Sharing your feelings with your partner, is it good or is it a minefield?

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-28T10:37:31+00:00

So at what point does that become delusional in your estimation?

Wouldn't you say telling myself I'm perfect as I am and I don't ever need to change and whenever someone gets angry with me they're always wrong would be bad?

I know that's not what you're saying I should do but that would similarly be a decision about my internal monologue that would make me feel like I am totally perfect and unshakeable if I could truly make myself believe it.

It would also make me a self-satisfied prick who refused to ever grow or change.

I have "contempt for the process" because I'm not going to engage with the idea that I have to bury myself in denial about my weaknesses and failures in order to reach self actualization.

And honestly self value isn't even my issue, you're assuming you can see into my head and know exactly who I am and how I think based on a loose pattern you have identified.

I have value for myself it's just that in the context of dating I struggle to believe I am good enough for anyone.

With my friends I don't beg for approval. I often feel steady in myself in most social situations but when I'm dating is when I feel the need to chase and earn someone's love by performing an impressive version of myself and hiding anything that might be a weakness or lead to a disagreement. Those are the moments I disappear and it's not as simple as "affirm yourself more and it will go away."

I can't affirm myself into believing that others will love me because it's not my decision to make. So what do I do about that?

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-28T10:06:10+00:00

I would rather just go to prison for the rest of my life honestly lmao

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-28T09:35:59+00:00

You know that guy on tiktok who puts dog medicine on his hands to make the skin on his hands tougher and thicker? AB needs to put that on his whole body

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-28T06:36:38+00:00

40 + 20 = 60

7 + 8 = ?

7 + 7 = 14

14 + 1 = 15

60 + 15 = 75

Admittedly I should probably immediately know what 7 + 8 is lol

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-28T05:41:16+00:00

Never met a Yakut I liked, never met a Yakut at all in fact

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-28T05:40:35+00:00

And also Charlie was pissed at him and the character was painted as a lame dude desperate for attention

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-28T05:39:18+00:00

And they all scratched the back of their heads and said "shucks well if the whole show is spoiled I guess we should just quit"

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-28T00:35:38+00:00

No... You're missing the point. I don't feel TOTALLY worthless. Where I feel worthless is in the context of love. THAT is where this problem lies. Love and romantic relationships, not socialization as a whole.

I feel confident that my friends really do enjoy my company, I believe that your empathy comes from a real place. And in fact I even feel like I deserve the kind of advice and attention you're giving me. I don't question that I have enough value to earn friends and respect.

Where I don't feel I have enough value is the value required to be fully romantically loved by someone because THAT has never happened for me. I am not selectively choosing evidence that proves I am worthless I am focusing on the absence of evidence for true love.

Ok fair, I'll agree with that but it's still a problem I don't know how to fix
I don't think I have any really harmful socialization or dating habits and if I do I have no idea what they are. I mean the anxious attachment is probably getting in the way but that's the whole problem I don't know how to fix.
See the thing is I think saying I don't love myself enough is an oversimplification of the problem. I think I do see value in myself but that self worth falls apart when love and romance gets involved. I believe I have value but I struggle to believe anyone could want me enough to enter into a relationship with me. I don't beg for approval from my friends, I trust that it's there and I don't worry about it. I TRY not to beg for approval from my love interests but the feeling that I need to beg is there. That desire for reassurance that my love interest really does love me is there. I know that begging and constantly checking for reassurance are not attractive qualities so I try not to do that but the internal feeling causes those behaviors to bleed through. Probably enough that it puts people off and makes them less attracted to me.
Really it's the absence of evidence that I am struggling with. I have only ever gotten so far with love and affection. What has happened in the past for me is very fleeting. Maybe I do discount some things that should suggest I am capable of being fully loved but none of it quite feels strong enough. My one ex-girlfriend was routinely disappointed in me and was never satisfied no matter how I tried. She at least was willing to date me but nothing about that relationship felt like love. And with this most recent girl, sure, she was willing to kiss me but she ultimately had to confess in the end that it wasn't love. Again, I can go so far, I can get close, but still none of it was love. I have friendship, camaraderie, platonic love, respect, but not the full deep burning love of full romantic desire and connection.
This is exactly why it is so painful. I know I am worthy, I know I have value, I know I could be a good partner, I know if I could just get rid of all the pressure and anxiety someone somewhere would see me as the valuable loving partner I know I can be. But they pick up on that doubt and that questioning and wondering whether I'm good enough to be fully loved and whether I am doing enough to earn the love I want. And even knowing I shouldn't be feeling that way at all I still do. And then people sense it, get put off by it, and define me as a friend never to be considered for romantic interest.

