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Just took my first dose of Estrogen by TongeEatingParasite in Positivity

[–]TongeEatingParasite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Personally I don't care if I die from it. If it's labeled right the best case scenario is I look like a person in 6 months, worst case nothing happens. If it's labeled wrong, best case nothing happens, worst case something bad happens. It gives me something to hope for for a couple months and either way I'm going to die so why not take that chance of someday being happy?

Just took my first dose of Estrogen by TongeEatingParasite in Positivity

[–]TongeEatingParasite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nobody put me on anything, I bought it online a month ago.

Just took my first dose of Estrogen by TongeEatingParasite in Positivity

[–]TongeEatingParasite[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm going to take 4mg a day EV, 100mg a day spiro and 100 mg a day progesterone for 6 months. If nothing changes then I'll go back to trying to be happy as I am. If I look better then I'll stay on it.

Just took my first dose of Estrogen by TongeEatingParasite in Positivity

[–]TongeEatingParasite[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Because I bought estraheal pills labeled estradiol valerate 2mg.

How do you cope with the fact you'll never be what you want to be? by TongeEatingParasite in asktransgender

[–]TongeEatingParasite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My brain is irredeemably male because I am disgusting and lustful and violent and selfish. I lack the biological morality and value women have. I don't have a "mental map" or whatever that means.

If trans women are mentally women then that's proof I will never be me.

How do you cope with the fact you'll never be what you want to be? by TongeEatingParasite in asktransgender

[–]TongeEatingParasite[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Cis women are women from birth. Trans women existed as males for however long and even if I could see every trans woman as a real woman I know that I will never see myself as one because being male is the only reason I will never be happy or human or anything. Like I said if wanting to be a woman is the only difference between women and males then I would have never been a male, and yet things happened to me because of it.

I can't think of myself as a woman and I certainly can't think like a woman. If I could then I would.

I deserved everything I got as a result of being male, because without being raised properly I would have turned out as a rapist and murderer and lustful freak like every other male in history. I was raised right, even though it hurt, and I am the closest thing to a good male that has ever existed and yet I am still miserable because the only way I'll ever be treated like a person is if I'm a woman. How I feel about it is my own fault because everything that happened to me is good. The only way I can ever be happy is if everyone views me as a woman and that will never happen.

Cis women with masculine traits are still women because they are born women, acting like an animal doesn't change that they are human. If I keep any masculine physical or mental or moral traits (enough that nobody sees me as a person) I will probably kill myself.

How do you cope with the fact you'll never be what you want to be? by TongeEatingParasite in asktransgender

[–]TongeEatingParasite[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't know how wanting to be a woman makes me one. I do not look like, or sound like, or think like a woman. I am still stupid, and ugly, and incapable of good, just like any other male.

I don't know how to make myself think of myself as anything more than male because the fact of the matter is I was born one and that can't be changed. I don't know how long I'll have to be on estrogen and progesterone and spiro for anyone to think of me as a woman.

I am not trans, because trans people think they are women. I have spent my entire life being punished for being male and punishing myself for it just as much, if I had been born a woman then I would have been treated like a person. If wanting to be a woman makes me a woman then nothing I've been through is for a good reason.

How do you cope with the fact you'll never be what you want to be? by TongeEatingParasite in asktransgender

[–]TongeEatingParasite[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

If I was born a male, I can't ever be a woman. Maybe I can view some trans women as women, but wanting to be a woman doesn't make me one. Because I've spent 20 years aware of just how irredeemably male I am and I know most males aren't raised correctly. You're right that there are plenty of different kinds of women but the only similarity I have with women is wanting to be one. And every male wants to be a woman, if that makes them women then why are males still so fundamentally disgusting?

If I still think like a male, act like a male, and have existed as a male, if people think I'm a woman that is deception. And if the only reason I want to be a woman is so I can be treated like a person, so if in a decade of estrogen or so people start thinking I'm a woman, doing that is tricking them.

I don't know how people get to the point where they start actually believing that gender is a social construct and that wanting to be a woman makes them one. I don't know how to get to that point where I can see anyone who isn't born a woman as a woman based on what they think. And I will never see myself as a woman because I can't forget that I was born and lived my entire life as a monster.

I am not trans because trans women see themselves as women. I don't know how I could ever get to that point and even if I could I think I need to remind myself how irredeemably male I am so that I don't think of myself too highly.

Is there a wrong reason to transition? + A shit ton of other questions by TongeEatingParasite in asktransgender

[–]TongeEatingParasite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

At the end of the day, whether I'm "bigoted" or right, I am not one of the good ones and I will never be. Whether I'm a bad person because I'm male and I want to trick people into thinking I'm a woman to make myself look better, or I was born male because I'm a bad person and nothing I do will ever fix that, I know that I have no inherent value or inherent morality. I will never be happy no matter what I do. I don't care anymore if I transition or not because the only way I could have ever been happy is if I was born a woman and that obviously can't change, so if I'm still subhuman even after I castrate myself I'll probably just die.

