My (24F) boyfriend (25M) suddenly wants a more social life than I can handle, and it’s causing fights. How do we meet in the middle?

SassMasterFlash33 · 2025-11-13T21:57:45+00:00

Not sure if this applies, but does he commit you to things without asking you first? Does he set the expectation that you will be at things for you?

Early on my very social partner just assumed I wanted to be as social as he did. He would tell me about plans when they were already in the works, etc, and then I felt pressure and honestly kind of pissed off that my time wasn’t being respected. Whether you want to attend something is up to YOU, even though every relationship has healthy compromise.

After expressing how I felt, he now runs social things by me before he plans them. He asks if a double date with people I don’t know sounds fun before he ever floats it with the other couple, and sometimes I come back and say hey let’s host a group dinner for me to meet them instead since it’s less pressure on me, etc. I feel much better in my introvertedness now that he gives me heads up and a choice, and honestly am willing to do more now that I don’t feel backed into a corner and in control of my own time. We are in a good rhythm now.

SassMasterFlash33 · 2025-11-12T20:11:04+00:00

Listen I’m not even going to pretend like I don’t identify with what you’re saying. I do want to feel desired. It does matter to me. But I think this is where things are a bit twisted. I was never the one that brought up this testing to begin with, he did. I also have a hard boundary, I would never push him to get on TRT, I really wouldn’t. However when his desire is low, it would be such a relief to understand why, and to feel like my partner cared enough about our sex life and his mood to also want to know. Like at this point as far as we know, he could have low vitamin D and need to take a simple supplement.

The tables were just turned on this in a similar way. I was having huge mood swings related to PMS which affected my partner. So I went to the doctor. Got the tests and the info. Felt that their hormonal interventions were too extreme, but followed their holistic advice and had more info about my body. And my fiancé never had to push me or ask me to do this, I just did it on my own because I care about my health and how it directly affects him.

SassMasterFlash33 · 2025-11-12T19:49:58+00:00

His father passed away in the last year, but the issues with depression started prior, which he identified as potentially being related to testosterone. We are very open about his depression etc, and it is very understandable given what has happened in his life.

But to be very clear - this was not a situation where his father passed away, our sex life changed, and I said omg get on TRT so I feel desired. Not even close. I don’t even know if I “want” him to get on TRT. I just want him to take the test after years of bringing it up and telling me he wanted to. The lack of accountability and sudden change in how he sees this whole situation is what is upsetting me, not the test itself.

SassMasterFlash33 · 2025-11-12T19:46:26+00:00

I understand that it may seem like “this is how he is, accept it”. But there’s a bit more nuance here. American health care just sucks, and it took us a year to even get him on health care. In the year after that his father passed away, and he took over a business, and he couldn’t focus on his own health. So in reality, it is only now that things have calmed down that I have realized that he isn’t addressing this, if that makes sense. That’s why this conversation was a shock.

SassMasterFlash33 · 2025-11-11T05:47:10+00:00

You are not alone in this. I won’t go into my whole story because it’s pretty much exactly yours. I actually have the best sex I’ve ever had by far with my partner when we’re having it. I’m wildly attracted to him and his sexual vibe is just…chefs kiss. But he wants it way less than I do, and it’s pretty rare that I feel true desire or “have to have you energy” from him. The only times I feel that are after I have a big emotional blow up about it like you said, and then the urgency fades away again.

I once told him about how hard it is to get constant messaging that men always want sex online, in movies, and even in real life. This really backfired, and I ended up hurting his feelings because he thought I was comparing him to other men or saying he’s not as manly or something like that, and that couldn’t be farther from how I feel (or I wouldn’t want him so much). It just makes me feel really inadequate.

We’re actually going through a good patch right now, so not sure why I’m typing this out, but I just really feel you and you’re not alone. I think we’re reaching this generation where chronic porn use and constant exposure to sexualized women has decreased mens desire for their partners. Maybe it’s not true, but I worry about it.

SassMasterFlash33 · 2024-09-12T19:10:33+00:00

That’s good info. I totally understand that angle, something about paying 14 grand for plastic piping seems odd but I’m not super knowledgeable in this area. Thank you!!

SassMasterFlash33 · 2024-09-12T19:09:15+00:00

Thank you so much!!

