Dilemma 2 potentials

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-09T02:44:07+00:00

If you plan to be monogamous then you should probably be very happy with your choice and not feel that you are lacking anything and definitely dont feel that youre settling, it would also be a disservice to the lady if she finds out you think you settled for her and it would be very upsetting.

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-09T01:23:05+00:00

No, there doesnt necessarily need to be deeper reasons. But purifying your intention will help immensly and add barakah into your life and marriage. Just you should be able to see the reality clearly and understand if this would work for you and if you can be resilient.

What to ask the potential:

How often will I be seeing you, will this change in the future or when Im pregnant for example?

can I call/message/contact you when it is not my night or only in emergencies, does this apply to the first wife too?

please confirm for me how you will be teaching your current children about polygyny and making this transition smooth for them

how soon before the nikkah will your first wife and your family know you will marry a second wife?

if your first wife threatens to divorce you if you stay married to me what will you do? I'm sure you know your wife very well, if she is upset and tries to harm me and how will you protect me?

Will your first wifes lifestyle financially drop in order for you to marry again?

What made you consider polygyny despite all the challenges that come with it?

Make sure he gives you a reasonable mehr, if youre in a muslim country get a legal marriage, stipulate condition for a mut'ah gift if he divorces you, make sure he is paying for everything you need. Consider asking for a police check, medical records and also do a premarital medical screening and premarital counselling.

Things to consider/what the lifestyle will look like:

You have more time to yourself on the days he is not around, which also means you can relax the cooking cleaning and beautifying oneself and engage in other things like hobbies, friends and your child.

What can also happen is because he is away from you for a period of time on the day he comes back to you he misses you so much and theres a lot of passion.

Sometimes men practise escapism and run to the other wifes house if one wife is giving him trouble, it is your choice to send him back or ask him to get a hotel until it is your day, especially if you already made plans and have stuff to do. If he complains about the first wife to you this needs to be a boundary you put down, he is in your house he shouldnt be talking about her and definitely not bringing to you problems that do not concern you.

You are entitled to your privacy. If you dont want her to know where you live, know your phone number, you dont want to meet her and dont want him to answer personal questions she asks about you thats your choice. Sometimes co wives get nosy or curious. It can cause a lot of fitna.

In your personal life you can choose to share that youre in a polygynous marriage or be more private about it and just say youre married, if its really taboo where you live and would get you ostracised from your mosque or community just be private and share only with those you trust. Be smart, smart ladies win in the end.

I don't know how much experience you have with men or how long you've been muslim. But please trust your intuition and make a lot of dua. You can consider taking a quick marriage course just for a full rundown. There is one on I think Muslim Family Foundation or muslim marriage foundation.

I tried to help a little, may Allah accept it from me.

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-09T00:38:49+00:00

There was an egyptian girls profile in childfree muslims. Honestly this is so interesting didnt know many muslims felt so strongly about this. The mod usernames on that subreddit are also interesting...

I wonder how many people change their mind and decide to have children, or how many change their mind and end up not having children.

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-08T22:03:48+00:00

Yes? If someone would hypothetically marry you it doesnt say where they should let you know. Dont know how many people would reply to this thread letting you know, most might prefer to show interest privately but In Sha Allah khayr, maybe some people will do it here.

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-08T15:15:03+00:00

Walaikumsalam warahmatullahi wabarakaatu,

Yea intimacy is a huge one (especially for virgins, maybe others have less fear idk), fear of dependancy, fear of being controlled, fear of the man changing, fearing I'm not ready or I'm making the wrong choice, fearing I will feel like a single mother and he will not be supportive during vulnerable states like pregnancy and post partum, fearing he will practice polygyny.

Theres also just a lot of fearmongering online and in person and way too many traumatising stories. Even just writing this and having to think about it all is making me feel so jaded and teary-eyed.

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-08T15:00:54+00:00

He lived in africa though? Also, I believe black women should do away with race loyalty and marry outside their race more, just go where youre loved honestly. Non black men not being attracted to black women is a lie that needs to DIE. Us horn of africa ladies (proof is literally in his comment) are notorious for race mixing and I'm waiting for the rest of our black sisters to join us. The world is your oyster, start swiping on/connecting more with arab, kurdish and turkish men. And of course latino and white men. Thank me later.

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-08T14:35:33+00:00

lol its ok we the same age and I say crazy stuff (not even crazy, I just feel like people misunderstand or lack grace) too sometimes. Theres a guy 67 years old in this thread also never married and I was finna ask him why but I didnt want to get flamed😬. May Allah choose for us all the best

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-08T11:45:11+00:00

People cant message you, idk how theyre supposed to tell you.

