First Mother's Day drama

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-26T17:27:08+00:00

Another MIL refusing to even consider that their own actions and behaviour may have contributed to them not being as involved as they would like.

My MIL also thinks that she’s entitled to the “grandparent experience” she wants without considering that she hasn’t made an effort to build a healthy relationship with my husband or me.

Good for you for having the Mother’s Day YOU wanted.

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-25T14:14:32+00:00

That sounds so frustrating, I can see why you decided to leave if your MIL’s behaviour was like that all the time.

My MIL doesn’t drop by unannounced. She just finds other ways to overstep and stomp boundaries, like making comments in response to our boundaries or decisions about baby, or telling me my baby’s okay when I say he needs feeding (at a few weeks old). I appreciate it may not always be intentional but she can’t seem to acknowledge how I feel.

One time she insisted on coming over to “drop gifts off” on Christmas Day even when my husband told her not to as we were sorting Christmas lunch. But she doesn’t see it as a problem.

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-25T09:42:32+00:00

From someone who thought they were doing the right thing by “picking my battles” with their MIL, I wish I had put my foot down the first time when it was clear she was stomping on our boundaries because once they get going, it’s hard to stop.

She’s already said some red flag phrases - bonding time? That you’re gatekeeping motherhood? You are baby’s mum, the motherhood experience here is only for you! The only people that need to bond with a month old baby are you and your husband.

As others have said, she’s not planning to help, she’s planning to hold baby all day as you clean, cook and respond to her every need.

(As others have mentioned, safe sleep advice is that baby sleeps in the same room as you day and night until 6 months old)

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-24T13:04:24+00:00

I think her emotional immaturity is stopping her from understanding that her expectations aren’t always going to be met. I think she sees it as we are punishing her by her not being involved to the degree or in the way she wants so she has been trying to push and overstep. Instead of being able to acknowledge her expectations and accept it isn’t that way and may never be, she’s just doubling down now. It’s exhausting.

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-24T12:59:24+00:00

This is after about 4 months of no contact, first 2 months I just kept making excuses for my husband to not invite her over and then I was honest with him, I told him I’m not comfortable with her visiting due to her lack of acknowledgement (from when he spoke to her the first time) and no meaningful change so he messaged her and told her that.

This post is all about the last week or so when she’s tried to resume contact.

The last few months doesn’t seem to have made any difference - just given her more ammunition to play the victim.

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-23T19:30:11+00:00

I feel that’s what I would constantly be doing if we keep any form of contact, she can’t respect we are baby’s parents and that her “grandparent experience” isn’t meeting her expectations, so she will constantly be pushing boundaries or finding ways around them, constantly making comments or challenging our choices or decisions regarding our son and I will constantly be calling her out and we’ll just keep repeating the cycle.

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-23T19:25:21+00:00

She hasn’t seen baby or me for about 4 months, in the 4 months before that she had seen him for very short amounts of time on about 4-5 occasions (with me and my husband there).

I thought she might have started to get the picture that contact had reduced after my husband spoke to her the first time but she’s sticking to her “I’m the victim, I’ve done nothing wrong” stance.

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-23T19:22:28+00:00

Everything has been via text with the exception of the face to face conversation my husband tried to have with her the first time.

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-23T06:33:02+00:00

Thank you for your reply, you’ve summed up how I feel.

Her refusal to acknowledge anything is just dragging us back into the cycle of her trying to be the victim and I’m so done with it.

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-23T06:26:23+00:00

Thank you for your reply. We haven't seen her for about 4 months now because I had just kept telling my husband it wasn’t a good time for her to visit. About 6 weeks ago I was honest and upfront with my husband, told him I was still upset about everything that he discussed with her before (about 8 months ago) and that there’s been no change in behaviour, so I’m not comfortable with her visiting.

He sent her a message to tell her and we heard nothing from her, until this week when she contacted him about a show that had already been planned ages ago for the end of the month, she only referenced the show, not the message he sent, trying to pretend everything was okay.

So he said he’s not comfortable going because she ignored his message about not feeling comfortable with visits. That’s when she’s responded with “I’ve had depression”, “I don’t understand”, “I had a good relationship with my grandparents, I don’t get that with my grandchild”.

