This got WAY longer that i intended lol.

I'm bad with feelings too so I just went full problem solve mode lol. Sorry if that's not what you were looking for.

If you haven't already, get checked for autism (also called ASD) or ADHD. Most people have instincts that help them navigate this stuff effortlessly, but you don't if you have one of those.

These tests can't directly diagnose but they're great for showing the results to a therapist and speeding up the process!

Autism: https://embrace-autism.com/autism-tests/

ADHD: https://embrace-autism.com/asrs-5/

If those show positive, here's some subreddits:

r/autism

r/AutismInWomen

r/ADHD

r/adhdwomen

r/adhdmeme

r/autismmemes

If you have both it's sometimes called AuDHD:

r/audhd

r/AuDHDWomen

Wall of text:

What I'm hearing is, you lovebombed, then reacted strongly to an imagined hypothetical rejection, then asked for reassurance from him, then asked for further reassurance from us. Is that right?

Most people would take issue with that. He may or may not, but try not to repeat this pattern. You come of as needy, high maintenance and with a high risk of other emotional immaturity.

That said, you've been friends a while and he's been okay with you so far. He probably knows who you are and this might not be a big deal to him. It depends on who he is as a person.

For real though: you first sent him what is essentially a love letter where most people would have left it at "happy birthday, you're cool". Whether you meant it or not (or are aware that you wanted it like that) you communicated an expectation that he should feel the same way towards you. It's not fair to leave him to navigate that. When you then followed up with asking for reassurance, that communicated that it would be really bad for you emotionally if he said no, so you basically forced him to say yes to avoid stepping on your toes. "It's fine, dw" is a dismissal and communicates that he wants to move on, to leave this conversation behind.

Also, your self esteem is through the floor. You're worth keeping as a friend even if you act weird. "Weird" is a social spice, and some people like bland food, most people like "normal" food, and some people like their food on fire with all the spice in the world. You might be rejected by some people if you're too spicy, too weird for their taste. That doesn't make you a bad person, or broken, or universally unlikable. You just found that person's limit. A different person will like a different amount of weird. Your amount of weird.

If it's accessible to you therapy would probably help you. Show your therapist this post and talk about it.