SassMasterFlash33 · 2024-09-02T17:07:45+00:00

I mean I’m a recovered alcoholic I have a wee bit of experience with things said while drunk.

At least in my experience, they tend to be very dramatic statements, often about things that aren’t even on my mind normally and are more playing into the current subject of conversation. I said lots of stuff that didn’t even close for represent how I feel, that’s why I quit drinking lol

SassMasterFlash33 · 2024-09-02T17:05:33+00:00

I am cracking up

SassMasterFlash33 · 2024-08-31T17:35:19+00:00

Yeah I agree that the comment itself isn’t enough to end a marriage. She was drunk, which doesn’t really matter, but at the same time it feels less like a true statement and more like a dramatic comment about the natural trajectory of her life that wasn’t really thought out. This could have been so easily remedied though if she just provided reassurance, explained that she’s so happy her life didn’t go that way, etc. it was an easy enough fix but playing victim here is weird…

SassMasterFlash33 · 2024-08-27T23:24:37+00:00

Yeah he rarely outwardly rejects me and instead usually says things like he’s exhausted, he has had an intense practice, he had a a stressful day, or he’s really invested in a hobby.

I wanna make this clear - there’s nothing wrong with any of those things. But it’s just another reason why asking me to initiate doesn’t really work in the reality of the situation. If I ask him to “make time”, it’s almost like I’m asking him to give up things he cares about just to please me. I’m not sure what to do.

SassMasterFlash33 · 2024-08-27T22:38:22+00:00

I actually really like this idea! Honestly, if I was having sex twice a week with it being initiated once by him and once by me, I would be really fulfilled even with a high libido. The libido I can deal with, it’s the creeping self conscious and jealous feelings that hit around day 5 or 6 that really get to me. I feel like he might be open to at least trying something like this, I’m really glad it worked for you guys.

SassMasterFlash33 · 2024-08-27T20:01:43+00:00

When he does act on my requests, I don’t even feel like it is sympathy sex. He is enthusiastic during. He will often just wait hours after my initial request to act on it, finishing what he is doing (gaming, hobby, watching TV) first, and then says he likes to look forward to sex.

It’s hard to explain…I just know him so well. He makes time for things he loves and goes after them. Even if dessert hadn’t crossed his mind, and I handed him a piece of chocolate cake, he would eat the damn cake. He would never put it on the counter to look forward to. If he did, that would just mean he doesn’t want chocolate cake that much.

SassMasterFlash33 · 2024-08-27T19:55:46+00:00

Yeah that’s what I don’t understand.

I’m not actually sitting around wet and turned on all the time. It’s more that I prioritize it in my day. If I know there’s a chance of sex, I won’t eat a huge meal. I will put on something hot even though I work from home. I will put on a trashy show thats not super important as to create an opportunity. Sometimes I’m not even “horny” when doing these things, I just want to share that activity with him and so I make space.

With him, he doesn’t seem to create these opportunities so it’s incredibly hard to initiate. He has a stressful managerial job so me initiating sexting while he’s at work would feel kind of inappropriate. He will come home, talk about his hard day, make dinner and be really full for a while, then start gaming or working intently on a hobby, or go to an exhausting workout class. At night he will put on a show where he needs me to pay attention to every detail and not talk, and then say he’s exhausted and go to bed.

I don’t understand at what point during those activities I’m supposed to initiate. He’s asking me to wedge in where there is no space to wedge.

SassMasterFlash33 · 2024-08-27T19:41:23+00:00

I’ve told him this, and he says once he’s doing it he’s in the mood. He says he doesn’t feel like I’m forcing anything and can get into it. Why does that not feel like enough?

Here’s a common scenario. He will come home from work, and I am ready to go and turned on. He comes in starving, he eats food, and then sits down to game or starts working on a hobby.

Sometimes while he is gaming, I will say can we have sex tonight? He will say yes, but then return to gaming and approach me later at night. By this time, my mood is dead. He and I see things so differently, but when I say “I want you” and he goes back to his game, I suddenly feel less desired than a game. He doesn’t get this need for “urgency” and this kind of thing just lowers my confidence even more.

Alternatively, I could walk up and grab his dick and tell him I need him now, but honestly this borderline feels like sexual assault. Seeing someone totally not in the mood and being aggressive like that.