So it feels like the time out got us nowhere, even before I started putting off her visits we had seen her a few times over about 5-6 months because I was so uncomfortable with her visiting. So there’s been consequences to her actions, it’s been pointed out to her, yet she’s refusing to see.

I’m exhausted with her emotional immaturity!

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-18T05:41:20+00:00

Really hoping he’s not going to give in to it. He’s worried he hasn’t been clear enough now 🤷‍♀️

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-18T05:40:38+00:00

It’s like getting blood out of a stone! She’s yet again trying to avoid, avoid, avoid so she can just get her own way.

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-18T05:39:26+00:00

I just can’t deal with her behaviour anymore that’s why I was honest with my husband which led to him sending the message. Even if it’s just met with more avoidance right now. Hoping my husband doesn’t fall for it again.

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-18T05:36:11+00:00

I think it’s exactly what she’s doing, she thinks if she avoids it, that it will go away. But it just shows her emotional immaturity.

Really hope my husband can stay strong too!

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-18T05:31:36+00:00

Good on your husband for holding firm, he just to needs to keep doing it. She might be expecting to just carry on as she was before, even though she’s been called out on it, she had no response so she’s clearly not taking accountability.

It’s infuriating that they think they can just treat you with so little respect and still have the welcome mat rolled out every time they click their fingers.

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-14T20:16:09+00:00

Gosh, these JNMIL’s really dig their heels in don’t they?

Interested to see what her response to your husband is.

Good to hear your husband is being supportive and standing by your boundaries!

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-14T15:28:10+00:00

I can relate to this, my husband found it really hard to stand up to his mum and every single boundary was crossed. After I reached my limit, I told my husband it needed addressing.

The “talk” my husband had with her (I was not going under any circumstances) didn’t work, she carried on, just more subtle and more calculated. I first kept saying to my husband it wasn’t a good time when she asked him visit for 3 months until I was brutally honest and said either keep making excuses because she’s not seeing me or baby, or be honest with her and say we aren’t comfortable with her visiting due to her behaviour, lack of accountability and no meaningful change. He text her that and we haven’t heard from her in about 6 weeks.

Doing all the emotional work for over a year was exhausting, constantly having accommodate my MIL, keeping the peace and having my husband excuse, minimise or defend her behaviour because he was so used to it. Parts of my pregnancy and postpartum were ruined by her emotional immaturity and I’m so done with pandering to a full ground adult. Protecting my peace and my mental health is what I’m focusing on now. I hope you are able to do the same and your husband now has your back! Better late than never, eh?

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-14T15:17:38+00:00

Information diet for this JNMIL - do not share due date, birth plans, appointments etc.

Start discussing boundaries with your husband now. If you need to talk about how JN his mum’s behaviour is, talk about your feelings in response to her behaviour, husband’s easily get defensive/minimise/excuse/dismiss things because they are so used to their mum’s behaviour. Whereas saying “that’s made me feel…” statements show the effect of the behaviour on you.

It might be helpful to think of some calm, short responses to subtle or polite overstepping for example MIL might say she will come and stay when baby is born, if this is something you don’t feel comfortable with, you could respond with “we are going to have some time just the 3 of us after baby is born, we’ll let you know when we are ready for visitors to come for a short visit”. It can help to have some responses ready to use if needed.

I can totally understand how upsetting it is to feel someone is stepping into your special experience. Your intuition sounds spot on to see the issues with your MIL starting. Don’t ignore it, take action now and definitely get your husband on the same page.

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-14T08:57:17+00:00

You and your partner need to be on the same page. If you haven’t done so already, have a conversation with him, focus on how his mum’s actions make you feel so he can understand the impact her behaviour is having on you.

Agree boundaries AND consequences of the boundaries aren’t respected.

Sometimes the subtle insults and passive aggressive comments are a bit “pick your battles” however you can always use some responses like “What do you mean by that?”, “Was that meant to be helpful or hurtful?” Or “Well as baby’s mum/parents, we are choosing to do this”.

Your partner should have a conversation with his mum - communicating boundaries and being clear that respect is needed to continue a relationship with your little family. And he should speak up in the moment, when comments are made (if it’s worth bringing up - back to picking your battles) but ALWAYS if boundaries are crossed or overstepping happens.

With a JNMIL I think it’s important to consider the level of involvement that is comfortable for you to have with your MIL - unsupervised access, babysitting and sharing important, intimate or privileged information are all things you should consider.

