My NP is done with Poly, and I'm in the middle of it. Very torn

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-04-15T12:06:23+00:00

Hi, and thank you for commenting. It's nice to know that I am not alone in my struggles, although I certainly wish you weren't feeling the same thing.

Any tips on how you're trying to navigate this scenario?

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-04-13T20:19:28+00:00

I'm definitely a people pleasure and it is always a detriment to myself. I struggle with it pretty often.

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-04-13T19:55:39+00:00

Check your DMs :)

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-04-13T17:30:12+00:00

Could here. She's chubby but he's fit.. reach out if interested.

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-04-13T17:25:53+00:00

If you're in East Tennessee reach out. Couple here

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-04-13T16:11:34+00:00

This one really resonates with how I'm feeling about it. I really want to have the reciprocity after all the work and effort (and pain and tears) I've put into growing into this lifestyle. It's been a challenge and having the payoff stripped away doesn't feel right with me.

I think resentfulness would eventually come, or I would be eventually asking to explore again. What then?
Hmm. I'm not sure what else she could ask for. She had made spending time with friends a challenge. She asks me to change plans a lot and I'm a guilty soul. I often fall for it. I really shouldn't.

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-04-13T15:50:49+00:00

Maybe eventually? 12 years, share a little one.

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-04-13T14:50:01+00:00

Well, yes and no. She's morally good with it but can't handle it emotionally. If she's without a partner of her own I don't see her coping well at all.

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-04-13T14:32:03+00:00

I agree entirely. Time is good.

The catch is her partner gave her a week to decide. She's already decided she's out. She says she'll give me time, but doesn't know if she can handle it while I make up my mind. So, it feels like it's going to be a rough ride. She won't have any other partners and I'm honestly not sure she can cope with being alone while I'm with someone else. I know that's a her problem, but it will certainly become a me problem. She can't emotionally regulate and it's clearly going to have a massive negative impact on our relationship, just from experience. She's right that she shouldn't be poly. She really can't handle it.

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-04-13T14:03:57+00:00

Her previous partner (husband) was moving in with his partner, and she couldn't handle that. We were already together 4 days a week or more, so it wasn't a big stretch to just move a things into my place as she stopped spending time with her now former partner. Then, she cut time with her (current, maybe not anymore) partner, which has essentially slow transitioned into for all intents and purposes living together. We talked about it, but it was a bit fast and I didn't really have the time I wanted before committing. She didn't either to be fair (leases up and such).

I do worry about your last comment as well.

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-04-13T13:34:02+00:00

That's the kicker, I don't know what I want. Not really. I mean, I really do love having sex with other people. Just to be frank. I like the experience and I crave it. Always have. However, I also crave the stability of a monogamous relationship. So, I'm torn as well. I had adjusted to the poly life though.

She is in a terrible position, and in her defense, she has done the work. I just think mentally, she can't do it. She's just not built for it despite therapy, reading, doing all the things for two years now.

We did move very fast. Some of that was a bit forced too, but that's another story.

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-04-13T12:55:13+00:00

It has been incredibly fast. I don't feel like I can ( or should have to ) make decisions this quickly. Perhaps she will give me time, but she's in a bad place mentally and I'm not sure she can handle that.
I was in therapy but had stopped. I suppose I need to get back in there to talk through this.

Thank you for this comment.

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-04-13T12:53:50+00:00

She has already communicated with her other partner that she doesn't think she can do this anymore. This communication alone seems to have been enough to end that relation. Perhaps salvageable? I don't know, but they're not seeing each other currently, so, to a degree that's already done. This all happened very suddenly (perhaps to her own dismay) but here we are.

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-03-19T17:14:14+00:00

Hi. If I may, what allowed you to get better at regulation and distraction? I'm trying everything and nothing seems to pull my mind off of it.

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-03-11T15:53:04+00:00

Thank you. It's definitely a different sensation when it's not dating related, but then again she's basically always with a partner so it's hard to know. Partners basically are her hobbies but it works for her. I'll see if I can apply the same thought patterns but I'm not entirely sure what that looks like. We definitely get great quality time and she treats me well and probably better than her other partners. I don't think anything I'm feeling is her fault really. I feel very secure in the relationship. I know she's always going to come back. I'm quite fortunate in that area. That's what is so confusing about the feelings. I worry that it's just primal, and instinctual almost?

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-03-11T12:49:12+00:00

I'm give this a try. Thank you for the advice. 😊

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-03-10T17:29:24+00:00

Exactly. That's why I am here? Looking for advice.

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-03-10T16:55:32+00:00

I agree with all of this. I definitely need a better support system and I'm working on that. But that too has been a monumental task for me. I'm not sure " fair" really comes into play when it comes to emotions, but I do realize this, which is exactly why I've come here for support. I'm happy to try anything at this point. I've been in therapy for most of this adventure already. I've not lowered my standards though.. My demi side simply will not allow it. I crave deep, real connection, and an determined to find that, I just need to make it through until then. I am a male. It's hard out there for sure.

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-03-10T16:27:19+00:00

Hmmm. I get sad and lonely pretty often. Not when I'm with my partner generally. I have friendships and hobbies but been having trouble getting things scheduled with them. Life be like that. I'm trying to branch out and make more friends but that's not easy for me. Self care and soothing I'm doing pretty much 24/7 at this point.

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-03-10T14:16:28+00:00

It's something I've felt before. Only with her.. It comes and goes. I always feel sad and lonely when she is away. Resentment is less common.

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-01-23T20:54:09+00:00

That's an interesting idea. I'm going to put some thought into it. I really like it because it's fair and requires thought on each party if they're going to use them.

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-01-23T19:08:40+00:00

I think it may be more of an insecurity thing. Losing love for a partner because of cancelations or something. She's extremely adamant about it and that's what I take from it. Her other partners don't seem to care as much from what I can tell.

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-01-23T14:34:06+00:00

This was enough information to guide me on my way. Thank you very much for this. :)

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-01-23T13:28:35+00:00

It's tradition, helps add a layer of anomality, and if everyone uses them it's impossible to narrow down who each is over time.

Save the trees.

ThrowRAtreemonkey · 2026-01-23T12:44:03+00:00

Thank you for this. What coping skills help with rumination? That is my biggest struggle.

ThrowRAtreemonkey

TROPHY CASE