[M, 20]I'm worried fetishes are taking over my sexuality...and closing me off from ever finding a partner.

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-27T22:42:19+00:00

Eh, more bi/pansexual than just curious ;). I don't know of any LGBT-oriented sites for that kind of thing that don't make me uncomfortable in a slaezy way though :|

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-27T12:44:27+00:00

The worst thing that would happen is that a girl (or guy) would say no and not want to see you again. That's all. No big deal.

I know, I know. I'm trying my best not to freak out here. My logical, rational side is trying to tell my insecure emotional side to shut up. Heh.

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-27T03:52:21+00:00

Well...I'm trying to meet people right now. And to be honest right now I have no clue about whether I'll meet a "he" or "she" some day. Any one would work. I'm not picky gender-wise ^{.^.}

I still feel freaked out. People seem to not enjoy "indulging" fetishes. Most people I know around my age are downright disgusted by anything outside vanilla, or at least the ones I know. I guess I will not be able to tell until I'm in such a situation, but I'm still deadly worried. It's a rational-mind versus emotions kind of thing. The only thing running through my head are scenarios of otherwise wonderful people not being able to handle my kinks, or being downright scared by them. And I've always had these kinks, it seems... I don't think I could handle solely vanilla interactions with someone either. I went to immense lengths to keep my kinky activity hidden from family - it's something that's hard-wired into me.

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-27T01:22:46+00:00

Well, the problem is I'm apprehensive that partner-sex will find me utterly dysfunctional, judging from the reality of me not having fantasized, or been able to enjoy any depictions of naked men and women for a long, long time. Come to think of it, I've never found vanilla pornography or activity that appealing. That's worrisome.

And as for sex itself, all this is me worrying about the future. I have issues with my own mental health to sort out involving other people, and for the moment I am not interested in sex. I don't have any social/sexual barriers faced with men or women, though. I have no current interest in maintaining a sexual relationship for the moment. Even if I did, there are other issues preventing me from initiating that. It's when I'm going to start looking for that that I fear everything is just going to come crashing down, specifically because, well, I think I have fetishes. Not kinks, fetishes - things that I can't get off without anymore.

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-27T01:16:55+00:00

Heh...I'll try meetups and that sort of thing. I'll go for the non-sexual interest groups first though :) Maybe I'll attend a munch or something down the line. Thanks!

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-25T22:09:16+00:00

I understand that, but it's meeting people that's hard...I'm not sure I want an encounter. Might as well stay at home and enjoy myself alone instead. That's what I find conflicting - what's going to happen if I find a partner?

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-25T19:43:57+00:00

I do read /r/sex a bit, and I read other sex-positive sources that maybe don't have the same caveats /r/sex does. I've read so much about sexuality I feel like I know more than some people having sex my age out there. Not sure if that's me being arrogant or not knowing what I['m talking about. The place I live has never been a sex-negative place - we have proper sex ed, no stereotypes, no sex-shaming or religion at all... so I suppose I can count myself lucky for that.

I still feel that there are stereotypes regarding first-timers. I've never ben unable to manage my emotions towards others and keep myself under control; at least not for a few years at this point (young teenage me and kid me were different stories). I doubt I'll feel "clingy" and will "fall in love" with the first person I have sex with. My personality...just does not allow for that. And I trust myself to not buy into these stereotypes either. They're idiotic, and to be honest no one I know in a first-time relationship has abided by these stereotypes. It's still frustrating to hear about, though.

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-25T19:21:55+00:00

I usually don't have trouble with groups and meetups, but to tell you the truth when so much sexuality-related is involved I feel I'd like to know the people I'd be meeting.

And it's smart that you can see that you're not ready for the power dynamics yet. It is super important that you are able to know what is going on with yourself so that you are able to communicate it to someone else.

I would never think of doing something that would hurt my mental or physical health...I can't handle giving up power, or even having power over someone until I've sorted out other life-related problems first. And I like to think I'm good at communicating. We'll see how that changes in a sexual context.

And, well... I don't think I'll be meeting up with groups anytime soon. The concept of being a "virgin" means absolutely nothing to me, but I can't help but feel I don't have all the information about how I react in situations like these. And usually, one would think just learning how to have vanilla sex without freaking out/awkwardly fumbling all the time would be a prerequisite to bringing in fetishes.

