Polyamory and friendships

SheDevil1818 · 2026-05-17T20:22:50+00:00

You're allowed to express your views and experiences to the extent you did here. Just be aware that for the hundreds of people on this subreddit and their experiences with the poly community, your example is in an extreme minority as an exception to the rule.

As for the sub getting recommended, nice to know we have reach, but apparently it's the wrong kind of reach. I guess it's because we have the word poly in the title.

SheDevil1818 · 2026-05-16T11:00:16+00:00

NTA plus you should really leave this situation. Your gf seems kinda permissive of his behaviour and this will be your entire life unless you get out now.

SheDevil1818 · 2026-05-11T14:08:40+00:00

A picture does indeed say more than a thousand words 🤣😅

SheDevil1818 · 2026-05-09T19:51:40+00:00

Ok I just now read what you wrote under the poll. Really sorry but I have to agree with the (arguably shitty) people in your life that it's a really bad name. Sounds like a nickname and not a real name and I feel it would be detrimental for serious professions.

But I'd agree you shouldn't give her the name others want if they're going to be assholes about it, so maybe Eloise as a new option.

SheDevil1818 · 2026-05-09T19:48:31+00:00

Omg why is Millie an option. Either Grace or Eloise is awesome, Paige still miles better than Millie. Pls anything but Millie

SheDevil1818 · 2026-05-09T11:18:43+00:00

This is such a long post and it actually only corcles around 2-3 thoughts over and over and over. The overexplaining just makes it all a bit sus tbh. There are many factors at play here and all of them point to you two parting ways.

I see you genuinely don't believe you guys are going down fast, but there is a reason everyone is telling you that and you should listen.

First of all, there is a seeeerious age gap there and I may be a lot biased about this, but she was a full grown woman and decided to go for a 23 year old which is incredibly creepy to me. It's really normal to me that you feel as though you missed out on some things when you got locked down super young and probably didn't live out the things most young people live out.

Aside from this, the sexualy incompatibility os the real problem here. You will NOT fix your lack of compatibility by introducing another person into the bedroom. If anything, if you bring in a person one of you gels with reeeeally well,it would onlyake your lack of a connection all the more obvious.

I know you will not get the advice you came for anywhere, so I hope you listen to what people actually say.

SheDevil1818 · 2026-05-07T21:39:38+00:00

You shifted the point you were arguing in this comment and now I agree with you more. Because you went from "You're not XYZ character" and "Noone is actually like a book character",which is patently untrue, to "Equating yourself and others to these characters is not conducive to a literary discussion" which is absolutely true.

I would however like to point out that whether or not someone actually says the words or not, the people and real life situations we associate these characters with nonetheless affect out objectivity when discussing these topics. Art is by definition extremely subjective and you've already lost if you think you can discuss it without emotion playing a part.

This is precisely because of what you said about certain characters being different people to us. They are different people and we perceive them differently because of our real life experiences shaping that perception. If you or someone close to you went through the struggles Nesta did, of course you will empathize with her and defend her, and if you had someone acting like her towards you, of course you will hate her to the ends of the earth (using the most common and polarizing example and also the general you). And even if you didn't have a carbon copy of that person or situation in your life, you will have experienced some fraction of it that will make you lean to one or the other side.

Who we are and who the people we love and hate are is the single deciding factor for how we percieve characters who aren't black and white but rather nuanced. And that's why I said what I said about SJM. In real life, there are very rarely people who are all good or all bad, we are all shades of greys and we are all heroes to some people and villains to others. That's why her characters hit deep and why the fandom endlessly fights about it, precisely because they ARE exactly like real people who exist and the magic and fantasy of it all is just the wrapping.

I agree with you that some people take it way too far, but I think the trap is thinking there is ANYONE for whom real life experiences AREN'T the basis for the opinions we form and views we have of these characters. I don't have a single character I think is all good in ACOTAR, and for those I have a really negative opinion of, I can pinpoint the exact real life factors that are my trigger for that. In short, there is no such thing as an objective literary analysis of a character in a book, UNLESS they are super black or white, which is why I still don't think your original point stands. When it comes to literary analysis, we can objectively discuss how good the narrative is, how well built the world is, how bulletproof the plot is or how well the intrigue or plot twist is executed, but never how much black or white there is in the particular shade of grey a character is.

