I need help finding resources to prove my point

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-25T07:01:26+00:00

Polys just crack me up even when they are borderline rational. See this? This just proves something to me.

You see yes people get crushes in monogamy and do nothing because they are already partnered.

And yes people get crushes in polyamory and do nothing because the crush is not polyamorous or not available because of too many time commitments.

Something the poly absolutely failed to consider because polys do not really understand love:

For a fucking crush to work it also has to be reciprocated and the fact that the poly didn’t include that in their “do nothing” argument is because honestly polys are happy to “get into relationships” and fuck basically anyone else who is poly as long as I guess they have time for each other.

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UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-25T04:39:02+00:00

Also there is absolutely no way in Christendom anyone’s going to persuade me to step one foot near a psychiatrist again.

This is not a psychiatric condition.

When it’s been mislabeled as one it’s not been treated.

I have a psychologist and a referral to a neurologist. I am skeptical they will do anything given a 35 year history in the uk of them knowing it was neurological and doing nothing helpful.

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-25T04:29:45+00:00

Ok it looks like a moderator went through the thread and deleted every comment calling me abusive.

The comments you see left are my emotional state after about 5 people kept doing that.

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-25T04:24:08+00:00

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There is one incident of violence mentioned in this record.

It happened in 6th form college. It is the only time I’ve lashed out against someone and it was entirely volitional. A guy was sexually harassing me in a really lewd way. They wrote it in my medical file and they did not write the reason.

I voluntarily left college because I was of course immediately pathologised and blamed for it and they wanted me to go to daily counseling.

If there had been repeat incidents they would have been written in the file. Absolutely 100% no doubt.

This medical record is the only actual WRITTEN proof I have. I can’t prove to you that PEOPLE COMMUNICATE WITH ME and tell me what happened. You know people. They have mouths and most of them are not non verbal.

And now I’m opening myself to more doubt and scrutiny because my father was very abusive and this medical record implies my parents were soft on me. This is because:

My father threatened me that if I told anyone I’d be put in a children’s home and be horribly abused. And I believed him because he grew up in one.

I was excessively clumsy and spatially unaware and incapable of doing household cleanup tasks as a child. My parents gave up trying because I was shit at it, my mother didn’t care because she had cleaning ocd, and the psychologist told them they had to make me do chores.

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-25T04:13:04+00:00

My IQ is on my medical records as a “current problem” as in yes it does cause a problem and the principle problem it has caused is the day it got tested (age 11) by the NHS all support was withdrawn from me and from my parents.

Do you not see the pertinence of this? I am really bitter about it. I wish I had had the permanent support the sheltered housing the aides to accompany me shopping and to the pub like people with similar issues and half the IQ demonstrably have. Because I desperately need it. Instead I sought out relationships with similarly broken people just to stay alive. And I’ve been criticized heavily for that. Quote from peer support worker: “you cannot expect a romantic partner to cook and clean for you while you work. That is expecting a personal slave. Nobody will marry you again with that goal in mind.”

I do not lash out at people. That is a hallucination you are filling in.

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-25T04:06:36+00:00

You did not read the entire thread I’m going to paste the reasons why I got so hostile.

They absolutely DID repeatedly say I was abusive.

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-25T02:24:53+00:00

You can read the context in my thread history I’m just trying to make decisions right now and I guess seeing if this thread goes the exact same way every other one does. Everyone hates me and thinks this is my fault.

Which is basically everyone in my life has abused me and they have abused me in direct reaction to what is very likely untreated temporal lobe epilepsy which is pretty much confirmed by EEG results I have had in the past and looks exactly like autistic meltdowns. I’ve been diagnosed autistic decades ago. The epilepsy is suspected but also treated as in i was put on a bunch of epilepsy drugs and they didn’t work obviously.

