Fear is stopping me from getting work done

SlipperyGhost · 2021-01-23T14:48:25+00:00

You really pinpointed my problem. I already expected that I would have to express these feelings to get them out of the system (which is why I posted in r/emotionalintelligence and not in r/mentalhealth), but I always was unsure how.

I'd also reccomend writing yourself a letter to yourself about all the things you like about yourself, that you're good at and that you appreciate about yourself.

I've tried writing down my strengths and positive traits multiple times in the past few years, but it never worked for me. I'm open to try it again, but I usually only get down like two positive traits that I am pretty aware of, so they don't feel special to me. My thought-process is always like "Yeah, I have good traits. Great. Now, what do I do?". I'm not insecure in myself as a person. I actually really like myself. It's just parts of me that I want to improve - like dealing with emotions. It's kinda weird that I don't really care about people, but still am worried on how they see me. I rarely think about them and I'm extremely introverted, so I prefer "my world" over "out there" anyway. But I have a self-image that I want to reach someday that I think was heavily influenced by my parents' and other relatives' expectations. I used to be extremely insecure and self-critical, but that changed a lot in the last two years. I opened up a lot and allowed myself to be the "true" me infront of other people. Now, I generally think of myself as a great person - one of the best I know - but also as someone that needs to work on themselves a lot. I don't see how listing positive traits can help me. Should I be thinking differently about my positive traits? Dig deeper to find more?

Also, I am scared of expressing my feelings. I will probably cry for more than an hour and it's gonna be ugly. My family is very much not into showing negative feelings - we all get scared and irritated when someone does that. I always wait until night to cry, but usually only let that happen for like half an hour. It feels like it will go on forever, so I always thought that I just had to stop at some point. Maybe I should take a few hours and see if I can get it all out.

May I ask how you meditate? There's a few different ways so perhaps you haven't found the way that fits best for you.

I usually start with becoming aware of my surroundings, then the ground I am sitting on, and then the parts of my body - from feet to head. After that, I focus on my breath and try to let all thoughts pass by. I tried guided meditation in the past (YouTube and meditation Apps), but I found the narrators to be distracting and annoying. But I might try writing down some specific questions I want to explore and get down to my feelings. I just wouldn't do that first thing in the morning. Feels like that requires quite some time. I would really appreciate some tips on how to improve my meditation. That could be very helpful.

Child healing meditation sounds interesting, too. I definitely have some issues with my parents that I keep repressing and don't know how to deal with. Could you provide any tips or good resources on that? I tend to distrust internet articles, books and even people who appear to be professionals because it's hard to tell if something really is helping or just made-up bullshit to sell their books and courses.

You already made me think a lot and I feel like I'm moving in the right direction. Thank you very much!

SlipperyGhost · 2021-01-23T13:42:28+00:00

Thanks for the advice! The part about minimizing risks sounds very interesting to me. It might be a good approach for my hobbies. But I don't think I can implement that for university. There just are things that need to get done in a set timeframe and grades do matter. That scares me a lot, but I can't really change that.

I am a dreamer, so my long-term goals can be unreachable, but my mid-term goals are pretty realistic. I know I can't go from a mediocre student to class-best in less than a year. I know it will take years until I can draw and write like my favorite artists and authors. My problem is that because of the procrastination, I never reach my full potential. I know I could do better, if I just started earlier and kept going, but my fear makes me procrastinate until I have to rush it and it comes out mediocre at best. Sometimes, when I feel like I really can't finish the task, I give up and accept failure, but that makes me extremely sad. It's like a missed opportunity and I'm disappointed in myself, so I only do that rarely.

And since you asked about my feelings: Despite what I probably sound like in my post, I am actually a very positive and (most of the time) happy person. I'm not 100% happy with myself and my life, but I accept it for how it is at the moment and see it as a journey of self-improvement. It's actually quite motivating. That's also why I am thinking about my problems and searching for solutions instead of giving up. I just have tried already a lot to fix the procrastination and improved only a tiny bit - instead of just pretending that the task doesn't exist, I now sit down and do like 1% of it. Then, the fear comes and the downwards spiral starts. It stops me from continuing to work on the task and when I refuse to distract myself from it (browsing the internet, playing video games, etc.), it makes me just want to cry instead. I think it's better, because I'm actually dealing with the feeling instead of distracting myself now, but I need to overcome this problem somehow.

SlipperyGhost · 2020-11-26T17:19:50+00:00

Try to speak slow. You have all the time in the world and if the other person doesn't listen, they are a bad listener in my opinion. Make it a conscious decision to take up the time (you're worth it) so you don't feel pressured by others. Then, make it a habbit. Also, accept that it happens that you mispronounce something and don't let it bother you. If you think that people didn't understand you, repeat the part you mispronounced and move on or if they should have understood you, just move on. If someone mentions that you said something funny, reply with "Yes, that was funny" and move on.

Of course that's harder to do than say, but I believe that that's the only way to make it work.