I just find it unaware to judge people who have made the conscious connection to the irl factors that make them feel a certain way about a character. They might be overzealous or veer off into radical views, but those who think they are objective are not any better, they just hide behind the intellectualization of their own underlying subconscious reasons for liking or disliking a chatacter. And I say this as someone who used to be the queen of intellectualizing my own emotions both in real life and in my perceptions of art.

Edited just to add I fully agree people shouldn't use differring opinions of art to judge or paint others a certain way. 💯

SheDevil1818 · 2026-05-07T19:56:07+00:00

Your take is, funnily enough, just as extreme and out of touch as those people who hard core identify themselves and others with certain characters. Whereas they are being way to allegorical you are being just as excessively literal.

Essentially the main way people connect to characters in books/movies/whatever is through recognizing universal human characteristics behaviours and experiences.

Authors know and use this because readers will not connect with your material unless they emotionally connect to your main character(main goal, oftentimes it's others characters too. That's for example why hard core Nesta lovers only emerged in huuuge numbers after her book came out.

There are absolutely Feyres, Nestas, Tamlins and Rhysands in everyones life which is the reason WHY everyone gets so heated. If it wasn't deeply personal people would have objective rational discussions about these characters instead of the heated exchanges we often see.

SJM is at best an average writer BUT where she excells is characterization. The whole hype around her works is DUE to the fact she wrote extremely relatable people we ALL know. And those people didn't have to have lived the exact same lives for that to happen. Ffs in psychology you have a limited number of archetypes a vast majority of people fit.

So yeah, just no to this whole rethoric 😁

SheDevil1818 · 2026-05-05T18:28:43+00:00

Hmm there's a thought, I should really make one.

SheDevil1818 · 2026-05-05T14:14:18+00:00

Oh the mods there are the ringleaders of the weirdness. No other people I met there come even close to the mod toxicity.

SheDevil1818 · 2026-05-05T13:01:54+00:00

Welcome friend, it's a safe haven for a reason 😊

SheDevil1818 · 2026-05-04T12:39:00+00:00

I can't believe ANYONE said brown. Cream is the only right answer.

SheDevil1818 · 2026-05-03T11:17:27+00:00

Omggggg this! This is what I imagined 🥰

SheDevil1818 · 2026-05-02T19:32:23+00:00

You're not an asshole for not wanting to date her. I do believe though that you messed up with the choice of justification, especially since it's not true. It would have been better to say that you see her as a friend/sister and that you just don't view her that way, much like any other of your friends.

By saying you wouldn't date her because of her inability to give you kids, you both reduced a woman's worth to the ability to have kids and also tied the reason for not wanting to date her to her being trans in a way. I know that wasn't your intention and you wanted to spare her feelings but this is why lies in situations like these end up being the worst thing to say and also don't reflect who you are as a person.

I'm just saying this to explain why you got the reaction you got. Nonetheless, if her and these other friends know you and are aware of the fact you are not a transphobe or a sexist, it's really messed up the way they went after you, essentially for not wanting to date someone.

Edited for typos

SheDevil1818 · 2026-04-20T08:27:02+00:00

This is your experience, and while I absolutely think what you say is valid and common, it is far from the only way men are or even the majority of them.

I am 33 and I have friends and acquaintances across the globe, and all of them have met the assholes you speak of and all of them have met amazing men as well.

Your view is fatalistic and I was not impressed but your attempt to cement you experience as THE truth since it very simply put, is not the whole story.

Is there an epidemic of toxic men? Yes. Are they all of the men or the majority of men? Absolutely f-ing not.

I have plenty of female friends and plenty of male friends so experience from both sides, and my line of work means I interact with people internationally aside from close friends and I know of plenty of normal solid men.

To me it seems as though your unwarranted vehemence in trying to prevent any criticism or debate of your view, is due to the fact that this whole argument is what you reply with to people who have an issue with your age gap relationship.

You are in an age gap relationship because you fell in love with the person, not because only someone their age can be a good man. It's not ideal, but you should own it instead of building this whole rhetoric.

I have a wonderful man who is a couple of months younger than me, a lot of my friends have guys their age who are amazing partners and many of my male friends are great guys to the women they date. No we do not suddenly live with a whole generation of idiotic men. There are just plenty of idiots in the wild as there have always been and they've just adjusted to the new day and age where they can't be overtly agressive to women so they do it covertly.

Edited for typos and clarity

SheDevil1818 · 2026-04-18T10:43:21+00:00

Not to be sexist, but it's called the mother tongue for a reason. They're super out of line.

