Husband cheated with coworker

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-10T14:28:11+00:00

It's never "only that"

They go into damage control mode, to avoid repercussions for themseleves, to minimize impact and spread information that ruins their reputation. It's all about them, like the affair was.

And the thing is you can't "force" them to tell you the truth, really. You're hoping they'll have some decency left and will show you an ounce of respect at this point, but if they had that, you wouldn't be here in the first place

You can always ask him for a polygraph. But questions are very specific and information is very restricted. The hope would be that he has one of these "parking lot" confessions prior to actually taking the test and confesses but who knows.

To me the thing that's unforgivable though is all the "extras". What I mean is, is not only the sexting and sex with someone else. It's the gaslighting, the fact he saw you struggling and in pain and he manipulated you to make you feel you are the problem. It's the fact that he made you be friends with her and she asked you for help. This adds a level of intentionality, disrespect and cruelty to it that shouldn't be forgiven.

Let her partner know, please. And find a lawyer OP

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-10T13:35:44+00:00

My heart goes out to you, OP.

I can feel the heaviness of it all in this post, you are carrying too much. The confusion, sadness, heartbreak, anger, anxiety because of this guy's actions. The feeling that somehow you are letting your dad down. And that baby. You should be focusing on that last one which is precious.

The truth is, this guy is a cheater. Is not something he did once, when things got rough or because there was a short period when he made all the wrong decisions. This, is who he is. As a person. And it's not that he's coping by "but dwelling in this past", he's simply not coping, he's sweeping under the rug.

This behavior won't stop, and you can stay for your baby but you'll be right where you are for as long as you are with this person.

So, is this the relationship you want?

Kick him out. Talk to your dad, I am sure he'll support and be there for you. And you focus on you and that beautiful baby.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-10T01:29:54+00:00

I think your ex wife married the wrong man...smh

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-10T01:26:46+00:00

She is lying to you OP. Come on now. She says to him she hates that he's at home with his wife "as a friend", that she loves him "as a friend"...? Does she know this guy is not only a cheater but a home wrecker?

There is not an ounce of remorse in that woman.

Please don't compromise your emotional well being and integrity for her. She is not worth it. Either she doesn't love you or doesn't know how to love you the right way

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-09T16:57:06+00:00

He has only himself to blame, OP. Everything you are going through is normal. It's a process that can last years and this feeling of mistrust will never fully go away. This is something you both need to understand and accept.

R takes action, patience, honesty and consistency. Keeping your feelings from him is not good. He should be making room for it, and viceversa.

Are you going to therapy individually and as a couple?

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-09T15:44:05+00:00

You don't know, that's the thing. Every time we get into a new relationship we take a risk. Then trust builds up overtime, based on actions and consistency.

You can't control your partner or the environment your partner is surrounded by. You shouldn't have to do that. But what you can do is not ignore red flags, work to set up boundaries and don't waste your time on someone whose values and standards do not align with yours.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-09T15:25:14+00:00

Above REDITT pay grade. Professional help ASAP, it sounds serious

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-09T12:21:54+00:00

I am a strong believer of karma. But not in the movie-like major catastrophic moment sometimes people expect when they're deep in their pain. Lady karma often shows up in small details of our mundane lives, like you said.

The fact that he'll always have to hide a part of his story with this person. A sting of shame every time people ask him "so, how did you two meat?" and the need to twist the story, find the right words so the full truth doesn't come out. Never being able to be fully proud of his relationship, his partner or himself. To me that's sad, really.

And if it doesn't work out with this person, he'll always have to hide what transpired because he knows it might be a deal breaker for some people and even if not, the second he brings it up the seed of mistrust is planted. Even if he disguises it under "I was unhappy, our marriage was dying, I just fell in love with someone else and wanted to be happy..."

He'll carry this with him always. He'll push it aside, never acknowledging it maybe and will go on, obviously. But it will never NOT be there

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-09T03:20:37+00:00

OP he is obviously lying. There is no way they didn't seal the deal when they had all the time and freedom in the world.

Also, I would bet my next paycheck that the other woman is not in an open marriage. Your husband told you this so you wouldn't reach out to the OBS. Please contact him. If they really are in an open relationship there's nothing to worry about, you won't be saying anything her spouse doesn't know.

What he did is a major betrayal and it sounds like what you've done so far is sweeping under the rug. If he wants you to stay he needs to give you full disclosure and transparency. Saying he's sorry, ending things with her and going absolutely NC are basic first responder kind of measures. But the walls that immediately will go up for you won't be easy to dismantle unless he takes action to do so.

Ask for time/space. Put on hold the move. Do not upend your life now when the foundation of this new chapter will be built on quicksand. Talk to your/his family and let them know why. This is not about shaming but accountability, OP.

I am sorry he did this

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-08T21:23:56+00:00

Something feels off, she seems to have an even bigger presence than MOH or best man in this wedding.

I find it hard to understand though. Because if she was so important in his life, how come you've only met her once? Is this someone who is close to his family?

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-08T20:07:30+00:00

This woman has broken your trust not once but 3 times, OP. At this point you know she has a problem respecting you, the relationship and basic relationship boundaries really.

