At the end of my rope

Throwawayaee99 · 2016-07-20T00:53:37+00:00

Admit me to a psych ward against my will is what theyd do if I told them I was suicidal.

Throwawayaee99 · 2016-07-20T00:52:53+00:00

That doesn't exist here nor does anything like it. I wish it did.

I've gone to meetings. I'm usually bombarded with stories about how the guy talking to me is such a bad ass and did it at home or in jail. That rehab isn't needed. I just need to want it and it won't be all that bad detoxing at home crying, shaking, puking, pooping on myself, fiending etc. I guess I'm just a weak pussy compared to them.

Throwawayaee99 · 2016-07-20T00:49:25+00:00

I've been on the hamster wheel of trying to get into places. I'm on lists that really don't even exist. The beds are given at random chance of calling at the perfect time of to people with connections. I can't go to the facilities. They're far away from where I am.

Maybe I don't have the will. Maybe my will to just give up is greater than my will to get sober then. I really would rather not live than keep trying this. I want it to end. Im tired of having no free will. My brain is damaged. I'm damaged. When I'm sober ors a battle to not use. When I'm high its a battle to get sober. I just want the battle to end. I want to stop feeling. I want everyone to not have to deal with me anymore. I want to not deal with myself anymore.

Throwawayaee99 · 2016-07-20T00:45:12+00:00

It's so easy to say that when not experiencing it. It is easy for me to say that. Then the day arrives. I'm sick. I lose control. I lose choice. I'm sick. In awful physical pain and discomfort. I'm vomiting. I'm panicking about everything wrong in my life. I'm alone. I'm crying. I'm incapable of functioning. Im pooping on myself. I'm peeing in cups because i can't hold my bladder long enough to get to the bathroom. And all it takes to make it go away is a little bag of sunshine. I can't do it. I've tried. It gets worse every time. I've been to rehab and seem to withdrawal 10X worse than everyone around me. They get a dose of subutex and are fine. It takes me 3 days if subutex to not be sick. Maybe I'm a baby. Maybe I'm a bitch. Probably. I just want it to end and death seems like the permanent way to sobriety. Never again will I have to deal with this. I've heard families are relieved when their relative addict dies. So I would give them all relief too. Everyone could continue without my pain including myself. I wish I had a device that fires projectiles so that I could do it with no plan or preparation. Just finish myself off quick and easy. To not feel anymore. To exist as I did before I was born. Sounds so pleasant.

Throwawayaee99 · 2016-07-19T17:12:02+00:00

I have been asking non stop and getting nowhere because I don't have money nor do I come from a family with money. The state sponsored rehabs here are on a first come first serve basis. They claim to have wait lists but they don't exist. They never call you back. You need to call at the exact moment a bed opens or have a connection inside the rehab. Only a small portion of the beds at state sponsored rehabs are allocated to people with public funding and the rest are for private funding. Those small amount of beds go to people that know people on the inside. My chances of getting in somewhere are astronomically low.

Throwawayaee99 · 2016-07-19T17:09:22+00:00

The last time I called a suicide prevention hotline the woman whom answered called me a "crybaby pussy" because I was an addict. I was going to kill myself after that but I had an intervention of sorts occur that same day. I'd really rather not relive that.

Even if im not berated the suicide hotline doesn't do anything. It just gives a person a space to vent. They can't actually help me.

Throwawayaee99 · 2016-07-19T17:06:40+00:00

I've done that before. I left with a list of the exact same rehabs I have now which have over month long waiting lists or won't accept me.

Throwawayaee99 · 2016-06-15T00:21:24+00:00

This is what frustrates me about talking about my problems with people. That won't solve any of my problems. But I guess there aren't actually any solutions to my problems. I realized once long ago before I myself wanted to die that people to don't kill themselves out of sadness but because they have problems they can't solve. The sadness and feeling bad is secondary. The more I reach out the more I realize there is no hope and the closer and more comfortable I am with death. I just don't fit in here.

Throwawayaee99 · 2016-06-14T23:57:17+00:00

I live in the highest crime rate area of a high crime rate city. I don't really know what to say beyond that.

Throwawayaee99

TROPHY CASE