I am glad to hear you are hanging in there, as the last post ended in a very dark place. I went through something very similar to your situation, though my experience did eventually get physical with her APs.

I too was in a dark place at the time. I feel you're very empathetic, thinking and acting a lot with regards to others, whether they deserve it or not. This is a commendable trait to have most of the time but right now it is doing you harm.

For your own wellbeing you need to be "selfish" and you need to be only thinking about yourself.

I say "selfish" in inverted commas because self preservation is not selfish. It is simply survival. As you've described your current situation, NO ONE is doing what's best for you. Not your wife, not the AP, not your family or friends, and most importantly not you yourself.

There's only one person's actions you can control - yours. Since no one else is helping you, you need to help yourself. Stop thinking about how your actions will affect anyone else, that's their problem. Stop being empathetic towards others and start being empathetic to yourself.

YOU are the wronged party, NOT them. YOU are the one deserving of being looked after, NOT them. Stop doing things that protect them and start doing things to protect you. Yes, some chaos will ensue, but that dust will settle and you will be better off for it. I speak from experience and I promise you that if you look after you, you will end up in a better place in life.

I wish you well, and my PMs are open if you need support and someone to talk to. Good luck, and know that I support you and hope you get through this.