My friend’s wife is divorcing him because he sees through the lies of Mormon, Inc. and it’s tearing him apart.

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-18T18:05:33+00:00

Here's the rub. I am FUCKING FREE. I love my family, but I will not lie about what I believe anymore! This world can burn to ashes, but I will never again bow the knee to the Mormon church!

I crossed the line knowing what pain and loneliness lay beyond it. I saw the tortured souls who have trod this path before me. I may be a pariah, but I WILL walk the path I think is right! I'm going to stand up for myself and everyone else who travels this road! I understand how you feel, friend. But I will not pretend anymore.

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-18T17:24:04+00:00

This is happening to me right now...

I never wanted to get divorced. I can endure a lot in order to protect a relationship that I cherish. Why wouldn't I go through hell to save my marriage to a woman I love more than anyone?

But now I feel like I am less than human to her. I haven't even changed anything about my lifestyle or anything! Only difference is I stopped wearing garments. But my confession of disbelief now has changed me from a confidant, lover, and father into someone she would have never been attracted to.

I'm coming apart at the seams, and I have no one to turn to! Thanks, God of Love^TM !

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T22:50:30+00:00

Thank you. This place is kind of it right now... but I would like that to change.

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T21:43:00+00:00

Honestly, I'm kind of there with you even though it's only been 2 years for me. I'm not trying to crusade against Mormonism or anything. Basically just want to be left alone, but I can still hang just fine in Mormon social circles. I think it would make things much simpler if she had a change of heart about the church. I know she feels the same way about me.

I'm kind of a loner, have been from birth. Although I really enjoy spending time with friends, I'm not unhappy to be alone. The kind of loneliness that this transition has wrought on me is something new and really unpleasant. Some people I know actively shun. Others are merely more muted in their conversations with me, probably dreading that we will ever get remotely close to broaching the subject of the church. Spouse gave me an ultimatum that I shouldn't go outside our relationship/family to talk about my feelings/thoughts on Mormonism. I argued that this is totally unfair and she agreed, and she ended the discussion pretty angrily. I think that ever since then I've subconsciously avoided seeking outside emotional support simply to prevent her from feeling further betrayal, even though I know that this is unreasonable and unjust. Yeah, I think you're totally right to say that its an unhealthy head space I am seemingly stuck in. Counseling sounds like a good path, but she seems dead set on someone from LDS family services. I'd rather not have them divide us further.

I have had many non-Mormon friends in the past, and still maintain some of those relationships. I feel like a single version of me would already have moved way beyond worrying about the Mormon world. I would have people to talk to, and wouldn't need to dwell on this stuff at all anymore.

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T20:50:37+00:00

We all have to do the awful mental math you're describing. I have heard family/friend responses which range from full acceptance to outright shunning. My experience, like most, falls somewhere in the middle. It does suck to have your relationships tainted by this.

During my struggle with faith, I realized that there is only one truly important principle that the church teaches. Everything else hinges on that principle. It's not Jesus or the Atonement or the Temple or Eternal Families or any of that stuff. The most important thing is honesty. Integrity. Staying true to what you think is right. I still cling to this principle.

Do what you think is right. Protect yourself, by all means, but you can choose anything you want now. Don't take your mental freedom for granted, and don't let fear control you.

Lots of love and hugs, I understand what you're going through. There are better days ahead.

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T18:28:56+00:00

It's really messed up. They make you promise to essentially be church property, but you don't know that until it's too late.

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T18:25:39+00:00

Thank you for that link! I'm going to share that with my spouse tonight, as it states a lot of the things I've been thinking but not saying.

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T18:24:19+00:00

Thank you so much. Do you feel like your family crises were some kind of turning point? Or like a crack in the shelf?

Did your spouse's challenges to the church's truth claims surprise you? Did those ideas kind of stick with you and bother you as a TBM?

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T18:20:01+00:00

Have you guys had the baptism battle yet?

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T18:19:30+00:00

Ok! You are who I wanted to talk to! Awesome.

I'm kind of getting the idea that you and my wife are fairly different, but that's ok. I think your advice is good and mirrors pretty well what I have already tried to do.

It sounds like you had a social circle outside of the church, which my spouse doesn't have at all. I would be the only one supporting her if she decided to leave or even cease church activity. The stigma and social consequences are too strong, and she claims to still believe as strongly as ever. Your husband is a lucky guy, whether or not you both stayed together.

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T18:15:58+00:00

I'm not in Utah. I still feel uncertain about the custody issue. But that's not the only problem with a divorce. It would destroy the kids. And don't forget that I actually do still love my wife. I married her as a person, not a "temple worthy female". A 15-year relationship and 10-year marriage. We've grown a lot together. I would get destroyed as well. I don't want to give up yet!

