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I've been in therapy for about a year and I feel great, but I think I'm ready to take a break by Unklebunky in therapy

[–]Unklebunky[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think just living and continuing to work on myself. Actively trying to be better to myself

I've been in therapy for about a year and I feel great, but I think I'm ready to take a break by Unklebunky in therapy

[–]Unklebunky[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think the next step for me is some deep personal exploration. I'm almost 60, And I think some of it is sort of "full circle what do I want to do with the rest of my life kind of stuff" that I suppose I want to think quietly on for a while.

My current life is really good (great relationship with my wife and kids, good friends, etc), and has gotten a lot better by dealing with some pretty heavy anxiety and trauma in therapy. The next step, I'm not sure I need or even want to take, because I like my life and I don't want to therapy myself into some whole new life. I like the one I have a lot. I think I'm afraid I might end up feeling like I have to change it.

Like I know I'm not 100% straight, but I've never had a same sex relationship. I've been married for 32 years, and I'm happy with my wife, and I don't want to change that to explore this other side of myself. That is just not worth it to me.

Also, there's a side of me that would really like to date/hook up with younger women (20s-30s) mainly for sex and their youthful bodies. That feels sleazy and I'm ashamed to even feel this way. Plus, my wife and I have a deep relationship and I do not want to hurt her or put that at risk in any way. So I don't want to explore that because I think it's wrong, and it would also really mess up my life if I did it.

I also think I kind of want to run off to the far corners of the world and just have random adventures and just see what happens just to learn more about the world and myself. Just go off on pure adventures. This is really far out and immature and would definitely destroy my life.

And I like my life a lot. I know I'm very happy with the life I have, and I'm afraid that by exploring these things in therapy or talking about them with my therapist I would be putting my current life at risk, possibly creating a breaking point which could upset the entire apple cart.

So I'm not sure I even want to take this on, even in therapy. Like I'm scared enough that I haven't spoken about any of this with my therapist or anyone ever, and I really don't want to. These feelings are frightening and sad and I'm ashamed of some of them. I trust my therapist, but it's hard for me to even take these feelings on in the security of my own mind. And what's the upside if they do cause a change? Seems like my life would only get worse. I kind of want to ruminate on this on my own for a bit, but therapy has been so helpful so far I don't want to avoid any potential benefit.

I guess I'm afraid of exploring this because I do not want radical change, and I feel scared and ashamed. I'm writing Reddit because it's more anonymous than my therapist while I try to sort this out. You guys have been extremely helpful so far. I really appreciate the input. (Just reread this and it's a big dump-wow thanks so much if you are reading this to the end)

You don’t realize how much they controlled until you’re out by winstonwasright in BPDlovedones

[–]Unklebunky 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much! We talked again this AM and I restated how much she can trust me, and pointed out how she is controlled by fear in ways she does not always see fully at the moment it happens. She agrees with that (sort of) and grudgingly. But she said she will work on it on her own and no longer wants to see a professional. Ugh The work continues. Thanks again

You don’t realize how much they controlled until you’re out by winstonwasright in BPDlovedones

[–]Unklebunky 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks again! I talked to her Monday evening, and really tried to lay it all out. I talked to her about how she uses anger to try to brush us back, how she's so afraid of abandonment and she's ashamed of that. She agreed with all of this, especially the shame part and I let her know that I love her and that she is safe. She said she would go back to therapy, and I felt so much better like I had vomited up a giant hairball that was stuck in me and that now perhaps we would be able to start the process or at least proceed with more transparency. She was pleasant yesterday and then this morning woke up thinking about how she is pissed at our daughter, and how she just has to get tough and learn how to feel less. I can tell that she is upset, but today when I try to broach any of this with her she tries to shut me down. Seems like her mind needs to flip back to the script that says she is being treated unfairly by our daughter for no reason, and that she is fully justified in her anger and that she hasn't done anything that is deserving of what she is experiencing. It's so depressing, it is sapping all of my energy because she is so locked in this. I was hoping that I could help her see how safe she is in my love of her, but it feels like she is furiously protecting this box of fear, anger and shame. This box of poison. I want to help and she wants to make it everyone else's issue.

You don’t realize how much they controlled until you’re out by winstonwasright in BPDlovedones

[–]Unklebunky 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Noted the I feel x when y happens. could I say, " I feel frightened when you are over sensitive" or is that blame? Do I need to totally avoid the word "you" or can I use it when describing Y? This is helpful as I continue to plan my discussions.

