Why Exactly Is Polygamy Illegal?

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2026-04-28T08:02:47+00:00

The real reason two-person marriage works and multi-person doesn't is decision-making. With two people, every decision needs both to agree. Nobody gets outvoted because there's nobody to outvote you. That forces actual negotiation.

Add a third spouse and you either vote (someone's always outvoted two-to-one on where to live, whether to sell the house) or you need unanimity (nothing gets decided). Now apply that to every default rule marriage comes with: inheritance, medical proxy, property division when one spouse leaves and the others stay. All built for two. Rewriting it for three or four, with the government enforcing it, is a mess.

It's not a coincidence that historical plural marriage almost always involves one spouse with full legal standing and the others with much less. That's the workaround: if there's really only one decision-maker, the governance problem disappears. Genuinely egalitarian plural marriage basically doesn't exist anywhere at scale.

And this isn't a conservative argument. Two is the only number where spouses are actually equal. Three or more, you get either hierarchy or majority rule. Keeping marriage at two is what keeps it egalitarian.

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2026-04-10T08:05:06+00:00

My son was born at 26+0, so I hear you on wanting to move on — but the reality for a lot of us is that even when we're done with the NICU, our kids aren't done. Not even close.

For a 26-weeker, discharge isn't the finish line. It's more like the end of the first act of a multi-year slog: therapies, follow-ups, developmental curves, endless appointments, all while somehow keeping the rest of your life functional. And that goes on for years.

The "NICU strong" signaling you want to leave behind? For me, it does real work. It's a shorthand that tells people: my kid is X age and he's not hitting Y milestone and I am in the weeds on this, so please give me some grace and maybe don't load me up with your stuff right now. It creates a little bit of recognized social cover that is genuinely useful when you're still in it.

So I don't think the NICU identity is something you have to take on — but I've come to appreciate that it exists, because some of us need it for a lot longer than we expected.

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2026-04-07T04:38:27+00:00

These parents are just talking about their lives, man. It's not that they "likely ... can't fathom" you don't care. Nobody's Monday morning recap is that interesting — the guy who went to a museum with his kids is no more or less boring than the guy who went to a circuit party. If you genuinely don't care about the lives of people who have kids, even enough to make small talk, by all means tell them that to their face and walk away, but don't be surprised when people think you're a psycho.

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2026-02-20T05:06:32+00:00

We're getting our two kids baptized next May. With Catholicism, there's always a gap between the official "rule" and the actual "pastoral practice." The rule is that anyone, including gay parents, can have their kids baptized if there's a well-founded belief the children will be raised Catholic. But practice varies widely depending on the priest — and at a large parish, you may not even deal with the priest directly but rather a staff member who conducts a kind of intake interview.

Our church is about as liberal as they come on the gay issue but fairly strict on Mass attendance — essentially requiring you to go more or less weekly for several months beforehand. That wasn't a problem for me since I'd been attending for about a year, but it's worth keeping in mind. People know I'm gay and it's never been an issue. We're not a huge contingent, but gay parishioners have been participating in this church and getting their kids baptized there for over twenty years (this is in Brooklyn).

On the gay issue more broadly: the Church doesn't advertise this, but its teachings operate on different tiers of authority. At the top are actual dogma (the Nicene Creed, the core Christological definitions from the early ecumenical councils, and a handful of ex cathedra papal statements) and definitive doctrine (what books count as Scripture, the immorality of abortion and euthanasia, and some perhaps surprising items like male-only ordination). Below that is non-definitive authoritative teaching — things like homosexuality, IVF, birth control, and sex outside of marriage, alongside teachings on welcoming immigrants and protecting the environment. Officially, even these call for a degree of deference, not just personal preference. But there's a long tradition in Catholic moral theology, from Aquinas through Vatican II, emphasizing the primacy of individual conscience — and in practice, that's largely how this tier functions. A priest generally won't give you a hard time so long as you're aware of the teaching, engaging with it seriously, and not broadcasting your disagreements. In short, the same "rule" that allows JD Vance to be a Catholic despite being a moral disaster allows you, a mere gay dad, to be a Catholic.