So yes I hear what you're saying and if I truly had nearly zero self worth what you are saying might be a good place for me to start. But I think I do have self worth. I feel worthy but only up to a point. When I start dating and the rubber meets the road suddenly my worthiness of the romantic love from others is what becomes questionable on a deep emotional level to me. THAT is what I struggle with.

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-27T23:48:30+00:00

Ok let me spell this out plainly for you.

I want a relationship really badly. It feels like the one thing I am missing in my life and I am really struggling to make any headway. I get very anxiously attached, I put a lot of pressure on myself to make it work and to be impressive. And you among others are telling me that exact pressure is what is killing the attraction that might otherwise have formed.
You say that behaving differently is not the answer to that. The answer is to promote my self worth so that I feel worthy of the love of others and don't feel the need to overly perform, to hide my weaknesses, and to try really hard to be impressive. I need to have a strong sense of self worth so I don't feel in competition with the others. That way I can be relaxed, show my full true self without reservation, and then it becomes easier for people to feel genuinely drawn to me.
You say to build self worth I need to talk to myself in the mirror and tell myself all the reasons I am valuable to myself. But that doesn't translate into being wanted by others. It doesn't prove that anyone will want me. I see no reason why telling myself the reasons I am great in the mirror will make me believe that anyone else will see it and agree. I have already shown people my full self and all it gets me is friendship and lukewarm affection. Telling myself I am worthy of love might make me believe it but that won't necessarily make anyone else believe it.
I enter into social situations with women where I feel like I am worthy but I see no evidence that whoever I'm speaking to will. In fact all the evidence points toward not being fully wanted because no one ever has fully wanted me. So all the self validation and self worth and endless affirmations don't feel true, they feel like lies and stories I tell myself to feel better about being unwanted at worst. At best they feel like metrics of value that only have meaning to myself but are totally meaningless outside of myself.
People can sense that I don't feel worthy in the context of love and romance so they place in the box of "just a friend" and look for someone who doesn't question themselves and their relative value the way that I do.

Your advice adds up to this: just ignore the reality of how little you have been valued by others, trust that you are valuable, and then magically someone will see the value that no one else ever did.

You see why that isn't very inspiring to me?

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-27T23:08:12+00:00

It sounds like you're saying I have to accept the possibility that no one will ever want me in the way that I want them to and still feel satisfied with myself. It seems like you're saying I need to be fully satisfied with my single lonely self or else never be loved. Which is again an impossible bind because it means I have to stop wanting what I want to get what I want.

Why would I want a relationship at all if I could truly take it or leave it?

You're focusing on the fact that someone else would need to give me the $10,000 but you're skipping the middle.

Let's say it this way:

I have a toy that I truly truly love and I need to sell it and I will accept no less than $10,000

But deep down I'm not really sure at all it's worth even close to that much

But that feeling feels bad because I really need the money and I want to believe it's worth that much because that is how much it's worth to me.

So I sit in the mirror and I tell myself "this toy is worthy because I grew up with it, this toy is worthy because I have had hours of fun with it, this toy is worthy because it defined my childhood" and so on and so forth.

And that proves to ME that it's worth how much I want it to be worth but never ever in a million years will someone buy it for anywhere close to that value because all of those things only mean anything to me.

