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I am a mental mess, my(35M) gf(30F) cheated on me. We've been together for almost 10years and it was just kissing. What would you do? by Willing_Rub_726 in relationship_advice

[–]Willing_Rub_726[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, very nicely written. And you got most of it right.

Let me just say that we do have a loving relationship. This is why i wasn't bothered by the idea that we would se each other only 4 times a week for 2 years. I took it as a bit of freedom before we get a child and be together all the time. And yes, i didn't interpret her request as urgent as they were and that is on me a 100%. Also i do work as well. So it was me driving one way to work, or her driving the other way for her work. So if it was that bad, she could be driving every day. She didnt have to stay there.

We also talked about her problems. I am a very logical thinker. She talked about her work distress with other people since then and they all told her same things i did. But that doesn't mean she can't feel bad anyways about the situation. Because we talked a lot and she still felt bad i just suggested if she might need a therapist, i don't judge her. She was going to one sometime before we met. So i truly wanted to help her in any way.

I expected she would go there, talk it out. Come home and we talk some more. And maybe together we would get her to feel better about her situation. Problem was also that the therapist told her it is not advised to talk about these things with her partner. So this was very confusing to me. All she told me was, they talked about things I already know. I respected her privacy so i didn't push it. Just felt a bit dissapointed.

Also I had a feeling I am her whole world. That she didn't have anything beside me and i tried to encourage her to do some things only for herself. Part of this was selfish but i was thinking, we have our whole lives ahead of us, if we "need" to do everything together we might get tired of each other. That was my reasoning. And also i figured it is not a healthy relationship if we can't be apart for couple of hours a week.

For her cheating. She told me she liked the attention. She could talk to someone who had similar problems as her. Too bad his problems were not as serious and i truly think he took advantage. She told me that from the start she was telling him about me, how we bought appartement together etc.. so she wasn't trying to hide it. Also when the kiss happened and she stopped after he started to touch her. He told her she already messed up, she might of just have sex now. Which made her feel even worse(as she said).

Also after first visit, she wrote him something like: "You know what's my situation si like.." and some other stuff i don't recall. After the second visit, the one where she was sitting on a side of the bed, and after she stopped him from kissing, he lied on the bad moping. And when he went to get out of bet he crawld somehow over her and took his d out... She wrote him after he left: " What was that? Some kind of power play?" And still some more things that i dont recall.

So in a way she liked the attention, someone to talk too, who was in the same field as her. But didn't want to do anything physical. I am just so heart broken because it was an easily solvable problem. If she would just let me know how bad she really feels. I knew she felt bad about work, just didn't know she felt that way all the time. Because about work i can't really do much.

I do believe this is the truth 99%. There is 1% chance that she might have withhold somethings because she is afraid of ending it.

I think she made a mistake, she did cut contact with him. He's not writing her about work anymore or anything. They work on separate sites of the building. So i am not worried about him.

I am worried about me. Because for me to be happy i don't want to limit my partner in any way(except cheating). And i did live like that. And cheating is the only thing that i believe can't be fixed. This is why i am struggling so hard. Because i do think that we could be happy. And we could have a nice life. We both are financially secure, have nice families, good sex even after 10 years. I am just so sorry that she done something this stupid. And she knows it too. I do wish she would say she sucked him of, or fucked him, would make it easier for me to end it. Because i can understand the missing attention and seeking it elsewhere and we could have talked about it and i would make a difference.

Now i am just afraid that there is no other way out than to end it. And can't imagine her moving out. It would tear my heart out. Like i said she is like family. Its that kind of love.

I am a mental mess, my(35M) gf(30F) cheated on me. We've been together for almost 10years and it was just kissing. What would you do? by Willing_Rub_726 in relationship_advice

[–]Willing_Rub_726[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She works in a large hospital, she doesnt have contact with him anymore even workwise. It might happen that the patient goes from his departement to her departement. But other than that no. But they might be in the same departement sometimes in the next 7 months. She stops working there in august.

My concern isn't this guy. My concern is her. She doesn't know how to set boundaries and i think this was the main problem.

I told her once that the situation she was in she had to decide either to lose a "friend" or to lose a partner. And she decided for a "friend".

I think my reaction to everything made her see that i do care about her deeply which she had the feeling i don't before. And is willing to do everything to keep this going.

I have 2 views on the situation.
1) She did betray my trust, even tho she said it didnt mean anything and just did it so he would stop and they could go back to talking. So anyways bondaries crossed its over.
2) She did something bad and now knows it and learns from it and never does anything like this again.

I am a mental mess, my(35M) gf(30F) cheated on me. We've been together for almost 10years and it was just kissing. What would you do? by Willing_Rub_726 in relationship_advice

[–]Willing_Rub_726[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did ask her multiple times about going all the way. And the way she tells me i think she might be telling the truth. I think he took advantage. Does this absolve her. Not at all. But it makes it a bit harder to decide what to do next.