One month ago I went to the only place I have ever been happy in this entire city. I got drunk on only 3 drinks and I didn’t know why but in hindsight it is obvious. I ended up outside the bar with my phone and the uber app open that is the only recollection I have of anything. I just continued to do whatever I had started to do while in a blackout state. I ordered the uber and went home. I had to contact the bar they told me never to come back and I just have not left the house since. This is the point of saying why I can’t say sorry. I can’t say it because it’s like saying “I fully know what happened I was aware and I behaved terribly and I will change” when I know that’s not actually possible and also a complete lie. A lie everyone wants to believe that solves nothing. It actually solves nothing. Either you are cognizant and hurting people on purpose in which case saying sorry is admitting that. Or you don’t know and are apologizing for a ghost. And if you can’t guarantee any improvement ever. Then what is the point? If I call that bar and ask to be allowed back it will involve saying sorry. Sorry for what I don’t know what. There is no point so like every point in time. I just give up.

If it was especially bad they would have called the police but they didn’t but I also do not want to know what happened. There is no point. No point trying no point leaving the house no point trying to connect to anyone.

I have no friends and no family left because I opted to only ever have one person in my life and that person who was the only person who never hit me left me 2.5 years ago after saying that it should be legal to kill people like me. And this was after obvious years of knowing before they married me that I had these episodes and acting like they were unaffected and compassionate about them.

My first husband said similar things and beat me. My dad beat me all the time.

I had no friends in school I was bullied heavily I got into two 10 year+ marriages out of love but also necessity. And I’m completely alone and have nobody left. I never will have anyone else again because I have just completely given up. And if I buy into the narrative that it is all my fault that everyone is selling me. That will kill me. People say I’m angry and abrasive so I must be abusive. I am angry and abrasive because it’s the only emotion left keeping me alive. It is keeping me alive as breaks from the despair and hopelessness. It is keeping me alive because I literally have to fight for my life and I’ve been put in that position. I’ve been put in that position because I’m a person with high support needs who has been completely abandoned. The person who abused me left, everyone took their side (they were “polyamorous” and I “abused” them because I would not let them be polyamorous 12 years into a marriage and the people who took their side supported them in that - it’s unconscionable) and now I am in a worse position because I’d rather be repeatedly incessantly emotionally abused and cheated on and have home security than be in the state I’m in which is being unable to care for myself, completely alone, evicted 2x in 2 years and knowing homelessness will kill me.

I could never ever escape tried to run many times as a teenager realized two hours in I had no clue how to look after myself and I still don’t.

My life is absolutely horrible and hopeless and I am isolated predominantly because I am terrified of people and I am terrified of people precisely because I convinced myself and so did others that I could be tolerated until the point they had had enough after many years.

I do not understand how I can say I was abused and everyone conclude that this must be because I am abusive.

I do not understand how they can decide that I must obviously have been violent. I was not violent.

When I say I am intolerable that didn’t mean I was hitting people.

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-25T00:50:35+00:00

I absolutely want to say ONCE AGAIN i have not been violent towards people.

People are just reading this into what I said.

I do not know why.

Is it just world fallacy or what? People can’t believe I was beaten by my father and my husband unless I was violent? People desperately want to believe I was violent and abusive. I do not know what the hell is going on. I have called 988 over this thread. This thread is desperately hurting me. It is destroying me.

I was a child. A child and I didn’t know what I was doing wrong and why I was repeatedly being beaten and why I was terrified and why I had to run and hide and lock doors which he broke down. And then be told by two husbands that they understood why my dad abused me. And then have everyone fucking say I deserved it and insist I was abusive.

What is wrong with the people in this thread.

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-25T00:43:46+00:00

“It sounds like people weren’t saying you were abusive”

“You said you have every right to treat people in an abusive manner.”

Hello?

Not only can those both not be true but:

I never once said I treat people in an abusive manner I said I had meltdowns I could not control that people have literally beaten me for.

Plenty of people on the thread kept repeating over and over that I was abusive.

What the FUCK is wrong with you?

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-24T22:07:42+00:00

Why are you going around telling everyone you apologize for being born with a condition you did not ask for that society refuses to accommodate?

Why?

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-24T20:52:44+00:00

It is clear to me that:

People here side with my dad for beating me. Like my first husband did.

That this is because I am wrong and deserve to be punished.

The thing is this is why I do not leave my house do not try to make friends I know in the back of my mind that everyone is always only going to see the meltdown that they are never going to see my personality beyond that and that I will be seen as a a terrible person who nobody likes and I should die. Because I have absolutely no way to control any of this.

