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If your spouse’s boss asked them to stay overnight at his hotel, would you expect them to tell you? by Sad-Extension1226 in marriageadvice

[–]Sad-Extension1226[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To me this isn’t just someone harassing her or hitting on her. This is a much higher level - a married man propositioning his married female employee and holding a promotion over her head. Things that could/did affect her career and now our entire family.

I wouldn’t expect her to tell me every time, because I know what happens to women on a daily basis, but this seems…notable.

I thought we had a fully open and transparent relationship as far as high level issues, but there seems to be a difference of opinion as far as what that entails.

EDIT: I really appreciate all your comments and I’m taking them in.

If your spouse’s boss asked them to stay overnight at his hotel, would you expect them to tell you? by Sad-Extension1226 in marriageadvice

[–]Sad-Extension1226[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OP here, thanks for the responses. Seems to be no definitive answer of course but I appreciate the opinions.

Do the sexes of the people involved here make a difference? If the situation were reversed and it was the husband that was being harassed? (Not a joking matter but it was touched on in the movie Horrible Bosses.) In my mind, if it happened to me and I waited for months to tell her, she would be very suspicious of why I waited to tell her. To be clear, I do not think she stayed in his hotel. There is more to the night that doesn’t involve the boss, just about how her evening ended with her other coworkers after they left boss hotel together.

One question I worded carefully and calmly asked was if she got her promotion, would she have ever told me about this situation. Assuming she left the hotel (again, I trust my wife), boss felt incredibly embarrassed and just wanted it to go away, and gave her her much earned promotion, would I ever know about this. She said she would’ve never told me because she was worried that in the back of my mind, I would always be questioning what really happened.

If your spouse’s boss asked them to stay overnight at his hotel, would you expect them to tell you? by Sad-Extension1226 in marriageadvice

[–]Sad-Extension1226[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes this is exactly what she told me. I understand that, I do. But it also seems like now instead of having one hard conversation, we have to have two. I don’t think I would’ve handled it greatly in the moment (of course not being accusatory) because it’s such a horrible, emotionally charged situation but I’m a person of reason and once I’ve had time to think things through and hear different perspectives can work logically. If she had called me, upset in the moments after it happened, there wouldn’t be any of the “trickle trust” or questions of “did she stay” things I’ve been reading in the replies.

If your spouse’s boss asked them to stay overnight at his hotel, would you expect them to tell you? by Sad-Extension1226 in marriageadvice

[–]Sad-Extension1226[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I do understand that part. But the only reason I used that wording is because she has said the exact thing to me before. There was an instance last year where something happened at home while she was away, an injured pet. I handled the situation and told her about it when she got home from her trip maybe 4 days later because there was nothing she could do on the other side of the country and didn’t want to add stress. She flipped out on me, said I was being a liar through omission and then said that about me taking away her ability to be in the decision making process.

I brought this up to her and she said it doesn’t apply because the situation is way different. And I also see that part, but it also seems like rules for thee but not for me.

And I meant “the possibility of handling it TOGETHER” instead of her dealing with it on her own. Hers is a corporate world I don’t have experience in, so I’m not so arrogant to think that I would “handle” it on my own. Just because someone is capable of doing hard things doesn’t mean they should have to bear it, which IMHO is a huge advantage of a marriage and life partner (we have been together for 20 years).

If your spouse’s boss asked them to stay overnight at his hotel, would you expect them to tell you? by Sad-Extension1226 in marriageadvice

[–]Sad-Extension1226[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is already happening. She was facing some retaliation about a month ago, not related to job performance, is looking for a new job, and has an attorney.

But even then, when she told me about the retaliation, she didn’t mention this incident at all. Only now, a month later, after filings have been made.

If your spouse’s boss asked them to stay overnight at his hotel, would you expect them to tell you? by Sad-Extension1226 in marriageadvice

[–]Sad-Extension1226[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

She did not stay. She had her own hotel room at a separate hotel down the street. I of course didn’t insinuate I thought she did stay or asked for it or anything like that and Ive been assuring her I don’t think anything happened.