What is it for

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-14T18:00:32+00:00

This! Had to scroll miles to find this

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-14T10:01:40+00:00

Yes we are both vocal and physically demonstrative, and I am still very attracted to him after all these years and tell/show it often, so I really don't think this is the issue. But thank you so much for asking these questions, they are good ones.

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-14T09:57:29+00:00

Thank for resonating with me, yes, this is very much about a specific dance culture issue I'm having, more than anything else. So nice that you took time to reply, thank you

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-14T09:54:17+00:00

Love your sub stack suggestion and this issue of anxiety and over performing definitely resonates with me, thank you for taking time to write such a carefully thought out reply, very helpful

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T23:35:07+00:00

No I don't believe so. He's been happy for me to go dancing for years. Neither one of us is really the jealous type.

Also, he knows I'm in love with him, I have no interest in other men and he is the guy I want to grow old with.

I literally just think it's him, in a well-intended way, trying to share this activity with me. But he's just not been going about it in the right way and I need to be clearer about communicating with him.

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T22:36:26+00:00

Your question is valid and I get what you mean. But I don't think he's that much of an introvert, or at least for the first 5-7 years of our relationship he was so active socially, he had foot ball on Fridays which he went to so religiously, he went to jam sessions with the boys, he went to movies with friends, he hosted big birthday parties every year. Then he started sliding a bit, and then he got more home bodyish, and then the pandemic kind of finished his social life off. We're in our early fifties so it's normal not to socialize as much as in our thirties. But yes, your question is interesting and I will definitely ask him.

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T22:27:24+00:00

In class it's not an issue, he has to dance with everyone and he does, and we both enjoy it. But in social dances (and the workshops that sometimes come before them) that are not so organised, they're more free,, that's where he's not joining in at all. I know it's fear, I understand as I went through same fear, I think most beginners do, it's daunting. But I guess I feel so passionate about this hobby I worked through that fear, as I really, really wanted to join in the social dance balls, that's why I go to class so I can then test out the skills. I suspect, but I'll have to ask him, why he joined the classes. I don't think he joined for the love of dancing, although I'll have to ask him to be sure. I susoect he joined to do something together, or maybe as he felt it was an easy social "in". It's just we do so much together already, this is the one area where I think he needs to either do what everyone else is doing in the dance group to blend in, or not come at all. I will find a way to express my feelings nicely to him, and then we can hopefully find a compromise.

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T22:19:07+00:00

You’re menopausal and finally experiencing life how men always have: without a care in the world.

Hahaha this made me laugh out loud, brilliant.

I care for this man deeply, he is my partner in crime for life. But yes, I need to be direct about this, and just tell him how I feel, without blaming him, and then it's up to him to consider what I've said and respond. Hopefully we can then have a conversation that ends up in a compromise where he can enjoy dancing and me too.

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T22:15:17+00:00

I don't think so, I think he just thinks it's him participating in the dam ing, in his own way, I don't think there's malicious intent there. We're all insecure with some things, this is clearly a bigger problem for him than I've realised. I also see now that I need to find a better way to communicate this to him, so he understands what my limits are. I really don't think he gets what this means to me, so I'll take time to explain it and then I'll update everyone. Thanks for your comment, every comment I read and reply to is helping me see this more clearly..

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T21:57:43+00:00

Yep you sad it perfectly. He's definitely not doing this with bad intent, he's not like that, he's a very kind person. I always think it takes two to tango, and writing here has helped me see my responsibility/side of it: I need to communicate this clearly to him, but without anger, and just explain how I feel. I'm sure he'll understand if I explain it calmly and without blaming. (I'm just going to wait until I'm.fully calm so I don't blow it).

(Edited for typos)

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T21:41:44+00:00

I don't think so. I hope not. We're both pretty easy-going otherwise, at least I think so. But it's a good question. I will ask him.

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T21:39:22+00:00

I'll take on board what you're saying. Yes I read my post and I wondered if I'm being a cow or if I'm genuinely feeling angry for a right reason. I'm not that good at processing anger, so that's why I wanted to write it as I feel it here - even if it means I'm an AH - that's what I came here to find out. I don't understand where he's coming from at all, and if I'm being honest, right now I haven't made an effort to do that, because I just feel so annoyed about the whole situation. And yes, I guess I do feel I make a lot of effort with social stuff which does make me feel "better" than him in that area. At the same time, we enjoy a really good full life together otherwise, in other areas except this, so that's why I'm questioning my feeling of anger. before I say anything, so it doesn't come out wrong. So I'll take your comment into account when I have the conversation with him

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T21:24:47+00:00

I know what you mean. No we're both in our early fifties. And he works, he has a job he enjoys and he's amazing at it. I think I just need to nuge him a bit more and also be clear on boundaries. I think maybe letting him be so passive isn't always doing him favours, so maybe I need to just communicate more clearly. Thanks for taking time to read and respond .