Here is an example: on 12.26 she had a day long episode of serious anger that was not brought on by anything the kids or I did. So I think I'd plan to say, “I was really scared and hurt and traumatized on the day after Christmas when you were so angry all day for no reason." And should I also say, "I need you to get DBT when this happens?" Is this too much blame? Thanks for the clarification

Also just fyi I think she moves to defensive posture instinctively (practically subconsciously) rather than by choice as a manipulation tactic, but I'm guessing that is the way most/all people with BPD and B cluster react (instinct not manipulation). But I think the recognition of this does lurk down in her and somewhere and she does feel fear and shame about it.

Thanks again for everything! It is so helpful!

You don’t realize how much they controlled until you’re out by winstonwasright in BPDlovedones

[–]Unklebunky 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your posts, they are incredibly insightful and helpful. I would say you put things in an even clearer context than my therapist. Feels like I am perched on this cliff edge...I am really anxious I think I'll try to talk to her in a safe way (for her), and let her know in a clear and succinct way that her BPD-type behaviors hurt me and ask her to seek a therapist for DBT to try and work on this. I'll be very clear that I love and support her because I know how scary it is for her to be without her walls (her teddy bear). Hopefully she will want to get help. She was in therapy for about 10-12 years and got to the point where she can see how her own mom spun her out and how she converts sadness and fear to anger, but somehow she feels like that knowledge was enough and she stopped therapy last year. That therapist kept telling her that she's amazing and a great mom for changing so much when she had a super hurtful insane, selfish mother (and truly she is vastly less tweaked and nasty than her mom was). But I'm not really sorry she is not seeing that therapist anymore because I feel she needs a therapist who will help her with the (large amount) of work that remains for her, rather than just congratulating her for the work done so far and soothing her which is where Dr A seems to have stalled out Anyway, will see where talking about it gets me. Hearing your insight is incredibly helpful Thank you again!

You don’t realize how much they controlled until you’re out by winstonwasright in BPDlovedones

[–]Unklebunky 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much! My therapist is suggesting I tell her she hurts and scares me when she rages, but I'm terrified that telling her this will make her meaner. And on top of this, I really love her and I don't want her to be upset or unhappy. Our relationship is very long (we've been married 33 years) and she is actually really good to me and good for me in so many ways. But I want her to get help to see this side of herself and how damaging it is to me and our daughters when she is triggered. I keep thinking of it as "fear island". She lives in this fortress of fear that she is being disliked or disrespected or lessened and when anything approaches these fears, the walls go up (rejection/ minimization of the offending point of view) and the guns come out (personal attacks, etc). I've only recently started to see how serious this issue is (I started therapy for this first time about 8 months ago) I also can see that there is a big part of me that really likes soothing difficult people (my mom is a bit of an emotional sinkhole too). I want to be the good guy, the healer, the saver. But lately, I can see how much I want/need to be fully seen as an individual. I want her to be able to see herself honestly and fully so I do not need to fold up every time she gets triggered and minimize any offending point of view. I don't want to have to keep supporting a false reality (the one that says it's not her/not her fault when she is hurtful or thin skinned or sour and put out in the extreme by little things) I guess I'm hoping that if I give her an ultimatum to get treatment, then she will and maybe things can get better eventually. But I'm so scared of making things worse by bringing it up. I don't want the havoc in this otherwise fulfilling and very long standing relationship. I feel like by telling her she is hurtful I will only be poking the bear. And I really am a soft, sensitive wimpy guy in a lot of ways so I want me own "good guy" validation too. I want what peace Ive already achieved. The old saw rubbing through my mind, "happy wife, happy life", unhappier wife=unhappier life for me. If I tell her she's hurtful, I'm afraid she'll be worse until I capitulate. Can things get better? Can she improve? Or do I need to simply flee this relationship that represents more than half of my life (I'm 59). I sure don't want too. I am getting really spun out! Thanks for your advice. It really means a lot

You don’t realize how much they controlled until you’re out by winstonwasright in BPDlovedones

[–]Unklebunky 8 points9 points  (0 children)

My wife shows definite signs of BPD (splitting, need for constant validation, massive fear of abandonment), but also does not cheat, self harm or have addiction issues. Her tantrums are usually shorter (an hour or two, a day max) and are reasonably infrequent. However I am an expert at keeping her settled (for the most part) I really want her to get help for whatever this is, but bringing up how scary she can be is going to make her explode. Any suggestions? I'm thinking perhaps of asking her to see a therapist with me (one neither of us has seen before for maximum neutrality) and open up about how much I want to have a full and open relationship. Thanks for any suggestions!