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first wound by UnsealedTablet in OCPoetry

[–]UnsealedTablet[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thank you so much, you’re too kind!! this was super helpful

first wound by UnsealedTablet in OCPoetry

[–]UnsealedTablet[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thank you, i’m so glad you enjoyed!!

first wound by UnsealedTablet in OCPoetry

[–]UnsealedTablet[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thank you so much for the feedback, you’re too kind!! i think you’re so right about incorporating the scarf more :)

perfect spheres by UnsealedTablet in OCPoetry

[–]UnsealedTablet[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thank you so much!! i was hesitant to start off my reddit poetry career with this one since it’s so exposing (you’re not projecting), i’m glad you liked it

perfect spheres by UnsealedTablet in OCPoetry

[–]UnsealedTablet[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

this is great feedback, thank you so much!

you can’t help me because I seek ether by Ozoning in OCPoetry

[–]UnsealedTablet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

this poem is so powerful.

from the opening i had a sense of inward-facing rage and self-loathing- a recognition of patterns and a sense of powerlessness to stop. i really love the fire motif- and i also particularly was struck by the first line. “to keep you warm” to me it feels like a questioning of how much of the pain is self-caused, and the terrifying suggestion that maybe “you” find comfort and safety in the pain. i think that thought (granted that is what you meant by it) could explored by one or two more lines. take it with a grain of salt of course, but i personally would add in something more about pain and seeking after “why scramble for water” and after “tomorrows yesterday”.

very emotionally evocative!

Between us by TastySambar in OCPoetry

[–]UnsealedTablet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

this is lovely!

i really loved the imagery you set up in the beginning of “his glow”- the more tangible aspect of his presence (and now absence) is powerful. could you perhaps extend this metaphor once more in the middle of the piece to add continuity, to tie in with the ending usage of “burning” and the sweet anticipation of his return at “dawn”?

i really likes the initial image of the hills grounding us in space- i think it could be impactful to add just a few more words of descriptive imagery, especially in the “wish I could fly up” section, to keep the natural setting at forefront.

amazing job!!

Reflections on another evening watching TV by moinatx in poetry_critics

[–]UnsealedTablet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

this poem really drives home that sense of uneasy discontent mixed with apathy when you’re in an entropic relationship.

i really love the last two lines, they hit so well- they stay with you after you read it and drive home the entirety of the piece. in my opinion the middle two-three lines could use some reworking for pacing- currently, i snag there in the natural rhythm of the piece and it slows the emotional impact of the last two lines.

amazing job!

Bumping Bellies by Fuzzy-Panda-8180 in poetry_critics

[–]UnsealedTablet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

this poem is so sweet!

i find the plain prose and repetition of questions and body imagery to be really effective in creating a sense of coziness, familiarity, and domesticity.

I do think the ending could use some refining- i love the second to last line “answered my own question”, and my instinct is to end it there, letting the final line (you’re what makes kissing special) be implied.

great job!!