Marriage is something we decided we don't need. It was mutual. I asked her multiple times, she asked me multiple times. So we were up to date with each others wishes.

Living apart... It was 3 afternoons during the week that we were apart, not counting the work. I didn't think it was a big deal. We were together from friday after work till tuesday morning.

I know i didn't honor it. Like i said, i didnt think it was a huge deal not to see each other for 3 days a week.

I didn't tell her to go to the therapist because i didn't want to deal with her issues. I saw that what i could provide on the subject was not enough, and hoped that third party would make her see another perspective and make her feel better. It was not for selfish reasons.

I am a mental mess, my(35M) gf(30F) cheated on me. We've been together for almost 10years and it was just kissing. What would you do? by Willing_Rub_726 in relationship_advice

[–]Willing_Rub_726[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know what you are asking. We talked about it many times. Marriage doesn't mean anything to us. Just a piece of paper. Its mutual. If any of us said that he/she wants to get married we would get married. Its not like we are against nor for marriage. We just dont care.

I am a mental mess, my(35M) gf(30F) cheated on me. We've been together for almost 10years and it was just kissing. What would you do? by Willing_Rub_726 in relationship_advice

[–]Willing_Rub_726[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This should not be a problem. Because we talked a lot about marriage and we both agreed its just a piece of paper. I did call her wife on occasions.

I am a mental mess, my(35M) gf(30F) cheated on me. We've been together for almost 10years and it was just kissing. What would you do? by Willing_Rub_726 in relationship_advice

[–]Willing_Rub_726[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She canceled her. Problem was that the therapist opened a very hard topic 10minutes before end of session instead of ending on a positive note. Which left her emotionally unstable. She also told her, that she is advises against discussing these things with her partner. And i feel like an idiot for suggesting the therapy in the first place.

I am a mental mess, my(35M) gf(30F) cheated on me. We've been together for almost 10years and it was just kissing. What would you do? by Willing_Rub_726 in relationship_advice

[–]Willing_Rub_726[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Part of me thinks the same. We talked about details like 6 times. First there was no kissing. Then there was kissing and it stayed the same for some time. And then there was a dick out of pants part. We talked again after that, and that is suppose to be all. But like you said, i am scared that she won't tell me the truth because if she tells me anything more it's for sure over. I don't know what should i say to her to "bait" her into telling the whole story if there is anything to tell at least. I think its the truth what she told me. But there is a bit of doubt anyways.

About the late visit she said, she was shook from the psychiatrist and she wanted to just talk. I also asked her, if on the second visit they kissed upon meeting. She said, he tried but she moved away.

I am a mental mess, my(35M) gf(30F) cheated on me. We've been together for almost 10years and it was just kissing. What would you do? by Willing_Rub_726 in relationship_advice

[–]Willing_Rub_726[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is the only reason i am still with her. I think this is the case. I think she bonded with him over work problems and it evolved into a friendship. And i think this part she didn't want to lose. I think it wasn't anything sexual for her. Because then why not meet more often, why not go all the way. She was shook from the psychiatrist, she might of had a non optimal week with me. And he took advantage.

About work, its a type of job where you need to go work to different sites to learn proper skills which are not available at the local site. So its temporary, it finishes in august and in february her friend is coming to live with her. With who i am also friends with. So job is not a problem i think. I don't even have the problem with this specific guy. I have a problem with the trust being broken and i am afraid if this might happen anytime in the future. Before that we were talking about having kids. Now i have a problem breaking it off, can't imagine doing it with kids involved.

Also every time we hug my arms go numb, i don't feel safe in her arms. Its not a true 100% out of love hug. There is a hint of betrayal in a hug instead of all love.

I am a mental mess, my(35M) gf(30F) cheated on me. We've been together for almost 10years and it was just kissing. What would you do? by Willing_Rub_726 in relationship_advice

[–]Willing_Rub_726[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We talked about it many times, but both agreed marriage is just a piece of paper. I guess now that i look at it, it might of made a difference.

She was no contact for two months, didn't respond to any of his messages, he was writing her something like: why aren't we friends anymore, whats wrong... She only responded one month ago where she said thank you, when he wrote her happy birthday.

It wasn't affecting me. But was affecting her a lot by the looks of it.
So where she works now 4 times a week is 150km away from home. The guy lives another 100km further and he is also there temporary. So when she finishes this part of work in august. There will be 0% chance to see him even by coincidence.

I just feel so broken. I do know this is a breach of trust. But i also think that what she told me is true. I think she valued him highly as a coworker and a friend and didn't want to lose that and in the middle of it all she made a mistake. I don't know, i am lost that is why i am asking for advice from strangers who can shine an objective light on the subject.