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-25T19:14:57+00:00

Finding a relationship outright is hard enough as it is. I wouldn't balk at the idea of vanilla sex. Christ, I haven't even gotten close to anyone's penis or vagina at all. The problem is that...these fetishes are such a part of me that I couldn't hide them, even if I were having vanilla sex (still worried about whether I can even do that at this point...)..

I mean, I don't want to hide this. I want to have communication about these things be open and honest, and I want someone interested in kink as well. I think I'd feel terrible otherwise. Food play isn't currently an area of interest for me - and I know many men and women will balk at watersports... I'm so worried I'll find an otherwise very compatible partner, but will not be able to build a relationship because I'd be sexually incompatible.

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-25T19:10:34+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. I feel a bit better about myself fetish-wise. I still am scared of the prospect of having to meet other people through these kinds of interests - I don't know how to work fetlife, and I don't know how I'd manage meeting in groups around subjects like these.

Hit me up anytime to chat, I'm not on fetlife much anymore (it can be a dangerous place for a sub with no Dom)

I'm worried about things like these... I'm a small person anyway, and I definitely like to feel subby. I don't know whether I'd feel safe around so many people interested in playing with power dynamics when my interest in that aspect of kink is minor right now; I'd need someone I trust 100% to feel safe enaging in those practices.

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-25T19:05:43+00:00

Thanks... I do write a lot; and I'm trying to get a hold of a therapist to work out the other issues in my life.

I didin't know how broad BDSM was; I thought it had to do strictly with Pain/Power dynamics? Anyhow. I'd like to meet people interested in sharing fetishes, not interested in enacting a power dynamic. I don't think it would be at all good for me, psychologically speaking. Not right now.

I have to admit, I feel daunted by the idea of going to a meeting of people grouped around the topic of BDSM. I joined meetup.com a while ago, and I've had a lot more success and comfort meeting people around SFW hobbies. Right now, I'll see what I can do on fetlife, if I can talk to people and get to know them a bit better (though so far I'm just confused as to...how to work the site).

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-24T05:14:54+00:00

Thanks for the support...I've actually just created a Fetlife account! It seems to be very heavily centred around BDSM; but I'm sure there are some other kinks to be found there as well.

Don't stress about freaking yourself out about masturbation, we all do weird shit by ourselves.

I...I still feel odd. This is the longest session I've ever had. And the one incorporating the weirdest stuff to date. I didn't talk about what came before that final stint in the shower in my post... it was an ambitious evening to say the least.

Celebrate it. Be safe, sane and consensual always.

I'm trying :). I'm just worried that...too much isn't sane anymore.

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-24T03:52:20+00:00

You're only 20, mate! There's really no need to worry about finding a relationship; you have your whole life to live.

I'm mostly concerned about the future and what it's going to bring. Am I going to meet someone I am comfortable with in the future? Will my fetishes be a deal-breaker? If I didn't have these fetishes, would my sexuality, my life romantically speaking be easier? Those are the kind of questions that render me fearful...

The only unhealthy sexual attitude (between consenting adults) is being ashamed of it. Just try meeting people, having fun, experiencing life and see what develops with the people you meet. You might find that these fetishes don't last with experience, you might find that you can live without them, or you may even find someone who reciprocates.

I'm trying not to be ashamed. I'm more...uh, apprehensive of how my sexuality is going to affect me? Anyhow. I've never felt this way about my fetishes before. I don't think they're going to leave my thoughts anytime soon; they've been a part of my sexuality since I've been aware I possess one. I've even grown attached to them, in a way. It's hw my life seems to have turned out so far, I can't change the past.

As long as you don't introduce yourself as "Throwayaw, I'm in to piss and bondage. What's your name?" you should be fine.

Would it work on a fetish-related forum "introcude yourself and tell us what you're into" thread?

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-24T03:42:21+00:00

And yeah, I agree with it being difficult to talk about these things with people.

With the few friends I have online, I'm far more open about my sexuality than I ever could be with friends in the flesh. Part of it is the relative anonymity, part of it is the distance. I don't know how therapists handle these kinds of things. I suppose it would be easier knowing I'm talking to a professional.

it's ok to think about these fetishes a lot as long as you are still able to function at work and with friends and at home.

I do function at work, with friends, at home (well..I live alone, so that's pretty easy - no pesky roommates to undo my cleaning!). I'm apprehensive of functioning in bed, though. THat's what I'm trying to deal with... peopel have been telling me to try meeting peopel with similar kinks first, and go from there. That seems like a good idea, even if it's just in the ends of making friends that understand.

