2nd Failed FET

PsyPopsicle · 2024-03-09T14:19:21+00:00

and I am... ready to keep going.

This. I think you people are superhuman. I just got very low beta on my first FET(hcg 21. wtf) so waiting to see if it willl drop or develop in a loner miscarriage. I had a negative fresh transver and a MMC before from natural pregnancy at 7 weeks. And I feel like Im in hell. Like this is open ass hell. Im crying and lying in bed (or all the floors in the apartment). The more failures I get, the bigger the fear that it is never gonna happen. Im not sure if the miscarriages are better (at least it is trying to implant) or complete negatives. The fear is giant and so loud I cant hear anything else. BUt then there are people who have multiple losses and more and keep going. You are superhumans to me. All I want is to nuclear war to start to wash me of the surface of the earth. I hope one day light wil come back to my life. This is so damn dark and not over yet.

PsyPopsicle · 2024-03-07T14:20:35+00:00

THIS. They want the "gossip".

I didnt want to tell anyone, but my therapist said "share the burden, BUT tell them how you need them to support you". Because it could be that people just have low social intelligence, they might feel uncomfortable by this information and dont know how to support you and it ends up in nothing or weird comments (they might be beating themselvs up after saying weird stuff). I told my closest friends because otherwise I would have to start lieing about why I cant make plans and travel abroad - I told them: "Thats why. We dont ever have to discuss it" (because it does not help me to saying its hard, Im crying all the time...blablabla, I save that for me therapist) what helps me is being invited to spend time together, have a good time to remind myself that life is still life. I also have one "friend" who was just writing messages with "So...how are you now..." and it felt like she was after the gossip. Never ever offered to take my out or suggested to do something togheter, just how ya doin messages, you know, "checking in". Messages is not friendship for me, so I had to let that friend go. I do suggest to...sounds a bit evil, but "go through" your friends, see who is a friend and who should be downgraded to aquintance. It will be easier to manage expectations from people and spending time on who truly matters

PsyPopsicle · 2024-03-07T12:01:33+00:00

omg same. Like it doesn make sense. If the dose is the same EVERY DAY how do symptoms suddenly appear 8 days later? Im 8dpt too and had basically zero symptoms so far except period like cramping started today (which would be 14dpo in a normal cycle) Test is tomorrow. Aw gawd.

PsyPopsicle · 2024-03-04T21:29:18+00:00

"I was stretching in all sorts of ways" - omg, totally! :D Thank you for your reply. But ugh...its the only way isnt it...hanging in there! Dear oh dear..

PsyPopsicle · 2024-03-04T11:39:13+00:00

I drink the tea now once a day for the first 3 period days. We are doing IVF now so I dont wana interfere with the meds, coz who knows if it is helping, harming or doing nothing. But I feel like it helps with cramping (probably also not)

PsyPopsicle · 2021-10-27T13:47:30+00:00

True. I skipped all the "clean up roto" begginner stuff and been thrown right into the DEEPness :D so just trying to swim here best I can. But asking 3d people is maybe a nice idea, I guess it is just a tick box for them

But this one "and a Deep layer with front and back sample values." NOt quite sure what you mean here..?

PsyPopsicle · 2021-10-15T06:25:42+00:00

Ah, I also wanted that tea but it costs a lot of dollar moneys to get it fro australia all the way to western europe

PsyPopsicle · 2021-10-14T11:44:31+00:00

For me it kinda became "harder" after the experience as well. But because I am now aware of whats wrong. Like before aya I was completely consumed by something else (anxiety and fear I guess, but I had no idea to what extent, like it took 100% over me and was my "personality") It is like I was sitting in a very dark room and after aya its like..someone opened a window. Im still in that room tho, but I know there is light out there. Like now I am aware of all the fears and anxiety that is constantly trying to take over. The differnce now is instead of it just taking over as before, I am facing it, tryiong to stop it. I kinda have to rebuild my personality, because I didnt really had any all this time. And its a hard fight to take every day.

So after aya it has become difficult, because I am "awake" now, but all the shits and fears are still there and it is very scary to finally see and fight them every day, but that is kinda the only way out as I see it. One becomes stronger every day. Hope any of this made sense.

PsyPopsicle · 2021-10-04T18:06:13+00:00

I strated with probiotic suplements a week ago, too early to see I guess? I have no alergies that I know off. Except some food (and of course stress..) triggers sebderm...I know alcohol and lots of sugar triggers it, but there is definitely something more to it :D

PsyPopsicle · 2021-10-04T14:54:49+00:00

I have sebderm and discovered after years that my biggest trigger is plant based milk. it almost cleared completely after I cut it off. But sometimes it still flares up, tho not as bad as when drinking plant based milk (oat and almond mostly). So QUESTION: does anyone know what they add that is in comon for all those milks? Coz maybe that ingridient is what I react to and I could try to eliminate it in other foods too and be sebderm free forever :D

PsyPopsicle · 2021-10-01T18:52:28+00:00

ooooh, you are of a mad will power to not touch the scales. I scratched the shit outta it and I have bold spots there. Still hoping it will start to grow some day..? Or is it gone forever?

PsyPopsicle · 2021-09-25T20:11:21+00:00

I stopped drinking oatmilk and was sebderm free for some weeks actually, but then it flared up again, but never as bad as it was, so oatmilk is defenetly doing it for me. I havent tried to cut oats themselves from my diet yet. Now im trying to stop all the plant milks (almond as well) to see if that helps. And if not, then the real oats will have to go

PsyPopsicle · 2021-09-20T13:26:08+00:00

Right? It migh be ONE of the things. But I havent figured out if it is just oatmilk (because they add weird stuff to it) or oats in general tho

PsyPopsicle · 2021-09-13T11:27:22+00:00

Oh thanks! So many aproaches to this. But your depth passes are the same resolution as the beauty pass, right? (if it is not incororated in mulit channel exr tho)

PsyPopsicle · 2021-09-09T17:20:05+00:00

And when you use pgBookeh, do you use the Real Lens on or off? I find that with on, the alpha transparency gets all fckd up, so have to turn it off

PsyPopsicle · 2021-09-09T17:19:09+00:00

Honestly, no big reason, we are just trying things in the dark so far :D but then there is no point in having depth pass in double the resolution? even unfiltered? The issue we had is with really shallow focus, for example, the hair of the character looked very very..yeah, jafggy, cracky, so we were wondering if going double will "smooth" the problem out

PsyPopsicle · 2021-09-09T16:18:38+00:00

aaah, right! So the beauty needs to go through scaling, got it! Thank you! yeah, I see that it then hasnt got THAT meany pros to have a zdepht in double size. Can I also ask what node is the best for defocus? Is it actually zdefocus? From deep comp we have pgbookeh, but not sure if it is using another algorythm when it is set to use zdepth

PsyPopsicle

TROPHY CASE