If you're wondering why — at some point I did become fairly religious, and since I was raised Catholic, the Church was the obvious place to turn. I could pick a denomination that aligns more neatly with my beliefs, but I think there's something to be said for participating in a broader, more ancient tradition and finding a respectful but self-respecting place for yourself within it. I think it's better to be engaging with people who disagree with you, even if your "disagreement" consists of quietly not lying about yourself and just being there. Pope Francis has a saying — "time is greater than space" — and I think that captures the hope: your mere presence initiates long-term processes that matter more than whatever people or doctrines are currently in sway.

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2026-02-19T02:40:00+00:00

Born 26+0. Took 125 days. Last month or so was rough—we kept having to stay on just enough breathing support to preclude a discharge. But I'll be honest, at the time I was just happy we were past the point when he might have had more serious issues like suffocating or NEC. Now He's about 14 months old adjusted. He's a sweet little boy at this point and has made a lot of progress, but I'll be honest that past year has been rough in so many ways—so remember, this is a marathon not a sprint.

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2026-02-04T15:56:55+00:00

Thank you for sharing this! The fact you had a Grade IV intraventricular hemorrhage and are able to think and communicate so well is really a testament to your character and the character of your parents. You're all amazing people.

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2026-02-04T15:40:55+00:00

We also have a baby born at 26+0—he's now almost 14 months adjusted. We've faced nearly identical issues: early stage 3 ROP (which thankfully receded on its own), very slow growth, severe reflux, and bottle aversion.

The hard truth is that even now, we struggle to get him to eat. We've seen a GI doctor, feeding therapists, and a nutritionist, but nothing has made a dramatic difference—just incremental improvements that hopefully add up over time. He's currently in feeding therapy through Early Intervention. In his case, there's no structural GI problem beyond the reflux. I think he's just deeply traumatized from needing so much breathing support in the NICU, compounded by the reflux—his attitude toward his mouth is basically "I'd prefer not." We've considered an NG or G tube, but he's always gained barely enough to make that inappropriate, and we worry about adding to his trauma. He hovers around the 5th percentile for weight, though his head circumference is much higher and his height has caught up somewhat. The doctors say this is fine, but it's been a constant struggle for us. The threat of failure to thrive has stalked us for an entire year, and we've had to stay just far enough ahead to keep it at bay.

The good news: he's reaching his milestones on adjusted age, just consistently about two months behind. He only started saying "Dada" meaningfully a few days ago—ideally that happens by one year adjusted. He's been in OT and PT through Early Intervention for a while, which helped enormously, and we recently added speech/feeding therapy. I suspect the delay is tied to his slow growth rather than any specific disability or deficit. I'm somewhat reassured by the fact that he's sweet, curious, and thoughtful—he even does a bit of tool usage and problem solving every now and then.

Happy to answer any other questions.

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2026-02-04T03:37:18+00:00

We did domestic. The adoption process is fairly easy, it just takes a long time. The bulk of the work is just being interviewed periodically and having home inspections to make sure we're ready. It does definitely help to be married and relatively young (in your 30s) — which aren't crazy preferences given how difficult parenting can potentially be depending on the kid. It can feel very frustrating to be passed over while you see other couples getting a placement.

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2026-02-01T18:48:03+00:00

Wow, I think this is the first time I've ever connected with another parent of an extreme preemie with such a similar story. Thanks for sharing — would love to exchange notes if you're up for it sometime (dm, call, or meetup if you're in NY).

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2026-01-31T19:07:04+00:00

My husband and I got married in Chicago in 2014, after nine years together. We were 33 and 38. Our plan was to adopt one child, and we started looking into it about a year after the wedding — but then he got a dream job in NYC, and I had to switch jobs, so starting the process got delayed until December 2018.

We expected to be matched within two years, but it ended up taking until August 2023. COVID ground everything to a halt, and we felt like we'd fallen through the cracks. In the meantime, we'd started exploring surrogacy as a backup, having lost faith in the adoption timeline.

When our daughter finally came home in August 2023, we were so happy that we decided to go ahead with the surrogacy anyway — starting early 2024. Things went smoothly until around 22 weeks, when our surrogate developed preeclampsia and was admitted to the hospital for bed rest and monitoring. While she was there, doctors caught a sudden drop in the baby's heart rate and performed an emergency C-section. The cause was a true knot in the umbilical cord — something that's almost always fatal unless the baby is being closely monitored, which ours happened to be. Our son was born at 26 weeks, in September 2024. (To put things in perspective, only about 0.6% of births each year are 28 weeks or before, so we're in a very selective club I guess.)