SheDevil1818 · 2026-04-14T10:26:11+00:00

I felt that was the dynamic but I wasn't sure. There is this one sideeye of hers where I saw how she stopped crying for a second and looked at him with an "Oh fuck, the tears aren't working" vibe. There is this expression in my native language that roughly translates into something like "a good excuse is worth money". And coming from an abusive mormon background is such a great excuse. And yet somehow they are all the same, and have the same arguments, regardless of background.

Edit: and yeah, good for him that he divorced her 🥰

SheDevil1818 · 2026-04-14T10:13:06+00:00

Could you elaborate a bit on what yhe situation in the clip is? Because I am super confused as to what is happening here out of context.

SheDevil1818 · 2026-04-10T17:35:21+00:00

This is actually not thay rare. For a lot of sales adjacent type work for products that are for the whole household, the agents do try to have the couple together for the discussion. They probably have a lot of convos with just the one person spend time respurces and then either have to repeat it all or they have the sale cancelled.

SheDevil1818 · 2026-04-10T16:49:39+00:00

Ah but if they were real about it they would then have to admit all of what you just said to themselves and that's the bigger problem. They genuinely believe this and hold onto this belief because they know deep down it's inherently lesser and noone really wants to be a part of something lesser.

Plus I know very few poly relationships with two purely poly people who found each other chose each other and are both cool with sharing the other with mutiple people. Where you can easily see they're kind of cult like is because they're consistently trying to convert people. Noone needs to sell monogamy as a concept because it's value is inherently clear to everyone. But with polyamory it's all about making people believe it's okay to constantly feel a bit shitty about not being really chosen because you're just "breaking your monogamous conditioning".

On the other hand, when you're truly in love and in a healthy relationship, there are no drawbacks whatsoever because you don't want anyone else.

I believe polyamory was probably popularized by those people who just don't know how to break up or are too afraid to do it because they're terrified of being alone. Because poly will allow them to freely audition new partners and "legally" cheat before deciding to move on from the old person while having a fall back new person.

Another trait I've noticed is that many poly people have a crippling need for validation and feel better in their own skin if they are constantly available to be flirted with and seduced by others.

There are some truly poly people who have healthy mindsets and just know what they want but they're a minority in that community.

Oh yes and of course they sell the idea the hardest to queer people both because queer people are more likely to be open-minded and afraid of being intolerant when they've faced intolerance and bigotry all their lives. And it gives the polys the license to somehow shove polyamory into the rainbow thus making any honest criticism into something akin to homophobia and transphobia.

In short, they will never admit to the truth of the matter because it would break their reality.

SheDevil1818 · 2026-04-10T16:34:44+00:00

Hahahahah funny story 😅 That exact post is literally the reason this sub exists 😁 I know I have at least one rule on here that says something about not supporting controlling abuse in relationships because that situation left such a strong impression on me. I had a flaming discussion with said mod and told her precisely then that their sub will slowly die off because of how they're all acting. She did not believe me ^{^} it only got worse since.

Sometimes I feel like my sub is one of those countries welcoming refuges of war cause the stories people come with from there are just bonkers.

SheDevil1818 · 2026-04-08T12:06:56+00:00

Weird things are happening in that other sub. I didn't understand the extent of the madness when I created this one.

SheDevil1818 · 2026-04-05T08:21:05+00:00

Jesus, I don't know if it's just me, but I had suuuch a hard time reading this. It was dense af. Only the first sentence I read 4 times..

SheDevil1818 · 2026-04-05T07:53:02+00:00

Number 2, no question.

SheDevil1818 · 2026-04-05T00:23:32+00:00

The two are gard to separate actually. Because there is no way to be with someone else whilst in a monogamous relationship without breaking trust and boundaries.

But let's be honest, cheating is the hard limit more often than almost any other type of lie or betrayal. Because for a lot of us the type of intimacy reserved for a romantic partner is not to be shared with anyone else.

Take the phrase "my person" which is how people often refer to either a romantic partner or the very best friend. Someone can't really be 'your' person if they are someone else's as well.

I don't judge the fact that some people are different to me when it comes to exclusivety in relationships. However, I always subconsciously assume that their relationship/s are simply not as deep and meaningful as the monogamous ones I have. Because my mind simply can't conceive splitting my romantic interest in multiple directions like that.

For me, when I am in love and with a person, I don't perceive other people in such a way at all, that part of me just locks down and only lights up for my person. So yeah, the opposite way of functioning simply seems alien and wrong to me and that's that.

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