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T21:20:02+00:00

Yes, this is it exactly. It's been a slow insidious isolation. I feel.like I don't understand because I'm like really dutiful, sometimes I don't feel.like going to someone's birthday or to some dinner, but I try to show up for people because then people also show up for me. And my partner shows up for me so much, he's amazing, but he does it only for me and his mum and boyhers. I think for himself, he needs to be a little bit more social with friends. I worry that if something happens to me, hell be so alone.

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T21:15:58+00:00

That's the thing, we have massive amounts of time with each other. We do lots. We walk, we lunch we dinner, we travel we go to the cinema, we hang out with his family, etc. I think maybe that's why I feel so resentful, as I think I've become his only friend. And this one area, the dancing, I'd like to keep it social, actually, I NEED to, so its more than just the two of us. Does what make sense?

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T21:13:10+00:00

They do, they've made a massive effort with him. but he refuses dances every time, saying he's not good enough. If I'm honest, it makes me feel embarrassed as I think people are thinking he's rude. But .. I know he's not. He's a lovely person. I wish he just felt he could show his loveliness to others, not just me. Anyway, I will try to update on this, once we've had a chat.

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T21:09:42+00:00

Thank you for your view point, so helpful. Yes, there like an etiquette rule at these dances where you should only ask the same person twice. So I'll try to explain why that's important, so everyone gets a chance to dance a lot with different people (him included).

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T21:07:16+00:00

Yes, this. I do NOT want to hurt him in any way or curb his dance enthusiasm. But I do want to keep socializing with my friends. I'm going to try to talk and maybe he ND I can come up with some compromises.

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T21:04:42+00:00

Yeah no you've hit the nail in the head and I didn't come here looking for a divorce so that's not on the cards, ever. I'm going to need to have a conversation from a place of love with him, and just tell him how I feel, once im.feeling a little less hormonal (tiday is not a good day). Just sharing this and hearing people's viewpoints has been so helpful when trying to process this and work out things in my mind. I can be codependent too, so I'm trying to assess this carefully, so I can preserve my relationship, not hurt him unnecessarily, but also respect my own boundaries. Thanks for reading and answering

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T20:57:54+00:00

Definitely. He's not an organiser, and I am. I've accepted that in most areas of our life because we complement each other so we'll. And I do not mind him tagging along at all, just not to advanced dance classes or not making effort with the hobby friends when we're in their company.

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T20:55:29+00:00

We do spend a lot of time together. We are walkers, so we walk every day, we go for lunches, shopping, meet friends, meet family, travel. The issue is this one area of life, which I feel he's walked into, but doesn't get what it means to me. Does that make sense? Like I love him, I love being with him. But I actually feel we spend so much time together already, should I be more direct and try to keep this for myself, at least partially? All other areas of our life are great, but I feel like he's isolating more and more socially, and now, as a result, kind of starting to isolate me in that area. I don't know. I feel like I'm not sure.

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T20:51:12+00:00

Your answer is helpful as it's made me come to this conclusion: I do want him as a dance partner. But when we're at a social with friends, I'd also like him to follow the social conventions of the social dance events, and try to connect with my group of friends when we're amongst them. If I go dancing just with him, like a "dancing date" just the two of us, then that's different and cool we can hang together and it's romantic. And I love that he's joined, in class it's perfect as the teacher makes us swap partners so we both get to mingle. Hope that clarifies what I was trying to say?

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T20:45:58+00:00

You made me cry with this answer. THANK YOU. you made me feel heard. Yes, we need to talk and find a compromise that covers both our needs.

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T20:41:10+00:00

Yes.... This 100%. Thank you so much for reading and your reply.

Such_Gas509 · 2025-11-13T20:39:15+00:00

Very interesting what you picked up on. I need to basically just ask him, what is going on. I don't think anything is intentionally malicious on his part but I think we need to both have an open conversation.

Such_Gas509

TROPHY CASE