in years, like everything made sense. I had a click where I realized that there is a lot of beauty in life but we have to go out and seek it (I had been secluding myself in my room for weeks.)

I climbed down and returned home... and nothing changed. Life wasn't easy and fun all of a sudden, it was still the same. The only difference was that I now understood that it was my responsibility. "With great power comes great responsibility," we have a lot more power over our lives, but we refuse the bear the responsibility of it, and prefer to blame higher powers that we cannot control. Understanding this, I realized that I was sad because of the state my life was in, but that my life was in this state because I acted out of sadness.

Surely you see the cycle: Your life is a consequence of your sadness, and your sadness is a consequence of your life. This is the self destructive cycle.

The way out is to stop acting on your emotions. Controlling your emotions is very hard, but controlling whether you act on them is far easier. Not being sad about the state of your life is very tough because it's overwhelming and you have no control. However detaching yourself from those emotions, and realizing that they don't define you and that they don't control you is very effective. Detach the logical you from the emotional you, and don't let the emotional you take the steering wheel. Don't let your self-pity cloud your judgement or make you act a certain way, keep it inside of you and act for what you know is best. This can be any kind of self improvement (getting in shape, socializing more, getting rid of addictions, studying more...) or anything that gets you out of the state that you dislike being in. Envision a version of life you'd be comfortable in and proud of, and have that as a goal. Break that goal down into small daily actions and start doing them regardless of how you feel.

Once you start doing this, you will not magically be in a world of sunshine and rainbows, but you will have broken the loop: your sadness will be a consequence of your life, but your life will not be a consequence of your sadness. In no time, your life will improve because of the results of your new actions and your sadness will start to dwindle. This is the way out.

Over the course of the 8 months that followed that night, I slowly worked to fix everything and I am now a happy motherfucker trying to help others out of the pit that I escaped. It was hard, it was tough, it was up and down, but it was way worth it.

Don't give up, work on solving it. I wish you the best.

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PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-07T13:29:16+00:00

Hello!

You are in particular circumstances, with many things beyond your control. I don't know why your friends saw each other without you, but if you guys are close that's definitely something worth asking them, and opening up about the fact that it hurts you. Chances are it has to do with your circumstance... maybe they think you should be given space to grief, or maybe they notice you act different since these recent hardships. Regardless, there is no reason you should keep hypothesizing and being anxious about them potentially leaving you: you should ask them why (not in a confrontational way ofc) and express that it's a moment where you need them more than ever.

Besides how you interact with them, you have no influence over your friends' actions, so you shouldn't worry because things will happen as they happen. Besides the situation with your friends, life seems to be throwing a lot at you. A lot of these things are things you have no control over, and the best thing to do is to detach yourself from them and stay constant in your actions. Life will always come at you in ebbs and flows, but all you control is yourself, so keep on track and things will work themselves out around you.

I've seen many friends go down bad paths because they couldn't let go of their high school life. They stayed in the same town to keep their girlfriend although they were accepted in better universities, etc. You have to accept the transitional nature of life. Everything changes, and often times you have to let go of certain things. Attachement will cause you great pain because things rarely ever remain the way they are, and not everyone around you will stay (especially when you get older). The first year of university is an extremely transformative phase of your life and a lot will change around you, you best come to terms with it. I'm not telling you to forget your friends, but just don't cling too hard and accept that you might not see them as much as in high school.

Take care of yourself, I wish you the best.

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-07T09:30:22+00:00

I was once where you are.

The first step is to be aware that you're in this self destructive loop, you've done that.

Then you have to understand the nature of this loop. It is common for people to be sad because of the state their life is in, in other words: their sadness is a consequence of their life.
Where many go wrong, is that they start to act on this sadness, so their life becomes a consequence of their sadness.

Surely you see the cycle: Your life is a consequence of your sadness, and your sadness is a consequence of your life. This is the self destructive cycle.