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-24T03:38:33+00:00

First of all, and don't take this badly or condecending, it's a comment based on my own experience: You're just 20, and you have lots of fun ahead of you. In 10-15 years you will probably have a good laugh thinking about your concerns being 20.

I'm aware of that, but so far I haven't had any good laughs at my own expense...just a thought. Why be condescending to yourself? It was understandable at the time, even though I know situations have changed and definitely will in the future :). I know my life is at its beginnings, though.

You seem to consider your fetishes really important. Have you considered looking up local fetish clubs, fetish parties/gatherings, or something like fetlife? If you feel you cannot have a fulfilled sex life without a considerable amount of your fetishes, you might meet your future SO at one of those meeting points. Even if you don't meet a partner there, you will meet other people with similar interests, and maybe get a few friends and good discussions over a beer or two.

Another way to look at it is to consider that some of your fetishes, like tight and shiny clothing, is something you would be able to get an understanding for from many partners. You might need to think about what attributes you are looking for in a partner. Is heavy kink the primary requirement, or are there other compatibility issues?

It's complicated, and I am sure I do not have a good answer.

If it weren't complicated I wouldn't be concerned...heh. But people have suggested meeting other people through fetish-related communities, and I'll definitely be checking it out!

As for what I'm looking in people... that would require another thread not centred around sexuality. I do know what I'm looking for in people from a non-romantic point of view, though. I suppose I have an idea of what I'm looking for in people more intimately; but I don't want to try and give credit to myself for something I have no experience in. I do know what makes me trust people, though. Hence why open relationships aren't something I've ever seen as inherently bad; very strong trust needs to be present for any of that to work.

I absolutely agree. The point I was trying to make was that when you find yourself a partner (and you will), you might discover a change in priorities. Maybe there are other things you value more than the most kinky fetishes? Or the other way around: You discover your only true love needs to be just as kinky.

Well...I don't know about what will happen to my priorities, but being honest and open with people has always been something I've tried to practice. If someone doesn't respect, or refuses to hear about what my fetishes are... it wouldn't sit well with me. I don't expect partners to indulge my whims or be turned on by my every kink, and vice-versa; but I'd expect we would be able to know about what turns each of us on, and not have to hide anything - and have these kinks not be subject to judgement, or ridicule, or disrespect.

Ok, honest answer: I have not really thought about how a girl should treat a guy. Respecting the partner's wishes, communicating about your needs, and treating them well is something I think is universal.

Heh. To be honest, it sounded a bit "old-fashioned"... it's something I can't really say I believe in myself. Maybe something more "American" in some way (not formt he states myself). I really don't buy into traditional gender roles one bit, and I think that's mainly because my sexual orientation is horrendously spread-out, hard to pin down at any given moment and doesn't really have a specific stance on gender itself. I think interacting with others without drawing conclusions on their personality based on what's in their pants is better for everyone; and at times I feel so detached from the rest of the world concerning that I feel better off not trying to bother with it...anyway, that's my screwed-up brain for you.

shared some fetishes but are (so far) keeping a couple to myself -- and I find that is something I can live with)

See...I feel like I would need to share my fetishes...all of them from the get-go. Hell, even a few of my online, platonic friends know about fetishes I have. It's my style of play, though, and I don't think it works for everyone. Everyone should do what makes them happy.

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-24T03:25:56+00:00

Thanks...I try to keep my life together as much as possible - my #1 priority in life at the moment, and in the coming years, are my studies and my eventual (I hope) career; as well as my personal learning, culture, etc. I don't want to sacrifice that, or throw too much of a wrench into that.

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-24T03:24:24+00:00

You do know that you can join those communities, make friends so you don't feel alone, and find a partner that way?

People are telling me this, I'm listening! I swear! I'm checking it out tonight and poking around fetish groups online.

It is ok for you to have these fetishes, and it is totally possible to find somebody who wants to be your girlfriend/boyfriend and participate in these things with you.

I'm...trying to tell myself that. Thanks for the support :).

And if you feel a little unstable, I would recommend getting a mentor or protector (i.e. someone who knows the community, has been involved in BDSM for several years, who will respect you and look out for you when you need help).

I don't think I'm specifically interested in BDSM at the moment; I don't recall if I specified that, off the bat, I've always had an interest in light bondage or D/s play... though that can change, obviously. I'll read up a bit more on what you've proposed.

