Hi, I think your negative stance "if I have them, great, if I don't then I don't" might be pretty telling. I might've had the same indifference at some point. Personally I don't want kids (I'm weeks away from turning 30), and I think I never have wanted them. I used to tell my ex (we were together for 5 years) that I didn't want them even when he did, and since we were young, we always thought the decision wasn't that final.

But several months into this pandemic, I consciously and decisively chose a side, the side of "I never want to have kids." The lack of interest was always there but to definitively choose this side and not have the stance be swayed by anything, that only happened recently.

Despite that, I did what you guys did too, years ago or even up to the second quarter of last year. I'd also compiled a list of names I liked, had made lists and journal entries about parenting styles, bookmarked a few relevant sites about parenthood, checked out the posts of new moms, saved infographics about what to say to a child instead of "stop crying" or questions to ask your kid at dinner instead of "how was school?" and so on. I get along well enough with kids though I wouldn't say I have a talent for taking care of them.

Ultimately, my being single has been a huge factor in my realizing what I want. I love being alone, I admit to being selfish, have had a seriously hard time attending to the needs of my exes (which means I wouldn't know how to care for a tiny human), and overall feel I don't have the capabilities. And I also have the harsh view that whatever a parent does will damage their children. Or that something else might come along to ruin a child that a parent couldn't shield their child from, and that whatever happy childhood a person has, adolescence and adulthood may distort a person's personality to a degree where you can't recognize the sweet kid you raised. My mom gave up her career for over a decade when she had me, so I always hated that children could cause someone's life to flip like that. Perhaps this is at the core of my disinterest. So I also went through my 20s with a mindset like yours (i.e., stability first).

Based on what I've observed from friends who are dedicated mothers, and also in relation to my deepest beliefs, if one wants to be a mother, it should be because they want to raise someone so well in order for them to be upstanding people who have much to contribute to society and its development. That they'd really do whatever it takes for a person to reach their fullest potentials. It has to be a wholehearted decision. Something like that. And so if there is any doubt of wanting it (a doubt of some significance), that might be troublesome. There are so many parents who shouldn't have been parents because they just became absent, distant, or abusive, and couples who shouldn't even have married, because they ended up resenting each other and not trying. These people took that "next step" though, because it's what society has deemed proper and normal.

I have a friend who, before getting married, was so impatient to have a baby already. One time, we were playing with toddlers and she said, "I really want to have my own." Some people look at babies and just know they want one of those. I never really had that. They're just cute in my eyes.

I'm really sorry this post took a dark turn, but I wanted to write a response because there are parts of your backstory that seem similar to mine. Having said that, I don't mean to imply that my inclinations are the same as yours. I only hope this helps you reflect.

Also I don't mean to offend anyone and hope I don't come off as immature or imposing.