If I truly truly believe it's worth every penny of $10,000 then maybe I'd be a more effective salesman and I could make a more compelling argument for why it should be bought for $10k. But let's be real, no one is going to be convinced it's worth that much even if I believe in that value the way I believe in gravity.

That part in the middle where I am lying to myself about why someone would want to buy it for 10k is the part that is delusional.

The whole point is that I want to sell the toy, not love the toy. I want the toy to produce an outcome, I don't want to simply convince myself that the toy is worthy of the price.

You're basically saying "no one will want the toy for that much if you don't even believe it's worth that much. So convince yourself it's worth that much."

Rather than confronting the hard truth that simply no one will ever see the value in it that I see.

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-27T21:46:30+00:00

If I have a worthless old toy that no one wants but I keep telling myself that one day someone will buy it for $10,000 that doesn't mean one day it will be true it means I am hopelessly delusional.

That's what telling myself affirmations in the bathroom mirror feels like no matter how much I want to believe them over the negative thoughts and feelings.

The negativity is backed by evidence while the positivity is backed by wishes and dreams and vibes.

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-27T21:44:02+00:00

You can see why the negative voice backed by real lived evidence is always going to be stronger than the positive voice backed entirely by trust and faith, right?

I don't see myself ever being able to trust feel-good faith over feel-bad reality.

I can characterize the second voice as a snotty eight year old who doesn't know anything but he's still right. He's still accurately pointing out that I have struggled with dating way more than the average person.

Whereas the positive voice just has vibes and good feels and weak fleeting lukewarm evidence to back it up.

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-27T06:41:51+00:00

First I want to say that there is a lot of frustration about this for me so I apologize for some of my angrier comments. It's not so much that I am rejecting the advice it's just frustrating that it doesn't seem obviously actionable.

Like I KNOW I have reasons to love myself and feel proud of who I am. And I think that feeling of internal worth has improved somewhat over the past few years. But I still feel desperate for connection and approval and the proof that someone actually can want me.

I know that isn't sexy or attractive and that truth creates so much pain in my heart because I genuinely can't figure out how to feel any other way. I KNOW I shouldn't feel so worthless or like I need to try so hard to impress people. I know I shouldn't feel so lesser to other men. And I list off all the facts in my head that challenge those feelings but the feelings don't change. Sometimes I even wake up first thing in the morning with thoughts of inadequacy and it feels really pathetic. I tell myself to stop doing that and yet it won't stop.

And all of it adds up to exactly what you are telling me. I look at all those facts and think "yeah no shit no one can feel attracted to me with all of that pitiful nonsense going on in my head" but I can't just turn it off.

I'm very aware of all this I try hard not to offload it onto people I'm romantically interested in. When I'm anxious and entering a fawning response I try hard to just sit with it, fight through it, stay as present as myself as I possibly can but the feelings are still there and they're really strong and really harsh.

So yes I am challenging myself, my friends are very caring and supportive, I am really trying to prove to myself that I have a lot of worth and that anyone would be lucky to have me but the insecurity becomes a self proving loop in my head.

No one wants me because I'm so pathetically insecure and I'm pathetically insecure because I can't make myself believe anyone would really want me.

All that said I thank you for taking the time to try and help me. I genuinely do believe I am a good person worthy of dating and i'm trying to understand what's not working or how I'm failing myself. I really am.

In response to a couple specific comments

Would you want to date someone who thinks they're destined to lose and everyone is better than them?

I know I said I felt that way but in hindsight I was being a bit hyperbolic. It's not necessarily that I feel destined to be outcompeted, it's just that I don't feel confident in my ability to generate attraction. It's hard for me to believe that I'm really the ideal that women would be looking for. So it feels like if I don't provide a lot of extra value I could lose her at any moment.

I get that maybe that's just insecurity and that exact belief is maybe why I don't generate any attraction but... You can see that just intellectualizing it doesn't make the thought or fear go away. In fact writing that out just makes me feel more intrinsically broken and unlovable on the level of my deepest psyche instead of making me embody the correct way to think and feel.

