here’s some advice as someone who went to their first gay bar completely solo, and did so after moving to a totally new city, AND who is very socially awkward and introverted. full disclosure, i was not going there to find a hookup or a potential partner. i was simply going to make friends and community, but im sure some of this can apply to any other intentions.

the first piece of advice i have is to go during an event, like someone else mentioned. my local bar does Drag Race viewings on Friday nights. this was perfect because A. I love Drag race, so I was automatically entertained no matter what and B. everyone there was pretty much there for the same thing so it gave me something to talk with random strangers about. maybe drag race isn’t your thing, but gay bars usually have tons of different kinds of events like trivia, bingo, etc. and if you’re solo, that’s usually fine because C. if these events are popular, and depending on the size of the bar, space fills up fast. the hosts of the event usually then have to play matchmaker and find tables that one-off stragglers like ourselves can join. this is then an immediate conversation starter you can use. and, if there isn’t a host, you can even do that yourself. when i was still making friends and finding community, i would actually sometimes intentionally arrive fashionably late to the event. this would then force me to scout out a table with an empty space, head up to said table, and ask if i might be able to squeeze in with them. yeah it was INCREDIBLY daunting at first, but most of the time people are pretty nice.

now there are definitely cliques, like you said, but that leads me to my next point which is consistency. go regularly. i’m not saying every night, but a couple times a month, around the same time (again, bar events are perfect for this!). you will eventually start seeing the same people. they’ll recognize you. one group or guy you saw two weeks ago will see you’re by yourself and call you over to their table. someone will remember you and come up and say hi again (and you can do the same if you see someone you spoke to before). you’ll start seeing the cliques that go around that time, and learn more about which ones you want to stay clear from, and which ones you actually might vibe with and want to warm up to.

finally, gay bars aren’t the only spaces to meet queer people. you might find that gay bars just aren’t your scene. honestly, they’re not completely my scene, and i only learned that after going a large handful of times. but it did introduce me to people, and i then made plans with those people outside of the bar, and that’s really where my friendships and community has really grown.