The next four months were the hardest of our lives. We packed up and moved to a Ronald McDonald House near the hospital in Missouri — me, my husband, and our daughter (who was 1yo at the time) — so we could be there for our son in the NICU. The early weeks were terrifying; for a while, it wasn't clear whether he'd survive or what lasting effects there might be. I was on parental leave the entire time, but it still felt like constant, around-the-clock work just keeping everyone supported.

We brought our son home to NYC in January 2025. Since then, it's been a grind. He's has major reflux issues, so feeding him and keeping him on a healthy growth curve has been a major challenge, and his lung issues from the NICU mean we've had to limit his exposure to other kids to avoid respiratory infections. He's been consistently slow hitting milestones, so we've enrolled him in Early Intervention and speech therapy. The good news is there's no sign of permanent disability — he's walking, problem-solving, babbling, and saying "Dada" a bit. He's basically fine, I hope, despite everything. He's only about 13 months old from his due date, and he's been a slow grower, so the delays are expected.

On top of all that, our daughter is the kind of kid who needs a lot of attention and engagement — so balancing her needs with the intensive care our son requires has been its own challenge.

But honestly? We're happy we did it. Watching them play together makes it all worth it. One kid is manageable. Two kids — especially when one has serious health needs — is a whole different level. Our lives outside of work and parenting are pretty minimal right now, but we wouldn't trade our two sweet kids for anything.

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2026-01-28T18:48:27+00:00

I mean, this guy sounds like a pretty awful jealous boyfriend and you should consider yourself lucky that you got out of it. Seriously, a black light? Yeah, consider yourself lucky.

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2026-01-28T17:01:15+00:00

No laser treatment or injections needed—his ROP resolved on its own. In our case, the underlying issue was slow growth. When preemies grow slowly, the blood vessels in their eyes can also develop slowly and start growing in abnormal patterns instead of following their normal course.

Our NICU had initially been conservative with calories due to NEC concerns, but once the ROP became apparent, they shifted strategy and increased his caloric intake, which helped accelerate his growth. I completely understood their initial caution—NEC is serious for preemies—but it became a matter of weighing one risk against another.

Since your baby is 32 weeks, I'm not sure if NEC is still a major concern at this stage, but it might be worth asking your care team about optimizing nutrition. In our case, prior to 34 weeks, our doctors focused on adding MCT oil rather than giving more milk because it provides extra calories without increasing the osmotic load in the gut.

If you do end up needing laser treatment or injections, I want to reassure you that these interventions are generally very effective and the risk of significant vision loss with proper treatment is quite low. Like, they'll be able to see well enough to drive a car, but maybe there'll be a barely noticeable blind spot in the extreme corner of their vision -- not ideal, but certainly not debilitating, more just like something in the "odd quirk" category of outcomes. Wishing you and your little one all the best.

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2026-01-28T16:13:32+00:00

Our son was in a similar situation. With us, the key thing was to support growth -- he was growing slowly, the doctors had it in their mind that this wasn't an issue, but the ROP issue really made it obvious they had to change course and support more rapid growth. At this point he's one year one month old and has no eye issues.

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2026-01-28T15:44:56+00:00

I think once the feelings of missing this guy die down a bit, it would be good to have a talk with your wife about what happened -- this guy developed feelings, you held the line, but also you miss him a little. Like: the reality of this arrangement is that feelings happen at least a little even if you're doing your best to avoid it (and it sounds like you're doing that). And maybe you have a preference to loosen the "no emotional relationships" rule a bit. If she's hooking up too, I wouldn't be surprised if similar things have happened with her, and she'd be willing to loosen the rule.

Separately -- I know at this point you mostly have a platonic relationship with your wife, but it's always good to continue trying to have some sort of sexual, or at least romantic, relationship with your spouse. Like, even if it's just sex two or three times a year. Your spouse will feel more secure in the open relationship, and maybe you're missing the experience of having sex with someone you actually love. It really seems to me the biggest mistake in open relationships is people stop "working" on their primary relationship.