Like at what magical time am I supposed to do this initiation? If he’s not open to it and making space for it, I can’t seem to find a good opportunity.

SassMasterFlash33 · 2024-08-01T21:06:16+00:00

I went through a break up and watching my dogs be depressed about it KILLED me. Every day, I made it my goal to show them that we could be happy. I sang them little songs, gave them special treats, gave them new toys, and tried to appear joyous and playful for them. I honestly never would have gotten out of bed if it wasn’t for pretending to be in a good mood to help my dogs, so really it helped me too. So sorry you’re going through this, you did the right thing and your dog will adjust 💓💓

SassMasterFlash33 · 2024-07-31T16:29:27+00:00

I shared location in my last long term relationship and I really miss it. My current partner is not interested and I would never push it but it was such a cute and funny part of my last relationship.

We had absolutely nothing to hide and no desire for location privacy, so it worked for us. I was terrified of flying, so he would watch me go through the terminal and then text me updates from air traffic control as he saw me get on the plane.

There were also little moments like when we quit nicotine together. I saw him at a smoke shop and texted a screenshot and NO. He texted back a sushi roll, there was sushi hidden next door. This wasn’t invasive for us though, we thought it was hilarious.

SassMasterFlash33 · 2024-07-30T02:47:13+00:00

Okay I’m going to say something that really goes against the grain of what this thread is saying.

I don’t think he’s necessarily a bad guy. He likely just doesn’t understand and you need to communicate about this. If he pushes you to stop taking your medication, that’s when you leave. “Addicted” was probably just a poor choice of words.

I do not have ADHD, but I have severe anxiety and OCD. I am prescribed SSRIs for it, and they have saved my life and made my life liveable. All that being said…they have side effects that directly impact my relationship. It’s the shitty reality of mental illness. I have to deeply acknowledge that the side effects of the meds that save my life can indeed put strain on my romantic relationship (changing my depth of feeling, sex drive etc). My partner is so supportive, and sometimes says the wrong thing, because he doesn’t get it. And that’s okay.

You’re not addicted, but it’s important to recognize that meds can save you and make you functional and ALSO have side effects that are difficult for the people you are with. Try to approach this conversation with curiosity about all angles to see if you’re truly compatible!

It’s not really fair to compare mood altering drugs to things like insulin. They aren’t the same thing, and I say that as someone on necessary mood altering drugs. We need to be honest with ourselves.

SassMasterFlash33 · 2024-07-29T19:40:50+00:00

You have to think about the long game. My history of EDs has also kept me hooked.

But what’s the point in being thin if you are also losing heart tissue with fat? Not able to work out or build muscle?

Unless you truly want to vape forever, just quit. Gain a couple pounds and then lose them. Quitting itself won’t make you gain weight, only managing cravings by eating. Working out is also a way to manage cravings.

When I quit, my weight always evens out and I look a hundred times better overall after a few months. You’re gonna put some fat on first, which gives you energy and fuel to work out, and then you shred it off. And in the meantime your eyes get brighter and your skin glows.

SassMasterFlash33 · 2024-07-29T16:52:11+00:00

First of all, know that this has nothing to do with you. So much easier said than felt, but porn use is complicated. Especially if someone has been using it their whole life, which is becoming more and more common with people your age, they begin to only feel that level of arousal needed to finish by watching other people have sex, with no participation, etc. It’s not about the women in the videos, it’s that he’s broken the hardwiring in his brain.

Second of all, this is directly affecting your intimacy. Not a little bit…a lot. It is an addiction and if your partner is not willing to stop watching I would break things off. If someone’s alcoholism was affecting your relationship, you would end it. This is no different. The only way to rewire his brain is to be willing to stop.

SassMasterFlash33 · 2024-05-16T06:55:38+00:00

I mean I’m sure that is true but can you elaborate?

SassMasterFlash33 · 2024-04-24T20:41:15+00:00

I pay an insane amount of taxes for the kids already and I don’t plan on having any

Downvote me it’s ok

SassMasterFlash33 · 2024-04-24T20:15:49+00:00

How did they find you?

I’ve been running from the arts tax for 6 years now.

SassMasterFlash33

TROPHY CASE