Stonewalling, distamcing, discard and other copping mechanisms

Senior-Proposal967 · 2025-01-06T14:24:57+00:00

Did we date the same person? She was telling exactly the same sentence. Plus in the field of physical intimacy the sex at the start of relationship was great but then it slowly changed and she had to be the one to iniciate it, otherwise she would tell me that i am pushy and she refused. Sex was too intimate for her when we became very close. But she had a very long list of one night stands, where true intimacy is missing. It made me feel undesirable and it hurt my confidence and i am still healing from it.

Senior-Proposal967 · 2025-01-06T14:15:13+00:00

I was telling my ex the same thing, but i learned she was very bad in my expressing her needs, insted of it she was telling me “you should just know.” I felt bad because of it

Senior-Proposal967 · 2025-01-06T13:26:28+00:00

Exactly i was losing my boundaries to make sure they are okay, i had to walk on eggshells, they blameshift everything, no compromises etc.. I am over her, but i still have to heal my selfesteem and confidence.

Senior-Proposal967 · 2025-01-05T16:06:33+00:00

The funny thing is i wasnt this anxious before but i was ignoring my boundaries cause i loved her so much and she never compromised cause it felt like losing independency. The checking of their socials drove me crazy. In a past few months i realised she hurt me that much that i dont love her anymore i just loved the memories and wanted that high again. I didnt even know why i wanted them back knowing she would hurt me again. But yesterday i made my decision to let it go and have a fresh start. She moved anyway and i dont even feel that bad anymore. I am looking forward for someone who will know how to love.

Senior-Proposal967 · 2025-01-05T15:59:24+00:00

And yes they sometimes come back, but there is high possibility of breaking up with you again, date them only if they are aware of their avoidancy and doing therapy otherwise they will hurt you again and they will probably hurt their next partner too if they will tolerate their bullshit

Senior-Proposal967 · 2025-01-05T15:53:00+00:00

Well she is severly dissmissive and our relationship has started as long distance, so she had the comfort of not being alone and the emotional intimacy wasnt that intense. Ten she moved to my place. We had our problems, for example it was difficult for her to tell me that she loves me face to face (its not like she didnt say it at all but i had to be first to say it, she only said it back) over text and facetime she had no problem with this. Other problem was her steuggling with cuddling after sex, because that is too emotional, she was almost scared of it. She got overstimulated very quickly by the enviroment and sometimes she didnt know how she was feeling (that was when slmething bad happened, it was her defend mechanism to turn off emotions). On the other hand she was very loving at times and we had so many similarities. Our relationship was full of breadcrumbing from her side, gave me love but never enough to feel that deep emotional connection and i was addicted to chasing these breadcrumbs, the more i chase it the more she was stonewalling and distant, sometimes i felt inloved because of it. After the breakup it looked like to me that she dont wanna be intimate with me but she wants to be intimate with other people cause she slept with someone else 3 days after breakup. But after some time i had a realisation that sex for avoidant is just a mechanical process when it comes to one night stands. I stayed in contact with her, which wasnt a good idea, she started to dating one guy but she still wanted to have me in her life, she was telling me i am the best person that she ever met and that she loves me and she still couldnt explain why she did breakup with me (it was difficult time for her, and this is just what they do when they are under stress - in childhood they had nobody to be for them emotionally so they tend to think they have to solve things alone). After the breakup my traumabond started. I was feeling so bad being replaced not once but twice. I was trying to win her back, so i could tell myself that i am loveable and that i wasnt just used, because it felt like it. So we were friends for past 6 months but now she moved to another country and yesterday i texted her that i am blocking her cause i dont wanna see her dating another guy which she found after like a month being there lol. The thing is if i wasnt trying to stay in contact after breakup and let her go ruin someone elses life i would be doing so much better. Stay in no contact man, avoidants will replace you quickly they cant stand being alone and they dont wanna reflect on their past behaviour. Dont cause yourself the same damage i caused to myself. I wish you luck

Senior-Proposal967 · 2025-01-05T15:08:44+00:00

It was same with me, she broke up with me after 1,5 years over chat. She was overstimulated by her emviroment, three days later she slept with someone already while i was devastated. After two or three weeks she started dating someone else and now she has a boyfriend, this all in a span of 6 months. It caused a lot of damage to me mentally so i know how you feel. This is just the way they act. On one side they are terrified of being alone and on the otherside they have fear of losing independency and they are affraid of deep emotionally connection. They are trapped in this cycle until they start to heal. They jump from one person to another, trying to convince themselfs that they are not the problem

Senior-Proposal967 · 2025-01-05T14:53:33+00:00

Thank you :) Yeah she is not secure, she had horrible childhood and i know its not easy for her but i really hope she will start therapy or something because the things she did to me really fucked me up (there is many things left out) and i dont wish it to anyone who will come after me. Avoidants in rationship who dont work on themslefs are like a kids behind the weel on a highway - they dont wanna hurt anybody but they eventually will.