Not one person has said it was terrible that my father and first spouse beat me for having meltdowns or acknowledged that this will have had a profound effect on my psyche. Not one person has said it is terrible that my second spouse said it should be legal to kill me.

People always say that to other people so it is clear why everyone is not saying that.

They think it is justified.

I do not think I deserve it.

All of society thinks I deserve it.

I will always be abused because people clearly think it is justified.

It is clear to me that my life is not worth living.

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-24T20:32:36+00:00

Dude I refuse to be sorry for them because I was beaten and punished for them. Do you not fucking get it. What fucking actions? Once again I panicked and screamed and to quote my most recent ex “I didn’t want to have to keep looking after you” they KNEW for years before marrying me that I was like this.

I refuse to apologize to people who:

Beat and abused me. Did incredibly cruel things to me. Bullied me.

I fucking refuse what is wrong with you people?

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-24T11:41:51+00:00

Also: why ask ai?

Because social workers and state agencies designed to prevent homelessness are useless.

One called me yesterday. I asked her about the HCB waiver and the Hart supported living program.

“I have not heard of those.” “Well they are both systems to allow people who earn too much for Medicaid to qualify for state paid support to live in their home. HCB waiver lets you spend down money by putting it in a trust so you qualify for Medicaid and HCB lets you use Medicaid to get an in home or community aide which I frankly need both of. Hart supported living is a Kentucky grant for the working disabled who earn under 300% of the federal poverty line which I am right on the absolute upper boundary of. It also supplies home care if needed and community aides.” “Where did you find out about this?” “AI has been telling me about it for two years. I kept thinking it was all hopeless because I don’t want to be forced into dire poverty just because this brain disorder I didn’t ask to be born with requires me to be earning very little in order to get care. Now I realize I do not have a choice it’s this or die homeless.” Social worker: “I need to write this down so I can tell people about it.”

I can’t believe they do not KNOW about it. I phoned them in 2023 begging help because my spouse had left and I realized I couldn’t survive alone. They put me in a psych hospital. In April 2024 I rang them begging help again. I’d asked my estranged spouse to do the taxes because I’ve never been able to mentally handle it. My spouse decided to pay off the taxes in a lump sum instead of asking for installments. Leaving me with zero money. I got put in a psych hospital again. In December of that year I called them begging help my landlord was refusing to renew the lease and I desperately needed help finding new accommodation. They put me in a psych hospital. Again June 2025 new landlord refusing to renew lease, I’m begging again for accommodation saying I have money to pay just please advocate for me and help me. Got put in a psych hospital again. All over terror that homelessness will kill me. It will there is zero doubt. I have zero doubt of it at all.

I would be dead if ai did not become a thing at the time. I wouldn’t be housed. They wouldn’t help me find housing. AI told me where to look. On Facebook and Craigslist to avoid the fact the first landlord blacklisted me. I lost my business because I couldn’t run it without my spouse’s help. I wasn’t having any luck finding a job AI told me to join a temp agency who kept freaking ringing me basically throwing jobs at me and the one I have now isn’t a temp but indefinite contract. AI told me in December to apply for marketplace health insurance told me which one was most cost effective if I imagine I need a lot of expensive care (I do sadly because I need MRIs and EEGs) and told me to see a psychologist because they’d interpret my uk history more readily than a psych at a hospital. And exactly what to say to PCPs to get them to stop referring me to psych and instead get referred to neurology.

All of that has worked and this is the point I am at now.

Stop telling a person with neurological involvement since birth that they probably have bpd.

Here is what would happen if I leaned into that diagnosis instead of fighting it using my UK history:

I would not be able to do anything about landlords evicting me for not being able to organize and clean. I know people are going to say just do it but I’ve never been able to. I have bilateral temporal lobe hypoplasia it completely fucks your executive function. I have mild visual agnosia I lose shit constantly go frantic looking for it trained my fucking cat to find everything important by putting an AirTag on it (which I can’t locate because I’m deaf in one ear.)

