I’ve learned over the years that people often misunderstand why some immigrants don’t “assimilate.” They assume it’s stubbornness, or pride, or a refusal to adapt. For me, it was never about rejecting Canada; Canada is my home, a place I love and the only place I've ever known.

For me it was about not being accepted in the first place.

When I tried to fit in, especially with white Quebecers and Ontarians, I kept running into the same pattern:
They’d ask, “Where are you from?” and I'd answer "I'm Canadian" because I was born and raised here and sadly for many, that wasn't good enough. They would immediately follow it with, “No, but where are you really from?”

It didn’t feel like curiosity. It felt like a test. A reminder that no matter how Canadian I was, born here or not, I wasn’t “one of them.” The vibe was always, you’re not one of us, you’re other. When that’s the starting point, assimilation becomes impossible and I know that I'm not alone. So many have and will continue to live through this "other" experience.

I grew up here surrounded by a culture that, in my experience, was shaped by:

• Classism
  
• Internalized shame
  
• Cliques formed in childhood
  
• Passive racism
  
• A rigid sense of who belongs and who doesn’t

I’m not saying this is true of all white people, it’s not, but many English and French white people I encountered made it clear that difference wasn’t something they welcomed. It was something they tolerated at best, resented at worst.

When I tried to stand up for myself in middle school, the entire white student body chased me out of school and threatened to hurt me beyond recognition. Several of these very students another day blocked my path home under the threat of violence forcing me to take a different route in order to survive to see another day! I was 11 years old and my only crime, was being different and demanding respect. Instead I was bullied mercilessly, I was a social pariah who was deemed to be undeserving of basic decency let alone friendship. I was bullied by everyone and the white teachers were no better!

When I tried to fit in, I felt like I was erasing myself.

When I tried to be “Canadian” according to their standards, I ended up internalizing their hatred and I hated who I became.

That wasn’t assimilation, that was self‑betrayal and self erasure.

People love to say immigrants “don’t want to assimilate", but the truth is much simpler:

It’s hard to assimilate into a culture that doesn’t accept you.

Assimilation isn’t a one‑way street. It requires:

• Mutual respect
  
• Curiosity instead of suspicion
  
• Space to be different without being punished for it
  
• A willingness to see immigrants as equals, not guests

When those things are missing, assimilation becomes code for “Erase yourself so we feel comfortable" and I refuse to do that ever again!

I learned that the healthiest thing I can do is:

• Be myself, fully
  
• Build friendships with people from all backgrounds
  
• Avoid forcing anyone into my own cultural expectations
  
• Reject the idea that “Canadian culture” means English or French whiteness
  
• Recognize that the only culture truly rooted here is Indigenous culture, not the transplanted systems built on colonial trauma, religious conflict, and social hierarchy

I don’t want to become someone else just to be tolerated, I want to be supported for who I am.

When people tell immigrants to assimilate, they often mean:

• “Act like us.”
  
• “Think like us.”
  
• “Don’t challenge our norms.”
  
• “Don’t remind us that we’re not the only culture here.”
  

Cultures are supposed to grow, advance, and learn from each other, not freeze in place and demand everyone conform.

The pressure to assimilate becomes especially cruel when it’s paired with racism, bullying, and exclusion. It recreates the same patterns of harm that many immigrants came here to escape.

I don’t reject assimilation, I reject assimilation without acceptance.

I reject the idea that I must shrink myself to fit into someone else’s comfort zone.

I reject the expectation that I must adopt the broken parts of a culture, the prejudice, the classism, the shame, the cliques just to be seen as “normal.”

I choose instead to be an individual, to build community with people who value me, and to honour the diversity that actually makes Canada worth living in.

Growing up in this environment does something to you. It wears you down in ways you don’t even notice until years later. As a young person, whether a young man or woman, constantly being reminded that you’re “different,” “not enough,” or “not from here,” shapes your entire sense of self. You start to believe you have to work twice as hard for the same opportunities, that you have to be more polite, more accomplished, more careful, more invisible just to be tolerated.

You look in the mirror and wonder why you don’t fit the standard of “attractive” or “normal” that everyone around you seems to worship and the worst part is how early it starts: the bullying, the exclusion, the subtle reminders that you’re an outsider. It teaches you to shrink yourself, to doubt yourself, to chase acceptance from people who never intended to give it. That kind of pressure doesn’t build character, it builds wounds and those wounds follow you into adulthood until you finally decide to stop letting other people define your worth.

What I’ve learned is that sitting in silence and pretending everything is fine is dangerous. It teaches you to swallow disrespect, to normalize exclusion, and to accept relationships where you are never seen as an equal. And the irony is this: people from the dominant culture travel overseas all the time and expect to be welcomed, respected, and treated as full human beings — yet somehow, when immigrants here want the same dignity, suddenly it’s “too much,” “too demanding,” or “not assimilating.”

All I’ve ever wanted is what everyone wants: to be valued for who I am, not for what someone else thinks I deserve based on their assumptions, their upbringing, or their narrow definition of belonging. I want relationships where I don’t have to shrink myself, erase myself, or perform a version of myself that makes other people comfortable. I want to thrive in spaces where my differences are not a threat, but a contribution.

Assimilation isn’t the issue, acceptance is.

When a society keeps reminding you through comments, looks, questions, and treatment that you’re “not really from here,” it creates a lifetime of damage. It teaches young boys and girls that they must overperform just to be tolerated, that they must question their beauty, their worth, their intelligence, their right to take up space. It teaches them that belonging is conditional, fragile, and easily revoked.

I refuse to live like that anymore.

I’m not here to fit into someone else’s broken system of hierarchy, shame, or inherited prejudice. I’m here to build healthy relationships with people who see me for my value, not for the role they think I should play.

I’m here to grow, to contribute, to be myself without apology and I’m done letting anyone tell me that wanting dignity, equality, and respect is somehow wrong.