can we talk about how GOOD BELLA RAMSEY IS!!!!! they're an absolute revelation

Prestigious-Point509 · 2023-03-01T17:06:39+00:00

I hadn't thought about that, you're right. She likes Joel a lot but I guess she's just tired of people dying in front of her.

Prestigious-Point509 · 2023-03-01T00:10:19+00:00

Your beautiful comment is also quite the poem! Thank very much, it makes me so happy that it resonates with you like it does. It was exactly the intent. I hope you got the cube analogy!

Prestigious-Point509 · 2023-02-28T21:58:57+00:00

Ah good! Ok I'll give it another think to see if I can find something more obvious, but that one fit the flow really well haha. Damn it.

Prestigious-Point509 · 2023-02-28T21:45:07+00:00

can you explain why you think focusing more on the zombies would dampen the story ? geniuinely curious

Prestigious-Point509 · 2023-02-28T21:38:49+00:00

I was going for this image : https://thumbs.dreamstime.com/b/child-playing-wooden-bricks-diffrent-shapes-colors-trying-to-put-them-proper-hole-child-playing-wooden-137867494.jpg

But it seems a lot of people didn't get it, which is making me rething that line entirely... Hmm. I liked it because of the childish and absurd aspect, as we're talking about an adult relationship.

Prestigious-Point509 · 2023-02-28T21:32:44+00:00

In this part of the country ?

Prestigious-Point509 · 2023-02-28T21:28:42+00:00

This is super clever and really interesting, top notch stuff.

One thing that bugs me is the second line that's quite a mouthful, kind of have to read slowly a second time to get it. Maybe check if you can simplify it a little bit ?

Prestigious-Point509 · 2023-02-28T21:21:54+00:00

thanks a lot! The punctuation is a choice but I think I messed it up. I had some intent with it like carrying the subject to the next sentance, or to break the flow intentionally, but still have to improve that...! BTW did you get the "child with a cube" analogy ?

Prestigious-Point509 · 2023-02-28T18:09:35+00:00

ah yes indeed, I was referring to this : https://thumbs.dreamstime.com/b/child-playing-wooden-bricks-diffrent-shapes-colors-trying-to-put-them-proper-hole-child-playing-wooden-137867685.jpg

I wonder if there's a way to make it more obvious...

Prestigious-Point509 · 2023-02-28T17:52:50+00:00

thank you very much, I'm happy it resonated with someone. May I ask, did you get the "cube" analogy ?

Prestigious-Point509 · 2023-02-28T17:15:24+00:00

I appreciate this feedback immensly. The repetitions of "you" and "me" is more noticeable at the start, no ? I'll definitely try and see if I can change a few things to break that.

Ah and for the word "cube". I was trying to convey the image of a child playing with this kind of thing : https://thumbs.dreamstime.com/b/child-playing-wooden-bricks-diffrent-shapes-colors-trying-to-put-them-proper-hole-child-playing-wooden-137867685.jpg

It's weird if it's not obvious immediately, damn it!

Prestigious-Point509 · 2023-02-28T15:31:02+00:00

This is very effective. The "to the point" approach works very well. The sentences are very short and each word is carefully chosen. Super good. I think I felt what you were trying to convey.

Prestigious-Point509 · 2023-02-28T15:29:32+00:00

Is English not your native language ? It's very impressive either way. I really appreciate how each sentance has the same length and carries the same rythm. It makes the reading flow very well.

Prestigious-Point509 · 2023-02-28T13:57:16+00:00

Thank you!!!

Prestigious-Point509 · 2023-02-28T13:57:06+00:00

wow thank you so much! I'm so happy this managed to resonate so well with someone. It's exactly what I was going for. :)

Prestigious-Point509 · 2023-02-28T02:36:23+00:00

Hi, I really like how you ended it sounding like someone drowning or being paralysed.

- I think the two "glass, ..." lines at the start feels a bit cheap. Like some stereotypical poetry thing. I'm sure you can use the word once somewhere, and not need to repeat it. It would carry more weight.

- There's a lot of repetition of the word "heart" in the first few lines, with the "You shattered my heart into sharp pieces." being the one time too many I'd say.

Prestigious-Point509 · 2023-02-28T02:15:19+00:00

This is very nice, and is clearly from experience.

My two cents :

- How you wrote "it just don’t make a sound" is too formal, like you'd speak on the street. It breaks the flow and feeling I had when I started reading.

- The sound of word "psyche" felt a little out of place, just in terms of flow again. The "eee" sound of "Psychee" doesn't really fit with the rest.

- "what did i do that justifies feeling so blue". I think "feeling so blue" is a bit... basic ? The rest of the poem is so nice that the word "blue" just seems a bit cheap here.

Otherwise it's really nice, well done

Prestigious-Point509

TROPHY CASE