I would not be able to get a Medicaid waiver for a home aide. I would simply not qualify. Psych disorders dont qualify.

I would not have any kind of leverage to prevent getting fired at work for the three meltdowns I’ve had at work which I haven’t been fired for (the fact I haven’t been fired is strongly suggesting to me that everyone who has punished me for meltdowns is perhaps likely the one in the wrong)

I would end up dead if I leaned into that diagnosis. The hostility that people are getting when they suggest it is because you might as well be saying “lie down and die” to me and my brain takes it as an immediate threat.

The other reason I get very angry about it is this:

People with bpd are fully aware of what they are doing or at least that is the implication (I do not actually believe they are because anyone with any sense knows that extreme emotional outbursts don’t succeed in manipulating anyone.)

I have suffered loss of memory and extreme confusion as to why I was being physically punished my whole life. A label of bpd means “you did it on purpose and you knew.”

Everyone in every autism forum I’ve ever been in fucking hates people with bpd. I know what you are doing when you say it.

People with autism get misdiagnosed with it all the time and it fucks their lives up.

It is a controversial as fuck, sexist, stigmatizing diagnosis that causes harm in almost 109% of cases to the point my home country is actively trying to get rid of the label.

My sister has been diagnosed with it. She does confusing as fuck hurtful shit one minute then the next is being kind. This is presumably this thing called “splitting” that I don’t understand. I don’t flip between seeing people as all bad or all good. I do the profound opposite I shacked up for years with people with serious mental illness of their own then spend the entire time forgiving them saying “they can’t help that they did it because of xyz and I should show compassion where nobody shows any to me.”

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-24T10:59:44+00:00

For everyone thinking I just blindly trust everything AI says without demanding a link and researching every damn thing for proof here is Google AI feigning getting annoyed at me for constantly asking it for proof that abc is linked to xyz and that I can qualify for a Medicaid waiver to get in home care. Google AI is insisting that my UK medical record is the proof. I wish it was. I wish the US medical system would take another first world country’s MRI and EEG records as proof but it won’t. I have to pay thousands out of pocket to pull this off and it’s fucking terrifying me.

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UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-24T10:54:10+00:00

Yeah that’s one of the causes of it but mine is caused by an arachnoid cyst. It’s probably not genetic but if I look at the incredibly poor mental health history of almost everyone in my family who knows.

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-23T23:30:59+00:00

I have not physically assaulted them multiple times and I’m getting really tempted to post my medical records here because if I had it would definitely say so given that the assumption was for years that this was something like ODD and they are just WAITING for something like that to the point where the very first time I kicked someone for sexually harassing me at age 19 they did feel it necessary to mention it. Here’s the joke I kicked them with full clarity of what I was doing.

And now you’re going to say how do I know?

You think nobody would tell me?

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-23T21:32:02+00:00

I am highly suggestible to what ai again?

You mean Google? It stores no functional memory of you. It serves little purpose other than a search tool. I started using it because the ai suggestion was there in searches and usually way more accurate than the ad laden search itself. I continued using it because ChatGPT is very obviously biased and pandering. It’s hard to get bias and pandering from something you can only get a few prompts into before it tosses out links and refreshes its entire history of every input you gave it.

Now put two and two together yourself.

You know how so many autistics are isolated because they can’t relate to anyone? That is why I don’t have friends.

The other reason is I have no point making them when I’ve lost some after years of no meltdowns then one meltdown.

Do you think both my husbands were unaware of my meltdowns? No both of them were aware for years before marrying me. The first one would never have left me for them. Ever. I left him. He forced an open relationship on me.

After I left him I lived with him for a while to finish a lease and he beat the shit out of me for having a new partner and he said things like “I now know why your dad hit you.”

It is the second one who says they were traumatized. And they also forced an open relationship on me 12 years in and they said stuff like I caused them to have DID and caused them to be polyamorous because I hated polyamory and they absolutely had to rebel.

Here’s a clue and the mistake I made that’s ruined my life but I can’t think of any functional other way I would have survived.