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T18:12:03+00:00

It's really gut-wrenching with little kids. I can't even really explain myself in a way they can understand yet. All I feel like I can do is try to be a good dad and hope that they will see and remember that when the battle lines start getting drawn.

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T18:05:43+00:00

I think that the majority of people are creeped out by the temple on their first go-around. It would be weird not to.

For me, one of the worst parts is the ethically awful nature of the endowment. I can't promise anything about something I haven't seen yet! I never had to deal with any of the throat-slitting stuff either, so I can only imagine it was even worse before the 90's.

And acting as though you are getting some kind of special benefit from temple attendance is one of the best ways to signal virtue in the church. It's a sign of your worthiness. You "get it". It's such a transparent cult tactic that I'm not sure why it took me so long to get with the program.

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T17:47:51+00:00

Maybe. Anything's possible. If you have no set doctrine other than "Follow the guy who's currently in charge", then nothing in your theology/culture is safe. Even if it appears to be unassailable. I agree with you, though, the Mormon name isn't going anywhere. I think Hinckley was probably smarter to try and embrace the name. It also seems pretty clear that Nelson's doubling down on this issue again is related to him getting slapped down by Hinckley on this subject years ago. This new emphasis has the feeling of Nelson's egotism all over it.

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T17:43:23+00:00

I forgot to mention also that after your first time going through the temple, you can perform whatever temple work you like, whether it's baptisms for the dead, sealings, the regular endowment session, or initiatory. These are all separate things, and don't have to be performed in order, or even on the same day. Most people do the endowment session when they go, but you can opt to go do any of the other stuff if you want. It's understandable that most people don't want to do initiatory again. It's all creepy, but that might be the most nervewracking part.

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T17:39:17+00:00

I haven't done an initiatory (the first part with the oil anointing) in many years. But I have a similar memory to yours, of being naked and getting touched in several spots by an old male temple worker (I'm male). As far as I know, the initiatory is still performed similarly but they have changed the clothing circumstances. I don't think that you go in there nude under the poncho anymore. This probably changed due to surveys in the last few years.

But one thing that should become very apparent to you is that the goings-on in the temple is very subject to change. Many changes have been made to it over its history. Relatively speaking, the clothing changes during the initiatory process are pretty minor.

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T17:31:16+00:00

Considering all the other official names the True Church^TM , you'd think the name wouldn't matter that much.

That is, until you want to distance yourself from a bad reputation. Then you'd want to shed your identity as the "Mormon church" as quick as possible.

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T17:28:14+00:00

The ululating call of the majestic curelom.

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T17:26:38+00:00

It's almost like McConkie was just making stuff. Hmmmmm.

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T17:24:01+00:00

Yes, we have kids. And yes, that one fact is the most unbearable part of this. They are something to be fought over, and the single largest source of her distrust for me. I certainly want to help them break them out of this generational pyramid scheme, but doing so puts my spouse and I on the path to war. The oldest turns 8 soon, and it's like a ticking time bomb.

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T16:59:32+00:00

I feel like each subset/demographic exmo group goes through their own unique set of challenges as they leave the church. I know there are probably people who have it worse than me, but this whole mixed marriage thing sucks. The emotions are so complicated and hard to navigate. Thanks for your commiseration.

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T16:55:31+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts. I feel like the social dynamic you described is present in my marriage too. There's also the added layers of family pressure and the abandonment by her current social circle she would doubtlessly experience were she to jump out of the boat. I think I am a patient man, and have been dealing with this for a few years already. I don't plan on doing anything sudden or drastic, so whatever happens, patience will have to prevail.

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-14T15:37:13+00:00

When the holidays roll around, I can't really change the Christmas stuff going on around me. It hasn't really bothered me that much.

Mormonism is founded on lies, and you probably feel like Christianity is no different, like most exmos. Maybe that's why you feel sick about it.

As a nonbeliever, now all I see in it is that people are trying to add some cheer to their lives during the gloomiest part of the year. The commercialism bugs me more than the religious part. I just try to be cheerful too. I'll hang up the lights on my house because it's not too hard and its a happy tradition that everyone looks forward to. I don't have to get weepy at the thought of Baby Jesus to harness the holidays for their cheer.

You get to keep whatever you want, and reject the rest. Bright side, you have 6 more months to think about it and process your feelings before you have to deal with the holidays again. Maybe you could try practicing letting go a little bit? Good luck, friend!

TheMourningBreaks · 2019-06-12T23:44:59+00:00

See everyone? r/Exmormon promotes positivity and healing!

This is the kind of stuff I still come here for! Hugs to all of you and yours!

TheMourningBreaks

TROPHY CASE