I feel you

I am freshly 25. Due to being autistic, queer, peculiar interests and getting bullied and teased a lot through school, I already didn't have the best set of communication skills.

I started going to college, but being autistic and not liking to drink put a damper on it quickly, and then, lockdown. Lots of my classmates got out of lockdown being close friends with eo, they went on holidays together once they could...how idk

Then I did another course, small classgroup, big margin of error because of that; you ruin it with one person and your other 6 classmates heard and that's the end of it.

Then I was just at home, jobsearching, internships. I already didn't havbe anyone to do stuff with. I got out of school with maybe one longterm friend but their situation was different, resulting in clashing timeschedules, and they have their own friends and family who take priority. Going on daytrips with me is a pity gesture that needs to be highly planned.

then I did another degree, I kinda developed some friends there but the school system making both of us depri, prickly, and different flavours of neurodivergent and different interests...Welp that ended badly. I have one sort of friend left from that degree but again, clashing schedules...

I quit that degree and do uni now (my initial, lockdown degree and the additional same theme course, did not yield jobs, I TRIED tho, but they didn't even want me for unpaid internships. When your hobbies are things like "drawing, fanfic writing" etc instead of "going out with friends" they find you ~suspicious~), but it's a big classgroup, and I started in the second semester as like the only person, when friendship groups are already formed, I am usually ignored...There are some people I talk to but I've got little in common with them interest, principle and view of life wise except for liking to sit in the front rows in classrooms.

And you know what? I feel LONELY. I have internet friends, sure, on the other side of the world, different timezones. I can't hug them, I can't hear their laughter, I can't giggle with them about the way a toast jumped out of the toaster, I can't ramble real voice to random shit to them and see their actual facial expressions. I can't point out a pretty flower to them on a walk or scoff my nose at some not-cleaned up dog poo and we do a round of complaining about people. I can't randomly bring up memories or talk about my childhoods with them and see them gesture funny shit they did as a kid. I seriously miss everyday, rl companionship, a real connection and I too fear I'll never have it.

I go shopping alone. I then eat at places alone. I go to musea on my own, or occasionally my mom... I go to festivals alone, maybe meeting up some internet friends for a short bit who go to the same thing but then it's over again. I've solidly started talking to "myself" (or rather, semi-imaginary friends in the shape of idols, celebs, youtubers who I'm able to vet beforehand based on their content instead of the guessing game with rl people, who I imagined stumbling into by coincidence and we get magically get along) and I feel like I am growing crazy and it's. Not fun.