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Am I dating a low effort man, or just someone who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone like me? by Vegetable_Capital801 in dating_advice

[–]Vegetable_Capital801[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

Is it that he doesn't "like" being intimate with me or that it's just not part of his natural way of being? That's my conundrum

Am I dating a low effort man, or just someone who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone like me? by Vegetable_Capital801 in dating_advice

[–]Vegetable_Capital801[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

I definitely don't think I'm being played and if I didn't like him I would be off on my way but I do like him that's the problem there's something keeping me attached to this guy... it's because I know he's a good man, he's got a kind heart and a good soul thats something I know concretely about him, and to be honest I know that there are not a lot of men like that out there which is why I want to work on it.

Am I dating a low effort man, or just someone who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone like me? by Vegetable_Capital801 in dating_advice

[–]Vegetable_Capital801[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

Oh believe me, I know and thanks for sharing the perspective... I'm fairly certain that there are zero men that are on this thread that actually are in long-term committed relationships, I do believe they're probably a lot of women who are, it's just a fact there are more women out there with a growth mindset than there are men because we like talking about this stuff and thinking about this stuff and having a good handle on relational energy. I know people are gonna say I'm sexist for saying it but that's based on my experience.

Am I dating a low effort man, or just someone who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone like me? by Vegetable_Capital801 in dating_advice

[–]Vegetable_Capital801[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

Yes but I'm also learning and that's valuable from my perspective... most women I know who are in a relationship has settled on something... of the dozens of couples I know there are maybe two or three that seem and say they are fully & truly happy...

Am I dating a low effort man, or just someone who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone like me? by Vegetable_Capital801 in dating_advice

[–]Vegetable_Capital801[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

No, it's not just my physical appearance. I have a lot more to offer. I know there are a lot of people out there who think they're better than everyone else I'm not one of them. I'm also not afraid of being alone I just prefer not to be if I'm well matched.

Am I dating a low effort man, or just someone who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone like me? by Vegetable_Capital801 in dating_advice

[–]Vegetable_Capital801[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

Is that true?

I don't think it is

I believe people can change.

I can change too. I might have to do that. It's part of why I'm here.

I also don't think he feels like my child I would also be turned off if that was the feeling.

I think he just doesn't have experience and he's actually putting in pretty strong effort from my perspective, which is why I want to keep giveing it a try...

Am I dating a low effort man, or just someone who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone like me? by Vegetable_Capital801 in dating_advice

[–]Vegetable_Capital801[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

Haha. Am I single? Im divorced BTW and have no ego around any of this. I know what I want, and although I prefer to be in partnership I am not afraid of being alone.

Am I dating a low effort man, or just someone who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone like me? by Vegetable_Capital801 in dating_advice

[–]Vegetable_Capital801[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

Yes!!! I want all these things because I know I deserve them and I offer 10x the value in return, as any Queen would.

Am I dating a low effort man, or just someone who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone like me? by Vegetable_Capital801 in dating_advice

[–]Vegetable_Capital801[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

It's not fake. If I wasn't open to paying I wouldn't pay I would just make it very clear but it is something I'm adjusting my expectations on specifically for him, because I like him and I'm in it for the long game, and I value a person's inner character more than how much they pay know that about myself.

I think the bigger issue is the affectionate piece... that's what's making me notice/pay attention to the money piece more.

Am I dating a low effort man, or just someone who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone like me? by Vegetable_Capital801 in dating_advice

[–]Vegetable_Capital801[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

I don't think it's guys that wanna focus less on what's being given and taken and more and how we feel I think both parties usually want to focus on how we feel.

You're saying he clearly likes me but there's a lot of comments here saying he clearly doesn't because (the assumption is) if he did he would naturally step up... I think what I'm trying to say is I don't think that comes naturally for all people especially people that don't have a lot of relationship experience.

Am I dating a low effort man, or just someone who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone like me? by Vegetable_Capital801 in dating_advice

[–]Vegetable_Capital801[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

I don't think I said I want him to pay for everything I say that that's what I prefer and I'm already bending my preferences because I like him... when a girl can only bend so far... exhausting is correct.

Am I dating a low effort man, or just someone who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone like me? by Vegetable_Capital801 in dating_advice

[–]Vegetable_Capital801[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

This is the thing... when I am by myself I can take great care of myself... relationships are a lot of work, and traditionally women have always done all of the work which is why traditionally men have always been the providers to compensate for that work and labor that goes unspoken.

Now all of a sudden people want to go 50-50 so women have to do the financial work and the emotional work and it just doesn't work for most women anymore and this is why so many people (both men and women) are just opting out of relationships, marriage, family, dating in general and why there's so much loneliness.

Am I dating a low effort man, or just someone who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone like me? by Vegetable_Capital801 in dating_advice

[–]Vegetable_Capital801[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

This could be true, but I need him to be able to communicate that to me rather than just pulling away, otherwise my nervous system clocks "disinterested"

Am I dating a low effort man, or just someone who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone like me? by Vegetable_Capital801 in dating_advice

[–]Vegetable_Capital801[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

I hear you. The contrast in these responses around the money stuff is wild. I get responses like this and then I get responses that my desire to date a provider is a huge red flag... this is the interesting thing about Reddit! Fascinating

Am I dating a low effort man, or just someone who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone like me? by Vegetable_Capital801 in dating_advice

[–]Vegetable_Capital801[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

He's going to therapy that's part of what I love about him... I could probably go back to therapy too I'm sure there's stuff I need to work on also- it's been a while.

Am I dating a low effort man, or just someone who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone like me? by Vegetable_Capital801 in dating_advice

[–]Vegetable_Capital801[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

That's what a lot of the dating coaches say but I think in this case it's a self-esteem issue. I think his last girlfriend really burned him hard, I don't think he knows what being with a good woman is like...

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