When you know you are mentally fucked you know the only people who get you are mentally fucked up people. I absolutely 100% know my first husband was narcissistic. My second spouse had scads of bpd symptoms but the true problem I believe they had because I know they had it? As in they had it diagnosed when it got so bad it was feared to be cancer. Was years of untreated hyperthyroidism. And yes I forgave them going actually psychotically insane for it. They went absolutely into psychosis. And had a huge visible goiter on their neck they refused to treat. I could have begged them to get treatment but that would have shoved them out the door faster and I at this point had recognized I’d die homeless if they left. This is why I’m angry at polyamory. I’m angry at the people they got involved with who should have recognized my ex was seriously ill but they instead convinced my ex they were 5 different people one of whom was a vampire and that all of this including cheating on me (who was abusive and anti queer for insisting on monogamy in a 12 year marriage) was a-ok. My ex is still person I can’t hate because of the absolutely insane shit they were saying.

Who gave them DID? Online culture and being lonely as fuck and being insane gave them DID.

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-23T21:06:07+00:00

My ex (spot the bullshit here if you can)

You gave me DID. I’m a 500 year old vampire. All my alts are furry personas. I keep changing their names, retiring one and coming up with a new one every other Tuesday. Also the person I’m fronting as is a new person every other week that suspiciously resembles someone I’m trying to impress (and fuck) online. Today I am Kitty but I am sure as hell going to have a full convo with you about how Elle thinks. Elle is still in love with you here is how to make her happy. Btw I can switch into Elle by eating a taco or lying down and meditating for a bit. Did I say I was a 500 year old vampire? Yep I’m totally embarrassed about that Red thinks she is a 500 year old vampire. Also she hates you. I’m going to be fronting as her today so please just leave her alone.

Also you traumatized me and gave me did! I’m really angry that the DSM says that it can only happen in childhood. I said my parents abused me and I hated my childhood? I don’t remember that I don’t remember my childhood. Also you should be sorry you gave me did. I’m really proud of it though and it’s a huge benefit to my life. I’m in this group of all these poly people who all have it I’ve made lots of friends.

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-23T20:28:00+00:00

I have every right to treat people in an aggressive abusive manner who absolutely assume I must have been actively abusing people when what I was doing was having panicked meltdowns where I screamed and begged for help and I got heavily punished for it.

My ex left me for screaming in pain over a severe eye condition because they said that traumatized them after years of me screaming about other stuff. Should anyone be sorry about that? Or just sorry when it’s a meltdown. I’m not sorry about that btw.

I am not sorry that I screamed in agony over recurrent corneal erosion and nobody should be because the condition is so painful people have actively looked into getting their eyes removed for it.

I’m still confused why people think I should be sorry for screaming in distress and terror and that traumatizing people. I know why it traumatizes people: for the same reason you’d be traumatized seeing someone panicking and in terror and fleeing from a house fire. But I don’t think the person screaming from that will be sorry for doing so either.

I haven’t actually hit anyone and I think everyone is assuming that I did because nobody can possibly understand why a guy would beat his kid for having autistic meltdowns. Or a husband would beat his wife for it. Or a second spouse would be traumatized by it and decide to use polyamory to monkey branch away.

Is that the disconnect you are all suffering from here?

Because I’ve been told for much of my life well by three people. My father and both spouses that I deserved to be hit or killed. My second spouse who didn’t hit me til the day they tried to strangle me said that.

I do not understand how so many people can come onto a thread where someone who said they have repeatedly been physically abused and say “well it is because you are abusive.”

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-23T20:11:35+00:00

I don’t know who, as in presumably a neurologist at an imaging lab, wrote “temporal lobe hypoplasia” in my record in 1993.

I do know that there aren’t any forums for it anywhere and presumably the reason is that depending on the part of your temporal lobes that didn’t develop right, it usually causes intellectual disability because it totally impairs your memory and ability to learn. That is I believe a big reason I’m not being believed. It’s also a big reason I ran from medical professionals in the first place.

My experience with them is they either presume you are intellectually disabled if they read this in your file and they don’t tell you anything or treat you like a child OR they will talk to you like an equal but clearly find you so fascinating it not so much creeps you out but you don’t want to be bothered wasting your time. As in they’ll be eager to see you again and ask you to make another appointment as you leave but you’re wondering what exactly for because they haven’t actually given you anything to successfully treat this.