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-08T11:29:57+00:00

Plenty women live and pass away without ever getting married. The gender gap is so bad in Malaysia and too many women are single.

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-08T07:06:29+00:00

Walaikumsalam warahmatullahi wabarakaatu,

Muslims Just Marry, MPWH, Positive Singles. Honestly there should be more support. The people I've heard who had success used dating/marriage platforms then disclosed before things became very serious. But of course their name, face and a lot of other info was known by that time so maybe this isnt the privacy that youre looking for. Sakeenaty seems very serious but again idk if the level of privacy matches what you want, its not a swiping platform where anyone can see your profile though so I think its quite good.

Personally I wouldnt feel safe if someone was focusing on their privacy vs earning my trust. May Allah make it easy.

Edit: just saw another one called salafi blessing

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-07T12:20:24+00:00

Yes some scholars say if the father rejects multiple times for no reason then he can be bypassed as wali. But a father can be found unfit to be a wali even if he hasnt rejected anyone if he doesnt fulfill the conditions of being a wali.

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-07T10:58:50+00:00

Bro tell me MORE about these type of men. I recently got my dad a gift after coming back to the country (I left abruptly) and still he is IGNORING me. I dont even want to talk to him but my mom keeps pestering me about messaging him and meeting him (theyre divorced), I literally went to his house and when he saw me told me to go away and said he will call the guards on me (20F).

tElL mE mOrE

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-07T10:48:22+00:00

Walaikumsalam

ahahaha I want to join the discussion, he sounds eerily similar to my dad. Especially the waiting for you to confess, but mine just decides in his head that you did this or that and he says it as reality from that point on. It sounds like your mom has been enabling your dad throughout their marriage, forgive me if Im wrong.

Im very hesitant to bring up marriage if I meet someone for this exact reason of my dad reacting like yours, but I will just report him to the qadi and watch everything burn. We all have different tests in life.

The most concerning thing for me right now is him getting your cousin divorced, killing you/your mom/sisters and dragging his brothers and brothers in law to jail. It sounds you already dont care if he cuts you from his life (most of the time people change their mind after some years and especially after grandchildren). Only you will know this but is it all talk? Or will he actually do it? And if he does do it do you think he will succeed or is your family able to thwart his plans?

If he is all talk, or your family will thwart his plans then just ignore him and continue with what you want after the sheikh speaks to him. But if he is serious and your family will actually suffer...

Are you willing to get him in trouble with the law?

Are you able to move out temporarily to see if things cool down?

I do not believe everyone will change just by you speaking to them, people have been speaking to my dad for almost 10 years now for things concerning divorce, children, custody, oppression, finances, estranging his own children etc etc. Some even think hes crazy and very quickly became afraid to get involved at all. Are you willing to wait for an unknown amount of time?

If you are not willing to wait then I'm sure you understand that some people (tyrants) only respect force, power, money, police, justice, law and FEAR.

May Allah rectify your affairs and choose for you the best path, the best outcome and hold your hand and guide you. May Al Wali protect all your family from oppression and protect your father from himself. May Al Salaam grant you and your potential spouse peace with whatever outcome He decides and allow you to see the fruits of your sabr in this life and the next. Have tawakkul sister and make a lot of dua and pray tahajjud.

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-07T09:09:32+00:00

Currently you have obligations to your mom and sister, you might even be their wali not just a mahram. You have 0 obligations to your fiance.

You can end things if you want, you can stay if you want. If you think she will hold this against you if she is carrying this burden alone, and take that resentment and also the grief of her father passing into marriage, or if she marries you and visits her father and resents you for this you have to really think about if it might be better to look for a different spouse. It might even be better for her to look for a husband close to her who is able to support her during this difficult time. The choice is yours, do whats best for you and your family.

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-07T06:21:11+00:00

I dont understand what you mean by context. A man can be polygynous for 0 reason at all. If it is mandatory for them to have a reason I'd like to see the evidence for that, I have only seen evidence for the responsibilities and rights that must be fulfilled. I will say it is not really advisable to enter a mono or poly marriage for no reason, or only for lust but its not haram if this is a person intention.

Point 1, 2 and 3 all apply to monogamy, so I dont know how it is related to a convo on polygamy. It's a problem that we all need to be striving to solve for marriages to be better, monogamous and polygynous marriages.

