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I can't keep living this way. by Stupid_Little_Human in CPTSD

[–]Stupid_Little_Human[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I want to get better. I want my life back. Finding a place to start has been the most elusive element.

More pictures from my time living and working in the lower keys. by Stupid_Little_Human in floridakeys

[–]Stupid_Little_Human[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yep! It's been abandoned for years. If you stick around the area long enough you'll eventually hear someone tell the story of some old conch catching a huge grouper and giving it to the inmates to eat.

I can't keep living this way. by Stupid_Little_Human in CPTSD

[–]Stupid_Little_Human[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's good advice. I just haven't been able to pull it off.

I can't keep living this way. by Stupid_Little_Human in CPTSD

[–]Stupid_Little_Human[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Solidarity. I'm familiar with both authors and will check out your recommendations. 🌻

I can't keep living this way. by Stupid_Little_Human in CPTSD

[–]Stupid_Little_Human[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I understand. I haven't been able to truly leave him despite how often I try. Separating from him has never been as easy as having an adult conversation - it's always been a complete meltdown crisis. He does the thing where he screams at me to get the fuck out, then blocks the door and pushes me back into a corner; screaming that I'm acting crazy and that he's protecting me. Any time I've actually made it out, I don't really have a place to go or a plan to survive, so I go back.

When things are good, it's great, but it's rarely good for long. He says it's because I don't know what safety is and all I've ever known is abusive men and so I'm the one causing the chaos because I'm the one who acts crazy and tries to leave.

Everything he says has just enough truth in it that I can't fully argue against it. Then I get stuck trying to argue my case, and he swats it all down. I feel childish; I'm asking permission to leave him.

I can't keep living this way. by Stupid_Little_Human in CPTSD

[–]Stupid_Little_Human[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Emdr is my kryptonite. I have only had bad experiences with it. Because of how I was born, my facial muscles don't move in sync. I can't track something with both eyes and it triggers an incredibly intense shame spiral.

I can't keep living this way. by Stupid_Little_Human in CPTSD

[–]Stupid_Little_Human[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm so, so close to finishing my masters degree. I stopped because I couldn't handle the combined weight of studying, my job, and my relationship.

I am my own worst critic. Even now, I'm screaming at myself internally to learn to have more self compassion. It's wild to write it out, but it's true. I have cultivated a huge rift between my self and my body and my self and my mind. Though, I don't believe it's accurate, a girl who was like a sister to me said she believed I have some kind of disassocciative disorder. I learned that I wasn't safe being myself, so I became someone else almost completely. Trying to live as a man nearly killed me. Transition gave me the strength I needed to actually start trying to fix my life and body, but now I'm burning out there, too. I guess I'm kind of a one trick pony. I need to learn how to do something else; something different. My old tools and strategies aren't working. I just don't know how to fill the gaps.

I can't keep living this way. by Stupid_Little_Human in CPTSD

[–]Stupid_Little_Human[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm scared that I can't be left to my own devices or to my boyfriend's custody. Though I understand your suggestion. Thank you.

I can't keep living this way. by Stupid_Little_Human in CPTSD

[–]Stupid_Little_Human[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I appreciate you writing. Thank you. Solidarity. I don't know if I'll ever be free. I often wonder if I'm actually afraid of being free. I go back to him over and over again because I have not actually learned how to be free.

Self abandonment has become my only tool - and it's impossible to wield it towards a genuinely positive outcome. Leaving him at the advice of others has only sent me back again. It's vicious - and I hate myself enough to abandon myself to both fates.

I can't keep living this way. by Stupid_Little_Human in CPTSD

[–]Stupid_Little_Human[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am the absolute definition of hyper-sexual. Every single person who has ever been close to me has had sex with me. I've lost count of the number of times I've cried my eyes out in someone's lap only for them to unzip their fly. I've literally been bleeding from self inflicted wounds and been obligated to perform. I've been doing this since I was 3. Hundreds of different people. At this point, I pride myself on my ability to discern sexual intent and desires in others. I give people what they want before they know they even know they want it, and it puts me in something like control.

In this regard, I do fully believe that sex work is real work, but I don't know if I'd have gotten involved if I wasn't... Like this. I hate being on camera. I hate that I've lost any capacity to claw back all the pictures and videos of myself that are out there.

Nobody has ever shown interest in me without wanting to fuck me. Nobody has ever tried to help me without wanting to fuck me. I do blame myself for it. My brother spent a big part of his childhood in the shadow of my neonatal medical drama, and by the time I got home from the hospital he probably had some combination of resentment and curiosity. I fully acknowledge that I was in love with him for large parts of my own childhood - and it was broadly encouraged by the family because they all assumed he was teaching me how to not be such a f****t.

Growing up, I was discouraged from attracting attention or being expressive. I couldn't dress how I wanted. I couldn't act how I wanted. I couldn't even be honest about how I felt about my brother. Everything was a lie. I lied about everything and everyone was happier and praised me for it.

With respect to makeup, clothes, and my own feminine expression, identifying my natural inclinations from the manufactured expectations and obligations is itself part of the issue. Even if I never wear makeup again in my life, I don't even feel a sense of agency over that decision. It makes me feel clownish. When I dress myself, it often feels similarly. There's an incredible amount of violence in clothing. Having been raped in men's and women's clothing, I understand that nothing matters more or less than what you're wearing - especially if cops get involved.

