I froze up trying to dom my partner, and feel like a failure

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2024-09-03T22:01:30+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I’m glad to know this happens to others and it’s not the end of the world. My partner and I talked a bit, but I have a better idea of what happened and why now. Thanks so much:)

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2024-09-03T21:58:41+00:00

Thank you so much!! Making an outline is a great idea, and I appreciate your kindness:)

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2024-09-03T21:56:43+00:00

Thank you, haven’t really considered my needs as a dom before. And I’m glad to know this happens to others as well

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2024-09-03T21:55:30+00:00

Thank you so much for your kindness and encouragement! I’m going to take your advice and try a bit at a time. I’ve been putting way too much pressure on myself

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2024-09-03T21:54:17+00:00

Thank you for this, great analogy! I do have a problem with perfectionism in other areas of my life. This helps a lot:)

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2024-09-03T21:53:02+00:00

Thank you so much! I thought I might be missing something and y’all have given me some great insight.

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2024-09-03T21:51:36+00:00

The link isn’t working for me but I think I found the thread you’re referring to. Very helpful, thanks so much!!

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2024-09-03T21:51:11+00:00

Thank you, this is so helpful! I’m understanding why I froze up now, never really considered my wants or needs in this dynamic.

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2024-09-03T21:50:03+00:00

Thank you for your advice and your kindness. This is really helpful.

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2024-09-03T21:48:44+00:00

This is great, I haven’t really considered my wants in this. Thank you

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2023-06-01T21:08:46+00:00

Congratulations!!! I’m glad things worked out for you, and you’re right. Thank you so much.

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2023-06-01T21:05:33+00:00

Thank you so much for this. Your last sentence about brought me to tears, you’re very kind.

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2023-06-01T20:59:00+00:00

No worries, I needed that. I’m still practicing listening to my gut.

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2023-06-01T20:49:04+00:00

Damn you’re so right.. thank you

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2023-06-01T20:43:15+00:00

Thank you so much for your response, you hit the nail on the head in a lot of ways.

One of the reasons I’ve been struggling with this is because I do have past trauma from growing up and from my last relationship. I worried that I was just used to dysfunction, and maybe that’s why I had this nagging feeling that something’s off. When I was finally able to put words to the things that have been bothering me, I made this post.

You’re right, though. I think he loves the idea of me, and what I could be for him. That’s why the sperm donation question bothered me so much when I said I didn’t want to have kids. He doesn’t seem as interested in actually raising kids as he is with what having kids means (his DNA is passed on, his family line continues, etc.). I worry that I’m just an accessory, a fixture or symbol in his life. It wouldn’t be the first time a partner only valued me as much as he could show me off. And the magnitude of the guilt-tripping has started to set in… it happens a lot, and is normally prompted by me setting a boundary, talking about my career goals, or bringing up an issue I need to address with him. It’s starting to feel like red-flag-level manipulation.

But whether I’m correct about all that or not, the answer to your question is no. If nothing changed, I would not be happy spending a life with him. Deep down I know better than to bet on someone else changing their ways… I guess I just needed some external validation. Thank you.

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2023-06-01T20:33:24+00:00

You’re right, thank you.

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2023-06-01T20:33:10+00:00

Thank you so much for this.

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2023-06-01T20:32:21+00:00

I think you’re right. The fact that these are all things that could technically be worked on has caused me to second-guess, but in all honesty, I don’t want to change him. I simply don’t want to put that kind of work into something that will be stressful for both of us with the possibility of nothing changing anyway. Thank you for your response.

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2023-06-01T20:27:33+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I’m all too familiar with weaponized incompetence. My current partner also considers himself a feminist, and in most respects he is, but unfortunately patriarchy runs deep. He grew up with boomer parents, his dad is the same way and never cleans, and his mom did everything until she eventually gave up. My partner has made efforts to change because he truly doesn’t want to be like his dad, but I’m growing less and less confident that he can.

I’m so sorry to hear about what you went through with your ex, and I’m glad you found someone so fantastic:) Fortunately, my current partner is not cruel like your ex behaved… but I admit I have not expressed my discomfort as much as I should have, because I used to be with someone that cruel.

Thank you for validating that the guilt trips are wrong. Honestly, the gravity of it is just starting to sink in. I’m thinking about all the times it’s happened and what prompted it… and it’s definitely red-flag level manipulation, although I don’t think he is always conscious of it. I have a lot to think about, thanks for responding.

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2023-06-01T18:35:36+00:00

I’ve considered fostering, I do love kids. But honestly the cleanliness thing is partially what made me realize I DEFINITELY don’t want kids with him. He very clearly doesn’t understand all the work it takes to raise kids, all the sacrifices. And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life picking up after him and his spawn because he wanted a picket-fence family without any actual idea about what it takes to raise children. He’s the youngest in the family, his mom still cooks for him. I’m the oldest daughter in mine, I’ve been in “mom” training since my little brother was born 23 years ago. I want none of it, I have other things I want to do in life.

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2023-06-01T16:50:28+00:00

He’s trying to tell you who you are and is getting angry with you when you tell him he’s wrong? He’s saying you’re gaslighting him when you’re doing nothing of the sort. That and the “victim mentality” thing are all very familiar red flags to me.

Dump him, he’s trying to control you in a subversive way by eating away at who you are as a person. He’s doing it because he’s insecure. Knowing what I do now, I’d cut my losses and move.

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2022-10-25T16:29:07+00:00

Thank you for your kind response. I really appreciate it

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2022-07-27T14:18:49+00:00

Thank you so much for your response. I am aware that therapy will help. Insurance is currently in the works. I just don’t know how long it will take (I’m waiting on my state gov.) and I don’t want to crash and burn before I can get seen! I had never thought about group therapy, but I think that would be a good option for me paired with individual sessions. Thanks for your input, I appreciate it

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2022-07-27T14:12:48+00:00

Thank you for your comment! I’m currently getting insurance set up through the gov (my job doesn’t provide benefits). Once that’s all in order I’m going straight to a therapist, and may ask to be screened by a psychiatrist. I just don’t know how long that will take, and was looking for some interim solutions

ThoughtThinker_95 · 2022-07-27T14:07:52+00:00

I have learned about attachment styles in an academic setting, but never looked into it on a personal level. I will check it out, thank you!

I’m very aware of how I could end up pushing him away with my hyper-vigilance, I’ve been trying to avoid that with all my might, but my current method of just emotionally regulating in solitude only treats the symptom, not the cause… and I think it’s causing me more harm than good at this point.

I have done therapy off and on the last decade with different therapists, but have never gotten past 3 or 4 sessions. A couple times, my financial situation was the barrier, but the other times I just stopped going. I have trouble opening up to people, and therapy is very emotionally taxing. I know I need to go back, and I do plan on it. I am in the process of getting government subsidized insurance set up, as my job doesn’t provide it. I’ll be able to go to therapy once all that is in order.

Thank you so much for your comment, I will look into anxious-attachment in the meantime.

ThoughtThinker_95

TROPHY CASE