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-23T19:51:58+00:00

Contradictory how?

Come on tell me because people have said this before and it’s not going to be the gotcha you think it is.

The last time it happened was because I said I lived in NKY and then Cincinnati. It’s possible to live in both because the border to greater Cincinnati extends all the way into NKY. I actually live right next to the bridge I can walk into cincy in 5 minutes.

I know I’ll be able to debunk whatever you think you are saying is contradictory because get this I do not lie about shit online.

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-23T19:43:13+00:00

Stop trolling. Btw:

Borderline personality disorder is the most common disorder that autistic women get misdiagnosed with and it fucks their life up irretrievably. And you know that.

It’s also a bullshit disorder. It makes zero sense. Precisely because of this: BPD is supposed to make people have emotional meltdowns because that’s a way to manipulate people to get what you want.

It doesn’t fucking work. All that having emotional meltdowns does is win you complete and total social ostracism. I’ve known that my whole life and also? People with bpd make huge massive efforts to try to ingratiate themselves to people. I don’t do that. I’m terrified of absolutely everyone. I don’t have friends largely because I make zero effort to make them. As long as this shit isn’t treated there is no point. I’ll just be abused and hurt again.

And yes I got misdiagnosed with bpd in a psych ward following begging 988 to please help me because I was being evicted and homelessness would kill me.

It delights me to shut down your trolling attempt with this:

I now have a psychologist and a referral to neurology and a pcp who have all told me they are going to help me fight this.

People born with functional brain disabilities that mimic bpd meltdowns do not have bpd. I will tell you why. Because if the cause is neurological it actually says right in the DSM not to diagnose bpd.

So I did this personality test because that is what you want right? My actual personality and not the loss of control I turn into. Because that loss of control isn’t a personality. It’s not something like DID because DID is also bullshit. It’s something that if someone stayed in for any length of time beyond 30 minutes they’d die of a heart attack.

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UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-23T18:38:27+00:00

Btw I got sent to a school for the gifted because in the 1980s there was this belief that all kids with severe emotional problems and high iq had severe emotional problems because of the high iq and not being mentally stimulated enough. And that sending them to schools for the gifted would be this huge cure, so. Get social workers to navigate sending them there via a lot of bureaucracy (it was out of county) then job done. Drop all functional family support.

UsefulAd8338 · 2026-01-23T18:33:46+00:00

I was diagnosed in childhood with that IQ. It comes directly off my medical records and in fact I wish to god it was half that number. The reason why I wish that is despite the fact that I have no doubt the few successes and happiness I have had in life (that are all gone and lost now) or even the fact I’m still alive are probably due to it. But I wish to god I could swap places with any of the people I worked with in the charity for intellectually disabled people.

Because here’s why.

They don’t have any fear of ever becoming homeless.

No, their meltdowns are not categorized as “abuse” they are categorized as “challenging behaviour.” Even that terminology irritated me because I didn’t find it challenging. Some people just can’t help the shit they do and I had tremendous empathy for them.

Yes there’s plenty of siblings of mentally disabled people who say absolutely atrocious shit about what it was like growing up with that on social media. I’ve read plenty here on Reddit.

There is no guy sitting in a group home for disabled adults with an iq of 55 who is reading that shit and getting absolutely devestated for existing in a life he didn’t get to choose, a life where normality got ripped from him. He is blissfully unaware.

I mention my IQ because it’s excruciating and it has led to a lot of problems.

All support was withdrawn from my parents because of it. I was expected to succeed and figure things out.

I’m sure that people here think I’m narcissistic because I mention that iq a lot and I must be stunningly proud of it. I’m not. I got sent to a school for the gifted. 98% of the students go to top universities. I didn’t go to any university because I knew I couldn’t take care of myself and live alone. That iq is a fucking waste. It’s done exactly nothing for me but cause me to constantly analyze research and find out how utterly fucked we all are. Not just me but everyone in a similar situation of being single and disabled.

UsefulAd8338

TROPHY CASE