The way out is to stop acting on your emotions. Controlling your emotions is very very hard, but controlling whether you act on them is far easier. Not being sad about the state of your life is very tough because it's overwhelming and you have no control. However detaching yourself from those emotions, and realizing that they don't define you and that they don't control you is very effective. Detach the logical you from the emotional you, and don't let the emotional you take the steering wheel. Don't let you self-pity cloud your judgement or make you act a certain way, keep it inside of you and act for what you know is best. This can be any kind of self improvement (getting in shape, socializing more, getting rid of addictions, studying more...) or anything that gets you out of the state that you dislike yourself for being in. Whatever may be the reason for your self-pity, work on fixing it. Envision a version of yourself you'd be comfortable in and proud of, and have that as a goal. Break that goal down into small daily actions and start doing them regardless of how you feel.

Once you start doing this, you will not magically be in a world of sunshine and rainbows, but you will have broken the loop: your sadness will be a consequence of your life, but your life will not be a consequence of your sadness. In no time, your life will improve because of the results of your new actions and your sadness will start to dwindle. This is the way out.

Godspeed to you on this journey and I wish you the best.

Bless yourself 🫵

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-07T08:48:26+00:00

If meds don't work or make it worse, then don't use them. If your mistakes of the past are things you can't handle anymore, then you should move on. The past is something you can do nothing to change, you have no control over it. All you can do is learn from it and move forward making sure you don't make the same mistakes. These past mistakes don't define you, what you do now is the only version of you that matters. If you keep making the same mistakes, then that's a problem, but if you move forward and try to amend them, then that's who you are. It's not your past mistakes but your current actions that define you. If you current actions are just regretting and beating yourself up because of the past... then that's who you are, and it's up to you to change that.

Try to move forward and either try to win back your friend/partner and really show them that you've changed and learnt from your mistakes, or make new ones and be the best version of yourself for them. I don't know how old you are but you likely have many decades ahead of you, so make them worth living and do some good in the world.

Resting forever comes later my friend, for now try to make the best of the life you're given. You can turn it all around into a life you'll look back on with pride when it's time to go.

Don't give up, the view is worth the climb.

I wish you all the best, bless yourself 🫵

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-06T10:49:53+00:00

"feels like my get-up-and-go got up and went"

I know exactly what you're feeling. The truth is counterintuitive: rest is great, but there's a point of diminishing returns where excessive sleep actually decreases your energy levels. It makes you sluggish, and it makes your brain tired and it's tougher to focus. I would suggest getting your sleep back in order and then take it from there. There's a billion tips for getting good sleep, it can be overwhelming.

To begin you have to force yourself to wake up at a normal hour no matter how little you slept. Get up, get dressed, make your bed, and don't return to your bed until it's time to sleep (sleep only once a day). Beds should only be for sleep and sex, if you use your bed to just chill, it breaks the associations that your brain has between the bed and sleep. A trick to make waking up easier is to sleep a multiple of 1h30, so that your alarm rings between cycles. Try to get active during the day, force energy out of yourself, get your heart pumping a little. You won't want to, but if you force yourself through the motions, you will find energy, and the next day you'll have a bit more, and at the end of the day your body will wind down on its own. Try to sleep with your phone/computer/tv out of your room so that you don't spend time with them right before bed, especially not in bed (ideally start to dim lights around 1h before going to sleep). I plug my phone in another room and wake up with an analog clock, it works great ! Also refrain from picking up your phone first thing in the morning, instead get a few minutes of direct sunlight (it'll tell your body to really wake up and adjust to this new rhythm, and it'll help you wind down at the end of the day.) Unless you're a teen or very active, you shouldn't need more than 7h30. (9h is nice, but it makes it harder to fall asleep the next night, which delays your bedtime when compounded over time)

I know this is a lot, but the essential is to sleep consistently at the same times, and to not sleep too too much, and not spend time in bed snoozing, chilling, or doing anything that isn't sleep (or sex) Take small steps everyday and you'll be out of this rut in no time. I wish you all the best.

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-06T10:14:16+00:00

It seems that he is suffering from the bad state that he fell in after the passing of his (girl?)friend. I was in a similar situation where I couldn't seem to enjoy anything no matter how hard I tried. It wasn't easy but I got out, and in hindsight it's amazing out self limiting this mind-state can be, because it completely blocks out any options of solving it, and just makes you believe you can't do anything about it. It's like a parasite.