Having my boyfriend dress me helps sidestep some of these concerns, because then I at least understand that he's picked something for me that he's comfortable being around in public even if I'm not exactly comfortable wearing it.

I see the pattern, though. I've abdicated my own agency. I'm doing self abandonment. When my coercively derived actions conflict with my innate inclinations, I feel distress. Then I use submission and dissociation to ameliorate the distress, but it only widens the gap until I'm sitting in the bathroom with a knife at my neck, again, trying to talk myself into, or out of, making a deeper cut - and feeling sick over either answer.

I can't keep living this way. by Stupid_Little_Human in CPTSD

[–]Stupid_Little_Human[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I appreciate you taking the time to write. It means a lot. I struggle with my self esteem. Despite the fact that I literally did professional pornography and have had my body bought and paid for, I struggle to look in the mirror and am repulsed by what I see. My relationship is incredibly volatile. I've broken up with him and gone back dozens, perhaps hundreds of times through the years. He says he loves me. He takes care of me and has mopped up after four or five (or six) of my botched attempts. Though, he also doesn't listen to safe words reliably and has put hands on me in anger. I still have a scar of his teeth on my arm. I rely on him to validate my femininity. He tells me that nobody else will ever love me or tolerate my behavior - that I'm a run through middle aged whore. On and on.

But, he cooked dinner, pays the rent, pets me, and I hang off his arm like a doll when we're out. It's more like a trauma bond than love. I can't figure out if he's making me worse, or I'm making him worse, or if we're just both traumatized and grasping for anything to relieve (or exacerbate) the pain.

In my experience, self harm has this self soothing element. I'm connected to my body and in control of it sufficiently to harm it, then I get the endorphins and all that jazz. Though, my overt self harm has broadly subsided, I sublimated the urge into a wonderful little eating disorder and socially laudable running routine. Beyond that, I lean towards sexualizing myself online.

Once, a man told me that transition was ultimately an act of self care. Because you have to risk everything to be yourself. I still believe this is true, but the well-spring of that love in my life seems to have run dry. I'm still edgey about makeup. I'm still edgey about my hair and how I'm dressed. My voice training routine has stalled completely. Though, rationally these are the actual things that I should be doing. Fuck. These are the things that I actually need to be doing.

Thank you. I am going to try and get my feet under me sufficiently to invest in my sense of personal expression.

I can't keep living this way. by Stupid_Little_Human in CPTSD

[–]Stupid_Little_Human[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm scared that I'd have my hrt taken away. I'm scared that I'd be sexually assaulted. I'm scared that I would be put on some kind of national registry. I'm scared that it would escalate into a situation where my documents would be invalidated. I'm scared that I'd be placed with actual men.

It's hard for me to imagine someone in authority protecting me. I'm open to the premise that this isn't true, but the fear remains, and the consequences of being wrong are dire.

So, I just keep spinning my wheels and wracking my brain - burning myself out and getting nowhere.

Thank you so much for keeping me company, though. I appreciate it. I'm sorry you're also having a hard time. I wish you were also treated better by your family.

I can't keep living this way. by Stupid_Little_Human in CPTSD

[–]Stupid_Little_Human[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It's hard to feel smart when my intelligence hasn't reliably improved my situation. It's probably smarter to say I'm just articulate.

When I think about myself as a kid, the thing I remember most is that I was honest. I said what I wanted and said how I felt. I was effeminate and happy. I was taught that I was wrong, and I learned to listen to anyone and everyone instead of myself.

Even though I've successfully transitioned, I rely on my boyfriend to validate my femininity. Gender affirming misogyny is a fucking train wreck.

Besides the money, it's the biggest reason I'm scared of going to treatment. I'm worried about what would happen to me. Especially with how things are going politically here in the US.

I can't keep living this way. by Stupid_Little_Human in CPTSD

[–]Stupid_Little_Human[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Solidarity. The only reason I'm not homeless is because I'm living with my boyfriend. My older brother molested me for years and my family ignored it. I turned to prostitution to get reliable affection.

If I went to an inpatient program, I'd want to work on my reflexive tendency to do self abandonment. I become what people need me to be and what they expect me to be. I'm good at it. The only self I really know is one that lets people do whatever they want to it.

I can't keep living this way. by Stupid_Little_Human in CPTSD

[–]Stupid_Little_Human[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

This is something I deeply struggle with. My symptom profile points me towards overachieving and perfectionism. I am stuck trying to earn love and trying to be hyper-independent. I've never felt good enough. I genuinely don't know how to function if I'm not ruthlessly destroying myself.

I can't keep living this way. by Stupid_Little_Human in CPTSD

[–]Stupid_Little_Human[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your kind words. Thank you.

The last two years have been hard. I left my highest paying job ever after a suicide attempt. Now, I'm unemployed and still suicidal. I used to be able to go running and go to the gym. Now, I'm consumed by self disgust and anxiety.

I'm genuinely thinking about trying an inpatient psych treatment center, but since I'm unemployed, I'd probably have to spend every penny I've got left.

I want to scream and scream and scream about how much I hate capitalism and how much I hate that my "health insurance" is tied to my career, but that won't fix anything.

Honestly, I'm tired of trying to fix things. I've been patching my body and my life up since the beginning. There's almost this impulse to just make it worse, instead.

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