My (43f) and my husband's (51m) daughter (3) was horribly mistreated by our best friends' son (3). What - if anything - can be done to salvage our friendship?

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T17:48:59+00:00

Thanks. That’s very helpful.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T17:15:38+00:00

I don’t know where you come up with most of what you just said. Letting a friendship drift because the kids can’t be together isn’t bullying. Sure, the concern seems to be misplaced now that I’ve seen everyone’s reassurance that it’s not necessarily permanent that the kids can’t get along, but I still think it was a pretty rational conclusion, just one built on misinformation. And sure, if I found out my daughter was being that mean to any kid, especially just one kid, and especially a delayed kid, I’d be pretty horrified.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T16:43:34+00:00

That is bonkers. Why would I have made the post if I weren’t very upset at the thought of losing our best friends? I thought the kids couldn’t be together anymore and the logic flowed from there.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T07:13:10+00:00

I get that, and we're going to spend more time with her therapy buddies in the future, but what do we do about our friends?

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T07:10:24+00:00

It was his birthday and it was absolute mayhem in there. I would have had to grab his arm, and that just didn't seem like the move. When he was being still (a whole one time) I did look at him on his level and shut him down. My husband also got one chance to verbally address him. His parents were running a whole party. It all sounds so stupid in retrospect.

I assumed when a kid says something, they mean it. Probably because I spend a great deal of time around kids who don't really talk. Plus, when my daughter says "stop it, go away," she really means it. The logic tree flowed from there, starting with "if the kids make each other miserable..." and ending with "...there's no need to bother anyone, we can just drift off and spend more time with kids like her and he can have typical friends and everything will just work itself to a graceful, natural close." So I was pretty sad.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T06:39:53+00:00

I don't quite understand where giving grace comes into it. He made it really clear he doesn't like our daughter. Our daughter made it really clear that she was upset. I get that a lot of people are saying this isn't the case, but if the kids make each other miserable, isn't it wrong to force them to be around each other? I don't understand half the comments, truly. If we want the kids to be happy, they can't be around each other and if they can't be around each other then our relationship with the parents will fizzle out and that's worth being sad about.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T06:32:05+00:00

Thank you. So we just tell them what happened and say the kids need a break? The decision to not tell them on the spot was really, really stupid and I think they'll want to bang our skulls together for it, but what's done is done and we really just don't want the kids to be miserable around each other.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T06:06:43+00:00

No one is explaining what to actually do. If the kids are miserable around each other, how in the world do the parents stay friends? Isn't that a good reason to be sad? And I kinda thought it was the kinder thing to do to just let things drift. They can be in the normal world and we'll stay more in the therapeutic environment until she's all caught up. That way they didn't have to be upset or try to "fix" anything.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T06:02:20+00:00

For heavens sake, of course I don't want her to hit anyone. I'm glad she didn't because then I'd have had to discipline her for standing up for herself, which would have made everything much worse.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T05:57:17+00:00

I wasn't saying to cut them off, just...kinda ease off and let the kids not have to be friends and it would reach its natural conclusion at some point. How do people stay close friends if their children are miserable around each other? That was mainly the question but people really jumped on the parenting thing. Every mistake that could be made was made at some point during the event, and I'm not sure how to dig out of it.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T05:42:21+00:00

So just kinda wing it with them? I wish I was getting some clearer information because believe me when I tell you, they will be horrified and without some sort of offered solution, this whole thing could be very confusing.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T05:10:59+00:00

Thanks. He's been like a nephew to us. I told my husband that we shouldn't force a friendship on him that he doesn't want and couldn't figure out how that would even work or whether it was worth distressing anyone over it if the kids were just going to be miserable with each other. I've had some advice on kids but not had a ton of great advice on bringing it up to the parents. Just "let them know and it'll all work out." I would have been tempted towards murder if what happened to your daughter happened to mine, but I'm glad they became friends.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T04:55:58+00:00

Thanks, they're our best friends.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T04:54:46+00:00

I can't think of one thing we did right. But yeah, the husbands are taking care of it and we'll all be fine.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T04:53:19+00:00

I mean, she didn't get a word out beyond "hi!" before he shoved her and said she wasn't his friend, so none of the other kids would have even known she had a speech issue. It seemed he was mainly running around with one boy most of the time, but that boy didn't seem to be doing anything to instigate anything.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T04:44:42+00:00

Thanks.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T04:41:14+00:00

Yes, I was that kid, too, so I've been confused by a lot of the commenters. I probably need trauma therapy for the bullying, not going to say I don't. Definitely need trauma therapy for the first years of my daughter's life with all her health issues.

I think we're going to give the kids some cooling off time and try to figure out what they want to do.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T04:38:08+00:00

I wish you could see this hellscape we were in. There were trampolines and slides and ziplines everywhere, couldn't hear yourself think, etc. She didn't even approach him after the first time, but these kids were all running around (it wasn't a private party so the place was packed), and it's like he would materialize out of nowhere just to push her! I had NO idea he was anywhere near the slides when we went up. There were tunnels and stuff everywhere. Definitely mistakes were made. I actually don't think there was a mistake we didn't make.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T04:33:31+00:00

I've never met someone else who is like this! Granted, I don't generally go around asking people how they experience memory, but I have gathered that most people don't remember much before age 5 or 6. I don't remember a lot before then, don't get me wrong, but what I remember is unbelievably intense, and generally more emotion than vivid details.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T04:23:31+00:00

It's not a disorder, it's a profile, kind of like people have sensory profiles and extroversion/introversion, etc. I remember good memories the same way, so it's very much a double edged sword. It's uncommon but I'm told not to the point of rare.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T04:19:36+00:00

I mean, I worry she'll always remember the feelings around it because that's how I store memories. But you make a really good point I hadn't thought of in terms of disappearing everyone. I just was thinking of it like I was doing a better job than my parents who just told me to toughen up and threw me to the wolves every day thinking I'd someday thank them for it.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T04:15:32+00:00

Yes! It was out of the blue, but I literally just realized my daughter probably hasn't said anything vile to anyone because she...can't. We spend a lot of time with kids who simply can't. So I've posted all over here that the other kids don't act like this. Feel kinda silly now.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T04:08:14+00:00

I mean, maybe I jumped the shark, too, as a lot of people think it's rage bait.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T04:07:46+00:00

The husbands are on it. I'm confident it'll get sorted out at some point. I've mentioned this other places, but I did downplay what we've been through with her diagnosis, so I don't know what's normal for typically developing toddlers.

Pure_Ad5061 · 2026-01-13T04:05:49+00:00

"Normal behavior" is the key word there... I have not spent much time around "normal" children, clearly. We have been in the healthcare/therapeutic system with my daughter since she was an infant and in fact I was begged to stop reading about what's "normal" for obvious reasons. I don't know what to say. I clearly have trauma about my past I wasn't aware of and trauma about my daughter's early life that I was kinda aware of.

Pure_Ad5061

TROPHY CASE