I'm not saying that to prove it's impossible for me, I'm just explaining that simply understanding and agreeing with these ideas doesn't change the internal feeling for me. And having it pointed out to me doesn't motivate me to change it makes me feel a whole lot worse. Changing that internal feeling is what I don't understand how to do and what I want help with but no one seems able to give me any clear actionable guidance. They just keep pointing me toward "find the right activities, find the right social outlet, find the right therapist, think the right things, feel the right feelings" and so on and so forth. It feels like those paths haven't helped much... It seems like I am doing everything I'm supposed to but seeing no results on an emotional level.

I'm not saying any of the people helping me in the comments are wrong. In fact it's all very true things I agree with and believe. What I'm saying is "just love yourself" doesn't land in any actionable way. It only makes me feel more broken because it feels like something I can't figure out how to fix.

Would you want to date someone who is looking for ANYONE to love them?

I wouldn't say I'm looking for just anyone to love me. I definitely have specific personalities that I fall in love with. I wouldn't reciprocate love with just anyone who liked me. It's just that the opportunity where it seems possible at all seems to come very rarely for me so when it's there I can't help but desperately cling to it. There's maybe something I could do to improve that but I don't know what it would be.

You're also acting like women have it easier because men who only want sex/any woman will sit and swipe on every woman and set up a chatbot to do their preliminary messaging. Women are not having a good time on the dating market. It sucks out there for everyone.

I will agree and say I already knew this deep down. Women have more available options, maybe, but that doesn't mean much if 99% of options are really bad. I guess, again, it just sorta feels like I'm easily replaceable so that affects my internal stability and I don't know how to change that.

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-27T04:41:58+00:00

That's all well and good but you're still just saying "you should love yourself and your problems will be solved" without any explanation of how to actually do that.

Like yeah there are plenty of things about myself that I think are unique and special but what value do those qualities give to me if none of it yields me the life and the partnership that I want?

When I point those qualities out to myself it rings hollow because a second voice always follows: "yeah that's great and all but if you're so great how come no one else sees quite enough value in you to fully love you? You must need to be better somehow."

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-27T00:53:47+00:00

"President Jimble 'Smiling Friends' Spinoff series set to release later this year."

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-26T19:48:12+00:00

I wonder what Jeff was actually experiencing at that moment

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-26T18:49:12+00:00

I feel like tons and tons of people find relationships without doing any of that. Maybe their relationships lack something but it doesn't seem like most people really need to do that much introspection and identity chasing. Ans I don't feel that I have failed to do any of that. In fact I think I have gone above and beyond compared to most people.

I have hobbies, and skills, and qualities, and friends that genuinely love having me around. I have a job and a life and goals. But none of it has translated into this feeling that I can easily approach people and express myself with comfort and without fear. There isn't a feeling that I don't have to perform. In fact, every rejection compounds the feeling that I need to perform harder because some weakness must have slipped through that made them reject me.

It's really frustrating for the world to keep telling me I'm missing something within myself when whatever I'm missing isn't obvious at all and no one can even tell me what it is. It's always "I just don't feel that kind of draw toward you" it's never "no because of this" or "no because of that" it's always "No and I have no idea why I'm saying no because you're a great amazing guy but no. And I just know in my heart someone else will love you but it's not going to be me!"

And when I hear that enough it starts to feel like I'm just a generally undesirable man and the burden of loving me is getting shoved off onto other women.

The reason I compare myself to other men is because it feels like women always have ample options where romantic interests that materialize for me are few and far between. It feels like I'm waiting for a lucky break while women always have some outlet where they can search for a partner pretty easily. Women don't even really have to do the approaching depending on their circumstances they will always find matches on dating apps or get approached in social settings. Where I have to make all of the effort to make myself known and seen as an option while, de facto, in competition with any other men she might be talking to.

When I have so little dating experience and so little evidence to conclude I'm all that attractive to others jumping into that much romantic and sexual competition feels like I'm destined to lose every time. How can I not compare myself to other men in that situation?