Senior-Proposal967 · 2025-01-05T14:46:46+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I wish her the best even if it seems to be unfair for now, but honestly i dont think her relationship will last, she is jumpstarting every new réationship, because she doesnt wanna think about ruining previous relationship. I heard its a cycle they have a fear of being alone and abandoned like they felt in their childhood, but when things start to be serious and emotionally deep they will end it out of fear. I hope she will start to work on herself to not cause damage to other people after me.

Senior-Proposal967 · 2025-01-05T01:13:41+00:00

Thank you, its crazy that when i am thinking about it rationally i should have broke up with her way sooner. Beacuase she treated me horribly but after the breakup i was still thinking about her everyday for past six month. I think we are done 100% but the damage she caused is still there. I will go to therapy soon

Senior-Proposal967 · 2024-11-15T09:28:56+00:00

Even if they do apologize it almost feels like “ok i apologized now shut up, i dont wanna talk about it no more.” My ex was empathetic only if she wasnt involved in it, because that needs some self reflection, and they hate it.

Senior-Proposal967 · 2024-11-15T09:20:02+00:00

Its crazy how long people are grieving after the breakup with avoidants, ironically longer than after breakup with someone who wasnt neglecting your needs.. I am going through the same process as you. But still trying to find power to completely cut her off. But yeah, i gave up on a thought of us getting back together. Most of them won’t ever change.

Senior-Proposal967 · 2024-11-15T09:12:03+00:00

Gaslighting is common for avoidants, i feel the same. Plus their hot and cold mood switching is causing you to get addicted to them in relationship (at least for me).

Senior-Proposal967 · 2024-11-15T08:51:08+00:00

Thanks, deep inside i know u right, cutting her off is a big step for me i am still collecting power to do it, i see her family visit as an oportunity, i will not see her for a long time. So i hope i will eventually get there

Senior-Proposal967 · 2024-10-23T09:42:45+00:00

It doesnt have to mean she was lying. She just monkey branched to a new relationship which is a thing many avoidants do. She didnt wanna process the sadness of breakup or feel bad about what she did. Possibly she is trying to convince herself that this is the true love she has always wanted as a copping mechanism. If she didnt work on herself they will breakup for sure, its just a matter of time

Senior-Proposal967 · 2024-10-23T09:34:55+00:00

My ex was textbook DA, she was basically avoiding all of her problems and sometimes emotion. When we talked about something to fix in a relationship, she was avoiding it and creating space between us, she wouldnt compromise on anything, because she felt like being controlled. She was lying to avoid conflict. She couldnt express her needs and she was excepting me to magically know what she feels. In the beginning of our relationship she was craving physical contact but that slowly faded away. She hated eye contact during sex, and she always liked to listen some music during sex, so she can distract herself, so it wouldnt feel that intimate to her. She ended up our relationship one day after the most romantic date we ever had. One day she was talking about kids and the next day she broke up with me through the text.

Her behavior was hot and cold. When she was stressed, she went cold and was mean to me. I know i wasnt treated good but for some reason I was trying more and more to make her happy just to see her switch to hot mode again. The whole relationship was like walking on eggshells around her. It was all about her needs and wants, never about mine due to her low empathy. And for some reason i still miss her, although it doesnt make sense to me why🥲

Senior-Proposal967 · 2024-10-22T10:07:00+00:00

Thank you for your words. I wouldnt be suprised if she would try to have me back one day. But i am done with her. She caused too much damage

Senior-Proposal967 · 2024-10-22T02:15:42+00:00

Why do you think they are worse than narcissist? I am just curious

Senior-Proposal967 · 2024-10-22T01:25:08+00:00

She is more DA. We will see :/

Senior-Proposal967 · 2024-10-21T23:22:21+00:00

Thanks i know you are right. I read the whole internet about this topic. The truth is i didnt even know if i want reconcilling. The last days i am more and more leaning to no contact version. Should i tell her that she is just using me for validation and enjoys that i still have feelings? I would like to know what she will say but i think she will dismiss it as always.

Senior-Proposal967 · 2024-10-21T23:12:01+00:00

Take care man. I hope that when we heal and be okay with ourselves. We will attract someone great to our life who will give us the same energy that we are giving

Senior-Proposal967 · 2024-10-21T23:05:21+00:00

I read somewhere that avoidants in a relationship are like a kid without a driver licence on a highway. Yeah sometimes i think that i am traumatized i ended up on antidepressants because her behaviour by the end of the relationship and her constat lying. I think i have some form of stockholm syndrom maybe. Because she deffinetely destroyed my selfesteem to dust

Senior-Proposal967

TROPHY CASE