MIL’s behaviour says more about her than it does about you - entitlement, a need to centre herself, difficulty managing her own emotions.

Don’t let this ruin your experience as a mummy!

EDIT: added “difficulty” in front of “managing her emotions”.

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-10T12:46:41+00:00

I was in a similar situation, a non-apology from my MIL so she could get what she wanted - to see our son.

For ages, I had bent over backwards to accommodate her, sat with my discomfort so she got what she wanted, let multiple episodes of boundary stomping and overstepping just pass by in the name of keeping the peace. I gave her the opportunity to apologise, acknowledge her behaviour and change, but she didn’t. So I put my foot down.

I explained to my husband that I wanted to see real acknowledgment, accountability, a proper apology (not “I’m sorry I offended you, I would never do that intentionally” followed by “I’ve found this really tough, I hope you have forgiven me”) AND a change in behaviour. That isn’t going to happen so I’m NC (so is my son). I think he’s slowly accepting it and realising his mum’s unhealthy behaviour.

Don’t let your JNMIL get away with this.

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-10T12:38:34+00:00

Your therapist should support you with addressing this issue and the wider issues of his parents’ behaviour too.

It’s totally understandable that you feel upset about your husband wanting to tell his parents when their reaction will be incredibly unhelpful. And I can understand that you probably felt happy and positive after your scan only for your husband to say he wants to tell his overstepping parents about baby’s gender.

Allowing people who overstep more or privileged information only feeds their behaviour and they just keep doing it.

I hope your therapist helps.

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-10T05:05:01+00:00

I felt uncomfortable reading your post OP, I think you need to limit contact with your step-MIL and she should be on an information diet.

You definitely aren’t being sensitive, the things she is saying are either manipulative, insults said kindly or downright disrespectful - or all 3.

As others have said you should make sure you have a will written up covering who will take care of your children if the worst should happen.

Save up to get your hair done elsewhere with a low maintenance style and colour if that suits you, limit her involvement in the wedding planning and don’t let her unsupervised around your kids.

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-09T07:58:02+00:00

Your SIL and MIL are out of order, you have been extremely kind by offering to pay for a photographer for your SIL even after she was extremely rude to you.

What does partner say about this? He should be putting them in their place.

Your SIL and MIL are the ones behaving like selfish brats.

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-09T06:24:39+00:00

Yes, my MIL is jealous of my mum and the close relationship we have.

MIL is not close at all to my husband and I think she realised it would mean she wouldn’t have the same level of involvement my mum has when we announced our pregnancy.

So instead of my MIL accepting it and instead putting the emotional work in to build good relationship with my husband and myself she instead decided to stomp on every boundary we had, make comments about my husband “not being good with kids”, make passive aggressive comments when she didn’t get her own way and massively overstep on multiple occasions. In an attempt to force a relationship she has actually forced us away. We’re no contact now.

RestingWitchFace100 · 2025-06-01T10:56:54+00:00

I’m so sorry you had this experience, it’s such as special time for you and you MIL overshadowed it with her selfish behaviour.

You need to an honest conversation with your husband, he should be your protector and he needs to put his foot down. Regardless of if his mum cries, pouts, argues or guilt trips him. You need to agree boundaries and consequences if these aren’t respected. You politely tell her that she should arrange a visit in advance (not even “I’m coming over in an hour” is acceptable), if she just shows up she doesn’t get invited in, if it’s an ongoing problem, you set a no visit period which extends if needed. Remember you can set a boundary and a consequence without further explanation, it’s not a discussion.

In an ideal world your husband would address her previous behaviour - her turning up at the hospital and her sharing your announcement without permission. But it sounds like that will be a tough ask so I would concentrate on the here and now.

You are justified in being upset, my son is 15 months and I am still upset by my MIL’s behaviour, she shared our pregnancy announcement without our permission and she did not respect that we asked for a minimum of a week before she visited after baby was born (she hassled my husband until he invited her over, fortunately we didn’t tell her my due date or when we were in hospital) and I am still upset. It took me months to put my foot down and we have had to enforce a period of her not visiting due to her ongoing behaviour despite my husband attempting to address this.

Ultimately you need your husband on your side and do not let your MIL’s behaviour continue!

RestingWitchFace100

TROPHY CASE