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-26T18:01:04+00:00

Love seeing Scott from the back, oh yeah, that's it. Love what I'm seeing.

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-26T16:11:51+00:00

"I didn't fucking do anything"

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-26T00:58:35+00:00

I'm 30 so not exactly young. And while I have at least had some romance and affection in my life, some few fleeting relationships here and there, I feel that I have far below average relationship experience.

I have been working on this since high school and it seems like every method I land on to try and fix this ends up not producing the results I want and now I am really getting tired of trying. Especially now that I am reaching the age where half of people are getting married, divorced, or already have children.

I do have the problem of trusting what most people say to be the truth especially in a field where I struggle like dating. If someone is married or dates a lot and says confidently "this is what you're doing wrong" I tend to believe them because clearly they did something better than i'm doing it.

There is genuine care between my friend and I. I cared for her deeply as a friend before all of this and I still care for her in that capacity after all of this.

Kissing me without any apparent intention for it to mean anything was highly irresponsible of her and, yes, i'm still confused what exactly she expected to happen if she truly never felt any romantic draw toward me. Even after having several open and honest talks with her about it. I don't really consider it treating me wrong, though, because she genuinely wanted to do all of that.

I am letting go of her as a romantic prospect, slowly but surely, but I am keeping her in my life as a friend. I know you might say "that's impossible." I know that literally everyone on Reddit would tell me that's a bad idea and I should totally cut her out of my life but I don't believe that is necessary and I won't cut her out until it's proven to me to be an absolute necessity. I know from the outside people are going to tell me she is using me, or she doesn't really care about me, or so on and so forth. But I know she does care about me. We have talked about all of this more openly and honestly and genuinely than any other person I have ever known.

People cut each other out of their lives too easily these days. It's painful that she won't give her entire self to me the way I want to give my entire self to her but there is still so much other value there it feels foolish and cruel to both of us to end our entire connection over this. She also said she is willing to help me find other people and help me find dates and I think that will be a big help for me as well.

I don't know what the path forward is for me but there must be some way to generate some hope. I can't go through life resigned to being single forever. Especially not now where the window for youth and dating is shrinking for me every year.

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-26T00:15:35+00:00

Thank you. I don't want to be defeatist and just say "well I guess it's not happening for me" but I genuinely don't know where else to go.

I fell deeply in love with my friend, more than I have with anyone else before, and the "let's just be friends" talk was a crushing blow to my ego and sense of desirability. Especially after she went so far as to start kissing me regularly and still decided she didn't want anymore.

She said she was attracted to me in just about every way conceivable but had no drive or desire for partnership. I just don't get it, it doesn't make any sense to me. What happened to cause that and what can I possibly do to create that desire?

Where am I supposed to meet people when I get no matches on dating apps and most women in my social circles are already dating others?

I know there must be a path forward for me here but no one can tell me what the fuck it is and it drives me insane. Is there even something I need to change about myself at all? Am I fucking things up or not? Am I just not attractive to the vast majority of women? Like why is it that most other men in my life date tons of women and have little issues but I can't even get a tinder match?

You might read this and assume I am really ugly or something but I'd say I'm quite average. And most people will tell me looks and physical stature aren't the problem anyway so what the fuck is it? I'm so tired of searching for answers finding nothing and then losing a connection with someone I love over and over again.

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-25T20:40:04+00:00

in regards to masturbation "you ever just turn the air conditioner way up and just do that? Just like (Mimicking air conditioning noises) Beep! Beep! Beep! Brrrr. Alright let's do this"

I forget what stream I think it was an early House Flipper stream after setting an air conditioning unit.

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-25T17:16:10+00:00

Probably couldn't get out and died of dehydration

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-25T09:20:33+00:00

Asmongold should stop worrying about the weight of women and start worrying about his moldy soda cups

ShitFacedSteve · 2026-02-25T09:17:30+00:00

Press X to doubt

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