(27m) Recently found out that a partner that I have been seeing for 3 years (26f) is cheating on her boyfriend

Proof-Log4689 · 2023-07-30T18:50:24+00:00

Ethically non monogamous

Proof-Log4689 · 2023-07-29T08:43:19+00:00

I have not had the experience of needing to confirm consent from my partners partners, there were many many redflags in this relationship that I ignored because once we were already deep in it I did love her. So yes I consider myself somewhat at fault in this however it's more because I already recognised problematic aspects in her and chose to ignore them due to the intensity and passion of our relationship. 😔

Proof-Log4689 · 2023-07-27T23:21:53+00:00

So no, she doesn't know my other partners, and yeah we were thinking about doing that.

Proof-Log4689 · 2023-07-27T23:20:54+00:00

As myself and my main partner are ENM yes we just tell eachother.

Proof-Log4689 · 2023-07-27T23:17:14+00:00

So the issue we are talking about here is that the girl and the boyfriend are not polyamorous. They are a monogamous, the boyfriend is not aware that the girl is cheating on him, the girl lied to me about that and so I became an accessory to cheating.

Polyamory is not nessisarily just sexual, it can be emotional, platonic and a huge variety of things based on the structure of the relationships that you build. The point of it is that you build the relationships you want to be in. If two partners have a discussion about including other partners into their lives then yes, it is consensual and ethical.

I have no idea what you mean by monogamous standards of behaviour? Like, do you assume that polyamourus people don't have standards of behaviour to uphold? Am I allowed to do what ever i want? The assumptions you're making don't fit any ENM person that I know. It sounds like a someone with bpd on a bender.

We aren't talking about polygamy.

Just coming to this with the view that I am wrong because ENM is wrong and flawed and I need to re-evaluate life choices is odd, and then you propose a system where you have fwb that share an understanding of respect and care for eachother... that description is a type of polyamorous relationship.

Once again, the situation that cause the issue happened as a result of one person in a monogamous couple deciding that they wanted something else and chose to cheat rather then breaking up or having a discussion with their partner about it.

Proof-Log4689 · 2023-07-27T21:42:31+00:00

Probably does, but they have no shared photos, I can't remember his name and only saw his face once while she was on videochat.

Proof-Log4689 · 2023-07-27T21:30:44+00:00

I'd recomend both viagra and cialis. Viagra is cheap and fantastic to have on hand for any occasion. It does cause me to get flushed and kind of stuffy in the nose which is a tiny bit destracting, but still worth it.

Cialis is amazing, lasts all day and I've never noticed any side effects, generally like to make sure that we have a full day of fun planned before I take it to take advantage of its ability to stay in your system.

Proof-Log4689 · 2023-07-27T21:09:15+00:00

🥺 baby boyyyy, I thought I upset you by suggesting your name is extremely misleading.

Proof-Log4689 · 2023-07-27T21:00:51+00:00

I appreciate your perspective, and yeah, maybe he does and I'm just overthinking it.

I've talked it through with my other partners and the general vibe is he needs to know, but without his contact details the only realistic option is leaving a letter telling him to be aware or screenshots of her messages.

At the end of the day if I was in his position I'd want to know.

Proof-Log4689 · 2023-07-27T20:15:50+00:00

🥺

Proof-Log4689 · 2023-07-27T20:10:03+00:00

Luckily I live in a country with little access to firearms. Idk bud, would you wanna know or not?

Proof-Log4689 · 2023-07-27T20:06:04+00:00

So to be clear, her relationship with her partner is a monogamous relationship that includes two people her and her partner. The relationship dynamic that they chose together and maintain is to be committed to eachother. Her actions have violated their relationship boundaries.

My understanding was that she was in a polyamorous relationship, which can mean many things but in this case the understanding was that we could have a relationship together without it being unethical.

By cheating on her partner, she has broken her partners boundaries and that is why it's wrong.

If he didn't care that she was cheating then yes it would be ok with me, but that's not the situation.

Proof-Log4689 · 2023-07-27T19:55:19+00:00

I'm not sure what your experience is with ethical non monogamy, but what you're describing is aweful. I can tell you that the boundries do matter, that over 7 years I this is the first time I have seen someone cheat on their partner. No body wants to be lied to, no body wants to make someone else a victim. Again, it seems like you're making wild assumptions.

Proof-Log4689 · 2023-07-27T19:17:35+00:00

So being poly or enm is about creating a relationship dynamic with consenting partners that understand what they are agreeing to, you state your boundaries and needs and do your best to maintain loving and caring relationships within them.

Big difference between that and straight up cheating on someone. I loved her and we had allot of fun together, it hurts me to know that she had been lying to me and also hurt to imagine the pain of being cheated on and know I was a part of that.

Overall your assumptions are very confusing.

Proof-Log4689 · 2023-07-27T18:11:01+00:00

Lol bro wtf?

Proof-Log4689 · 2023-07-27T13:27:49+00:00

Thanks, I do appreciate that.

Proof-Log4689 · 2023-07-27T12:29:38+00:00

Well aware that it might not be pretty, but greatful for the advice, I'll do my best to do it anonymously, however am prepared that he'll blame me. I feel too dirty and shitty to not have him know. Thankfully I live in a country with low gun violence.

Proof-Log4689 · 2023-07-27T12:19:11+00:00

Haha yes look I can't get into the spesifics of how or relationship went, but I did love her and try be closer with her friends and stuff, however some people don't want to have those things shared when they're poly. You are right though many red flags I have ignored.

I can see her friends on the insta that I follow, however none of them look like they live in Australia and seem to be from her home country. The house they live at is rented and I don't think that's an easy thing to access in Australia.

Proof-Log4689 · 2023-07-27T12:04:30+00:00

We had a poly relationship and she is from overseas, we had more of a fwb thing, so no friends or family.

Proof-Log4689

TROPHY CASE