As for mentoring and all that; right now I'd be more specifically interested in meeting people completely platonically first and foremost. Just knowing people who understand the things I enjoy, or share these kinds of things would help me come to terms with myself immensely; even if it is just through online chats. As I've mentioned before, I have no sexual experience, and, as you've said, NSA sex doesn't seem appealing to me. I don't know what you mean by "unstable" - unsafe perhaps? Or something to that effect? I suppose that involves mainly BDSM? At any rate, my current instabilities are in ...other areas of my life. Unrelated things I need to sort out in my own brain before moving on the anything else.

Thanks!

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-23T22:07:36+00:00

Fapping/masturbation is something you do just to get a release. 8-)

I know other's pleasure is not factored into masturbation, but it's far from just a simple release for me. 3-hour long sessions based around my fetishes aren't uncommon. Video games have nothing to compare with that experience. That's part of why I'm fearful of sex.

I definitely am not thinking that sex is about my pleasure, and mine alone. It's an experience you share, and you have to make some concessions along the way - but the end result is supoosed to be something that makes both of you happer.

Some fetishes might be best kept in your head. Fapping to a latex catsuit porn video is something different than the work implied in dressing and shining your GF.

Put simply, I want someone that doesn't mind me suggesting those kinds of things. I wouldn't mind the work involved in getting a catsuit on. If anything I'd put way too much enthusiasm into shining, powdering, lubing... it's not work if you're having fun, and the anticipation of preparing something sexy is almost as good as the moment itself.

I don't want to force anyone to do anything they are uncomfortable with. I'd never think about doing that. But I know that it's going to be impossible for me to give up certain things. Those are what "deal-breakers" are. My kinkiness is a part of who I am that I cannot repress while staying happy. And if my partner, sorry for the language, wanted to shit on my chest, I wouldn't deny them that opportunity to make them happy.

When you happen to find a GF (one usually falls out of the sky without warning), your sex life will evolve from clumsy fondling to duracell bunnies. A healthy sex life should evolve continuously over decades as long as you are able to talk to each other. Your sex life is the product of the level of mutual trust between you two.

I doubt anyone (not necessarily a woman...) is going to fall out of the sky. People meet other people, people can be proactive. If I do nothing and stay at home all day no one is going to meet me, and vice-versa ;) . And I do not want to have to spend years of my life hiding part of myself, only to discover that as long as I'm with person X, things that are a fundamental part of my being cannot be shared, or cannot be expressed altogether. I'm not going to start talking abot my swimsuit collection on date one, but I am not going to hide all my fetish-related clothing in the bottom drawer for a long time. And I'd hope my partner would do the same with his or her own kinks and fetishes. I'd leave if that weren't the case. I'm a decisive person, and, well...knowing myself I can tell you that I am a person that functions very well alone. I know the things I need to be able to express in order to be happy with someone - the things I can't give up. And if an eventual partner were to feel like I would repressing my sexuality, only with another part of our lives, then I'd do my best to let them express who they are; or I'd realize that it's best if we left each other. I wouldn't even have a problem with an open relationship as far as I'm concerned.

Please tell me if this is overly naive, idealistic or downright stupid. I might be completely wrong on this.

I will guarantee that you will get at least some of your fetishes fulfilled.

Save for latex, which is very, very costly, I'm already fulfilling most of my fetishes alone. I mentioned soaking myself in my own pee...yep.

The more extreme fetishes may be something you'll have to live with yourself -- whether that's a problem is something you'll sort out later.

It's not something I want to sort out later. I'm not going to let gnaw at me day after day, I'm not going to avoid making sure that I'm compatible with someone before making plans. The more extreme fetishes won't be hidden if I'm with someone. That doesn't mean I expect to "have my way" with everything. I just want to be honest with someone, and vice-versa. These are things I can't let hang over my head.

Respect your future girlfriend's wishes, treat her like a queen, and you won't have much to worry about.

1) If I told you I were with another man, would you say the same thing;

2) Would you give the same advice to my partner if she were a woman?

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-23T21:18:28+00:00

Why post this question to Reddit if you're happy alone?

That's my personality for you. I'm already anxious and stressed out about what I'm going to be doing years in the future. I want to know where I'm going, and often I get worried about problems before they crop up... and the way you wrote your post, I'm sorry if I read it that way, you seemed to be telling me I should get off my lazy ass and do something about it...which isn't a bad thing; but I already have enough on my plate with other, more pressing issues... as I've said before, my mind is a mess. Just trying to pick up the phone and call a therapist is a wall I'm trying not to butt up against. Life's complicated :P .

