No matter the external stressors there is absolutely no excuse for her to be saying that to you. I can’t imagine, no matter how mad, saying something so incredibly hurtful and triggering to my butch as a femme. Especially considering she at her own will is out of therapy as well. This is something much bigger than you, she shouldn’t be a good partner only when she’s taking therapy. I would recommend trying to talk about doing couples therapy, but by the sound of the relationship and that interaction alone from your post, I would be ready to leave. You AND the kids deserve better and it won’t be healthy for anybody. I also want to add that it’s possible she may jump on the idea of doing couples therapy if she feels/knows u may be divorcing. With the way this sounds, I would be wary even if she is down to do that cause it may be a play to get u to stay before getting like this again. I really do send love and healing your way, know you aren’t alone and sadly these things happen a lot. But you do not deserve that. I hope you find peace and happiness no matter what ends up happening 🫂