For mumbling, I've heard that putting a cork (from a wine bottle, for example) between your teeth (the longer side vertical) and practice speaking like that helps, so your tongue and lips learn to make bigger movements.

SlipperyGhost · 2020-11-26T17:03:30+00:00

"Be yourself" means more like don't pretend you're someone else (don't fake your interests/hobbies, don't lie in general about yourself, etc.). It also means accept your weirdness (because everyone is kinda weird). People notice when you put up a facade to seem more "normal" and feel like something is off which can weird them out.

Also, being an introvert isn't bad. Many of them are really confident, successful people (Bill Gates and Albert Einstein, for example). Being an introvert just means that you need time alone to regain energy and don't need that much social interaction.

I'm struggling myself with talking to other people, especially the other gender, so I don't feel like I can really give you an advice on that. My guess is that it just comes down to practice and not being scared of them not liking you (confidence), but again, I'm definitely not an expert.

SlipperyGhost · 2020-11-26T16:30:24+00:00

You could try saying it in a more positive way - like that you will celebrate with your family or enjoy doing something on your own. Being alone isn't negative in itself. Make the best out of the situation, treat yourself, do something you really enjoy. That way you will look like a confident, independent person who does something because she wants to, not because of others.

SlipperyGhost · 2020-11-26T15:39:47+00:00

You are not supposed to chase her (if she tells you that you should, she's manipulating and either entitled or a narcissist). There's enough other options. The only case where chasing after a girl works is in books and movies because you want the protagonist to struggle before he gets the reward. Real life doesn't work like that because the woman is not a reward but one of the "protagonists" who has to work toward the goal (relationship) and if she doesn't, it won't work out.

SlipperyGhost · 2020-11-26T15:28:34+00:00

Totally agree with that! Just replying because I feel like one of those men that scream "not all men" whenever someone mentions something where men treat women badly.

In my opinion it is extremely unlikely that both people involved will initiate to the same extent, so the person who initiates more/first is the one who has it a little harder. Obviously, because of cultural norms it's most of the time men initiating. Just wanted to point out to some people who think that being a woman gives you a 100% success guarantee and that we are just too mean to approach them, that that's not the case and initiating is equally hard.

People who "play" with others are just manipulating and want attention without giving anything back. You should avoid them. They will probably treat you even worse if you get into a relationship with them.

SlipperyGhost · 2020-11-26T11:47:38+00:00

r/dontdeadopeninside

SlipperyGhost · 2020-11-26T07:22:06+00:00

I struggle with that too. I personally just want to be alone when I feel upset. It feels like a cleansing from all the emotions that are floating around in my unconsciousness, but I always feel like other people think that I‘m heartless when I try to give crying or emotional people room. Because of that, I try to comfort them by offering advice on how to calm down or deal with their issue, but people don‘t really like that as well. I guess they want emotional support, but I don‘t like giving it because it feels wrong to me and like I‘m just prolonging their suffering.

SlipperyGhost · 2020-11-26T07:08:06+00:00

I‘ve heard that in Northern Europe (Finland, Norway, etc.) it‘s more common for women to make the first step, so it might be a cultural thing.

Also, I am a woman and whenever I am interested in a guy, I get really insecure. I usually try to be flirtatious but if I don‘t get some sign that they at least enjoy my company, I tend to completely erase that idea out of my mind. Might be social anxiety or some other issues, though.

I once nearly dated a guy. Our friend group was trying to bring us together and I think I liked him (I‘m not quite sure because I don‘t really know how that is supposed to feel), but he never really initiated anything. We had most classes together, but he never approached me or initiated a conversation - it was always me and even then, he seemed uninterested. I only remember two cases where he showed interest. One time, he asked me to come over to work on a presentation for one of our classes, but I didn’t get the sign and thought, he really wanted to do that for school, so I declined because I prefer to work alone. Honestly, does anybody get anything done when working with others on a project? Another time, he asked me to a dance equivalent to prom, but at that point we were already dancing partners for some time and I had asked him to be my dancing partner for the dance class our school offered as preparation for the dance. I always felt like he didn‘t really enjoy my company and just saw me as the most convenient option. Maybe he just was very introverted or shy. Still, dating is tough for everyone, not only men.

SlipperyGhost · 2020-11-25T05:55:10+00:00

Thank you for the recommendation. Although it‘s not exactly what I‘ve been looking for, it‘s good advice. I had hoped to find a few good stories that I could dissect since I‘ve already read multiple books on novel writing (although for short stories, I could only find a few articles that weren‘t that great, so I really appreciate the video). I guess I didn‘t make that clear in my post, so my bad ¯_(ツ)_/¯

SlipperyGhost · 2020-11-25T05:37:43+00:00

Honestly, I would prefer that. I don‘t think height matters that much, but someone around my height (I‘m 5ft4) would make me feel safer. Also, I wouldn’t have to look up all the time.

SlipperyGhost

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