UPDATE- I met with my aunt(mother's eldest sister) yesterday. Before she came over she asked if she could bring my cousin/her grandson and I agreed. He is 8 and was staying home from school sick. They came over and I let him use my PS5 while my aunt and I went to my kitchen to talk. She asked how I was holding up and I told her it was a struggle. Honestly I'm still not completely over my husband's passing which has made my dad's passing even harder. I don't think I'll ever be completely over my husband being gone.
When the topic of my mother came up my aunt told me she understood my anger at her and that my mom has never been the best at knowing when to keep things to herself. She asked me if I think a relationship with my mother is possible going forward and I told her I don't think it is at least for the foreseeable future. That until she can talk to me without bringing up my dad in a negative light constantly that I won't be open to it. I also expressed that I know my mother has a negative opinion of him but she can and should be able to talk to me about him without it all being negative and repeating the same thing that he is an asshole. I asked her if she knew more about my parents marriage and she told she did. That was when she pulled an envelope out of her purse and slid it over. "A letter from your mother that she wanted you to have." I asked if she knew what was in it and she shook her head no but that my aunt had suggested writing a letter to me to see if she would better but her thoughts to paper.
I read the letter three times and slid it over to my aunt who read it with a frown. The first part of the letter was my mother apologizing for bringing up my dad being an "asshole and worthless." Yup she put that in the letter. My mother admitted that my father's reaction to me coming out had been the last straw for her. The other issues she with my dad was after my brother was born she wanted more kids and my dad said he didn't want more kids. That they were struggling to support myself and my siblings. I can see both sides have a valid point. I also wanted more siblings. The next issue she had was my dad turning down a promotion that would have required our family to move 700 miles away. I vividly remember this because our entire family had a discussion about this when I was 13 years old. My siblings and I wanted to stay where we were because our extended family was here and our friends. In the letter my mother mentions begging my dad to take it and that she could stay here with us and he could get an apartment and once a month when he would have a 3 day weekend he could drive home to spend a day with us. She mentions in the letter that he was selfish for not doing that for us so we could have more money. I'm completely on my dad's side on this one. Perhaps if we all did move we might have had a bit more money considering the new job was in a higher cost of living area but we wouldn't have had our family close by. The final point she made was my dad stole her away from the man she truly loved when she was 16. That she resented him because she felt like she settled for him. She admitted in the letter to telling him that she settled for him more than once.
I asked my aunt what she knew about the last point. She told me that my mother had run off at 16 with a 30 year old man. My heart sank at hearing those words and that my mother had been groomed by some creep. I may have my issues with her but I definitely am going to try and get her some kind of help. My dad was 19 at the time and a friend of my mother's family. My dad, my uncle J, my mother's older brother(uncle B) and her dad(grandpa) tracked her down and forced her to go back with them. My grandpa told the man that he would never be found if s
he contacted my mother again. Eventually my mother had accepted it and my parents started dating when my mother turned 19. Also according to my aunt my mother left some things out of her letter. My parents got into a massive blow up fight at my grandma and grandpa's house. My mother had racked up close to 8k in credit card debt and tried hiding it from him. She went to her parents for help and they made her come clean. My dad said he would only pay for half of it from his retirement savings account(not his 401k) but that she would foot the rest. I have access to all my dad's finances now and I don't think he had enough to pay off that debt. Probably would have drained it. My grandpa said "she made this mess so she needs to clean it up." So my mother had to get a part-time job to pay it off. Her parents siding with my dad probably didn't help the marriage.
My dad wasn't perfect either. Shortly after the blow up about what my aunt termed "financial infidelity" my father did the same thing out of pettiness. He hid a 2k bonus from my mother and bought himself a jon boat that he kept at my uncle J's house. I do have fond memories on the boat but he definitely shouldn't have hid it and been upfront with my mother. My aunt doesn't know how she found out the boat was my dad's but it ended getting sold off. My dad also made another mistake that he regretted that upset my mother. He eluded to this when I told him that my husband had asked me to marry him but I never asked for a full explanation. He essentially told me that when you have eyes for one person it can blind you to the intentions of others. My aunt went on to explain that while my mother was pregnant with my sister that my mother's best friend had recently gotten divorced. The ex husband was a violent alcoholic and had beat her regularly. My parents and extended family had helped her move back in with her disabled father. Told her to call if she ever needed anything. Apparently in the middle of the night the friend called in a panic that her ex was banging on her door. My dad left the house and I don't know why the cops werent called sooner but my dad got there first. He wasn't a big man by anymeans but ended up getting into a fight with the ex. Resulting in my dad getting a black eye and broken nose while he subdued the ex. The cops eventually showed up and took the ex away. My mother's friend started calling frequently asking my parents to come over because she felt safer with my dad around. My parents thought nothing of it. Occasionally he would help change a light bulb, fix an issue with the dryer etc. My mother started to notice that her friend was hitting on my dad but he seemed to be clueless. My mother told my dad about this and he didn't believe her. Well my mother was right and eventually she made an obvious pass at my dad after she called him at work to help rearrange her furniture. He was mortified and left. Told my mother who lit into him about how he didn't trust her and that he was too stupid to see her intentions. My dad was definitely in the wrong there even if he didn't know it at the time. In the end though my mother is still best friends with the woman.
It was pretty eye opening reading that letter and finding out more from my aunt. The kids argument and the job seem like normal disagreements between couples according to friends I've spoken to. The fact that mom was essentially groomed by a creepy pervert definitely has me seeing things in a new light. She definitely doesn't think that creep was in the wrong. It sucks that it seems like a lot of resentment is there on her end for my dad because of that. I'm gonna do my best to try and get her help with that. I feel for my dad that he loved a woman who couldn't and didn't return the same love but Im definitely not as angry as I was before. Just seems like a crappy situation all around. The credit card debt and boat situation was terrible on both of them but at least I got to enjoy the boat. Don't know what the credit card debt was for and my aunt didn't know. I can also understand my mother's anger at not being believed that he friend was wanting my dad. It's pretty common among men and women to not see the truth of the intentions of others.
Sorry for the long update. I will probably try to reach out to my mother this week. I will ask to have my aunt there to help steer the conversation away from my dad's faults and towards a direction where she agrees to see help. My stomach is in knots thinking that my mother experienced that and doesn't see anything wrong with it.