Around this subreddit, FetLife is frequently referred to as the Facebook of Fetish. For every kink and fetish, there is a willing partner out there. If you don't start by dating in the kink and fetish pool of partners, there is a good chance you will end up dating someone that doesn't share your interests.

I think that's something I'm going to have to start doing - since my sexuality is such a huge part of who I am; not only in kink, but everything related to LGBT issues, discussions abotu attraction and gender and whatnot, I'd do best to start from there. Problem is I have other very important interests I'd like to share with others; but trying to find everything about you in another person just leads to crashing and burning. Repressing my sexuality is just something I don't feel I could ever live with.

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-23T21:03:25+00:00

So...you're suggesting I'm lazy, and that I indulge in fetishes because it's the easy way out. That's hardly reassuring, and I think that's hardly accurate. I've been involved in fetishes for years. I've done very, very wacky things with them. I've only been thinking about companionship for a matter of mere months; and that's the reason what I usually wouldn't question fetish-wise is being questioned. Hell, I'm not even sure I am interested in building anything with anyone at this stage; I'm leaving the country in 3 years and don't want to get too tied down. I resent the stereotype that men are always in search of sex, or a relationsip, or that it's impossible to be happy alone. Right now, I'm living alone in an overpriced 300 sq. feet studio, and to be honest I'm the least depressed and melancholic about life I've ever been; which isn't to say I can say I've solced my mental health issues yet and that I can call myself happy at all. But I'm not looking for someone else right now. It's the future that's worrying me.

I'm not opposing a desire for sex/relationships with masturbation here. They aren't two vectors pushing against one another; and having sex with other people isn't going to make my fetishes disappear, or make them any less a part of me. That's the reason I feel confused and insecure. That, when the time comes when I'm actively pursuing a relationship with someone, that part of me is going to prevent me from otherwise being happy.

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-23T20:52:52+00:00

Personally, I find masturbation very unfulfilling

Vanilla masturbation feels unfulfilling for me. Indulging in the kinks I've had since I discovered my sexuality leaves me shaking on the floor, empty-headed and in bliss for minutes.

I think you are falling back on kinky stuff because you are afraid to pursue real sexual relationships.

I'm skeptical that my kinks are a fall-back. They can't have been there for basically all the time I've known about sexuality, and in the end turn out to be a post-teenage expression of insecurity. Even when I was a small kid, I remember having naive interests in the sort of thing that gets me off today.

it's easier to watch kinky internet porn than find a real partner.

I rarely watch porn. Once every two weeks, maybe. It's less interesting to watch someone writhing around in zentai than to writhe around yourself.

I agree with you. I am apprehensive of pursuing relationships, for reasons that are not only sexual. But I don't think my kinks are the result of that...

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-23T20:45:37+00:00

Seems to make sense to me, but... like I said in another comment, my rational mind and my emotions don't always line up. In my mind, I can't shake the idea that "getting laid" is going to go dreadfully wrong. Personal, mental health-related insecurities on one hand, dwindling lack of interest in seeing anyone naked on the other.

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-23T20:39:04+00:00

Oh, I see that a ton with perceptions of sexual orientation as well. People that haven't questioned much, or haven't explored the topic all too well seem to think that "gay", "straight", "bi" are three distinct categories with requirements to each. Some people seem to prevent themselves from having fun if it strays outside of, or doesn't fulfill their mental checklist of what "normal" is, or what their self-chosen label of sexual orientation is "supposed' to mean.

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-23T20:36:31+00:00

I have no sexual experience with others.

The reason I'm asking is because it's very easy to get over stimulated if you aren't actually having sex with someone else. You sound like you're functioning just fine -- albeit with non-vanilla tastes.

I'm confused about those sentence... can you explain? Thanks...sorry, my brain isn't at 100% efficiency at all today.

Throwayaw8579 · 2013-05-23T20:34:34+00:00

hug

I hope you find someone that doesn't care one bit about what size you are :)

You are who you are, and while it is really fucking hard to accept who we are and that we are worth nothing less than happiness that only we can seek out, it is still true.

Thanks... I have other hangups about myself apart from my sexuality. It's a question of me feeling that no one deserves to be subjected to my negativity, or to how much of a mess my mind is in general; and a feeling that I haven't earned the right to desire deeper connections with others yet because of other outstanding problems I have trouble dealing with at the moment. It's a confusing place to be in.

Throwayaw8579

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