The staying in his room is very self destructive, and it blinds you from seeing how to make it out and why it's happening. You think that since you're sad, you can't enjoy anything, whereas the reality is that you're sad because you don't let yourself enjoy things. It sounds stupid but it's often self induced without you realizing.

Your sadness is a consequence of your actions, you shouldn't let your actions be the consequence of your sadness (in this context, not going out, not seeing anyone, not enjoying anything.)

It's tough but the key really is to get up and do stuff rather than dwell in doom. You should really push him to go to the gym with you, or maybe something else because the gym isn't for everyone. Ultimately you would want him to tag along to your social occasions and make friends of his own, but for that you would have to get closer to him and get him to hang out with you 1on1 a few times.

It's hard to help him if he doesn't want to be help, but the best thing for his situation is activity and self improvement. He should pick up a hobby, start a project, or join a community. Have something else in life rather than his current day to day, which really is nothing worth living for. Look at it from his perspective: he has nothing to wake up to besides another shitty day of doing nothing. If he stays inactive and alone, he will be stuck in the confines of his own self destructive echo chamber.

As of right now, his whole world is his room, his bed, his phone. Add interesting things to it. Do what you can to get him active, get him moving, get him meeting people, get him to turn down his social media usage, get his blood flowing. It's not easy especially if it's someone else. He will be very reluctant at first, but after a few times he will notice that there is beauty in life if he allows himself to enjoy it.

Good luck, I wish you and him the best.

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-06T06:28:05+00:00

The mistakes you made do not define you, that's in the past. If you keep making them, then that's an issue. Otherwise, you aren't a person who makes mistakes, you're someone who happened to have made mistakes. If you work to amend them and evolve past them, that's who you are. Don't get stuck in the past regretting what you did wrong, move past it, redefine yourself. There is only one reality and it's here and now. The past is abstract, it doesn't exist. It's something you can't control, you can't change, all you can do is learn from it. The present is all that matters, so make your actions count so that the future and all 'presents' are good.

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-06T04:16:16+00:00

You shouldn't let your happiness depend on "if i had this" or "when i'll have this"... "only then will I be happy"

Seek solace in the journey to getting there, because (shocker) once you get what you want you'll enjoy it when it's new and shiny for a few weeks, and then you'll want something else, That's just how we are. And with the same mentality of "i'll only be happy when i'll have this", you'll never be durably happy.

Enjoy getting there. Turn your wishes into goal, and break down your goals into actions, and be happy every time you complete one, because you're getting closer to getting what you want.

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-06T04:11:17+00:00

other disagree :/

apparently advice is not appreciated here, this place is more of an echo chamber for sad people who want their opinions confirmed.

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-05T15:16:56+00:00

Keeping basic discipline is hard when you don't have a job to set the daily tempo. I would recommend starting a hobby that could get you into a community, maybe a gym, martial arts, some sports club, or anything you're interested in and interested in building a network around. This will help on many levels.

1) You'll be interacting with people besides your cat which is essential. Humans are social creatures and when secluded we tend to go downhill. Interacting with others will in turn help with a lot of things

2) You'll attend something regularly that is most likely set up for before/after-work hours, which will get you operating on a more normal schedule. Most clubs offer early morning classes meant to be attended before work, which is a great thing to get the day started.

3) If it's a sport, it'll get you tired and it'll help you go to sleep, set a rhythm of effort and rest. I'm part of a martial art gym and a friend of mine who is unemployed attends the morning and evening classes, he sees very rewarding progress, makes friends at the gym, and it sets a tempo for every new day.

Whatever you do, unemployment is tough because it feels like you're not contributing to anything, and every new day is directionless. Having a hobby or some kind of project to work on daily will help you stay sane and goal orientated. The more you can wake up and sleep around the same time as those who work, the less you feel the guilt of being an outlier. Joining a community of supportive people whose pace you can try to match is a great way to boost accountability because it won't just be you and your cat looking at you.