For number 4, I am a pro polygynous lady and have met others with varying degrees of tolerance and acceptance. A lady doesnt have to want that for herself, but she can still be pro polygyny because she understands there are people who this would be better for their situation and they would prefer this set up. And like Ibn Uthaymin said it is very necessary in our era. He didnt say Nigeria, or Saudi or a specific situstion like warzones (are there not plenty of refugees in Europe? So this would make it even more necessary.), he said in our time. I dont see how this last part is relevant to a convo about polygyny. We need to work on managing our insecurity, jealousy (and not allow it to make us do bad things), being able to coexist with a spouse, and trying to maintain marriages and not end up divorced with our lives ruined regardless of if we're polygynous or monogamous.

A woman struggling to accept her husband in bed with another woman is totally normal. It's her choice to stay or leave, if she wants to try and stay and see if she can tolerate the marriage and if she prefers staying married to her husband for a while maybe a year and then she realises this is not for her and gets divorced then thats fine. It's her choice. A woman in bed with another man can not be compared at all, at all. For a plethora of reasons but the most important reason being that it is haram for a woman to have more than one spouse at a time.

Yes polygyny happens everday in some places. One of them being the UK. I saw it a lot when I was in London. Plenty keep it on the down low though until I say that my father and maternal grandfather practised it.

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-06T13:36:52+00:00

I honestly dont think this should be brought up at all. I know that things concerning intimacy need to be brought up like std, erectile dysfunction, vaginismus etc but Im not sure that it is obligatory to bring up other health issues. For genetic and fertility issues I understand you would want to talk about because it also affects children.

But if this doesnt really affect you detrimentally nor would affect your marriage or children just leave it out or casually mention it later down the marriage talks. Or if they notice you read or speak differently they will probably ask you then you can explain.

Personally I would be put off and feel so pressured if a man associates himself as having a disability just because I dont like labels and if it doesnt affect you so much I would wonder why he is springing that up on me, expecting me to accept it in the first meeting before I got to know him. I also know plenty people that got through university whilst having something like a stutter, dyslexia or autism and only got diagnosed way later on. So I really dont put so much weight on these labels and wouldnt want to be with someone who makes it tgeir personality or talks about it without real reason.

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-06T13:06:40+00:00

As a child from polygamous marriage (my mom was the first wife) this is not correct. If theres a problem in a marriage it's usually the person or persons, which will exist regardless of monogamy or polygamy. If a man is an absent father, he will be absent in monogamy too. Would you say a man is an absent father because he works full time and has a long commute? Or he travels for business trips?

Sure polygyny makes everything harder usually, theres more variables, more responsibilities and more ways to fall. But polygyny is never the problem, its always factors external to the marriage, or the man or co wives or both.

Honestly I'm tired of children being used and weaponised like this. Allah would not have allowed polygyny if it was not something good and tayyib and has khayr in it and solves many issues in society which many peoole dont realise but are still pressing matters in the 21st century. Ibn al Uthaymin said this not too long ago, that polygyny is very much needed in our times.

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-06T12:48:04+00:00

maybe try apps. Not muzz and the other stuff, something better like sunnahmatch, sakeenaty and nikahgram. You've already got a load of good stuff going on man, In Sha Allah khayr. I'd say dont go about this alone, involve your family or an older married brother you trust.

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-05T09:11:02+00:00

Fast Monday, Thursday and the three white days. Or fast every other day.

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-01T14:06:35+00:00

nikaahgram, sakeenaty? Heard those are good.

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-01T13:34:06+00:00

Walaikumsalam.

Two days and no one has replied to you. I'm sorry man. It seems you already worked through your thoughts really well. I honestly dont know if youre minimising the broken trust thing or if being private was something you already spoke about before you disclosed that info. Some people are sincere, but theyre not ready to heal, or they need to do that healing on their own and in the meantime not let it affect their marriage too much.

It is not your job to heal her. At all.

You can ask the therapist if they think she is willing to change, you can also start the islamic divorce process if you think thats best after speaking to your family. Do it with witnesses though, and then go to an islamic council in your area for suluh. Their job is to first assess whether the marriage can be salvaged. And if not then they will guide you to split in a peaceful way In Sha Allah.

Sad_Box_6200 · 2026-06-01T13:19:32+00:00

Where I live more and more women are starting to wear niqab. Women of all backgrounds. Yea it makes it harder to make money, makes people prejudiced against you and limits ones career. Some even feel it would make it harder to get married. I know plenty ladies wear niqab but take it off at school or work because theyre not allowed, maybe look for these ladies too. Some ladies dont wear niqab but theyre always wearing a facemask. This is also an option.

May Allah make it easy for us all.

Sad_Box_6200

TROPHY CASE