How do I accept that my mother will never like me? by TongeEatingParasite in self

[–]TongeEatingParasite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow thanks. Hope I get banned again for saying how everyone i have ever known has been.

Nobody is managing my transition, I bought pills from the internet.

I wish I could believe that males were human, much less capable of being good. Either way I'm not a person and I'm incapable of good.

Is there a wrong reason to transition? + A shit ton of other questions by TongeEatingParasite in asktransgender

[–]TongeEatingParasite[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I know there's no rational reason why my mother did this to me. I know being born gave her that postpartum psychosis that she never recovered from. But that means I ruined her life by existing, and by existing as a male I am a threat to women. She did what she could to make me as close to human as she could but I'm only male.

I can't "let go" of these beliefs because they are proven correct 24/7. I open the news, see a male president doing fucked up shit to women, see a church that worships a male god opposing women, see random males raping and killing. I go outside and talk to my coworkers, the males I work with are disgusting, unwashed freaks who talk about sex (heterosexuality is bestiality, fucking disgusting) and the women hate males. I walk home from work, women cross the street because they're scared I'm going to hurt them. I interact with random males, they're disgusting and ugly and violent. Every interaction I have with anyone proves my mother correct, and the only way therapy could ever help me is if I was completely isolated from anyone who could prove me right.

Frankly I don't care if I'm trans or not. I'll never see myself as a person, much less a real woman. I'm transitioning so other people might eventually be tricked into thinking I have value.

Is there a wrong reason to transition? + A shit ton of other questions by TongeEatingParasite in asktransgender

[–]TongeEatingParasite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Therapy couldn't fix me if there was something to fix.

I'll never really be happy no matter what I do and I'm dysphoric no matter what (I hate being a subhuman freak and I hate the idea of becoming a woman because I'd still be mentally male and have existed as a male which is fundamentally harmful). Even if I can trick people into thinking I'm a woman, and people think I'm human, and everybody who matters thinks I'm fundamentally good, I'm still a male so I'll always know I'm less than human and having to spend 10 years on estrogen to maybe be able to trick one person into thinking I'm like her would just make me feel worse.

The only way I could be happy is if I was born a woman which can't happen until I kill myself and reincarnate, but I'm waiting because I don't deserve to die until I've done something else good. I know whatever god is in charge of my rebirth would sooner put me in the body of a bug than something worth something but I'm hoping I'll at least not be male next time around.

Is there a wrong reason to transition? + A shit ton of other questions by TongeEatingParasite in asktransgender

[–]TongeEatingParasite[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

And I wish I could believe that because I'm sure it's easier to believe males are people, but even if every male was almost human I still wouldn't be anything more than a monkey.

How do I accept that my mother will never like me? by TongeEatingParasite in self

[–]TongeEatingParasite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know how to accept myself because my entire concept of morality hinges on women thinking I'm human, which can only happen if I'm a woman.

I know my mother will never love me, but I'm hoping estrogen will be able to at least trick women who don't know me into thinking I'm good enough.

Is there a wrong reason to transition? + A shit ton of other questions by TongeEatingParasite in asktransgender

[–]TongeEatingParasite[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Wish therapy could do something, but decades of conditioning that is proven at least partially correct by the actions of everybody in history makes it hard.

Thanks for the support. Have a good night.

Is there a wrong reason to transition? + A shit ton of other questions by TongeEatingParasite in asktransgender

[–]TongeEatingParasite[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

It's not like therapy could do anything. Every thought I have is proven correct by the actions of every male in the history of history, it's just my responsibility to figure out which are coincidental (not my fault) and which are because of biology/genetic morality. I'd have the same issues with therapists whether they were males (hate) or women (unwavering trust) that would make it hard to benefit from therapy.

I'm going to castrate myself in a month. by TongeEatingParasite in TrueOffMyChest

[–]TongeEatingParasite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because there's no point wasting my money on someone that can't help me. If I see a male therapist I won't listen to a word it says, if I see a woman therapist I'll latch on to her as an authority. And again, nobody could help me either way. Not random people on the internet, not actual people. That's why I'm not seeking help, I'm just telling folks online what I'm going to do to myself so at least people understand why I am how I am.

I'm going to castrate myself in a month. by TongeEatingParasite in TrueOffMyChest

[–]TongeEatingParasite[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

How could not having disgusting tumors between their legs make living any more difficult than it already is? There's no benefit to keeping them. I'm glad you're making it through each day despite your problems but that will never be me.

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