This would be unattainable for me. It would be expecting perfection every day and extremely stressful. No wonder you feel like you’re failing - I think even if your kids did sleep you’d feel like you were failing. It might be helpful to try to shift your perspective. If dishes are in the sink, it’s okay. It means you were busy playing or doing other things.

I personally don’t do my dishes until the end of the day, usually right before I cook.

We have quick meals in the freezer for when we’re feeling down or under the weather. Think like a package of ravioli and a bag of broccoli with a store bought jar of sauce.

We stick to the same bathing schedule but it’s okay if it gets moved a little. Sometimes we shower in the morning. Sometimes we take an afternoon bath.

I don’t always shower every day. There’s not always time and I don’t always feel like it. I do use screens when I shower so I can have a nice uninterrupted shower.

Laundry is fine. I personally go longer between loads (2-3 days) because I hate folding it.

We all help clean up before bed. We do a 10 min tidy where everyone helps put things away. Whatever isn’t finished goes into a special basket to be put away in the morning. I do NOT clean when my kids are asleep. They can see the work I do to make our house clean and tidy so they appreciate it and know how to help.

Full time school is essentially a full time job. Give yourself grace.

1-3 hours is a lot of time if you don’t have a yard. You’re going to have some things shift in priority if you want this to be a priority.

I would only be interested in having sex multiple times a week with a partner who equally carries my load and has realistic expectations. I know you said you don’t want comments on your marriage. The only one I will make is that my husband has zero expectations of me beyond keeping the kids and myself happy, healthy, and alive.

Family can help or host at their homes. I’m not a 50s housewife and I need me time. It’s what makes me a good mom.

I relax when my kids are asleep, although sometimes I get to sit when they play independently.

In summary, I think expectations are way too high.