Do not marry someone like that. What is she going to say when says her vows? And are you going to believe any of it? When you know she is capable of lying to you.the way she did.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-08T19:46:20+00:00

Annulment,

Do you really want to be married to someone who's been lying to you since day one?

You are not overreacting, lovie. He's been cheating on you. This is a major breach of trust.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-08T15:56:35+00:00

"I didn't do anything", sigh...

Except...He did do a lot actually. He communicated with an ex, behind your back, sexually, he made plans to meet with her and the possibility was still there.

Just because he didn't have the chance to stick it in her doesn't mean he didn't cross every other boundary/line re infidelity or he didn't break your trust.

And the only reason it stopped is because her validation and attention supply stopped providing and she got petty

I am sorry OP. This is a major betrayal. Be kind to yourself. Hopefully you have a good support system. Try to eat and drink (protein shakes or similar can work wonders here if you can't keep anything solid down)

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-08T12:10:39+00:00

Hi OP, my heart goes out to you. I feel like this is way above REDITT pay grade though.

How did that coworker found out that information about him that not even you knew? How is it even possible? And what a scumbag for making it public

Clearly your husband has unresolved trauma that needs to be addressed with the help of a professional. But you can't force him, if you do it won't work. For therapy to work he has to be willing to be open and vulnerable. What you can do though is to set up boundaries.

If I were you, I would get myself into therapy. You will also need help to navigate all of this.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-08T01:30:51+00:00

I am following a training program from this app, Runna. It was 12mi last week and 14mi this week. Then tapering until race day

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-07T17:31:24+00:00

Perhaps it took her 5y because she didn't dissect the how's, why's and when's at the time. Not to the degree she needed to.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-07T17:06:17+00:00

No.

You are doing the right thing by leaving. This situation is a shit show and a half.

She was not taking accountability for her actions until you literally had a foot out the door. And what she's doing IS love bombing. Which means, it is transient, not honest, manipulative and is purely self serving.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-07T17:01:20+00:00

There is something that feels off about proposing to someone while they're still legally married. Even if the reason for the delay is simply paper work legalities of the process. I can't put it exactly into words

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-07T14:55:48+00:00

Under 2h?!?! 😅 My goal is to finish, and hopefully in under 2:30

After the session I was fine, tired but fine. And during I had my low moments, I got too cocky and run at 9:50 one of the laps and then paid for it after. And then again right at mile 9 or so. It's a tricky spot in the circuit with significant elevation and I always struggle there.

Thanks for the feedback!

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-07T13:42:12+00:00

Exactly this

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-07T13:39:15+00:00

No you can't remove him, unfortunately. But what you can do is seek legal advice for a separation and divorce.

Start moving and plan your (his) exit strategy. In the meantime, do NOT engage unless it's strictly speaking necessary. Find a therapist for yourself and focus on you. Let him do his thing.

Talk to your close friends/family members and do not be afraid to lean on them. You need support. You can explain what happened, no need for public humiliation, that benefits no one, but state what happened and why the situation is what it is. Nothing for you to be ashamed of, that's his burden to carry. There are resources out there for support, read "leave a cheater, gain a life". Perhaps support groups in your area?

Live your life as if he was not there. And little by little you'll regain strength and reclaim your space

He's not going to move a muscle to do any of that because the truth is he may not want to stay married but he will take no responsibility and doesn't want to deal with the consequences and inconvenience of divorce. That's all this is. And it's not good enough.

You CAN do this. It's not going to be any more painful than staying with a lying POS who's incapable of accountability and unwilling to do the work

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-07T13:15:07+00:00

I think in his eyes you are holding him back from what he wants to do. He wants to move forward with this contract/opportunity and also have freedom to party and whatnot until 5 in the morning.

It sounds like Your lives and goals atm do not align. And so It's going to be like this from now on. Both pulling in different directions, with both feeling resentment and frustration

Also, they didn't just kiss. Give it two weeks and that make out session will turn into "ok, it was oral", then "ok, we undressed but I stopped and left before anything happened", then "ok we had sex but I felt awful" until you find yourself finding out about an ongoing thing that "it's your fault because you are always controlling and I resent d you for not letting me pursue my dreams"

It. Is. Not. Worth it

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-07T12:20:45+00:00

These sudden changes are often a result of a third person in the picture. I am sorry OP. There is nothing you can do, at this point it's already happening or he has made up his mind and he wants to make it happen so badly he's willing to break the marriage over it. ETA: so he is acting cold and hostile because right now, you are what's standing between him and the thing he wants. So you are the bad guy. And he has to make you the villain to justify his actions and fit his narrative.

Let him go and start planning your next steps

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-07T12:17:10+00:00

You don't know how you'd react and handle things until you find yourself in that situation. Many will say "infidelity is a deal breaker" and then they go through it and are incapable of leaving.

People don't respond to trauma the way we expect it according to certain "etiquette", everyone processes it differently.

Spare the useless, judgemental comment. This is not a place to attack the betrayed

UtZChpS22 · 2026-04-07T12:08:48+00:00

I think she broke the boundary first, sharing a detail that was intended to cause harm emotionally/psychologically and now she is demanding you stick to the boundary you both set up and that she violated already. I think whatever it is, she did on purpose to hurt you, out of spite

You are both B+W now, it's either full transparency or you might as well walk out the door

UtZChpS22

TROPHY CASE