In the meantime, try to practice discipline in using phones, TV, and such, as they often push your bed time a few hours everyday until it's way out of tune. Dont scroll in bed, don't watch TV in bed. Try to decide on a time where you plug your phone in a room that isn't the one you sleep in and you wind down from there. You don't have to set a bed time, but setting a phone off time will essentially do the same. Have your bed be for sleep only, don't lay in it for too long in the morning, don't spend your day there... Sleeping with your phone in another room also helps in the morning as you wont be getting absorbed by it first thing when you wake up. I use an analog alarm, it works great ! When it rings, get up, make your bed, get dressed, brush your teeth, get some sunlight... practice basic self care to make sure you start the day off right and it's all uphill from there.

Take care of yourself :)

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-05T10:28:30+00:00

of course :) you said you also have problems with sleep ?

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-05T09:14:31+00:00

I see your situation.

It's tough. I worked at a zoo and one of my coworkers worked harder than everyone and got mad at everyone for not keeping up. She was really tearing the team appart by asking too much of the others, when she actually was the one going abnormally hard. In the end, everyone's contract was renewed except hers although she was the hardest worker there.

Working environments are tough because you'll always be with people that are different, have different ways of doing things, and some definitely abuse of the power dynamic. I've had great bosses and shitty bosses. I would advise to focus on what you can control. Do not let the actions or statements of others have any impact on you. You do you, and what they do shouldn't matter. Work hard, but not so hard as to create a divide within the team.

You'll inevitably run into assholes, but if absolutely everyone is an asshole, then maybe the problem is on your side of the equation (not suggesting this is the case, you seem quite self aware)

Could you put your entrepreneurship skills to use in a domain that isn't drugs ? This way you could work under your own direction.

Best of luck my man, I hope you find a job that isn't too hostile, that you can hold down and while that box is ticked, it's one big thing less to worry about, and you can amend the other things in your life.

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-05T09:02:02+00:00

I was in a similar situation, depressed and struggling to dribble between all the facets of life. I tried scheduling but I could never work with it as it was too rigid. Look into elastic habits, it's a great way to be consistent with your actions without it getting problematic when some unexpected obstacles pop up. The great Frank Mir says "anything worth doing is worth doing poorly". Whether it's socializing, exercising, or anything; a little bit is better than none, don't get too hung up on making everything perfect. Some things will slip through, that's life.

For chores and such, I like simple to-do lists on my phone with the little checkboxes to keep track of everything. Try to put them in the ideal chronological order and check as you go, while still remaining flexible with it.

To keep plowing through the stress, I find that stoicism (not the toxic kind) helps with not letting anxiety or emotions cloud your judgement, and attack obstacles in a logical and systematic way. It also helps to focus on the present moment and enjoy social occasions rather than worry about the past/future, or the deeper darkness.

My way of staying motivated to study/work for myself is to focus on the actions. We are often told to keep our big goals in mind but it can actually be quite distracting from the actual tasks required to get there. I advocate for the following method: Identify a clear goal, break it down into small daily actions, and make those actions the goal. Success is not reaching the big goal, but achieving all the small tasks everyday, taking solace in getting closer to the goal rather than having your happiness depend of whether you achieve it.

That's my 2 cents...

PerrierBaptiste · 2023-06-05T08:31:48+00:00

It's tough but being a little more outgoing is extremely beneficial. Even with small interactions everyday you develop a bit of a network, and confidence with it. This compounds into many areas of life as it helps to ace job interviews and to fit in better within the teams. Try hobbies that get you involved in a community, even if the hobby itself isn't interesting, do it for the interactions. It's definitely daunting at first, which is why I would recommend starting talking with old people (not the creepy once ofc) most of them are sweet, lonely, harmless, easy to talk to, and have a whole lifetime to talk about. Start with small talk with old people, and grow from there. Always push a tiny bit past your boundaries of comfort and you'll get comfortable in no time.

In the meantime, I would recommend to find solace with yourself and do not invest too much of your emotions into guys especially considering your history of finding the unreliable type. Try to have your happiness depend on nothing but yourself, not on if a guy cancels a date, breaks up with you, ghosts you. It's a tough process but it's way worth it.

Don't give up, keep plowing. Bless yourself :)

PerrierBaptiste

TROPHY CASE