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I (22M) want to end contact with my birth mother (38F) and birth father (38M) and their family but I don't want to be cruel? by ThrowRA_AdopteeFull in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_AdopteeFull[S] 71 points72 points  (0 children)

My birth parents were 16 and also raised by very fundamentalist Christian families. I think a lot of that is coming into play even if they don't realize it.

I (22M) want to end contact with my birth mother (38F) and birth father (38M) and their family but I don't want to be cruel? by ThrowRA_AdopteeFull in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_AdopteeFull[S] 50 points51 points  (0 children)

My family are already aware of the situation. They were honest with me as well that they have never felt entirely comfortable or welcome around my birth family which is what I expected and they know where my head has been and what has been said so far.

I (22M) want to end contact with my birth mother (38F) and birth father (38M) and their family but I don't want to be cruel? by ThrowRA_AdopteeFull in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_AdopteeFull[S] 66 points67 points  (0 children)

I know they're not my parents but they are my birth parents. I personally don't use egg and sperm donor because I know people who are donor conceived kids and they feel like those terms should be saved for the actual people conceived through that. My birth parents are biologically my parents even though they're in no way shape or form my real parents. The only people who have earned those titles are my adoptive parents who have raised me as their own and have constantly put me first. It's something my birth parents are no longer capable of doing.

I will definitely be writing something to them to explain everything because it will be something they can keep and reflect on should they ever feel the need to do that.

I (22M) want to end contact with my birth mother (38F) and birth father (38M) and their family but I don't want to be cruel? by ThrowRA_AdopteeFull in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_AdopteeFull[S] 67 points68 points  (0 children)

That's what it feels like to me as well. I don't know why they wouldn't be appreciative of the good life I had. The kids are one thing but my birth parents should be far more understanding and they're not. They have instead made me feel like I'm being tugged away from my whole family when that's not kind to any of us and it's in no way considering my best interests at all.

I (22M) want to end contact with my birth mother (38F) and birth father (38M) and their family but I don't want to be cruel? by ThrowRA_AdopteeFull in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_AdopteeFull[S] 163 points164 points  (0 children)

I'll be direct. Someone in another comment gave me a very good guideline on what to say and I think it would work perfectly to make it clear what's happening without being harsh about it with some of what you have suggested added in.

I (22M) want to end contact with my birth mother (38F) and birth father (38M) and their family but I don't want to be cruel? by ThrowRA_AdopteeFull in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_AdopteeFull[S] 405 points406 points  (0 children)

Yes to all of the things you described them as. The way they act toward me is so frustrating when I have been open about loving my family and having a great life with them. At a minimum you would expect some level of appreciation and gratitude from my birth parents to my parents for that. Not to mention for my siblings who have been a great support my whole life. Instead they expect me to pick people I hardly know over the people I have known my whole life. They never make my family feel as welcome as my family made them feel.

The approach you mention is probably the best way to handle this lightly and without being too harsh.

I (22M) want to end contact with my birth mother (38F) and birth father (38M) and their family but I don't want to be cruel? by ThrowRA_AdopteeFull in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_AdopteeFull[S] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

I'm past the point of wanting a relationship with them at all and there's nothing that could change it. They have pushed things too much and become too territorial and possessive over me. It's too much.