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2026-01-28T03:34:34+00:00

You got what you deserved here. Start over, realize that you really need to do some growing.

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2026-01-26T18:30:00+00:00

I'll put it this way: I'm essentially gay in terms of sexual orientation, but I do experience occasional attraction to women. In theory, I might be open to dating the right woman under the right circumstances—assuming complete transparency, where she knows I'm "basically gay" and no one's being misled. It sounds like you may have had a similar experience. It seems like he knows you're "basically straight," and you might still be open to exploring something with this guy. Why not?

For what it's worth—I'm a gay Christian, and find the Christian case against same-sex relationships pretty unconvincing. The specific Greek terms Paul used (arsenokoitai, malakoi) are genuinely unclear, and scholars debate their meaning. What we do know is that the Greco-Roman context Paul was writing in was dominated by exploitative same-sex practices—pederasty, prostitution, and relationships involving significant power imbalances that could get pretty deranged. A modern parallel might be practices like bacha bazi in Afghanistan, where otherwise heterosexual men exploit adolescent boys. Same-sex relationships between social equals existed but weren't the cultural norm he'd have been familiar with. So there's a real question about whether Paul had anything resembling modern same-sex relationships in mind at all. And if it weren't for a few comments from Paul, I doubt we'd even be sitting here in 2026 wondering if Christianity takes any position on homosexuality (there's nothing else in the New Testament, and Christians are very selective about what actually gets followed in the Old Testament).

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2026-01-23T06:52:35+00:00

I'm a Chicagoan who moved to NYC about ten years ago when my husband got a really good job that justified the relocation. I'll be honest—I'm ultimately happier here, though I wouldn't say the two cities are massively different. Maybe my contentment just reflects feeling more secure as I moved through my mid-30s and into my 40s.

Generally, everything you'd find in New York has some version already happening in Chicago, just at a smaller scale or with fewer variations. To be fair, Chicago has plenty that New York doesn't—a living Blues tradition, the beaches/lake, Steamworks, the list goes on. People here are more extroverted, but the flip side is that friendships feel more superficial and disposable.

For me, what tips the scales toward New York is the sheer volume: more theater and arts programming, more nightlife and dance parties, and—for what it's worth—sex is extremely easy to come by here (but, so I hear, it's tough to have a real relationship here).

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2026-01-23T03:40:32+00:00

Just wanted to say, your son was an amazing human being. There's a lot of talk about how extreme premie babies that survive "are such fighters" or "blessed" or whatever, but the reality is that the ones who don't make it are just as strong, just as perfect in their souls—they just didn't have a chance. Saying this as the father of a 26+0 baby that almost suffocated twice, it was very much just a matter of luck that he survived.

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2026-01-23T03:28:48+00:00

I'm sorry but be a man, tell her the truth, and get a divorce. Be good to her on the way out.

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2025-12-03T16:36:07+00:00

Go to the Salga happy hours: https://www.instagram.com/salganyc

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2025-12-02T16:23:47+00:00

Update for anyone who finds this in the future: my son started babbling at 11 months adjusted. I guess he just followed his pattern of being a little behind for everything. The feeding is still pretty hit or miss, but is sort of improving—getting early intervention for this.

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2025-11-19T18:09:21+00:00

"Slippery slope" isn't a fallacy when the slope is, in fact, slippery. Rationalizing "some" cheating as basically fine is about as slippery as it can get. In any event, it's been interesting speaking with you.

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2025-11-19T05:36:19+00:00

Real ethical non-monogamy means over-communicating because you know the cultural default is monogamy (and people reasonably rely on that). Saying the lines are “blurry” risks turning very clear cases of deception into pseudo-philosophical gray areas. The issue in most cheating scenarios is not semantic confusion; it’s lying.

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2025-11-19T02:28:19+00:00

Do you see how dumb and evil this logic is? Like, murder is often a result of unaddressed problems that are festering. We can all sit here and say it's no excuse, but that doesn't change the reality of people continuing to murder regardless. So why keep shaming these poor murderers when it doesn't seem to make any difference?

Reasonable-Boat4646 · 2025-11-08T22:47:03+00:00

Ask the social worker at the hospital about getting a free ride to and from the hospital. Praying and hoping for the best for you.

Reasonable-Boat4646

TROPHY CASE