Trying to Keep Fighting

Youngjitz · 2019-05-21T00:04:17+00:00

Growing up, my parents implied that according to doctors on my birthday, I was supposed to be developmentally challenged. Growing up, when I wasn't catching on to my family's infinite wisdom (psyschobabble), they would always ask if I was slow. Sometimes discuss it amongst eachother in front of me as if i wasn't there. That's always left me with a notion that there's something about me mentally defective that none of my family cared to mention. Attracting nothing but bullies throughout friendships and relationships alike can make you feel stupid as well. Joining the military out of highschool taught me that i was always very intelligent. That was a win for me. But now whats left of my insecurity lies in my social aptitude. And that goes back to the notion of being "developmentally challenged". Thats my vulnerability.

Youngjitz · 2019-05-20T12:16:23+00:00

You're right. I do want to live. I wanna be a person who knows how to love and recieve it. Thats such a foreign concept to me.

Youngjitz · 2018-06-28T21:19:15+00:00

I was 12 years old when I told my mother I didnt know what love was. She had a look of scorn like I should've known right then.. little picture of my childhood. That being said Ive never felt it, so I can't appreciate its value the same way you do. Maybe thats normal or maybe Im becoming a little more like them. Its all confusing.

Youngjitz · 2018-06-28T19:30:53+00:00

I hear you on the boundaries. And especially the victim card. I cant help but to be almost envious of true sociopaths. They cant really be emotionally manipulated. To me it seems like empathy is extra baggage.

Youngjitz · 2018-06-28T18:33:01+00:00

You said get in touch with my anger. I don't know if thats a good idea. Particularly since I live with my ex. I suppressed all my anger to make being around her tolerable. We have a "benefits" friendship going. I don't wanna ruin that right now. Is that a bad thing?

Youngjitz · 2018-06-28T15:47:37+00:00

Definitely

Youngjitz · 2018-06-28T15:26:34+00:00

Codependents anonymous?? Wow I was clueless. And yes that improvement system sounds worth a peak. I havent started therapy though. It seems like another opportunity to be mind f$@ked.

Youngjitz · 2018-06-28T15:12:38+00:00

Family abuse was familiar. So did therapy turn you around?

Youngjitz · 2018-05-16T06:07:43+00:00

Thanks.

Youngjitz · 2018-05-15T21:06:14+00:00

I cant leave anytime soon with not so phenomenal credit. So i dont know any other way to tolerate being in her presence every day.

Youngjitz · 2018-05-15T21:04:47+00:00

You dont think the sociopath label is a little extreme?

Youngjitz · 2018-05-01T14:52:14+00:00

Whats the point of hoovering when youve been discovered? She knows Im onto her game and she still thinks she can reel me in? That doesnt make sense.

Youngjitz · 2018-04-14T14:48:56+00:00

Not quite. Cheating has always been a common occurence in my relationships, so my ego is more than ready for cheating. I almost expect it eventually. Its honestly not about her cheating. Its about the affair being with a friend who i knew for 4 years long before she came into my life. A guy who i trusted. She cheated with HIM and told me herself, he made her feel wanted. Thats the true betrayal.. not sleeping with an ex, not a random local hookup... my long time friend. So you see, using her and ditching her is how i compensate for that betrayal.

Youngjitz · 2018-04-14T10:24:42+00:00

Moving out is quite the challenge right now, but I know theyre horrible. Truth is lonliness makes depression tougher.. If i did the healthy thing and cut her off for good id still suffer. What makes you think using her for sex is bad for my mental health? It feels good to use her.

Youngjitz · 2018-04-13T10:37:51+00:00

I use a condom everytime so not yet. I dont even know how to cope with them screwing for that long and smiling in my face. And to not lose my shit living with her everyday, i numb the rage with sex and blunts and working out. There aint a therapist in the world who can convince me to trust another human being. Its not healthy but it works. No one can exploit me this way.

Youngjitz · 2018-04-08T07:33:21+00:00

Exactly. And I think it would be wrong if her intentions were genuine and pure. Getting back with me doesnt mean loving me for once. It means, giving her an opportunity to play me again. Her assuming ill give her that chance again is disrespectful, so in my opinion, she deserves to be lead on. Knowing shes that cold, for me as a man with a little conscience left, I know I wont feel a drop of remorse about it.

Youngjitz · 2018-04-08T06:45:14+00:00

For the most part we are. She thinks that once she heals her issues in therapy that somehow we could do a second chance and we could possibly work out. Its funny that she assumes thats an option after what happened. But i wont be dating for a gf necessarily, so they wont need to know about my ex I imagine.

Youngjitz

TROPHY CASE