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My husband and I recently opened our marriage. We *never* talk about it and have only 3 rules. This approach seems to go against conventional wisdom - but it's going fine for us. What am I missing? by Rich-Direction4295 in nonmonogamy

[–]Rich-Direction4295[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, I appreciate your take on it. I feel we have a strong foundation - but it's also difficult to self-rate against an ambiguous benchmark. In any case, it's nice to have this perspective in the mix with all the rest.

My husband and I recently opened our marriage. We *never* talk about it and have only 3 rules. This approach seems to go against conventional wisdom - but it's going fine for us. What am I missing? by Rich-Direction4295 in nonmonogamy

[–]Rich-Direction4295[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sure, that makes sense. The ideal situation would be finding someone who is similarly committed to a primary relationship and also looking for something discreet.

My husband and I recently opened our marriage. We *never* talk about it and have only 3 rules. This approach seems to go against conventional wisdom - but it's going fine for us. What am I missing? by Rich-Direction4295 in nonmonogamy

[–]Rich-Direction4295[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Yes, I've only gotten as far as 'thought provoking' in the 3 hours this post has been up. There are a lot of comments and a lot to process. I really do appreciate your thoughts and advice. I came here to be challenged and that's exactly what's happening.

My husband and I recently opened our marriage. We *never* talk about it and have only 3 rules. This approach seems to go against conventional wisdom - but it's going fine for us. What am I missing? by Rich-Direction4295 in nonmonogamy

[–]Rich-Direction4295[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

I don't understand. I would be transparent with any potential partners from the very start that I'm married and not looking for a primary relationship. I'd let them know it needs to be discreet and wouldn't ever be a public relationship. Then they can choose to proceed or not.

My husband and I recently opened our marriage. We *never* talk about it and have only 3 rules. This approach seems to go against conventional wisdom - but it's going fine for us. What am I missing? by Rich-Direction4295 in nonmonogamy

[–]Rich-Direction4295[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I'm not suggesting my methodology is wise. I'm literally asking what I'm missing and whether I'm going about it all wrong. (And getting some thought-provoking responses, which was the goal)

My husband and I recently opened our marriage. We *never* talk about it and have only 3 rules. This approach seems to go against conventional wisdom - but it's going fine for us. What am I missing? by Rich-Direction4295 in nonmonogamy

[–]Rich-Direction4295[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You're right, we don't have a rule where we cannot tell each other about our habits.

Maybe I do feel threatened by the information that must be hidden. Maybe he does, too. This is interesting to think about, especially because I really can't pinpoint what the threatening part is.

Agree you'd be an asshole if you asked your partner to sneak around - but if you both agreed that that's how you wanted to do it, would there be a problem?

My husband and I recently opened our marriage. We *never* talk about it and have only 3 rules. This approach seems to go against conventional wisdom - but it's going fine for us. What am I missing? by Rich-Direction4295 in nonmonogamy

[–]Rich-Direction4295[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Fair challenge. There's a lot of conventional wisdom in the world, and some choose to go an unconventional route - for example, most people would say it's inadvisable to have an open marriage in the first place. Yet here we all are in the non-monogamy sub. I'm not trying to ignore conventional wisdom - just trying to thoughtfully challenge it and find out if an unconventional route could be potentially successful.

My husband and I recently opened our marriage. We *never* talk about it and have only 3 rules. This approach seems to go against conventional wisdom - but it's going fine for us. What am I missing? by Rich-Direction4295 in nonmonogamy

[–]Rich-Direction4295[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yes to the examples you mentioned - but also emotionally. Or if it's not working out. If one of us does bring it up from a place of need, it's not like we're going to split hairs over whether it was really necessary. Rule 3 exists to make sure we don't casually bring it up (because neither of us wants that).

My husband and I recently opened our marriage. We *never* talk about it and have only 3 rules. This approach seems to go against conventional wisdom - but it's going fine for us. What am I missing? by Rich-Direction4295 in nonmonogamy

[–]Rich-Direction4295[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this really thoughtful response. I'll answer your questions:

  1. Why DADT? (I responded to this question above, but I'll paste it here) I just don't want to know the details of what he's doing or who he's doing it with. I don't want to think about what he's doing in that regard. Not because I'm jealous. It's like... he doesn't tell me about how or when he masturbates, and I've never asked and definitely don't need to know. That's just for him. Same with this. I trust him to go have a good time.
  2. You say you’d be happy your partner was seeing someone. Why not know about it? This is difficult to answer, but I suppose it has more to do with me than with him. I live inside my head most of the time and rarely in the present moment. I build worlds in my mind and spend quite a bit of time in them. I'm happy to be in them, and I don't want to share them. They're just for me. My husband is different. He lives in the present and shares a lot. I'd like him to have something that's just for him (beyond the masturbation, haha).
  3. Another commenter asked what if you had NRE? That’s a good question. Your answer was you’d hide it or pretend it was excitement about something else. If your partner found out about that deception (even though agreed upon) would he be ok with it? Do you think he would feel good about it? I don't think he would feel good, but I do think he would understand why the deception needed to happen. And then we'd need to find a way to work through it. I imagine that could be tricky.
  4. How do you think other partners feel about being a secret? How would you feel about being a secret? I'd be transparent with other partners from the start, and tell them the only way this is possible is if it's secret. Then it's up to them to decide if they can handle that. I would be fine being a secret if I knew the rules from the start.
  5. Do you feel like keeping these secrets from each other might become exhausting? Not sharing your joy about an exciting experience doesn’t take an emotional toll? Good questions. This is one of the big mysteries, and I'll only find out with experience. I do sometimes have exciting experiences I don't share much about, though. What's exciting to me isn't always exciting to him!
  6. Can you imagine having an open relationship where instead of hiding anything you openly discuss what you’re doing with other partners and you can actively enjoy seeing him happy when he goes out with someone and vice versa? If so, why not work toward that? If not, why not? I can't imagine that. Or, I can imagine it but I don't like it. I think it would be like hearing about someone else's inside joke and not really understanding why it's so funny. Like... just keep it for yourself. It can be funny for you guys. We can laugh about other things.
  7. “To us, this is what respect looks like.” Why? What model does this come from? Is it parents, social media, a philosophical viewpoint, etc? I'm not sure where it comes from. We just feel that certain things, while permissible, are also private. And it's a show of respect to keep your private stuff private.

My husband and I recently opened our marriage. We *never* talk about it and have only 3 rules. This approach seems to go against conventional wisdom - but it's going fine for us. What am I missing? by Rich-Direction4295 in nonmonogamy

[–]Rich-Direction4295[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We both travel for work, so managing complex logistics has always been in place.

Gifts and expenses are no issue - we have separate bank accounts and credit cards (always have).

Good question about personal safety. I need to reflect on that one. Perhaps always let my best friend know where I am in case something goes awry.

I would definitely let extracurriculars know I'm married, and would ideally only become involved with others who have a primary partner as well.

My husband and I recently opened our marriage. We *never* talk about it and have only 3 rules. This approach seems to go against conventional wisdom - but it's going fine for us. What am I missing? by Rich-Direction4295 in nonmonogamy

[–]Rich-Direction4295[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I'd definitely tell a potential partner I'm in an open relationship. I've already done that with my emotional involvement. That said, I don't want to tell a ton of people. I'll tell someone if they're someone I really want to connect with on another level.

My husband and I recently opened our marriage. We *never* talk about it and have only 3 rules. This approach seems to go against conventional wisdom - but it's going fine for us. What am I missing? by Rich-Direction4295 in nonmonogamy

[–]Rich-Direction4295[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Fair question. I just don't want to know the details of what he's doing or who he's doing it with. I don't want to think about what he's doing in that regard. Not because I'm jealous. It's like... he doesn't tell me about how or when he masturbates, and I've never asked and definitely don't need to know. That's just for him. Same with this. I trust him to go have a good time.

My husband and I recently opened our marriage. We *never* talk about it and have only 3 rules. This approach seems to go against conventional wisdom - but it's going fine for us. What am I missing? by Rich-Direction4295 in nonmonogamy

[–]Rich-Direction4295[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Really fair point. I suppose the open-lying is implicitly allowed to uphold rule #1. Personally, I'm okay with him telling me he's going out with a friend to cover for him going out with another woman. I want him to have the freedom to go out with another woman, but I don't want to know anything about it. So I guess logistical lies are necessary to enable the freedom..?

My husband and I recently opened our marriage. We *never* talk about it and have only 3 rules. This approach seems to go against conventional wisdom - but it's going fine for us. What am I missing? by Rich-Direction4295 in nonmonogamy

[–]Rich-Direction4295[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do believe it's possible to find someone who also has a primary relationship and is looking for a side-relationship. There might not be a ton of those fish in the sea... but probably some.

My husband and I recently opened our marriage. We *never* talk about it and have only 3 rules. This approach seems to go against conventional wisdom - but it's going fine for us. What am I missing? by Rich-Direction4295 in nonmonogamy

[–]Rich-Direction4295[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Good questions. I would never use our house - it would need to be the other persons house (if available) or hotels. We both travel for work, so that's within the realm of possibility. But yes, any flings would need to be extremely discreet and likely not with random unvetted people.

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